I write about my struggles with consistency. And I write about my ability to work with intensity.
Here’s a razor (I know what a razor is, thanks to a brilliant ebook by S – she has made it available for pay-what-you-like here) – As you know more, you know more about more things that you dont know anything about, let alone more.
Like a few nights ago, I was standing outside a hotel lobby waiting for an event setup to happen (ISTG I love this business of events and I wish I could do large format, large scale setups that need hundreds of people) and I realised (epiphany happened!) that I dont like to do things. And I have never liked it, ever since I was a child. More on this in subnote 1.
But then, I realised, I like to manage things. And managing things essentially means I need to manage the egos and fears and desires of the people whom I work with. And thankfully I am at a place in life where I dont have to “do” things no more. I can get by merely managing! And I think I am good when it comes to understanding people and all that. Let’s park this as A. We would come back to it.
The other thing that I’ve known for a while is that I am unable to do things that need a day-to-day grind and consistency. Things like writing every day (even though I wrote and published for 100-odd days straight while in lockdown), working out every day, running social media pages, staying on top of accounts and numbers (my father at the age of 68 can tell me outstanding balances of scores of suppliers that we work with at C4E and I have a hard time remembering how many people do I work with!) and other things that require consistent, daily grind.
I have really tried hard to maintain streaks and do things on a regular day-to-day basis, and yet, I have failed. I can blame it on my formative years at an events agency where most work was strictly on a project basis and once you were on a project, you could forget everything – you know marathons and sprints? And thus you didn’t have to work on things that needed daily rhythm / cadence. And after a project was over, you had so much downtime that I could write a damn book! Let’s call this B.
Now, if I club A and B (my inability to do things and my inability to do things on a day-to-day basis), I am staring at a very bleak future! I mean, the world nature rewards consistent work over long periods. Intensity gets you only so far. It’s consistent small efforts that compound into an avalanche of magnanimous results!
The funny thing is, I am aware of this. And yet I have not been able to stay consistent. I know I am getting old and health-wise it’s only downhill from here on and yet I don’t work out. I know that to grow my business and reach my ambition, I need to work on my personal brand and yet I refuse to create content every day. I know that I need to see my team do well and yet I am not consistent with my training.
In fact, I’ve gathered an entire folder of images that extol the virtues of consistency over intensity. And yet I am unable to move my ass on it. Here –
So yea. Despite the awareness that I need to over-index on consistency, I am unable to be consistent. Of course, I continue to be very good when it comes to being intensive about work and life and all that!
On consistency, I have tried everything – keeping trackers (that look like minefields with gaping holes in those), making large bets (that I’ve been losing since I was a child), taking help from accountability buddies (that have grown frustrated with me and have abandoned me), calendaring things (that I plainly skip) and what not.
And yet I haven’t been able to do this!
And there are some people that I know that are so good at showing up EVERYday that they are on 1000s of days of streaks of performing tasks. In this TED talk by Duolingo founder, I found that there are 3 million people that have a streak of more than 365 days!
3. MILLION. 365. Days.
Let that sink in.
EACH DAY of the year, some rain, shine, hail, storm, they have done their bit on Duolingo. An app.
WOW! And how!
So yeah that. My struggles with consistency.
Over and out.
PS: Subnote 1 While editing this piece, another epiphany happened. That on my personal brand, I was doing it all wrong – I was talking about marketing, writing, startups and all that. However, that is not who I am! I am a tinkerer, a mover of things, an experimenter, a trier and all that. I like to do things – often without agendas and thus I need to create / share content about these trials and all that (rather than marketing). More on this in a few days. Meanwhile, over and out 🙂
A collection of notes and thoughts about living in two very different houses in the same city. Read on.
I am one of those rare lucky ones who have access to two houses in Mumbai. One I rent (let’s call it A) and the other, I take care of for a friend (let’s call it B). While I spend most of my time around A, I often go back to B. This is a collection of notes and thoughts about living in these two houses in the same city.
Read on.
Lemme talk of A first. The one at DN Nagar
A is a 1BHK, on the 4th floor in a building that is older than my parents. The building is more precarious than a flaky croissant and if you look at it, you’d peg it to crumble down like those Digestive biscuits do when you bite into those. And since this is an old standalone building, there is no fancy razzmatazz, no security, needlessly nosy neighbours. Plus it’s bang on top of a busy road and the Metro line and thus noisy at all hours.
The good part is that the house was newly renovated and I am the first occupant. So, it’s super clean – the way I like it. The owners are nice people and they gave me flowers and paintings when I moved in. I’ve been here 3-4 months now and I have yet to hear them complain or interfere. One time there was some leakage and the owners were so apologetic that I felt bad!
The best part is the location. The metro station is 100 steps away (I have counted). Starbucks is 600 meters (and I still take a rick to get there). And all the other paraphernalia that you seek from a “location” (like a hospital, grocery stores, schools, gyms etc etc). A lot of people from the film fraternity are around and thus I can meet more people. So it’s nice.
To make the good and best better, I’ve done it the way I’ve wanted to. You know, minimal. In the bedroom, apart from an eclectic collection of almirahs that I inherited from the owner, I have just a mattress and a rented AC. In the hall, I have some assorted pieces of furniture (including a sewing machine!) that came with the house. So, it’s one of the emptiest houses (not the emptiest though – at Chilralekha, all I had was a mattress, almirah, writing table and nothing else) that I’ve lived in and I love it! And whatever little I have here, I am not emotionally attached to any of that and I am ok to discard or acquire as and when they come. So that.
I have built a nice pad for myself. Just that it’s not good or big or nice enough to host anyone. You know how people are ashamed of their poverty? That!
Coming to B. The one at Ghatkopar
This is as fancy as they come. The rent of this house is more than what I make in a month. The average car in this complex is a luxury sedan and people have a couple of spare cars for grocery shopping. The complex is nice and there are rules that are funny to me – you can’t get repairs done that would make noise (but they would play Garba songs are deafening volume late in the night), the domestic help “staff” can only use service elevator (but once they are in your house, they have unfettered access to even your kitchen and bedroom). And to top, there is three-layer security, neighbours are a mix of old money and nouveau riche, and things are as pretentious as they come in such a place.
There is no way I can afford to live here. I mean I have lived in this complex in the past but that was when the rents were manageable and I had predictable income. B, the house in question is a close friend’s. He lives abroad and he has entrusted me with his house as a caretaker. And to be honest, I do more than just take care – I live here, I host dinners here, I work from here and I get guests to chill and talk and all that. Something that I would never do at A. Each person who comes here says good things about the place. They are fascinated by the grandeur and space and how well it’s been done. The interiors are a sight to behold. The view from out of the house is full of nice things. See this, this and this.
