Category: Blog

42 things I’ve learnt in my 42 years

Note: I started writing this list 2 years ago but never got around to finishing it. Today I will.

Yesterday, Nikhila asked me, “What would you do if you were 21 again & knew everything you know today?“

I thought it was a great prompt to get thinking and writing about two things – what do I know today. And what would I do if I were 21 again.

So, let’s go.

A/ What do I know today?

AKA, 42 things I wish to tell a younger version of self.

What do I know today? Well, I have to admit. Not a lot. In fact more I know, the more I realize that there are more things that I do not know.

But then I started to write this list a couple of years ago and since today I’ve decided that I will get this done. Thanks, V for this 6 AM writing gift.

Oh, here are a few disclaimers before I start…

A/ Do read this in continuation to the list of things that I want to do in my 40s.

B/ On this list, I will only put in things that I have experienced firsthand. No gyaan but things that have happened to me. Or not happened to me. I dont want this to be fluff.

I mean I will not say, “eat more protein”. I know it’s a universal truth but I haven’t experienced the advantages of eating more protein and thus I can’t talk about it.

So, here is a list. In no order.

  1. Compounding is the 8th wonder of the world. Don’t know who said this. But it’s true. I’ve seen it in my life. Put everything on compounding treadmill.
  2. Time is limited. This is the single most important thing you have. Spend money to earn time. Never rent your time out. Find opportunities where your time is spent on meaningful things like lunches, conversations, etc.
  3. Dont hop from one thing to another. Never be in that zone of trying to find the next greener pasture. The grass is green on the side you choose to water it. Longer you water it, better it would be. Let it compound. Read point 1.
  4. Learn to spot energy vampires and energy boosters. Eliminate the vamps. Invest in boosters.
  5. Actions > Words.
  6. If you make a promise, you better keep it. Try to become consistent. I suck at this. I am trying hard. I don’t know if I would succeed.
  7. Some time ago, Sheba helped me discover the word that drives me. Movement. For a friend, it’s fearless. For someone else, it’s money. Find your word. Invest your entire being into it. Also, see this.
  8. The ability to do something in public is one of the most underrated ones. You could choose your vocation – write / design / dance / write / speak / make fun of people / cry / do your make up / share your travels etc. So, build in public. And talk about it on the internet. Learn from AK.
  9. Sleep well. Invest in your sleep. Do not make excuses about parties, work, networking, etc. Oh, while you may believe you are a “night person”, there is nothing more magical than waking up before the sun and seeing the sun shower the world with warmth. Of course, you may be a night owl. And that’s ok. You’re missing on it ;P
  10. Keep your back straight and rest will follow.
  11. Family > Friends. Family is what is imposed on you. Friends is what you choose. And you must choose carefully. These two (family and friends) will dictate how happy, how engaged, how inspired you live a life. I have been extremely lucky in this department.
  12. Think long-term. Everything I have today has come to me because I’ve operated from a time horizon of infinity. See 1 again.
  13. Know that you are an Average Joe. You are a midwit at best. I know of myself as the greatest gift to humankind and yet I know that I am an average. All the thing that dreams are made of – dating a supermodel, winning a jackpot, building a billion-dollar company – happens to people on the edges. I am not on the edge. Am bang in the middle of the middle. And thus I need to work hard. And I want to work at things that have the highest probability of success for an average person.
  14. Give each person you love one rupee and one brick. This is a maxim from baniya community and it translates into giving your people work and room. More on this someday. I am yet to do this as a process but I’ve been at it.
  15. Other people’s opinions don’t amount to much. They will not come to save you when you are drowning. Except when it affects your public reputation or brand.
  16. Build your personal brand. This is one of the biggest lessons ever and one of the things I wish I had known sooner. I’d go as far as to say, chase vanity numbers – 100K on Twitter, 1M on Instagram etc.
  17. See Pale Blue Dot every week.
  18. Practice delayed gratification. This is an easy muscle to build. Each time you are tempted to do something, take a 48-hour break!
  19. Read Naval. And implement what he says. While we are on reading, read Aurelius, Seneca, Epictetus. This is a good starting point.
  20. There is no substitute for hard work. If two roads diverged in the woods and you want to want on the one that makes all the difference, take the harder one.
  21. Always operate from the humility of being a student. I know tons of young and younger folks who know that they know it all. And I am sure they do. And I see them as miserable humans. I don’t want to be that.
  22. Invest in relationships. All kinds. Romantic, friendly, professional, etc. I’ve been a great beneficiary of these investments. Apart from the love department, I’ve been lucky in all others. And let them compound. See point 1.
  23. Breathe. Meditate. Pause. Reflect.
  24. Assume that you are all alone. On the darkest nights and toughest battles, I’ve found myself by myself. No friends. No lovers (my lovers were the first ones to desert me). No one. Apart from my parents and my sis. I’ve had enough of troughs to now know that I need to learn how to operate as a lone warrior.
  25. Get a nice house to live in. When I say nice, I don’t mean you get Antilla. You need to get a room for yourself that no one can enter without your permission. Make it your abode. I have always overpaid for houses and I think the large investment is worth it. Oh, I still dont own one. I still live in a rented apartment.
  26. Fuck the FOMO.
  27. Take notes.
  28. Learn how to read people. Most people are guided by the same tiny set of things – appreciation, respect, vanity, greed, fear etc. Spot who’s guided by what and then operate from there on.
  29. Make friends with support staff. Invest in their stories, lives etc. Think of your Barista at a Starbucks. Think of your security guard, your domestic help etc. Know their names. Know their whys. Talk to them. More than a polite and transactional thank you when they serve you well, get to know them. These tiny things make life worth living.
  30. Make friends with people that you have an age gap of 10, 20, 30, even more. My closest confidante today is a 23-year-old. I seek advice from a 60-year-old advertising professional. I built SoG as a means to stay connected to young folks. I built party of 9 to find more people to learn from.
  31. Learn cold approach. I suck at this but I am learning. Read about PuAs. I should give myself a target of cold approaching 5 people every day.
  32. Ready. Fire. Aim.
  33. No, I don’t understand those maxims about direction and speed where they say that its important to go in the right direction (rather than going fast). If I knew the direction, I would run with speed. But like most folks, the direction is often not clear. I still dont know what I want to do in life. I dont have a mission. I dont know why I work hard. I do so because I dont know anything else. So, I operate with directionless speed. No, dont follow this advice 😀
  34. Go easy on wokeness. While inclusion is important, it has lately become a cog in the propaganda machinery and young folks dont know how to see through it. An easy way out is to be aware of woke conversations but do not attach your identity to those. Even if you feel strongly about those.
  35. Empathy is important. But not to the point that you can’t function.
  36. Build the muscle to take hard calls. Asking someone to fuck off because they are rude to you is easy. But letting go of a colleague who’s working hard and is committed and is loyal and you can’t see them improving is hard.
  37. The word “passion” is an over-abused one. You are not passionate about anything. You are merely seeing success in that thing. While you are on passion, read this by Giibran.
  38. Incentives have superpowers. If you want to know what drives who, try to see what incentives are in place. In fact, read everything by Charlie Munger.
  39. Learn how to not take a no. Again, I am trying to build this muscle. I think Dhirubhai used to say, “mujhe na sunnay ki aadat nahi hai“. Not sure. But I love the line.
  40. Ask yourself often, what is that you are willing to give up to get what you want. I first heard this from Ajeet Sir. I’ve given all and more to be at this place. And no, this is not enough. I wish I could have more. And no, I don’t mean it from a lens of a complaining old man but from that of someone who’s divinely discontent.
  41. All advice, all lists, all lessons, all things I know are an outcome of my own life. Most of these will not make sense to you. Most of these will not bear fruit. Most of these will be laughed upon. Like all general-purpose advice, take these 42 with a fistful of salt. Also see the last line of this post.
  42. This is THE most important thing I know and thus I kept it for last – “this too shall pass“

Phew!

