Author: Saurabh Garg

A secret. A confession. And a solution.

A longish note after a few hard days at work.

TW: I talk about dark days of my life as an entrepreneur. I talk about things that may be construed as triggering, depressing and of mental health challenges. PLEAES PLEASE PLEASE do not read if these things affect you.

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Here’s a secret.
If you want to derail me and my life, all you need to do is talk to me in an impolite, rude or condescending tone. 

Let’s park this. I will come back to this.

Now, another secret.
More like a confession really.
The last few days at work haven’t been the best. Dont think people who work with me or know me apart from work would’ve spotted it. Or may be they would’ve. I don’t know. The point is, all I do is work. My life starts and ends with work. I wake up, work, eat, work, nowadays try to catch the sunset (see this reel that I posted today), work, sleep and repeat. 

What I do may not be meaningful in the grand scheme of things but it gives meaning to my life. It probably helps anchor the lives of a few other people as well (but I am not sure). So when I don’t have great days, it affects me and my raison d être and I don’t know what to do about it. Most people have a family to go back to. I have a Rubik’s Cube. That too I crammed the solution to and I have since forgotten. So, all I end up doing is closeting my emotions on my echochamber (on my Roam) or writing cryptic posts on my blog (or twitter) or eating crap (Dal Makhani mmmm).

This time, today, I choose to do none of these. I am going to put it out. On my blog. Here. After all, I chose to live in public and live more authentic this year. 

So that.

Now, why’s that I haven’t had great days at work? 
Simple. Go back to the line I opened this piece with. 
“…talk to me in an impolite, rude or condescending tone.”

In the last week, almost EACH of my clients has spoken to me (or my team) in a tone that’s not the best or polite. And today yesterday, a friend who’s also a client spoke to me like never before. That was probably the last straw that made me think this much and all.

Of course, he can’t be wrong, he’s almost never wrong. He knows more than me and all that. And as a result, things in my head have spiralled down an abyss. You know, like Alice fell down that Rabbit hole?

And I know that I am not bouncing back to my A game anytime soon. I take time. Of course, I will fake it and the world will continue to see me functioning as I do on other days – reliable, high-functioning, in a hurry, high on energy, dreamy-eyed, lost and other such things. As I write this, its 8:30 AM, I am at a Starbucks 20 KMs away from home, sitting on a table facing the wall with my back as straight as I can stretch to. Someone looking at me would see a old man going at it!

To be able to find my groove, I would need to find peace over the next few days. Not inner. Am ok on that front. But the outer one. Like you know, get my space. Since the last relationship went sour, I’ve become this loner who likes to have his space and his freedom.

So, I don’t know how I’d find my outer peace.

I would also want to get a closure on the reason for this. I mean would could’ve gone so wrong at so many places that we have so much trass from all sides? I am unable to understand why do these people, all from different industries, and different parts of the country chose to speak with us like that. Nothing is broken at any of these clients. We may not deliver award-winning work but we are reliable as fuck. Plus, we at C4E work really hard to ensure that we deliver more value than what we promise, often at our cost. You know, underpromise and overdeliver. To each of my clients.

And this has been hardwired in the heads and hearts of each person that agrees to work with C4E. That we would overdeliver come what may. Money is never important. We could lose money on projects (I’ve often done that). I would beg, borrow, and steal to keep the kitchen going. I’ve done that in the past. I would do it again if I had to. I’ve kept my team lean. I dont pay them as much as I want to. All to preserve sanity and not go beyond our aukaat (while taking shots beyond that). 

Wait. Before I digress. So, the funny part is, ALL our clients know this. Each of them. And they see it. And yet they tend to talk to us in a tone unwelcome, uncalled for and unneeded. I know they dont know that am soy and snowflake and easily hurt and their simple act of trying to push me to do more would derail me. I think I am still ok but I can’t imagine how my team feels!

But then, why be impolite? Why be condescending? Why be rude?

Maybe, a large part of this sadness and disappointment is my expectation from life and people itself. Maybe I am too simplistic (and wrong) in believing that people don’t have egos. Maybe people at the core are bitchy and mean for no reason. Maybe people love playing power games. Maybe people like to just poke with harmony and see what comes out of it. What if Joker was right all this while? PS: Even if they are wired differently, I will continue to chart my path. If I had to go live in a village where costs are low, I would. I would retire in Goa or in the hills where at least I can breathe free!

The other part could be that my approach to life could be unsettling for the world at large and they can’t understand it. I am trying to build a utopian world where everyone is kind to each other, everyone is engaged, everyone is chasing meaning (and not vanity goals), everyone sees magical possibilities. Where its one for all and all for one. Where I exist because we exist. But maybe everyone is hardwired into creating kalesh for kalesh’s sake? PS: Dont think this is the case though. I know people are really really good. I really believe that people do create magic.

I’ve been thinking about this for the last few days now and I am at my wit’s end. So, I kinda give up on trying to find the reason or answer. All I know is that I will chase my utopia till I can. 