The house is full of modern, top-of-the-line gadgets and they’re maintained by official servicing setups (read expensive) and all the cables and wires and plumbing and even dustbins are hidden from plain sight. You can mistake the place for a hotel room where all you see is nice things and all the ugliness is buried deep under multiple layers of shiny walnut panels, satin, thick carpets and white gloves.
There are good things only (apart from the obnoxious things I mentioned above). A shopping mall is across the road, the hospital is about 10 mins away (in Powai) and there is easy access to trains et al. Just that LBS Marg could get choked at office hours and for me, most days I can avoid that. So, all is well.
And I use it as my own house. And I am grateful that I have that!
The trouble is, I am unable to relate to people that live here. All of them are in a bubble, an echochamber that they refuse to get out of. They are in a cocoon (ironically, their clubhouse is called that :D) where they are blind to things happening in and around them. Conversations are tone-deaf and the privilege reeks through in each morsel of chatter that comes out of there. And which is fine, to be honest. I am like that at some level myself (this piece itself is tone-deaf and I have been a judgy bitch). But people here have their heads up their backsides to a point that it’s weird. I remember one of the people here once said that they should get a skywalk made to the mall so that they don’t have to cross the road. And if there was no Metro getting made across the road, they would’ve got it!
Ok, wait. The point is not people here or my inability to relate to conversations of fancy rich people.
The point is, yesterday, I came to B after more than a month and I have to say, I loved it!
The quiet luxury, the abundant personal space, the muted lights of the house, and the “service” of the staff were something that I could get used to! Just that I don’t have the money or resources to do so. Each time I am here, I want to keep coming back to this place (there’s a LOT of pseudo-niceness around) and I want to work harder to belong and create opportunities for myself and others so that my entire village can live here (if not at better places).
So that.
Chalo, over and out.
PS: After I published this, I realised that this reads like a rant and I know better than to publish such things. But then I had written and I didn’t want it to go waste 😀
My thoughts and lessons from American Gangster. These are not in any order and are more reflections than lessons for myself and my team.
I saw American Gangster the other day. The film is on Amazon Prime Video in case someone is interested. Here are the ideas and lessons that I could take away from the film. These are not in any order and are more reflections than lessons for others. And no, this is not a review.
Oh, here’s the trailer…
So here are my lessons. These are not in any order.
A/ The loudest voice in the room is often the weakest.
This is very very common and oft-used. If you are in a conflict, the person that raises their volume first would often be the weakest one. And you can find a way to exploit the weakness.
Oh, please don’t mistake this for the loudest kid getting fed the first.
B/ In business, the basics are often the most important and yet the most ignored
These are trust, loyalty, long-term thinking, brand, honour, partnerships, conduct etc. While these are very very common words and are often thrown around in conversations, you rarely meet people that live by these.
With C4E, I want each person to follow these. Lemme write a line about each.
Trust. If you trust others, and others trust you, the cost and time needed to conduct business are reduced drastically. Even if you lose money, you shouldn’t stop trusting people.
Loyalty. Nothing worth building gets built if you don’t have a set of people loyal to you (or you are loyal to). And loyalty is used very very frivolously but at a deeper level, true loyalty, the kind you can die for, is very very rare. Even though I am not loyal to anyone or anything at that level, I am close. And that is enough!
Oh, and loyalty takes you far. Really far. In the film (and I have seen it in real life with numerous people), Frank had a meteoric rise because he was loyal to Bumpy for 17 years. Over the 17 years, Bumpy taught Frank things he knew and Frank would do things that Bumpy did. I can see this happening in my life as well. I am doing things that Suvi would do, Raj would do, Rajesh Sir would do.
Long-Term Thinking. I have spilt enough pixels on this one.
Partnerships. You need to know what you ought to work on and let the other person do what they are good at. There is no way you can do everything. For 39 years of my life, I thought I could do everything but I got nothing done. In the last two years, I have started to cede control and I have got done an insane amount of work!
Conduct. You may be rich, you may be poor. You may be privileged, you may not be. You may be smart, you may not be. But at no point does your conduct ought to be of an asshole’s. When you are about to lose your shit, it’s ok to take a deep breath. If someone on purpose does things that will fuck your head up, train yourself to not give a fuck. Operate from empathy. Be polite. If you are angry, either you will get killed or you will draw a wedge in between your relationship that will never ever heal.
C/ Your wealth should never be overtly visible.
Not that I am wealthy. Not that I have a lot going for me. But I know that I am now at a place where I am responsible for a tiny contribution to 10 homes. And that means I have this really heavy responsibility on my shoulders. And I need to ensure that I provide for those. And this means that I need to keep finding avenues of making money. And these would be created if the world sees me as a person they like and who can deliver. And often people are not really kind or ambivalent towards people who are flashy, overtly obnoxious, and all that. Plus, I am not the kind to anyway flaunt what I have. Yes, I like to eat at nice places (for service and not for the food), and travel in comfort (stay at star hotels and not motels) but none of that requires me to show off.
I will not hide it per se but I will not make overt claims about easy access and availability of money. And I definitely don’t need Chinchilla coats, Rolex watches, Birkenstock, Tumi, Ray Bans, Mercedes, Prada, et al (btw apart from the first two, I have wanted to buy EACH of the things listed here).
Oh from today on, I am dumping brands. Especially luxury or mass luxury. I will buy comfortable, long-lasting, value-for-money brands like Zudio, Decathlon, Ikea et al. The only exception would be computers and gadgets (these are the things that I use on a day-to-day basis to get things done and work). Actually, anything I need to spend on to make my work better, faster, more effective, easier etc etc, I will put in the money. But that’s that. And anything that I need for health (I recently bought a refrigerator, I will buy comfortable shoes, I will get a meal subscription etc).
So, the low profile may not be a bad idea. And yes, I know there are people that want fame and all that. Good for them. I hope they get it. But low profile it is for me!
D/ Brand
I don’t understand people who don’t understand the power of brands.
In one of the scenes, Frank says something like, I sell a product that’s twice as better than the competition and at half the price as the competition. And he has a distinct brand for the product he sells. At a point, he even gets into a tiff with one of the “distributors” when he fucks with Blue Magic.
If a gangster in America in the 70s could understand the power of the brand name, in the day and age we live in, we better do!
E/ Operating under the influence fucks you up!
One of the key reasons for Frank’s fall is the drug-induced actions of one of the flunkies. He makes a mistake that the cops capitalize on. And then all hell breaks loose. I am all for people needing intoxicants to “let loose” but it’s not for me. I am not much of a drinker anyway and starting today, I will quit whatever social consumption I engage in. Mgo-toto beverage from now on is Sparkling Water.