I am sure there are more. Adding those in appendix below. But these 42 came to me at this time – 8:30 AM, 27 Sep 2024.

Onto what would I do today if I were 21 and knew everything that I listed above.

Oh, before the next section, if you’d like to subscribe to updates from me, please add your email below. Promise no spam 🙂

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B/ What would I do today if I were 21?

This is a tough one to answer.

For the simple reason that folks may read this as a manipulative piece (I want to get a lot of young folks to work with me) and my number 1 advice would be to work with the 42-year version of me!

I mean it. Whoever is reading this, if what I’ve written makes sense, come work with me.

But I want to be fair to Nikhila. And I know she will not want to work with me. So, if I were to discard my number 1 advice, here’s some more things that I could do if I were 21…

1/ Reconsider your decision to not work with me. No one else will give you a long leash, opportunities, respect. Ask C. Lol!

2/ You can have only three parts of life – career, personal life, and social life. Each activity in life can easily be clubbed into one of the three. And here’s the thing I would want the 21-year version of me to do.

Choose one of the three.
One. Not two.
Not one and a half.

You will live a very unfulfilled life if you pick more than one of these. And yeah, I probably will get canceled. And I know there are people who manage to do all three. But then, I am an average Joe. See point 13 above.

3/ Submit yourself to a guru for 5 years. Think of this as the next education you’re getting after your college. You HAVE to be there for 5 years. And you will come out of the other side without a paper to certify. But you would probably have scars from skirmishes that you would recount with pride when you are old!

PS: I’ve not submitted myself to anyone but if I could, I would.

4/ Work in an events agency for five years. The exposure I got while I was at Gravity remains the most impactful in my life. It was helped by the fact that I was close to the founder (may be find work where you work with the founder), I was often in ambiguous places (build my muscle), unknown territory, and had a very long leash! So, may be not events but find a place that gives you all these things.

5/ Build in public. Something, anything. Even if it’s a doodle a day. Allow serendipity to happen. And while you do that, build your personal brand.

6/ See thing I know #17. Every week.

7/ Make a list of things you want from life. Make a list of things you are willing to give up to get what you want. See thing I know #40.

I guess this is it.
Do read the disclaimers.
Hope you get what you want from life.
May you live long and prosper.

As always, please point flaws in my thinking. Apart from typos ;P

Oh, and please share this with others and help me find more folks that I can work alongside and learn from!

Appendix: Additional things I know

I will keep adding to this list. I like the idea that this page would evolve into things I know. I will also strike out things that are no longer relevant.

27 Sep 2024

  1. It’s ok to have typos. No one cares. I know this piece has many!
  2. Attention to detail is a great skill to have but in case you dont have it, it’s okay.
  3. Excellence is overrated. In fact, this should make it to the list of top 42. But I dont know which one to remove.

28 Sep 2024

  1. Some people read the early draft and a couple of them mentioned that they’d like to read about anecdotes / stories behind each of these things and lessons. Maybe I will write a separate post. But at this time I don’t feel the need to write those.

More as they come.

Thanks to Nikhil, Ahona, Pradeep, Chandni and others for sharing feedback on an early draft. Thanks to Nikhila for the prompt. And Vaishnavi for the writing hour gift!

The last line

I read this fascinating list by Kevin D where he’s talking about his 50 lessons as he turned 50. His 43rd point is, “43. Only take advice from people who embody the traits you want to have. Talk is cheap—emulate those who have DONE it. (Especially important here on X where charlatans run rampant.)”. Emphasis mine.

So, please take this advice with that disclaimer 🙂

I’ve failed.

So I’ve failed. 

Lemme elaborate on this clickbaity headline. And this is about C4E – one of my life’s works.

Here’s some context.

I started C4E sometime in 2015 or 2016. Thanks to the generosity of Rajesh Sir at VISCOMM, I got off to a great start. But I couldn’t keep up the momentum. Things went along like you would expect them to at a startup. Just that we weren’t a startup per se – we were more of a regular business.

And then in COVID, I had to sort of pause. And with the help of Parijat and Pooja, C4E took rebirth in 2020. Both Ps continue to be well-wishers and tethered to us. In Poo’s case, she continues to have the option of being the founder alongside me. As I say often, her chappals occupy the highest throne at C4E.

So, with time, I have grown up and my thinking has evolved. And the world around us changed. And I have seen people change. And from wanting to be the richest man in the world, I’ve started to think a lot more about delivering insane impact, while being the richest man in the world. And from wanting to build a well-oiled machinery, I have pivoted to the want of building an org that is more human than anything else.

Human in my book means – empathetic, soft-spoken, polite, fair, “nice” and all that. Plus, at C4E, each human must (in the order I’ve written below)…

  1. have the respect (as a human) of everyone in the ecosystem. We are ok to let go of clients, people, things if we don’t spot respect. And respect goes beyond general niceness and politeness. And respect needs to be earned and not commanded or demanded.
  2. offer this respect to everyone else. And respect is in action (and not in words). And it’s in tiny things. For example, every email unanswered reeks of disrespect. Every time we leave someone on “seen” and not respond, it’s disrespect. Even if they are wrong. Each time we promise we’ll do something and we don’t that’s disrespect. Not showing up 2 minutes before the appointed time is disrespectful. I can go on for hours on this but I am sure you get the gist.
  3. have the freedom of their time to a reasonable extent (if not 100%).
  4. get fair and timely compensation for the time and energy they put in. Please note I am not indexed on competitive, world-class, market rates etc. I am indexed on fair and timely.
  5. have the opportunity to find a balance (of work and play) in their lives. It’s only them who get to decide what is work or what is play. And C4E must enable that. I’d go a layer deeper and say that their work at C4E must give them a sense of identity and pride. In my case, all of it is work. In the case of some of my colleagues, work is not even a part of their identity.
  6. come with the intent to put in honest, hard work that enables them to “earn” money, respect, the freedom of time and the opportunity to find the balance harmony in their lives. We are a smart bunch and we spot when people try to fool us. And we assume that the world out there is smart as well and they can spot when we try to fool them.
  7. have the drive to grow by doing more and the willingness to contribute to the growth of others. If not of the entire world, then of C4E Village. If not that, then at least the colleagues at C4E. If we don’t grow, we are dead.

PS: I am sure there would be more things that I want people at C4E to have, but these come to my mind as I write this. I will continue to update this.

PPS: I know that people don’t have an inherent awareness of many of the above. As the leader of the pack (I still get uncomfortable calling myself a leader), thus, it’s my job to train, educate, upskill, push, nudge, support, and encourage my people to become the best version of themselves.