Truth be told, I am often flexible on morals. I like the idea of doing whatever it takes to build a life I want to live. No, I am not talking about doing illegal things. But I am ok to bend a few rules if I have to. As long as I am not taking away from someone more deserving. I sometimes feel I were a tad evil – I would’ve done so much better! If I could sell my soul, I would probably be rich enough already to pay myself well and pay my people well. But then I get back to my thought about trying to build a long-term, sustainable, boring business that everyone tapdances to work on an everyday basis. 

The other part is these lingering thoughts about the challenges of running a service business in the market that we are in. We work hard to make other people’s dreams come true and in exchange, we get to make just enough to be happy about. Some days we make more than what we need but most days we merely get by. Luckily we are at a good place – on any given day, most of our clients are great companies, folks and all. They pay us ok money. We are challenged enough. All is well. But then when there are days like the last few and especially yesterday, I start questioning what we do.

The last bit is, maybe this is the trigger to push harder on my attempts to build a business that does not rely on just a few people or companies. Maybe build something that has hundreds of customers spread across geographies. Maybe I need to rethink how I work and slowly move on to a product business or something. I don’t know yet. My head’s in a soup. You can see. Lol.

Anyhow. Long rant is over. The point is, when someone speaks to me in a tone or a manner that is not kind or polite, in my head, all hell breaks loose. I spiral down and this is where I am at right now.

Of course, I will be back. I am strong like that. Vanita calls me a survivor. I survived COVID-19. I survived people cheating on me. I have survived so far. And I shall. Maybe i’d get a tee that says, “I am a survivor” :D. Lol!

Ok, more later. Thanks for reading (if you did). And yes, all is well. My back is still straight. I am still surrounded by a team that will move the mountains for me and for our clients. And we would continue to give our heart, head and soul for the work we do.

Oh, if you are reading this and you want to hire a great team to work with you – look us up 🙂

Untitled – 1 Feb 2024

Random musings from a bored mind at 8 in the morning.

So, I woke up early and I had a bit before I had to leave (Starbucks opens at 8). So I thought I would write (cos I want to get back to writing and anyway journaling things is a good idea). And here we are. Talking about things at the top of my head.

These are in no order.

1/ Everest
I realised today that my Everest shot is less than 18 months to go. And I am not really in the pink of my health. And the way things are, I will miss it. It has been my biggest goal, dream, public claim, etc etc since I can remember (I cant remember too much to be honest) but this has been a big one on my list (other two are a billion dollars in cash and an impact on a billion lives).

2/ AK
AK’s shareholder letter for Jan 2024. Read here. I have so many thoughts – public and private. One public thought is that I am so much very proud of this woman! I wish I was her when I was 22. At 22, I was getting fired from a job (I can see now that I was wrong), on my way to get in to MDI (thank God, I did) and I was in general a clueless person (am still as clueless but I know more things than I did back then). Life has a way to sober you up.

Also, a note to self to write a letter. Maybe on weekend.

3/ Blue Tokai vs Starbucks
I hang out a lot at Jamjar Diner at Versova. Right next to it is Blue Tokai. And I have come to build a theory about the kind of people that hang out of a Blue Tokai. Lemme don my planner hat and sit on my privileged ass at a Starbucks (am writing this part from a Starbucks) and write about it.

Lemme give context. All three places – Jamjar, Blue Tokai and Starbucks tend to not ask you to leave if you are respectful to their staff and other guests, you don’t occupy too much space and you understand that it’s a restaurant / coffee shop and not a park. In terms of perception, Jamjar feels the most expensive, followed by Starbucks and lastly, Blue Tokai.

I’ve seen similar kinds of people hang out at Starbucks and Blue Tokai – the ones wanting to make films – writers, directors, producers, crew members and more. At Blue Tokai, I spot more actors than I do at Starbucks. But you get the drift.

So, for some reason, the people who hang out at Blue Tokai tend to be more dreamy than the ones at Starbucks. And I don’t blame them. I think everyone wants to find their ilk and I’ve seen conversations at Blue Tokai to be more earthy, more grounded and more dreamy at the same time. At Starbucks, these chats are a lot more in the air. Plus, I’ve realised that people at Blue Tokai tend to thrive in their “struggle”. You know, they assume that a movie is being made on their lives and when they are big, the audience would applaud the effort they made to reach where they are.

While this may not be an emotion that they are aware of, each time you speak to them or overhear conversations, you realise that they are looking for an end goal to be famous. And they are unable to see that this day-to-day life of freedom, control, chase, grind is what success is supposed to be! You may not have fancy cars or gorgeous bags or a million followers but you have your freedom and your dreams and no one can ever touch those, leave alone taking away from you. And that is something that most people tend to miss and that is what causes misery. And that misery is what they want to be captured when the film on their life is made.

So that!