Oh, I am not trying to preach here. I would love to own a business that has alcohol, intoxicants, and parties at the core. But I would not engage in those. I would not partner with people that enjoy a drink or two. The ones that I am a partner with, I would try to get them to quit. And the ones I enter into new agreements with, I would ensure that they don’t give in.
The point is, like Frank believed, we don’t want to be swayed by the vices when we work.
Yeah, I am your regular uncle next door who likes to preach the importance of virtue. Sue me.
Guess this is it.
Of course, a lot of what they’ve shown in the film is fictionalized and things may not work like that in real life. But then it does not stop us from acquiring lessons. No?
So that!
If you’ve seen the film, lemme know what you think of it. What do you think are the lessons that you may share with people that work?
If you don’t know about this sale you are probably living under a rock. I have been thinking bout getting a second screen for my work (to be able to work faster etc). I bought one. This means that I would have a place where I’d work from which is not a Starbucks. I am not sure how much I’d use it but let’s see if it helps me in my productivity.
B/ Space and Spaced out
I have a couple of friends living with me and I am not liking it at all. And these are friends that I care for and I want to be with. These are the friends who helped me when I needed help when no one else offered help. These are the ones who chose to put my interest ahead of theirs when we were trapped indoors during COVID-19.
Plus, I’ve had people live with me all my life but for a change, this time it’s different. Probably because this house is way too small? too uncomfortable? too claustrophobic? I don’t know.
Plus, I did not know that I was so used to being by myself that I would not like the idea of sharing space with others. I need to work on this!
C/ Events
On Saturday, I managed an event and I realized that I like when I am in control of things. This is not new. Most people are like that. Just that when you run an event, you control what people in the audience experience. It is en masse. I wish I could do more of this.
The thing is, events as a business is back, and all venues, suppliers, and even clients are packed. I could be a player in the competitive business but I think I am done with it. The hard work needed to pull off large format events – I don’t think I am keen on it anymore. I mean it’s the kind of work that will teach you a lot about life and getting things done. I’ve done enough of it and at 41 and change, I don’t want to keep learning. I want to now do. Implement. Make that fucking dent.
D/ Wanting to belong
I think all my life, one of the most important driving forces and motivations has been the need to belong. To sports teams. To college committees. To airport lounges. To business class seats. To exclusive clubs. To clubs and associations. And I don’t know why. Not that what I have is any less. Not that the access I have is limited. But I still want more. No, this is not power. This is not vanity. I actually don’t know what this is. But I want to belong. In fact, I want it so bad that if you want to fuck my mood, tell me that I am not invited. And I would sulk over it for days!
E/ Head Massage
One of my rituals every 2-3 weeks is to get my head shaved, get my beard trimmed, and end the visit to the barber with a head massage. The beard trim is the part I hate the most. Not one barber gets the trim right. Even today Sonu (that was today’s man) fucked it up. The best part was the massage. Sonu did an average job at it but I loved it.
I need to find myself a good masseuse. And I need to use their services often. Will action this in the coming week. Oh, the next few days are full of travel (trips to Pune and Indore. And if all goes ok, to Dubai). If you are around these places, let’s catch up :).
F/ Aaron Levie
After a break of a few days, I went back to the YC SS at Stanford. Today I heard Aaron Levie talk about enterprise. See this.
While I did not comprehend a lot of what he said I don’t know why a business like Box continues to exist despite Google Drive and MS Office. That’s not the point anyway. The point is, I loved his energy. And I realize I am probably like him. I need to just find a way to be a lot more out there and find more people who would want to listen to me. And that means I need to do more work and become valuable enough for people to want to listen to me!
So that!
Ok, this is for the time being. I don’t know what else to write. Guess this is it for the time being. Over and out.
Thinking-out-loud about how I spent the last 15 days, what it taught me about myself and what I could do from here on.
I was on a break of sorts (more on this “break”) in a bit for about 15 days in Sep. I was in Manila with M&m and here are my thoughts and reflections from the trip.
A/ I plan large and do less.
When I was going to Manila, I told myself that in the 15 days, I am there, I would learn swimming, do 10000 steps every day, do OMAD, try to do yoga, learn webflow, finish startup school lectures, write (book / blog / script).
These were simple things, to be honest, considering I had nothing else to do.
And out of these few things, I did ZERO!
Even though I made a tracker and tried to hold myself accountable, I could not. Here’s a screenshot from the tracker…
Heck, I did not even follow the tracker!
I need to fix this and I dont know how to. Thing is, if someone asked me to stop doing something, I could easy. I recently came off a 4-month break from coffee. I haven’t had coke in over 4 months. I can easily do OMAD. But I can’t seem to start doing new things.
Any one knows any secrets? That can help me get more willpower? Or help me not suck at being consistent? Should I get myself an accountability coach?
B/ I suck at consistency.
I realise I suck at being consistent.
I am more like a sprinter who can work in high-energy spurts and do incredible things. But I can’t do marathons, even if I am to move just a few inches everyday. I even wrote about it while I was in Manila.
I would’ve been fine if I had an infinite life. But I don’t. And everything in life is a result of consistent effort over a long time. You know, compounding. The 8th wonder of the world. Work, relationships, wealth, health, reputation, impact, opportunities – every damn thing needs time and they only grow if you are consistent.
While I have remained consistent and have grown on my personal values, I think I have a tough time staying consistent with things. If I have to do more with my life, I need to be uber-consistent. And I don’t know how to go about it 😐
C/ Home.
V’s home is probably the only place apart from my parents where I feel at home. Apart from his, I am not at comfort at all even at the homes of other people that I can die for (SG19Jan etc.).
While I was there, I was part of the daily humdrum of the life of a happy, closely-knit family. Even though I am not a part of their family and not related by blood, the 5 of them accepted me like their own. Not for a minute I felt like an intruder or a stranger. And if you know me, this is a rarity – not because people make you feel like an outsider but I need a lot of time before I get used to surroundings and people. And I have this incredibly BIG need for my personal space. Leave alone my bed, I can’t stand someone living in the same house as me. For a few months, I had a domestic help living in with me and each cell my body revolted at the thought (not because he was domestic help, the revolt would’ve been if it were even my significant other – I know I am broken).
Ok, I am rambling. This is not the point. It’s accepted that V’s home is mine.
The point is, when I was coming back (in the flight), I did not know that I would crave for a home like his. I have been a nomad for a long time now and I never imagined that I’d like to “settle down” and get used to a familial bliss.
No, I am not saying that I want a family and a home but I was craving. I am merely capturing this feeling.
So that.