And yes, even though I want my people to get all the things in the list above, we must acknowledge and know that we are a business at the end of the day. And as a business, we need to make money. And a lot of that hopefully. Money keeps the machinery running well. I need to pay people fairly and on time. I need money to enable a lot of things that we do at C4E. I need money to pay for my Starbucks!

Of course, we owe it to our shareholders (largely Pooja, myself and some others), mentors, clients, villagers, friends and others. In that order.

But we owe the most to our people. More than shareholders or mentors. It’s our people that make us who we are. The very foundation of C4E is people and the list that I shared above is a non-negotiable. I am lucky and grateful that people at C4E have chosen to invest their most important asset in C4E – time!

And if I am unable to offer my people all the things that I’ve listed above, I would consider myself a failure.

And this brings me to the clickbaity headline.

I’ve failed.

No, I will not go into details of why I’ve failed and what was the point of fault that triggered these thoughts. That stuff goes on my echoChamber. What goes here is acknowledgement that I’ve failed to offer the things that I’ve listed above.

In my head, I have failed to the point that while showering today a few days ago, I decided that I would shut the business on 31 Mar 2025. I thought that I would give my team, my clients and everyone a 7-month notice. I thought of scenarios after that and decided that I would do nothing for a while (may be a year) and drift around. May be reset life at the fabled age of 42!

But then I told myself the following…

It’s my raita. It’s my village. And I can’t take the easy way out. I can’t quit till I’ve reached where I want to reach (please don’t ask me what is this ‘where I want to reach’ – I have a fuzzy picture of me floating in gold like Uncle Scrooge would). And, most important, if not me, who? Reminds of this quote I read yesterday…

It says,

“Look at your habits: Are they the product of innumerable little cowardices and lazinesses…or of your courage and inventive reason?”

And poof! All doubt was gone. All the lingering feeling was gone. I had failed. But I shall rise. At least I will try to. And thus, ladies and gents, we continue to march on. And do whatever it takes to bring my house to order.

Watch me.

PS: While editing this, I realised, I could’ve very well titled this post The C4E Manifesto. Or the C4E values. Or even the C4E promise.

27 Aug 2024 – Morning Pages

I’ll start with a Silicon Valley cliche. There are decades when nothing happens and there are weeks where decades happen. 

Yesterday was a day when I think decades happened to me. And I probably aged by a decade. Apart from my echoChamber, I want to capture it on a public forum as well.

Here we go.

Oh, before I talk in detail and get into specifics, play this and let it play in the background as you read this.

Eddie – Guaranteed

Ok, now that you have the baritone of Eddie talking about how you ought to live life, I can talk.

I will talk about 5 things.

A/ Feedback from a senior agency person

Met a senior person from the agency business. I told him about my plans to take C4E in the big league and start pitching for projects at the intersection of modern marketing, digital, strategy and others. And compete with the likes of Ogilvy and others.

He snubbed me.

He told me and C that what we do is crap and he has no confidence in us being able to deliver large things. 

Which is ok.
May be fair.
But then on deeper introspection, I realised that maybe, just maybe he doesn’t understand what am trying to build. Lemme try to articulate again.

I want to build the world’s largest, richest, most impactful business. I want to play at scale. I want to move humanity and make us thrive, live better and all that. I want the workplace to be respectful, kind, hardworking, aciton-first and more. But…

But…

But I dont want to do this on the back of broken souls. I dont want to tramp over others. I dont want to make it toxic.

Now, when I hear things like, “make 200 calls, get 50 meetings, and convert 10 businesses”, I think, it’s a piece of fabulous advice for folks who want to use people as replaceable objects. But not me. I want to give a safe, kind space to everyone to find their bliss and get paid well while they do that. In such a business, we need people to be self-motivated, high-agency and respectful towards work. After all, for most of us who are not artists, we have to find meaning in what we do.

The thing is, if we are lucky, we’d have something to lean on that fills our soul. Some people find it in art. Some in sports. Some in code. Some like me, in business. Some dont find it at all. And it is in those cases that you have to latch onto something and make it yours.

When I see a younger colleague getting disrespected by saying “without disrespecting your age or experience”, I dont want to run that in the first place. If you have to add a disclaimer before you speak, it’s better to not speak.

When I am told that my work won’t cut it, I want to hear more. But about how I can make it better, not a rant on how it’s bad. I want to be pointed at flaws and not be told that we can’t do it.

So that.

Ok. Over this one. 4 more to go.

B/ I let go of one more person from my life.

I have this friend. Her father says a brilliant thing – he says, “is insaan ka panna faad diya“.

Lemme try and explain. Imagine our life is a notebook. Each person in our life is a page. And you can add as many pages in that notebook (once you meet new people). And then the page can extend to any length (depending on your relationship with them). And like any well-used journal or notepad, it can extend in all directions.

However, once you sort of break your relationship with someone (say, someone moves away from your life, someone does something uncool etc etc) you tear their page from your notebook. And then that’s that. You stop bothering about them. They become a stranger. You operate from a place of indifference. You are kind to the world, you are kind to them. You wish them success but you shall not partake in that. If they need help, you are not proactive. You let them come to you. So on and so forth.

He of course has a far deeper reason and philosophy. What I wrote is mine.

And yesterday, I tore one more page off my book. I wish the individual all the luck. I continue to love but I am no longer invested.

So that.

Oh, before you move forward, you may want to see this tweet.

C/ “15 lakh karte ho, 3 gaya, 12 bacha, 4 ek aur hai, 8 bacha. Band kar do“

Last evening, I was talking to a very close friend. The kind whose words mean the world to me.

While talking about something, C4E came up and I told him that I’ve lost a client. He said, “15 lakh karte ho, 3 gaya, 12 bacha, 4 ek aur client hai jo kabhi bhi chala jaaega, 8 bacha. Band kar do“

And it hurt.
Like a bitch.
It was probably meant to hurt.
It didn’t hurt this bad when the love of my life walked out of my life.

I think this made me realise that am probably very emotional about my work and this thing that I’ve created.

I was so fucked in the head that I couldn’t sleep well because of this. Kept thinking, tossing and turning in the bed. But then Whoop tells me I had 53% recovery with about 6 hours of sleep. I know that it was not good at all. Makes me even question the efficacy of a Whoop. And as a professional sleeper, both these things (not being able to sleep well and Whoop being unable to catch my sleep) are not cool.

Coming back.

So, it hurt. And I can either let it continue to hurt me. Or I can fix it. And no points for guessing what I would do. And I need help. Hands and heads. Lend me? And point me to others who I can take help from?

And to start with, I will shut everything that distracts me and I will work hard on taking C4E to an unbreakable place.

D/ Case of online bullying

Someone close to me was bullied online. And since this person was close to me and it was unprovoked bullying, I was angry. As fuck. If the bully were around me when I got to know about it, I would have probably caused hurt.

But am glad the dude lives in Noida.

In a mad rush of blood to my brain, I decided to seek retribution. To be honest, this is not like me. I dont do things like that on impulse. I think and act.

But, I wrote to the CEO of the company he works with (to make the company aware of the kind of people they’ve hired) and the college the bully went to (to check on his records and hopefully get some action). Made a LinkedIn post. Sent DMs. Considered filing a cyber crime case (but the portal was too complicated to have my complaint go thru and I did not try again).

But then I realised, an eye for an eye will make the world blind.

And thanks to Jagdish’s Bruno, I realised that anger is not the place to operate from (but bravery is). And I anyway know that empathy is a good place to be at.