The other thing within this home variable is the India and non-India conundrum. For me, India has been home (and within India, I have lived in a few cities) and lately, I have been thinking about getting out of India.
Yes, yes, YES, YYEESS I know that it’s India’s century and there’s immense growth and all that here. I know that reverse brain drain is real and people are moving back to India. I know we are growing as a nation. And yet I know that I don’t want to be here in the near future. I may come back to die here but I am very sure that I don’t want to be here in the near future. This I have no doubt on. Even if my business, connections, ideas, and even the family is here.
I dont have a rational reason to get out of here. Like all humans, I have a rationalising creature and I can give a 1000 rationalising reasons why I want to be out of here. And none of them will make sense, now that the decision is made in my head.
So, I have been thinking about where I could go. I would have said the US at the drop of a hat a few years ago. Now, Dubai or Singapore look like better options. Even Bangkok.
Of course I am assuming I’d be able to move to these places. I am definitely not getting a naukri at these places – I am unemployable. I will have to create something and going by my track record, I think it will be tough. But then, if life doesnt throw tough challenges at you and you are unable to take those head on, why are you even alive! So, more than anything else, this is a problem to be solved and I need to put my head together to find a way (you know, either I will find a way or make one). And I shall. Just need to find time to do so. Lol!
Thankfully, apart from this being a rational problem staring me in the face, the good part is that I don’t have a home per se (apart from my parents and now, Vs) that holds me back. Plus I am not sure if I want to build one (I do want to buy houses and all that but I don’t want a home). In fact, instead of a home, I’d love to build a few versions of a Village or a Base across the world. So essentially, I’d have a “home” even when I am on the road and travelling. So that.
So, one of the things that I need to tackle over the next few days is to figure out where I’d spend a lot of my time in the near future. And of course, there are more life decisions to be taken. Lemme talk about those.
D/ Life Decisions.
Now that I have reached an uncle stage (40+), I want to make a few large decisions. The kind of people I hang out with, the kind of people I partner with, the kind of things I work on, the kinds of goals I chase, the kind of things I tolerate. And so on and so forth.
And if this means I need to cut some ties, I will. If this means I need to take a few harsh calls, I will. Even if it hurts. I often remind myself of Prof Jordan Peterson’s sermon on going thru pain of seeing your loved ones suffer. In my case, the loved one are people (more on echochamber) and inanimate objects (businesses, ideas etc).
I’d take each decision from the lens of reaching my goals and fulfilling my ambitions.
The biggest variable will be how I get to spend my time. Do I feel engaged? Do I feel respected? Am I doing something meaningful? Am I doing new things? Am I getting closer to my life goals? Am I making the world a better place, even if in an insignificant manner?
While most of these are intangible, you often can spot patterns. Case in point? I recently completed a year of self-reviews for C4E. I was reading some of the older posts and I realised that while we as a team have remained the same (still on the edge, still a bad month away from ruin, still scrounging around to make ends meet), the kind of challenges we are working on have become larger! So, there’s growth.
Growth! That’s a variable I need for sure. I want to take on larger challenges and not do the same thing over and over again.
Another variable would be people. Am I with the ones that are genuinely invested in my success? Am I spending time with people that I want to help go beyond? Can we create things together? Can we live together? At a village / base!
Oh, a large variable would be the ability to move around and travel. I mean at Manila, I loved being in a new place, in a new bubble, amidst a new place. I LOVED being on the road. I loved the unpredictability that I had to wade through. I hated (and loved) that there’s no easy wifi there. I was so immersed that I hardly clicked any pics (here are some that I did click).
Living as a local for a few days at Manila, I was reminded of the times when Kila and I would stroll around aimlessly in some random gully in a random city in a random country. And while we did not have the money to buy things or chase experiences or pay for admission or eat the fancy things on display, we did soak in as much as we could and made plans of taking over the world. Oh, our naivety! And come to think of it, we dont even talk to each other these days. Wait, I am digressing again.
So at Manila, like most of my trips abroad (and at new places), I did not go to even one touristy place, even though there are quite a few around. Please don’t ask me why and please do not ask me for recommendations – I was on a trip to discover myself and reflect on things.
One of the most important epiphanies was that as I grow older and the time I am left with is shorter, I want to get back to a life where I am on the road all the time. To be honest, in the absence of a home or any tethers, at this point, the only thing stopping me from doing that is a freelance gig with a social media agency in Mumbai (where I need to show in person often). All other clients, work can be managed remotely (apart from meeting people). At this point, I can’t quit that (cos money) but now that I have decided that I will cut a few businesses (see the photo below; found it on insta), I will hopefully be able to in near future. Let’s see when.
Oh, I am hoping to start a couple of additional things (an ad-film production thing and something with C and AK) that may keep me anchored to Mumbai. But I will ensure that I retain my freedom to be on the road. Or the freedom to take a flight at a whim.
Brings me to the next point. The fear of flying.
E/ Fear of flying.
I would have taken 500 flights in my life. If not a thousand.
No, I am not exaggerating. This year alone, I have taken 23 flights and if I were to assume that I take 30 on average in a year, simple math puts the number at 450 (I took my first flight in 2005 or so (DEL to BLR) and there were years when I took about 80 flights!).
And apart from a few bumpy ones where I was scared to death, most have been very eventless.
However, lately, each time I take a plane, I am scared. Not of the bumps. Not of the cramped seats where I’d be confined for hours. But of all that I have at stake. In case I dont make it on the other side, I would leave so so so many windows open.
At 41, the best part of my life is just getting started. I have started to pay back my loan. I have a fabulous team that I love and I want to take care of and taken care of by. There’s some meaning in the work that we do. I have started to get access to larger and grander things and I seem to have reached the first steps of a ladder to sky and what I’ve worked for all my life (impact at scale) seems to be reachable (I am still decades away from this but I now know this will happen!). So, things like planes, heath, fate, randomness and vagaries of life are, well, unpredictable and thus the fear.
I don’t know a solution to this.
Planes are necessary evils, especially for someone like me who HAS to travel at each opportunity. I shall shrug and get on with it! And this month alone I will take at least 3 more flights (if not 5) – all for work. Just that with these domestic flights, I’d get bored. On the flights to Manila, I saw like three films. Lemme talk about those as the next part.
F/ Films.
Even though I want to play a large role in the films business, I have trained myself to not follow popular content on streaming platforms. I rarely see a film. And I feel I’d rather create than consume. I know, you’d say how can you create without knowing. That’s a different debate for a different day.
Today I want to talk about the three films I saw on the long flight back home.
ONE/ Surrounded (2023).
Before I talk about this film, I want to put on record that I will be surprised if this film does not win a lot of awards. Actually, it may not. I don’t understand this business even though I want to be a player in it.
This film is EXACTLY the kind of film that I’d like to make. Exactly the kind of story I would have liked to write. An underdog. Facing adversity. Despite all odds, trusting her instincts at each fork.
I am not the understand the direction or acting but I was riveted to the screen the whole time the film played. Do see it, if you get an opportunity.
TWO/ Covenant (2023).
The best of this film was non-stop, mindless action. And just when you think the film is over, it starts a new arc! Loved the writing. Loved the pace. Loved everything. In fact, I took home a couple of things from it.
a, there is this dialogue that goes something like, “you seem like a guy that pays his debts.”
I want to be the person that pays his debts. And I want to be around people that pay their debts. This will become a very important metric in life.
b, Ahmed. I can write a book about him but I will spare the torture. I want to be an Ahmed to people. I think I am to quite a few. And I need an Ahmed in life. I have Paras that comes close. Probably. I may have a C. A KP. But I don’t think I have an Ahmed. And I need one.
What’s an Ahmed, you may ask me. Well, go watch the film.
THREE/ No Sudden Move (2021)
This one was a very very interesting story. Till the film ended I was left guessing what was even happening! It all looked like a random pulp-fiction-esque narrative (I could be wrong here – you know my relationship with cinema!)
So yea. All three were good. I can recommend all three. If you asked me to pick one, I can’t pick one. Go figure.
G/ M.
I typically dont talk about her in public places and if I do, never in detail. Today I will. At least try to. So while I was with her, I realised that she’s no longer a lump of pink flesh. She’s a human, growing fast and as a pre-teen she has her quirks and whims and likes and all that. And as a part-time parent from far to her, I realise that I am so unequipped to handle. I dont know how V and S manage two smart kids.
As she’s growing, she is finding new things to occupy herself. Her world is expanding fast beyond the pink room full of books and soft toys and all that. I sort of caught her picking hats and sunglasses and accessories at high-street fashion stores. She wrote an essay on why you can’t have monkeys as pets and it had the story arc and all that! She likes to use the iPhone to click photos and she’s damn good at it for her age. Here’s a few unfiltered, unedited pics that she clicked.
She’s growing as a human and I dont think I am ready for a world where she will operate like a mini-adult. She’s the most precious thing to me and while I have been trying very very very hard to make this world a better place, I am scared.
Okay, this is too much revealing. Moving on.
H/ Heat / AC / Etc.
Manila was HOT. Not warm. But HOT. Like RED HOT. And I can’t function when it’s hot. And I realised that while I was in Manila. So, I need to be at a place where AC is an acceptable tool!
Funnily, when I came back to India, the house that I live in, the ACs were not working. And I was like, I ran away from Manila cos of the garmi and here I am, at home, no ACs!
So that. Nothing more.
And I think this is it for the time being. The post is now 3000 words and the length of this post will make AK jealous, my job here is done. Took me three days to write but I am glad how it has come out.
Over and out.
PS: No, I did not talk about Manila at all. Of course, I spent 15 days and I had a lot of fun (and I suffered through a lot of garmi as well) but I can NOT talk about touristy, leisurely things that people do! In case you are looking for things to do there, PLEASE run a search 🙂
Today’s one of those days that I haven’t had in a long time. And I shouldn’t be. I mean I am in a different country, on a leisure trip, visiting a friend (and his daughter, aka heir to my assets), sitting at a comfortable cafe, sipping onto a 300 Peso iced-tea (terrible TBH), away from all the rigmarole of life in Mumbai. And yet I have had a terrible terrible day. There’s nothing that has changed from yesterday. I woke up without an alarm. I had a healthy-ish breakfast of dry fruits, an apple, and some more fruits. I walked to the cafe that I work out of. Saw Lecture 9. Got a few things done. Went back home. Ate home-cooked delicious food. Slept after that. Back at the cafe. So, in theory, all’s ok.
Maybe it’s the aftermath of old age. I turned 41 and I don’t think I’ve done even 4 things to justify my existence. Maybe it’s my general need to be by myself (while I have taken enough time for myself on this trip, I had planned for 100% seclusion and I was unable to). Maybe it’s my ability to do things that I had wanted to do on this “break” – eat better, swim, walk, write, learn, etc.
Whatever. I am not feeling it today. And I dont know how to fix it. If I were in Mumbai, I would have ordered some random food – dal, Maggi, samosa-pao, or whatever and then would’ve slept while seeing FIR or Taarak Mehta. I know none of these is healthy for me but I would’ve. I can still do all these but remember, I am trying to be better?
So that.
Anyhow. Lemme write some random updates. In no order.
1/ AGI is here and I am still trying to make ends meet. I think this could be the root of all my problems. That I don’t have access to great things happening in the world around me. I am merely sitting by the side of the road while the world solves engineering, intellectual, scientific, philosophical, and all such problems.
2/ A new challenge. I will start it on Oct 1. I will work towards doing 100 push-ups per day. I will start on Oct 1. I will do as many push-ups as I can. And then each day I will do one more push-up than the previous day. Some days I will not be able to add that last straw on the camel’s back. And that’s ok. But I will add one more push-up. Till I reach a point when I can do 100 push-ups. This would easily take me more than 100 days but I shall try.
3/ I’ve been tripping onto this song since I first heard it. I would’ve heard this a hundred times already, if not more.
4/ I have been away from social media and it’s not bad. I mean I’ve been checking Twitter, Instagram, and LinkedIn but I have not engaged with anyone or seen what people tag me for. I am merely using that to distract myself.
And I think I can continue to be that. Just that I need it for work. So maybe I will make new accounts where I only talk shop and delete all personal ones? Or do people want authenticity? I am not sure. Let’s see where the vibes would take me.
Ok, what else to write? Not sure. I can pick this up tomorrow morning and write again. But I don’t want to wait till tomorrow to publish. Maybe I’ll write a continuation post to this post tomorrow if I am up to it.
Whatever it is. Time shall tell. For the time being, time to shut this and go to sleep. Over and out.
Truth be told, I am very very particular about how I spend my time. With less and less time available to me here, I would become even more particular about how I spend my time. If I can, I would outsource, delegate, or defer things that I think do not deserve my time.
I would spend most of my time with people who love me (parents, M&m, friends, etc.), people who helped me when I needed help (way too many to list here), people who I work with (in my case a lot of people I work with are the people that love me and vice versa). In that order.
And then if there’s time left, I would think of other things.
2/ Make fitness my #2 priority after time.