Probably the boy is troubled. So I have decided to let the person go with a stern warning. Hope it fixes him. I will deliver that today. And I will of course close the loop with all the people that I wrote to.

E/ Hurt by someone close

This is the last one from this long rant.

I love a lot of people. To the point that it’s tough to manage egos and all that of all those people. I really go out of the way to make them comfortable, liked, respected, taken care of etc etc. To the best of my ability. Often at the cost of hurting myself. And with little expectation. You know, like Danveer Karna.

I just think there’s so much fuckery in the world. If I could be that island of sanity in their lives, why not?

And despite all these attempts to make someone feel good about life and all, I probably am unable to do enough to keep them engaged and happy.

So that.

Ok am done writing.
Like I said, I aged 10 years in one day.
And I am taking my lessons away.

In the end, so much of what I do, and how I do is about people. And then like life has taught me, EVERYone leaves. See this tweet. It makes me wonder if I were a fool to have taken this path.

I have seen friends, partners, colleagues, and even lovers leave me. And I may not admit it too many times but it sucks to be walking alone and sleep on an empty bed and not having anyone to look after you when you fall. Like I said, I give more than I can and often at great consequence to self. And yet people go. Leave me alone. And I am left wondering where did I go wrong.

Anyhow.

Wait.

Oh, I know there’s their side of the story as well and I know they had reasons for moving on. So I can’t blame them. Just that since everyone moves on en masse, there must be something wrong that am on to. And that’s what I need to discover and find. If you know me, help me. Point out flaws in my thinking.

Chalo, over an out.
From a decade older SG 😀

16 Aug 2024 – Morning Pages

Morning.
I will change this a bit.
I will list things that I want to talk about and then talk about those. Let’s go.

List:

  • Sleep – Professional Sleeper
  • Scotland Yard / LIFE
  • Doing things from AC offices

Now, details.

1/ Sleep

I’ve been trying to lose weight and I understood that a large component of that is sleep and calorie deficit. While I may not be able to do much on the calorie deficit part (I love eating and I do love the taste of processed foods and I hate working out and I dont like dance etc), I can do a lot with my sleep.

In the past I used to think that sleep is for weak and why can’t I not sleep or sleep less (afterall 8 hours is way large a proportion of your day). I have tried with polyphasic sleep, Red Bull etc etc but more I read, more I realise that I need to sleep better if I want a better life.

I’ve been trying a few things in the last month (Keto, IF, consistent bed times, no to travel etc) but I think I will experiment a little more in the next few days. Inspired by this thread by Bryan Johnson, here’s a list of changes I will make.

First, I will shift my identity to that of a professional sleeper. You know, how athletes have an identity as athletes and that means that they need to do whatever it takes to be in their peak?

That!

Other changes I will make include…

  1. Tracker – I already have a Whoop.
  2. Mattress – I think I have a good one. Bought one for a lot of money a few months ago. At some point in time I want to get an 8Sleep or equivalent. Let’s see when.
  3. I like my AC at 22 so that’s cool.
  4. I will add warm showers before bed. Maybe warm showers will be my wind down ritual.
  5. Time – I hereby declare that my sleep time is 10 PM. Unless it is life or death, I will not stay up later than 10. I will not take flights in my sleep window unless there are no other options
  6. Eat all I want to by 12 noon
  7. Last coffee before 12 noon
  8. I dont consume alcohol anyway. So that’s cool.
  9. Red Lamp to help sleep (aka regulating evening light)
  10. Flux. Installed. I dont like it. But installed it nonetheless.
  11. 10000 Lux Lamp to get up (aka morning light)
  12. I know I must get Blue light-blocking glasses but I will not get those.
  13. Bedroom will become a sacrosanct space that will only be used for sleep.
  14. My bedroom faces the road and there’s 24-hour traffic. So I can’t really make it a quiet room. I will see if I want to get a noise machine to help matters.

So that.

As of today, per my data on Whoop, my sleep performance is about 64% (the current period is about 72% and I peaked at 75 last month). Let’s see where I am in the next few days.

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2/ Scotland Yard / LIFE

I dont have a lot of memories from the time I was a kid. However, there are times when I see things, I remember things.

PS: As I wrote this, I remember two distinct events – one – I was crying on the terrace of my school after I lost a quiz and second I was crying in the corridor after I forgot the speech I had to make. I dont know why these two come to mind. Mind, afterall, has its way.

Yesterday, I was with a friend and we were at a Hamley’s to shop for her niece. While browsing around, I spotted Scotland Yard and LIFE. I also saw that catch a fish game. All these three are the games that I remember playing as a child. So much so that I was tempted to buy these games and get them back. But I did not. I will come back to it.

The point is, I did not know that I would have such a strong association with these two board games! I could vaguely remember being sad when one of the pegs in the LIFE broke. I remember playing Scotland Yard but not being good with it.

Ok, I dont have much to write about these two. I thought I would have.

Coming to what I had parked, I wanted to buy those games and hoard them at my place but I decided against it. I told myself that I would get those games cos I could never have enough of them while growing up and now they need to have a permanent place in my life. I even picked the box to take to the cash counter. But something came over me and I decided against that.

So I did well there. I dont want to be a hoarder because I did not have things while growing up. I want to use my money and space to have things that make my life better. I do not want to give in to emotional impulses.

3/ Doing things from AC offices

I wrote this in my Roam too.

For work, we were shooting a tiny thing for a client yesterday. And while we were doing that, I realised that I like to sit in an office and work. I dont want to be a part of what happens on the ground. I love the idea of making films but I am not willing to be on the set. I love the idea of running events but I dont want to see the setups or dismantles. I love the idea of running a restaurant but I dont want to see the kitchen. You get the drift.

Why?

Well cos on the ground, things take forever and that’s not cool!

Plus, yesterday was a tiring day. The previous night I hadn’t slept. I ate a lot. Keto went for a toss. Calorie deficit went for a talk. Was in the sun a lot. Travelled a lot. Took the train as well. And realised that age is catching up. Fast. Unless I do something about it. Something like better sleep!

So, two plus two, I like the idea of AC offices.

And with that, we are to the end of this post. Let’s see when I write next.

9 Aug 2024 – Morning Pages

A lot has happened since I last wrote these morning pages.

And thus, I think have a lot to talk about.

Let’s see how much of this lot converts into text once I start typing. It’s 9 AM and I have time till 10.

1/ Event at Goa

I managed an event in Goa over the last few days.

Each time I do an event, I realise how much I love this business of events. It offers everything I seek – people, money, instant gratification, showmanship, dopamine rush, adrenaline rush, travel, living in the moment, sprint (not marathon) and more.

I wish I could do more of these. In fact, each time I do an event, I wonder why I dont do more of those.

Sigh!

2/ Apatradaanam

I met someone over the weekend in Goa and he talked about Apaatradanam. Read it as a-paatra-daanam.

Handwriting of Shreya.

Loosely translated, this means, “charity directed at people that don’t deserve”.

Now, if you know me, you would know of my ideas of paying it forward. And that too without any expectation of returns or payback. And I’ve done this even when I was unable to even run my home.

Lately, however, I’ve started to think a lot about how I want to spend my time and energy. And this concept of Apaatradanam makes a lot of sense. I’d love to support folks that are deserving!

Now, this deserving is a subjective thing. And the only judge / jury of the deservingness of these people is, well, me. And I dont think this is fair. I will eventually find a way to make it fair. Any ideas anyone?

Oh, and I hereby declare that I will not give to places, folks, causes and other things that dont deserve. If you see me giving to those, please point out and stop me.

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3/ Amex Plat Charge

The want for this card has been as high as the want for Birkins. And since I was a kid. I’ve looked at it wistfully each time I see someone else sporting it. Each time I passed by an Amex lounge, I longed for it. I knew that at 60K a year, this was probably the most expensive thing I could get. I know if I ever get it, it would be vanity and nothing else. I would laugh at people who have this card (and other such signs of vanity).

And yet, I got it!

This is one of the most foolish decisions I’ve made in my entire life. And I am ok with it. The happiness lasted all of 1 microsecond (when I held it for the first time) and since then, I’ve started to sort of hate it? I mean not hate it but I have this buyer’s remorse.

But then, I was reminded of these lines about shauq. And this is a rare thing I’ve done for shauq.

Also, while I was thinking about this, I was reminded of all the bucket lists, wish lists and all those that I had made when I was younger.

I think I need to bring those back. Meanwhile, here is one for your viewing pleasure 😀

Ofc, there are times when I think that at my age, I should be thinking of pooja-paathh and not finding outlets for my shauqs. But then, am human :D. Oh and in case you want a card for yourself, use this link 😀

4/ C4E and Friends

PS: I wrote this bit with the help of Flow.
PPS: Published a slightly edited version of this on LinkedIn. Read at https://www.linkedin.com/feed/update/urn:li:activity:7227556269274914817/

I am a very, very big believer in expanding my network. And I do that by building a lot of loose connections. And with those loose connections, I hope that at some point in time, those connections actually become a little more warm and a little more close. And then those warm and close connections help me get work for me and my team. Essentially, I try to be present everywhere on the internet. To the point that I once asked an intern to put me on various WhatsApp groups. I am digressing.

Coming back.

The other I was thinking, what if I create a group called C4E and friends and add people who are well-wishers of C4E there?

These “friends” are people that give me work. These are the people that give me ideas. These are the people that show me the path when I’m lost. And these are the people that I can hang out with when I have no one else to. Think village, but a larger one.

What if I can build a community of people who are supporting C4E in its mission of being a world-changing org? And like with most things, I started by making a WhatsApp group (and not by booking a domain this time around).

I have floated the idea and the group link around in the last few days. I’ve had mixed response. Not many like the idea. In fact, not a lot of folks from my own village like it. And no, I have not yet opened it up. But the more I think about it, the more I am warming to the idea of doing it. Maybe I will action it today.

Eventually, the idea is to make this group a safe space where everybody will be connected to each other. There’ll be a directory that would have details on work, city, interests etc. Think of a professional networking opportunity, brought to you by C4E. On this group, each person would propel each other up.

So that!

What do you think?

Would you join?

5/ Accountability and Responsibility

The other day I read something about accountability and responsibility and I realised that I am accountable at best (and not responsible) and in case I need to get ahead in life, I need to be responsible!

Here’s the original piece…

I am not sure of the source. In case you find it, please lemme know.

The thing is, I need to work hard to be responsible!

So this is it.
For the day.
Let’s see when I write next.

Untitled – 27/28 Jun 2024

As always, I dont know what to write but I feel like sharing. I started writing it on the 27th but I was unable to finish it. Continuing today.

Let’s go.

1/ Money

I am close to the month’s end. And that means I have started to get jittery about money. I need to pay my people. While it is a feeling of bliss to pay people who choose to work with me, often it adds to random chaos in my head.

This time it will be especially stressful as we haven’t been paid by all the clients (and of course that shouldn’t matter to others) but I have to pay folks on time. And I am at the end of my credit line. So I dont know what to do.

Let’s see. I’ve learnt that life often finds a way. I am sure it would find this time around too.

2/ Marketer’s Responsibility

Yesterday day before I was dinnering with some friends and we were seeing music from Moosewala and Gurdas Mann and Rabbi Shergill and the likes. I lamented that the music made by these people was to push a narrative (I dont have an opinion if they were right or wrong), educate, inform and all that. My generation grew up on that. I wouldn’t know about Bilquis Bano unless I heard it in a Rabbi song. Indian Ocean back in the day made me curious about Rewa even though they didn’t talk about its significance. More recently, listening to Moosewala made me aware of Sec 295.

Compare it to what people are listening to today.

The top 10 tracks in India today include the likes of Jhumka Gira Re, O Maahi (I dont even know what this is), Sajni and more.

Nothing wrong with these.
Each must be a fascinating piece of art.
But are they stirring my soul?
Are they making me think deeper as a human?

No, I am not sure.

So that’s it.

PS: I know I am cherry-picking a few tracks to make a case – both from my time and from the time of today. And there may be musicians and artists in this day and age who are making people aware but it’s not reaching me.

Now, extrapolate this to communication and marketing.

Which was the last campaign (not just an ad) you saw that made you take note of what’s happening around us? Which piece of communication from a brand last stirred your soul into doing more? Which brand has taken a solid stand that you believe the world needs? No, I am not talking about token activism by brands around Mother’s Day, Pride Month et al.

I can think of Share The Load as a campaign that made at least me aware of how certain kinds of work have been gendered. For my life, I can’t think of any other campaign at this time.

I know that as marketers we ought to think only about selling our wares better. But we have the blessings of a marketing budget. And that’s an opportunity to push the narrative needed by the times! I believe we have a FAR larger responsibility than we imagine (of selling only our wares) and I see fewer and fewer people even thinking about things. Especially in this day and age when one smart-alec piece of communication is on-purpose designed to “go viral”. I mean look at the latest piece from Tanishq. I wish they had dug deeper.

Anyhow.

So, while I am appreciative of the great art and craft and thought used by these brands in their communication, as a marketer, I am disappointed that we are not building conversations and communication pieces that nudge the culture.

Phew.
Rant over.

3/ Fitness

I dont know why I am unable to work on my fitness. I just dont have the discipline. And I will change that from today. This is the millionth time that I have promised myself and the world that I would work on my fitness. Let’s see if I can manage.

I plan to start with some yoga. I dont know how to carve time in the morning. I dont have time during the day. And at nights I am too tired. Old age, you see. But I will find time. Maybe I will wake up super early – like at 4:30. And then get some work done before 7 AM and then do it? I don’t know. I will see. May be I will NOT travel for the next few days and then see if I am able to get a schedule in.

I will also change my diet from today. I ate Suraj Lama Momos for like 100th time last night. No, they are not that good. Just that they deliver super fast. Like in 10 mins. Faster than instamart.

I will go on a lo-carb, high-protein diet. I will try for a few days. If I can’t sustain, I will find myself a cook. So that.

4/ Baarish

Yesterday it rained. And it poured. And it was windy. And it was relentless. And I was in it. At the C4E Sunset Club. And it was fabulous. Oh, while I was in the rain, I was on a call. And I loved each minute that I was there.

I wish there were more rains and more opportunities to get wet and more ways to enjoy it. I wish I lived in a house that was near the beach so that I could go there more often. I wish the monsoon was not a two month phenomenon. I wish I have less and less places to be so that I could be at the Sunset Club, under the rains.

Bas itna hi.