This has been a goal since I can remember. And I have failed at it consistently. I recently weighed myself. I am 93 KGs (even though I am 35 inches around my waist). I think my body is dense (which is a good thing) but I need to find a way to get healthier. I do not want to wither away. I do not want to be a vegetable. I definitely do not want to be a burden. So that.
I know I have been gloriously lazy about this. I know I can’t work out (hernia and ankles and extended tailbone and all that) but I can definitely do yoga. I need to find some classes. I don’t think I have the motivation to do it at home with a remote teacher. Now that I “live” in Andheri West, I am sure I can find something that I can walk to. And since I can choose how I spend my time (see #1), I should be able to get that going. This is to happen from 2nd Oct (once am back in India). And then once I get regular at it, I will try to learn swimming (will have to quit Yoga to move to a place that has a pool (Wadhwa)).
While I do this, I will fix my food. I don’t have an option to cook but I know I can spend money to find a way to eat better. Oh, and 8 hour sleep.
3/ Become high-agency.
This one is simple. This thread explains what’s high-agency. Do read this. I read this often. I read it again while writing this piece.
1/ HIGH AGENCY
Once you SEE it – you can never UNSEE it.
Arguedbly the most important personality trait you can foster.
I've thought about this concept every week for the last two years since I heard @EricRWeinstein discuss it on @tferriss' podcast.
I would go higher, and become even more high-agency. Till the time I am the man on a mission and trying to close as many things as I can.
3.1/ I will become a closer. I realize that I am not one. I am at best a thrower of multiple darts, hoping one would hit the bull’s eye. I would create a deliberate life. For myself and the ones around me.
4/ I will travel as much as I can.
I have come to realize that I miss travel. I would thus not leave any opportunity to hop onto a plane, a train, or a car.
No bus. Lol.
5/ I will identify a thing that could become my life’s mission.
At this point in time, SoG looks like it.
I will spend a large chunk of time on making it substantial and larger than me or any one individual. Read this and this. I am sure I’ve written more about this in more places as well. Will compile those.
6/ I will close all windows before I sleep. Each day.
See this for context. This means I will return all phone calls, overcommunicate, and close loops on each open thing. I would also endeavor to respond to emails within 24 hours. If not action, I will make the other side aware of the action. The world runs on tacit agreements, assumptions, social norms, and expected conduct from people at large. I would become the torchbearer of great behavior when it comes to being prompt.
I have been fiddling with a guitar and a uke for a while. I have been tinkering with Webflow for the last few days. While I worked on webflow, I realised that I am my joyous best when I am learning new things. Webflow is the right thing for someone like me – not very tough, not very easy, doesnt require any foundational knowledge to build on top of, its simple HTML and CSS on steriods (something that I am aware of already). So that.
So, yeah! That’s about it. Over and out. Time to get serious about time.
Gratitude, SG
PS: I wanted this list to have 41 bullet points. You know, 41 for 41. Just like I made 40 things for the 40s. But then I couldn’t think of more. If you know me and you think you want to help me become better, please do recommend more things that I could do with whatever time I have left here. And no, I have not forgotten those 40 things that I need to do in the next 9 years.
PPS: Of course, I have come to accept that I may not be as big a deal as I had imagined I would be when I was a child. And I know that I would probably never be like Steve or Paul or any of those people (see this TED talk). But I know that I can be like a Drona. I wrote about this this week only. Maybe I need to take one more shot before I hang my boots?
PPPS: I just uploaded my will. Do make one for yourself. It’s a very sobering and humbling exercise!
If you need to build a deliberate life, you need to know which of the two (consistency or intensity) drives you. I try and find out about myself.
When you run, you can do it in two different ways. Both may seem similar but they differ widely. These are Marathons and Sprints.
Of course, both need passion, training, instinct, and superhuman effort. And while the things you need in the two (the technique and the methods and the skills and all that) may differ from each other, both demand you to put in the hours and the practice.
To illustrate the two, I will lean onto the two GOATS of running – Kipchoge and Bolt – to make a great example. Both of them need teams – probably more so in Kipchoge’s case (pacers etc.) – but they are individual personification of achievement of a team.
Marathons
The man who has become synonymous with marathons is Kipchoge. While each of his achievements needs a tome of its own, the most incredible feat is his sub-2-hour marathon.
Marathons need tiny steps and consistent progress over a very very long period of space and time. And because it’s repetitive work over and over again, these get boring.
The keywords are consistent, drudgery, long-term, and boring. And in one word, marathons require consistency.
Sprints
The GOAT of sprints is Usain Bolt. If you want an idea of his greatness, see this.
Unlike a marathon, a sprint needs a burst of energy that you typically expect from a rocket ship. It starts with a big bang, requires you to give all you’ve got, and you have to last till you tide over the finish line. In the case of a rocket, the momentum takes it ahead. In the case of a runner, they end their sprint after a few hundred meters. You blink and you may miss it. It exhilarates the runner (and the audience) and is over before you know it.
The keywords are fast, energetic, and exhilarating. In one word, sprints require intensity.
So, why talk of Marathons and Sprints?
Well, in life and in work, you can operate as a marathoner or a sprinter.
You could build the marathon muscle that will help you work for at least the next 10 years – you know, perseverance, patience, long-term thinking, politeness, relationships, delayed gratification, tiny successes, and all that.
Or you could develop the sprint ability to live each day like it’s your last. Things like high-risk-taking ability, love for games of odds, acceptance of impending doom in the wake of failure, a tinge of irrationality, and all that.
Most people I know of who’ve been able to build a great life for themselves and others around them have been marathoners kinds. Yes, there are a few who’ve taken the fast road to riches but then they are few and far between.
And if you are like me (an ordinary person with average chances), your odds of success would become far far better. I mean look at me. I’ve been on it since at least 2014 now. So 10 years. And I still don’t know where I’d end up.
However, like most advice on the internet, there is no one size fits all. While the idea of being a marathoner is true in general, there are two exceptions.
A/ Are you driven by (and built for) intensity? Or consistency? There is no easy way to find this out. Look at what you’ve enjoyed in the past – Short bursts of focused work or long spells of meandering? Ability to obsess deeply over a problem for a long time or quick fix solutions that are fast and easy? The ambition of making an impact over a large parcel of humanity or living the life of a free person on a beach?
B/ Does the work you do need intensity or consistency? For example, if you are in the business of films, you could give one superhit and then do nothing. And come back after a few years. In your lifetime you would probably make 20 films. No, I do not mean you would not work on your craft while you are not making films. It means that you will immerse yourself in a piece of work and forget about everything else. Any “project” business would require intensity – you know, website design, art, books etc.
On the other hand, if your work is to operate a cinema hall, you need to open the hall every day and sweep it and place the new films and sell tickets and all that. The only way to make it big there is to continue working for years and scale the cinema hall into a chain of screens.