5/ Action

The last night I was talking to an acquaintance. She asked me how I was. And I gave my usual answer. Here’s a screenshot from the conversation.

Let’s park this as A. I will come back to this.

Last night (while getting drenched in the rain), at the C4E Growth Session, I encouraged each person at C4E to list their values. I also tried to list my values. I’ve done this a million times but I thought I would do it again.

Here’s a list. Let’s call this B.

Now, when I marry A and B, I realise that life has become monotonous. There is no action, no movement, no fun.

I may say that I’ve become stoic (after all, I am stressed that I dont have the money to pay my people, I can be sad that I dont have a romantic partner, I could be fucked in the head about my inability to steer C4E in the way I want to and many more things). Or I may accept that I’ve become lazy and dependent on others for things. Funnily, in my life, I was never this. I was always atamnirbhar. I was always the go-getter. Always the kind to do things by myself. And if the events of the last few months are anything to go by, I need to operate from the place where I am all alone. Everyone leaves. It’s not if. It’s when.

Saw this couplet by Faraz on Instagram and I was amazed that some poets can capture emotions so well. This is EXACTLY how I feel on most days. He says,

बुझी नज़र तो करिश्मे भी रोज़ो शब के गये
के अब तलक नही पलटे हैं लोग कब के गये

करेगा कौन तेरी बेवफ़ाइयों का गिला
यही है रस्मे ज़माना तो हम भी अब के गये

मगर किसी ने हमे हमसफ़र नही जाना
ये और बात के हम साथ साथ सब के गये

अब आये हो तो यहाँ क्या है देखने के लिये
ये शहर कब से है वीरां वो लोग कब के गये

गिरफ़्ता दिल थे मगर हौसला नही हारा
गिरफ़्ता दिल हैं मगर हौसले भी अब के गये

तुम अपनी शम्ऐ-तमन्ना को रो रहे हो “फ़राज़”
इन आँधियों मे तो प्यारे चिराग सब के गये

Faraz

The couplet in bold and underline is what caught my attention the most.

So that.

Coming back.

Maybe I need to be a lot more hands-on.
Maybe I need to be a lot more particular.
Maybe I need to push myself more.

I dont know the answer.

Let’s see.

Chalo, work beckons. Enough for the day.

Untitled – 19 Jun 2024

An untitled rant about things that are clouding my head.

Morning ladies and gents. Here are the things that I want to catalogue on the 19th of Jun 2024. This is a brain dump of all that I’ve been thinking about over the last few days.

1/Rain is here in Mumbai 🙂

Love it!

I know there is muck and stink and all that but I am ok as long as I can go home and shower. I think it’s my most favourite season. While it’s still hot and muggy, the shower sort of cleans you from within. Like a shower for the soul!

If I had my way I would get wet each time it rains. Someday I would have a house with a terrace and I’d just lie down while the rain gods belt me with their amrit and prasad.

I know a lot of folks I know dont like rains and it’s ok. I also tend to not like it when the aircraft shakes likes a mixer in the monsoons. But then its a small price to pay for the gorgeousness of baarish 🙂

Here’s an exhibit.

2/ Am taking a backseat from day-to-day operations at C4E.

Something that I’ve wanted to do for long.

Not because I want to retire but because I want to be able to do more with my time. I want to expand us beyond the borders of India and build more things for the entire village. I also want to take a shot at building a unicornable idea. Right now, C4E does not look like one.

I tried to go offline and pass on the baton a few years ago and when I did that (I went to EBC) and I lost 66% of my business.

Fast forward to 2024. In C, I have identified a fairly able person. Plus I’ve trained over the last two years. And we’ve set things in motion.

We are experimenting till Sep of 2024 and then we’ll see where it goes.

I just need to figure if she would stay with me for the long haul. My experience of having people stay with me is not the greatest. And since it’s just not one person that has moved on, it has to be me at fault. So that.

Also, my insecurity with “my” people has sort of resurfaced with this decision. I thought I had made peace with people moving on. But now I know I haven’t been able to. And I dont know what to do to settle this. I dont know how people find people that would stay together for lifetimes. I dont know how to get used to see people drift away from your life. I dont understand how people you decided to build your life with are no longer in your life. There are times when I still think about all those folks that have moved on. While I need to have happy memories, I tend to get not so pleasant ones as well. And now that I have put this ball in motion, am mindfucked half the times, thinking about when (not if) when C moves. Ok, clarification (realised this while editing). It’s not about her. It’s about me and in my inability to hold people together. Plus this is a recency thing. I realised that less than a month ago that one of my super-long-term friends moved on without telling me. And I am yet to come to terms with that. So that.

Anyhow. We’d come to it when we come to it. For now, the transition is in place.

3/ Lost sight of 40 crores target.

For context, I had decided that in this financial year, I would do a topline of 40 crores. And Q1 is almost over and we are not even at 40 lakhs. I’ve lost sight of the goal 🙁

I can justify this by saying that am building the base for the next phase of growth. After all, we have processes for most things, we have documented a lot of things, there’s a transition happening at C4E. There is no need for me to be involved in large decisions. Etc etc.

But the hard cold fact remains that we are VERY VERY far from 40. Heck, the way we are going, even doing last year’s 4 looks tough!

And no, I am not worried or anything. I am putting this on record. And no, there’s no pressure on anyone from my team to do more than what they want to. Just that we need to be aware of this and then at some point act on it. And since the transition is underway, it’s C’s problem now ;P

4/ Being unhealthy.

I dont know what to do about it. Despite being a diabetic, I haven’t moved a muscle on things. I dont know what to do. Thing is, apart from this health thing, I am NOT lazy at all. And even when I see my energy waning, I am not inspired to do more. Just today I walked 1000 steps and I was puffling like I had run a marathon!

I even have my why to live and yet I am not willing to work on my how or what. As an aware, intelligent, smart and all that man, I know this is not the right thing if I have to do more in life.

But I am unable to fix it. Maybe I will pick some sport. Maybe yoga. Maybe I will finally join a gym, my hernia be damned. Or dance. I really really would like to have a chiseled physique like Jason Statham’s. Sigh.

Oh, I am munching on snacks as I write this!

And this is it. No, no intervention is needed. This is my public journal of thoughts and ideas. I am ok. As ok as I can be. Thank you for indulging me ;P

Untitled – 31 May 2024

I caught some fever last Friday.
Been a week since.
I think I have recovered now.
But here are some recollections from the time I was perpetually in my bed. And some from after I recovered. These are not recollections per se – rather pieces that I want to capture somewhere.

Let’s go…

1/ You lose weight to start with. I lost 3 KGs.

2/ In the delirium induced by fever, you remember things that you never knew you knew. Like I remembered this young girl – she used to be an intern at VISCOMM and now she’s a kick-ass, award-winning screenwriter.

I remembered a friend-ish person who passed away a few weeks ago.

I had vivid memories of spending time with my ex-girlfriend at her house.

I am working on an event in Phuket next week and I was thinking about it a lot. Update – I am no longer doing this 🙁

3/ For some reason the taste buds die. Coffee starts to taste different. The thing that typically tickles your taste buds the most (Pani Puri) fails to wake up any emotions. Even the inhaler smells different. I can empathise with people like AK who have long-COVID.

4/ Whoop showed me that my recovery was like 1%. Then it became 3%. Then it climbed up to some 40. And that’s as normal as things could get. Oh, day before, I hit 100% on sleep for the first time I think. I slept for more than 8 hours. I dont think I’ve ever needed this much sleep but since Whoop says so and I’ve now managed to hit a 100% mark, I need to rethink this.

5/ I finally downloaded Bumble. Not my ideal choice – the anxiety and sadness of not getting matches is real. But I dont know what else to do. I remain too much of an introvert to walk up to women that I find interesting. What else can I do?

6/ Had to take up some working capital loan. I am really not cool about this taking loan, getting paid, paying back loan situation. Also, see #15.

7/ Walked to the C4E Sunset Club Point yesterday after the sunset. Was better – heat was less. The water was up to the ramp. Sat on top of the rocks. Realised that the view is better from up there. While there is something in touching the sand letting the water lap up to you, the view and the winds and comfort to the backside is better on top.

8/ Decided today in the morning that I will start reading again.

Read about 20 pages of Courage To Be Disliked. I will continue to choose self-help or biographies. No more books with lessons and all that. No more fiction for sure.

9/ Thanks to Rachna, we managed to submit the screenplay to SWA Pitchfest. To me, this is a big one. This is the first time a completed screenplay has my name to it! Now to go and shop it around and see if we can get someone to want to make a film about Aakanksha.

10/ Realised that 2 months of 2024-25 are over and we at C4E haven’t moved our backside on our plans to dominate the world.

11/ Grateful that I dont have to step out in the sun this treacherous heat. I know tons of folks are out and about and are working and all that. I respect them. I really am inspired by their efforts. I wish I could be like them. But I am not. So that.

12/ Last two-three days I have started to buy a muskmelon when I go back home from Starbucks. I cut it the best I can and then I eat it. I dont know if it’s any good for me but I do like the idea of doing something with my hand. No, I cant become a cook. No, I dont want to do fancy salads. This much – tiny bit – knife through the melon is all that I want to do.

Thing is, I’ve never had any taste for fruits but I am trying to cut on fried, packaged food and the best solution is to lean onto fruits. So that.

13/ I feel like snacking today. Have had some sugary cookies already. And I am sipping onto fizzy, sugarly, synthetic ginger-ale and coffee. If only I could come to a Starbucks everyday, not order anything and sit here to work, ISTG, I could change the world!

Let’s see what I end up ordering.

14/ I paid all bills in one shot yesterday – electricity, internet, mobile phone, GAS, cabs etc etc. I felt like an adult. But wait. haven’t I been an adult for like 22 years now?

15/ I also paid all my people. Love that feeling. I dont think I will ever want a CA to do that. Even if a CA does it, I will want to press the button. The feeling of paying people is unparalleled. Also, see #6.

16/ Grammarly has screwed their free product in want of getting more people to pay. Way too many notifications and pop-ups while writing.

Ok, enough.

More over the next few days!

Untitled – May the 12th

An untitled braindump.

A lot has happened in the last few days. And I mean a lot. From health scares to awareness of lack of money to getting stabbed in the back to taking the largest shot of my life to the decision to go to the mattresses. I wish I could write about all of it on a public forum. I know no one cares about it. I know that once am gone, all this is meaningless. I know all I can do is take lessons, give those to my folks and move on. So that.

Chalo, let’s write randomly about things that I am thinking about

1/ Ankita asked me if I could bring back LFW.

On a whim, I floated a form and I am gathering interest. Here. To be honest, I have mixed feelings about this. On one side, I get to write more. On the other, I am not sure if I have the energy or the time to do this.

In an ideal world, I would like to not worry about money and do all these things that enable others. But then we dont live in an ideal world.

2/ I am going to the mattresses.

If you know the meaning, great. If you don’t, well you dont. I am not explaining. But at this time, I am facing the biggest challenge that C4E has ever faced, after we became what we’ve become post COVID-19.

3/ Toto’s at Bandra

I went to Toto’s last night to meet some friends. It was a very very interesting meet. Multiple reasons

a/ I went there after like 15 years. The place is as buzzing, as expensive, as good as it was back then. I would love to meet the owners and learn about their story!

b/ While I was there, I realised that the best economic decision that you can make as a professional is to marry someone and bind your economic fortune with them. You may have an open marriage, you may not be lawfully wedded but once you start living AND EARNING AND SPENDING with someone else, you get to build an economic engine that in 20 years will give you immense wealth.

If you are in your 20s, find someone that is willing to “marry” you and you together build a life. The best-case scenario is when you can live together and limit your expenses.

c/ I realised I dont like traffic at all. I spent about an hour to go meet friends. I dont see the value in all that travel to meet folks. I know that I need to have deep relationships and community and all that. But I also know that all my energy gets sucked and drained in the commute. So that.

d/ All my friends there could only chat about LV bags, business class flights, Rolexes, sculpted bodies, curly hair and I dont know what all. I couldn’t relate to any of that chatter. A few days ago I stayed with a friend and his family and again the routine humdrum was about school, holidays in Europe and all that.

To be honest, there’s nothing wrong in that. This is what life is. May be I am a fool in chasing largeness – I dont even know what largenss could be. I mean all my friends have large lives – multiple houses, multiple sources of incomes, multiple holidays, multiple kids. And here I am, on the road again taking loans to make ends meet.

Lemme digress for a bit. I had decided that I would never take another paisa of loan. But in the last 10 days, I’ve had to take money twice. And the way things are I will have to take one more tranche towards the end of the month. Which is ok – this is a working capital loan, to be honest. But I need to be prudent enough to not lean on loans.

e/ I also realised yet again that I live a very unidimensional life. This is not new. And lately, I’ve been seeing signs of this all around me. Maybe I am seeking this only?

4/ Relationships

I’ve been thinking a lot about longevity and one of the tenets (apart from the usual suspects) is – healthy relationships. Of all kinds.

I suspect when you have great relationships, the stress hormones are not active enough to kill you. And if they are, the peace and harmony from these relationships would ensure that you dont die of stress.

So, I need to work on this.

In terms of relationships, in decreasing order of priority, I think we have the following kinds – romantic partners, parents, siblings, offsprings, friends, work colleagues, community, strangers and everyone else. Oh, and the most important is the relationship with self!

In my case, I think that the romantic partner one is the most fractured. I am ok with my parents (though they live away from me). I am ok with how I am with my sis, though I would like to be closer. The closest thing to my offspring is growing up fast and getting away from me. Sad but I can’t help it. And I dont want to inhibit her flight. Friends is something I need to work on. I have lately started to get more involved with friends from school and college (and I am struggling to be honest). I think I have a great relationship with my work colleagues. I am active in the community as well (work to honest, not locality etc). And I think I am ok with strangers – I operate from a place of empathy and trust. I assume everyone is good, unless they give me a reason to believe otherwise.

So, I need to fix these.

5/ The Village

All I do, all I am building, is this thing called the C4E Village. Right now it’s not a physical space but someday it would be. While that happens, I want to ensure that it does well. And I need to find a way to sustain it. And I need to protect it despite all odds. That’s it. Just writing this here.

Oh, the track of the day is this.

Over and out. See you folks next time!

Untitled – May the 4th be with you

Unfiltered stream of thoughts from a morning on a weekend (and some more days beyond the weekend)

I mostly start my posts with, “I dont know what to write.”