These two questions would help you figure out where you want to be and how you want to live. And once you know what you are suited for, I think creating a deliberate life around that should not be tough.
No?
PS: This is not one of my best posts. But I had to post.
PPS: While I was writing this, I realized that I need to find work that allows me to get into medium-term sprints (say 6 months) and then allows me to switch off for the next 6 months. I think it boils down to consistency. Look at Ankit – mad respect for his consistency. I don’t even deserve to mention his and my names in the same sentence!
Of course, I don’t have it in me to be consistent but I can be patient AF. And maybe that could be a place where I could live at? You know, regular sprints for a long time!
I talk about Arjuna and Drona and I talk about how I need to tame my wants of being one and train myself to be another.
You know of Arjuna. And Drona too. Probably the most famous guru-disciple pair in the world. The two were made for each other. The guru would not yeild. The disciple would not give up. The guru wanted nothing but complete submission and dedication. The disciple couldnt see anything but the eye of the bird. The guru wanted nothing but respcet. The disciple captured the kingdom of Drupada to salvage the guru’s respect.
Like most characters from the Mahabharata, both Arjuna and Drona have multiple personalities, are often open to interpretation and deeply flawed.
Look at Arjuna, arguably the greatest warrior of his time. On one side he’s a good son, an obedient brother, and a doting father. And on the other he’s taken shortcuts, partidipated in killing of his clan (even if it was for the greater good (what even is greater good?), including his very guru) and stayed silient when Draupadi had to go through the humiliation.
Drona had his share of flaws as well. The most famous is the episode with Eklavya. As a guru, you ought to be impartial and yet for Arjuna, Drona asked for Eklavya’s thumb. Some versions of Mahabharata claim that Drona did not like anyone but his own son and all that happened (Arjuna coming on top et al) was an accident.
I’d never know the truth but I do know that Arjuna was indeed a great warrior and Drona, a great guru.
And this is what my post for the day is about. Arjuna and Drona.
Lemme shift topics.
The thing is, each person here belives they are special and they deserve the best and they will conquer the world and live a life of riches. Even the most average people consider themselves special (hello Dunning Kruger). In modern parenting, we hard-code into our kids that they are special. They may very well be. But then by definition, there can only be one Sachin, one Ranveer, one Shohei, one Serena, one Arujna, one conquerer of worlds, who’s kirti traverses the tribhvuan.
I was no different. I have lived all my life believing that I am special. But as I turn 41, I realise that I may not be as special. If I am, I dont see it. I mean I live the most ordinary life for a 41-year-old. Heck, its not even ordinary. I am in deep debt, I dont have a family of my own (I belong to my parent’s family), I dont know what am supposed to do in life (this post is an attempt to find an answer) and I dont have a path that if I walked on for a few more years would take me to salvation. Whatever salvation is. I mean I dont know what Arjuna did after the war was over. Such a waste of talent to have won the war and then nothing from there on. I get it that he was like a warrior in the garden and his mere presence kept peace in the region.
I was digressing. The point is, each person lives their lives assuming they are special and they prepare for, they wait for greatness. All their lives are spent working towards that moment of truth when the greatness would be unveiled. And there are many – from each child in India preparing for a shot at cricket glory to each person in the bylanes of Aram Nagar acting and dancing hoping to make it big on the silverscreen to each student at engineering colleges across the country wanting to do a startup that would become a unicorn eventually to more such places where the odds of wild success are tiny and rewards for even mild success are grand.
Like I said, I am no different. At least from the time I realised I was a good coder at at obscure college in Delhi university, I have believed that I am special. I am sure I would’ve felt great even before that (thanks to my genes and me going to nondescript schools and all). And I have lived as if I am a big deal and I’ve never sweat on the small stuff. And I think it has served me well. I have taken the tougher road and I have even had to beg, borrow and steal to be able to survive. All in the hopes that some day it will all make sense and the end would justify the means.
But lately I am having second thoughts about things. May be this is what mid-life crisis is all about (here are my other pieces about this). You see your friends and acquaintances and everyone else doing well and you start to compare and you dont know what to do. And since I know that time and life is a one-way street, I know I can’t do much about my failures as a talent.
But what I can do for sure is, become a Drona. To potential Arjunas. You know, something like Richard to Serena and Venus (see this), Mahavir to Geeta and Babita (see this), Ramkant to Sachin, Maggie to Roger and JP (see this). Yeah, yeah I am inspired a lot by films. No wonder, filmmaking is a not-so-secret desire.
Of course the skills and talent I need to be able to be a Drona and do this vary widely from what I have prepared all my life for. And that’s a journey I need to go on. I dont know what is that path. I dont know how to prepare for it. I dont know what I need to undo in my personality. I just know that I have to do it. I owe this much to me. And to universe that has made me who I am.
While I do this, I need to be careful. I need to not become Vikramaditya. I need to try and not fall (this is probably going to be the most difficult thing ever). I need to get over with the guilt of being yet another in the long queue of “those who can, do; those who can’t teach”. And I know I will never be the person in arena and thus I need to build empathy.
Lemme take a break reproduce the text about the arena – this is a very powerful piece and you better read.
It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat. Shame on the man of cultivated taste who lets refinement to develop in to fastidiousness that unfits him for doing the rough work of a work day world.
Theodore Roosevelt
So that.
I need to accept my failure to be the Arjuna and pivot to being a Drona. And I need to become better at being a teacher, a mentor and someone that young ones entrust. I need to learn how to detach. I need to be able to be a better Drona and not get attached to the people I work with. I can not live vicariously. I can not create these young ones into what I couldnt become.
And most importantly, I need to find young ones that are willing to be my guinea pigs and submit their lives to me.
A life lesson, some ways to be a better child and discovering freedom.
TW: Talks of life, death, aging parents, and all that.
On my last trip to Delhi, I met a senior from MDI (let’s call him A) and we got talking about aging parents, time, regrets, closure, and all that.
He and I faced the same dilemma – on one side both of us wanted to be good children to our respective parents who are aging fast; and on the other, both of us wanted to chase our respective bliss (family and career in his case; more travels, money, and dreams in mine). And both of us wanted both things at the same time.
A simple solution could have been to co-live with parents – like families in India have lived for centuries. But the vagaries of modern life, the stubbornness of old age, and the enthusiasm of infinite ambition make it tough.
I mean, at least in my case, I can NOT live in the same city and thus not in the same house as my parents. My work, my life, and my ambitions are in Mumbai (and inshallah, at some point in the near future, out of India). My parent’s whole life is concentrated around a 500-m road, a park, an army of domestic helps that they manage, and neighbors they’ve lived with for more than 35 years now. The only time they leave this geofence is to visit doctors. They go on travels once or twice a year, for about two days, and are content with that.