And then I dump my thoughts. And then something catches my fancy. And then I take that thread from the spool and start to work on it. Right now as I write this (I dont know when I’d publish this), I am sitting on the 47th floor of a high-rise in Manila, staring down to a mostly flat country, some high-rises in the distance, a bay beyond and then the ocean. It’s making me feel a lot of things.

Some are…

1/ I would like to live in luxury.
Right now I live in a tiny 1BHK that I find great by Mumbai standards. When I step out to friends’ houses and other places where my travels take me, I realise that there’s so much more about life that I dont know about. There’s so much more that I could experience. And I want to chase that – abundance, experiences, the novelty of the unknown, the thrill of access, the joy of community, the pleasure of enabling others and more.

2/ I like my mornings.
It’s 8 AM and I am listening to music and being busy with nothing specific (I checked email, read news et al). I could rather shut this and journal. Or meditate. To be honest, this post am writing is like a journal only. Just that this is a tad filtered compared to what I would write on my Roam. May be I will get back to a pen-paper journal? I dont know if I can do that well cos I know I dont like the idea of carrying a notepad. I dont know if my handwriting anymore. Let’s see.

I am writing another part of this at 7 AM, on the 8th May. Again, loving this feeling of being by myself and writing whatever is clouding my head. This blog has really come to become my echochamber and closest confidante.

3/ Am restless.
I dont know what to do with my life. For a change am ok with money. I just need to figure out cash flow management but apart from that am ok. I am rising up Maslow’s pyramid and I am finding it tough to navigate that. I’ve been working with a coach and even that is not enough.

There’s this tussle between the want and the need.

Want of a better life. Need to maintain what I have.

Want of growing 100X. Need of paying the bills.

Want of providing better for everyone. Need of ensuring they are paid on time.

On one side, am inspired to quit it all and go back to the safe havens of a job. On the other when I see my people do what they did yesterday (on the 3rd May), I am inspired to keep the village going. It’s through adding meaning to their lives that I find meaning in mine!

Part of this and the part beyond this is being written on the 5th May. But I like the cliched title a lot and I dont want to change it 🙂

4/ I was talking to VG about things in general and he asked me 5 people that I ?talk to outside of work. I realised I had none. Each connection, each relationship, each minute of mine is spent with (or thinking about) people from work.

Overshare but each of my deep relationships has been with someone around my work. So that. Now, I dont know if this is a good thing or bad. I know already that my life is fairly unidimensional where all I think about is work and nothing else. I’ve tried to find distractions in the past, including getting addicted to cheap dopamine – TV, Cricket, Films etc but for some reason, I feel very very guilty when I am merely vegetating. I am guilty of even getting into the MAFA (Mistaking Activity For Action) trap where sitting on a computer becomes “action” for me and I justify that.

So that.

Oh, in terms of people beyond work, I try hard to meet new people at each opportunity I get. I like the idea of being well-connected. I try and build as many loose connections as I can. On my last trip to Bangalore (some days ago), even though I was there for a day, I tried to meet new folks. And I did meet some. Of course, most of those folks won’t remember me after that night but I’d like to believe that at least one of those would stay in touch and at some point be of use to the village. I use the word use with mindfulness. I dont see people as objects. Just that I want to invest each morsel of energy in building the village. The two events from the night of the 3rd May (P3 and DD) and the messages from my people and stories of strangers have reaffirmed my belief in what I am working on. Just that at this time I am neither unable to explain that to people, nor I am able to find a revenue model for that. But then I think it will come to me with time.

Coming back. I dont have anyone that I talk to out of work. This may be a bad thing. This may be a good thing. But this is how it is. Do you have a way out?

5/ Health has been a recurring theme in my conversations.
And my inability to act on that front. And I know that I can’t be consistent with anything ever. I call this my inability to run a marathon. I know I need to not hide behind this excuse and do more but I am unable to.

Once I am back in Bom (which is Tuesday), I plan to drop everything and make health my priority. I’ve made such promises in the past. To myself. And to others. And to people that I dont want to disappoint. And yet I haven’t been able to act on it. I even have a “why” to be fit – live as long and do more – and yet I am not acting on it.

As I write this, it’s Wednesday the 8th. I slept at 10ish last night and I got 7 hours. Whoop tells me that my HRV is alarmingly low. I need to find a solution for that. I need to add some workouts to my life – I will do that. On the flight back home, I made an entire list of things and changes that I would make. No, this is not the first time I’ve made such lists. But this time I hope am able to implement this. The biggest thing I would do is get a coach to help me out – if nothing else I will get into some sort of routine. I need to figure money though, to pay for one. Know any “cheap” coaches that will come home?

6/ Attention deficit is a problem.
I was trying to read a book while I was on the break and I realised that I couldn’t focus on it beyond 2 minutes. And I’ve been a voracious reader all my life. To a point that I would read 100-odd pages a day. And I would read it all – fiction, non-fiction, anything. Now, I can’t do even 100 seconds. I am so used to multitasking, solving problems, and enjoying easy dopamine hits that I am losing my ability to focus. I need to solve for this.

Also, I was telling a friend the other day that I take 2 hours to get in the flow.

I need to work on it. I can’t take that long. Since I got the Whoop, I am realising that my sleep is not optimal at all. I remember that during lockdown I tried Naval’s 60X60 challenges (60 minutes of meditation first 60 minutes of the day) and I did manage a lot of days. I think I will get back to meditation. Luckily I still journal a lot – in public and in private – and that helps. This is a journal.

So, along with health, I will fix this bit too. Attention deficit I mean. I will make this the second priority. Health being the first one. I need to design my life around it. Right now, my life is optimised for work. So that.

7/ My mornings are sacred.
I do all sorts of things in the morning – work, emails, chatter from the previous night and all that. Even the thought of using my mornings for anything that is not work, I cringe. If I get on the workout bandwagon in the mornings, all my work would suffer. I need to maybe wake up earlier than ever? If I can be up at 430, I can wrap all my work by 7ish and then I can hit the gym or whatever? But then that means I will need to sleep by 9 PM. I think I can manage 9 if I can be disciplined. But then work, socialising, et al? Ok, this is a problem that needs to be solved. I will put my head to it and do it.

8/ Coming to the end of line in life.
In electronics retail, they have this concept of End of Line where once a product hits the peak, they stop working on it. The last few pieces are sold at rock-bottom prices and crazy discounts.

I think I have reached EOL in life. This means that my age, I can only take one more shot at greatness. In the next 5 years, life as I know it would change – at a personal level, on the health front – and others. So I can only do things over the next 2. So, things need to be done today and now. And I need to run faster. And I need to push more. I sat with AK and CM yesterday and gave them this spiel – that the two of them are my best shot at greatness. I would live a grand life vicariously – through theirs. I may never become a Sachin but with these two kids, I can become Ramakant for sure. And that probably would be the highest I would reach. This is a far cry from how I’ve lived all my life. I mean I’ve known since I was a kid that am a gift and I would be the richest man in the world. Today I realise that I probably would not even be the richest in the rundown building that I have rent a tiny house. And to be honest, this acceptance of a failed life is not a good thing. But…

But we persist. We continue to dream. Against all odds. Against age. Hoping that someday we would have enough. We would have abundance. And then we would hopefully make it to at least the top 1%, if not THE top.

So that.

Ok this is it. I shall publish this or else this would become an infinitely long blogpost with no end.

More later!