A’s parents are home-bound as well and they live in a small town about 150 KMs away from him. One of his parents is bedridden and needs 24-hour assistance. His parents also are geofenced to their neighborhood and the townsfolk that they lived with all their lives. ce In my case, this distance is about 1400 KMs. A’s work requires him to be in a city and the parents can’t leave their row house and the familiarity of the town to move, even if they want to be with their kids.
When I met him, he was exasperated at the prospect of staying away. I had a more morose emotion. I was disappointed, sad, and full of guilt that I was not being a good son. I mean I want my parents to be with me. And I want them to be comfortable. At the place I am in in my life, I don’t have enough to get them even a room of their own in Mumbai. Plus I will move out of India soon (I don’t know how to do this with my aging parents needing constant medical supervision). At these times, I think that I should’ve done a Naukri long ago and with time I would have made enough to have a house that my parents would have converted into a home.
Anyhow. Rant.
Coming back.
In that conversation A made a very pertinent point. I don’t recall the exact words he used but here is my articulation of that. He said that we need to be mindful ALL THE TIME that EACH interaction with our parents could be the last one.
When I first heard this, something snapped in me. While I can see my parents growing old and fading, the reality of them not being around me never occurred to me. I know it’s inevitable and I am a hyper-realist, I should’ve thought of it and planned for it. It reminded me of this post by Tim Urban about the time of life. I had read it a few years ago but the chat with A reminded me of it all over again.
So, A further said that since life is so unpredictable and so fragile, you never know what will hit you when, and often you may be left with things unspoken, unsaid, unexpressed. He then said that each time you speak with your folks, you need to get closure on each conversation, however small, tiny, or insignificant it may be.
Again this closure thought had never occurred to me. Like all things in life, I assumed that it was an ongoing relationship that would stretch to infinity. No, I am not dumb and I am aware of the shortness of life (and the importance of the sense of urgency) but it never dawned on me to get closure on simple conversations. Reminds me of my thing with “closing windows” when I sleep. Reminds me of the frailty of human thought and emotion in the wake of uncertainty.
In fact, most relationships go sour when this closure is absent from them. It could be as simple as saying sorry for the time you snapped. Or could be as large as being at the bedside when someone passes away. Even when someone is leaving the city, the action of dropping at the airport and checking in once they have reached is a closure of that “transaction”. I have famously shied away from these. To the point that I find excuses to not be around when someone has to go. I can’t say goodbyes, even when I know that they are going to a better place. And of course, there have been times when I was denied the opportunity to say goodbye. It still inches often. I regret that I could not. For example, when Poo left, I wanted to hug her tight at the airport but I couldn’t do that. Fucking Samaaj and all that. Not just with friends like Poo, each romantic relationship I’ve had since the beginning of time, I have not got closure. And at least in two of those, I did not offer closure. With my conscious as my only alibi, I know that I tried in both cases but I could not. I needed to try harder. Now, it’s going to be too little too late. I mean how do you tell someone you loved with all your head and heart that the neverending, forever love couldn’t stand the test of time and withered away? How do you tell someone you shared a room, a house with that you don’t feel as special about them as you did once upon a time? How do you tell them that you don’t feel loved when you are around them?
Anyhow. Rant. Again. Arrghh. Need to be better. Coming back. To A and our conundrum.
So, in an ideal scenario, both A and I wanted to be able to chase our bliss while keeping our families together (in A’s case he’s got a wife and two kids and then A’s wife’s parents and all that). If the two things (bliss and family) could intersect and coexist, nothing like it. But they clearly aren’t.
So there are a few options that we seem to have…
A/ Give up on bliss and go family first A decision that millions of people make every day. And there’s nothing wrong with it.
Come to think of it, at the end of the day, all of us are dead and life has no meaning per se. We are all just space dust floating around without a destination or a reason. Don’t want to get started on the raison d’etre narrative. Will take another million words.
B/ Find a way to chase bliss while you are near them. So, in my case, rather than being in Mumbai (or out of India), build a life in Gurgaon / NOIDA, etc.
This seems plausible but I am not sure if I want to do this. I don’t like the weather (winters I love but am not okay with heat). I don’t like the lack of professionalism. I don’t have the flexibility or the freedom that Mumbai offers me.
Wait. I think all my decisions in life boil down to this one trait – freedom. I don’t know why though. As a child or a young adult, I have always had the freedom to do more and thus I don’t understand what demon am I running away from. Or what goal am I chasing. I mean, in each thing I do, I seek freedom – not wearing shoes, not submitting to a calendar, not conforming to a dress code, not sitting on the window seat in a plane (cos I want to escape from the aisle fast), not wanting to not drive while I am not in a car. I can list a thousand quirks that make me and I am sure I can trace all those back to my want of freedom.
C/ Accept the inability to be a good son and drop that and chase bliss. Even if I am unsuccessful at it.
I mean I am 40 41 and I still need to scrounge around to make ends meet). Thanks to the people that work with me, I am able to earn some money but if I look at my life and my work independently, I think I can do more. LOT more. I was destined to change the world. Right now, I am having trouble changing the wifi network on my phone.
No, I do not write this from a negative lens or from a place of self-pity. Neither do I expect any slack from anyone. I am very very grateful for my life and how I’ve been lucky. I mean I write this on an expensive laptop tethered to an expensive phone that has two high-speed internet connections, sitting at a premium cafe in probably the most expensive neighborhood in a country that is not home. And I am here for no reason. How many people have this? Few! So, I am ok.
Just that I am aware of the gap between my potential and my reality. And the opportunity that fate has given me. If I don’t bridge this, it would be unfair. Of course, life itself isn’t fair but we all try. No?
The only open window would be that in chase of grandeur, I would have neglected my parents. And that’s not a good thing.
D/ Find a compromise. What I am doing right now is a compromise. I travel to Delhi as much as I can. And I continue to try and build a life that I like. I am not doing any of these things well but at least I am trying and doing as much as I can.
Like most things in like, you become a reflection of what you tried and what you left behind.
That!
No. I am not clear on which of the four paths I need to take. When I wrote this, I was leaning towards B and C. When I read this again before publishing, I thought D was the best. So, I don’t know. Let’s see what I end up doing. Stay tuned to find out what I did ;P
Lol.
Okay, this became a long rant. If you’ve made it till here and you want one takeaway from this 2000-word piece, let it be this – our lives are fragile, and unpredictable and we need to aim for closure in each interaction we have, especially with our loved ones.