This cartoon explains this the best…

4/ SG’s Clicks
I clicked some REALLY kickass photos at the beach yesterday. Here. No, I cant figure out a way to embed Insta on WordPress. It sucks to be old.

And staying on old age, see this vid and see the raspiness in his voice. The good part, he’s still got the rizz but you can spot that he’s not really, well, young. Sigh!

5/ Modern Day Gurukula
While walking on the beach yesterday, I told AK and C that at DD, they need to cut the umbilical cord to C4E for their own good. And then I gave them a few reasons why. And then I explained them that they need to discover their life themselves and not live a reflection of mine. And then I told them about how I’ve learnt from Raj, Suvi, Rajesh Sir and others and I have picked the best things they did and made them into mine. And while I did this esoteric chat, an epiphany happened.

And that is that I would REALLY love to replicate some sort of a Gurukula where we have sharp young folks interacting with people who have been around. And these exchanges help both the sets of people. May be Base would be that? May be not.

Let’s see.

Bas itna hi for the day. Work beckons. Hopefully, more tom!

Untitled – 28 Jan 2024

Brain dump at a 7 AM on a Saturday morning.

When you open WordPress editor to start writing, they share a prompt – what’s on your mind.

I think I needed this trigger.

So, what’s on my mind?

One-line answer – A lot!

Lemme elaborate. Like most times, I will make a list. Here are the things that I am thinking about and these are making me anxious and unhappy and all that. And yes, these are in an order – these came to my head as I started to think about things! 

What if the run that I am on doesn’t continue in the next year? 
For context, in this year I have scaled C4E (revenue, profits, clients, people) at least 2X compared to last year. While our base is extremely small (we are still a Micro enterprise as per GoI definitions) but to me, it is big. 

So what if this dream run doesn’t continue?

Ok, I am not the one to affect me, normally. I believe this too shall pass. I know we are in a good place. We have a good mix of long-term clients and short-term projects. Team is stable, engaged, passionate and active. And while they are atamnirbhar, as the oldest member of the team, I feel responsible for them. And that’s the challenge. What if I am unable to pay for them?

How do I scale? 
Now that I have seen a good year, the ambitious man in me seems to have started to stir. And this means I need to do more and at scale. And this means I need to work harder. Just that I don’t know which direction to work hard in! I mean we offer communication services to people and there are a million other companies that do this. And they do it cheaper and better. Why would the client choose me? Why would I use my time to build this? Did I learn all I learnt to just offer communication services? No, I don’t mean to be disrespectful. Different people have different battles and a communication agency is not mine. Not at this time at least. Maybe in the future. Never say never. So, coming back to the scale question, I need to work on that. And that is what keeps me up at night.

The chase of cool things. 
If you know me at all, you would know that I love shiny toys more than anything else. I’d rather spend my life in chase and not in actual deep, building of things. My joy is in zero to 1 and not in 1 to 100. This is something that Aditya Sir made me realize long ago! And the world we live in has a million shiny things to be honest and I have access to none of those. So, I am mindfucked about not having access to those cool things. I know that there’s no end to this. And I know better to not make that a pain point!

How do I build distribution? 
I’ve realized that everything in life boils down to one thing and one thing only – distribution. Once you have that, you can touch the sky and reach the moon and all that. Today I have pathetic distribution and reach. I may have 1000 followers on twitter but I don’t have an impactful reach and I need to build that. When I say impactful, I mean I should be able to reach people that matter. And they must know who I am. 

On the internet, people agree that there are a few ways to reach there – 

  • a, create polarizing content in polarizing categories (religion, celebrity, sports), 
  • b, showcase your talent as a person of talent (humor, acting, opinions, wit etc), 
  • c, identify a niche for yourself and create consistently on that, and finally, 
  • d, spend money! 

Now, I don’t have any of these 4. Plus I refuse to be siloed into one category – I am a free bird (lol). And thus the mindfuck. 

How do I ship more things? 
The other question I keep asking is, how do I ship more. I agree that all the things that I have mentioned above need a tiny element of luck but this one, the one on shipping, is pure hard work. No luck. Once I ship, things may not work out or things may bomb or things may be substandard quality. But I know that shipping is single-handedly a thing that I can control! So that.

Maybe once I start shipping things, I will feel good? After all it’s been AGES since I’ve shipped something by myself! 

So that! 

Oh and thanks to this brain dump, now I know that since shipping contributes this much to my happiness, I need to probably amp up my shipping game! 

Notes from my drafts folder – 11 Jan 2024

A random rant that I felt like publishing on my blog. Read if you’d like to.

I have this drafts folder in my notes that I update thru the day. I take note of things – some important, some random, some to be used temporarily, some to be sent into my permanent storage (Roam at this time). Most days as I end the day, I delete this note and move on.

However, yesterday I wrote a note and I realised if I made this public, it would probably nudge me to be a tad better. How? Well, it would make me journal what I think and how I think. I would make me live more in public. And it would help me become more conscious about how I live. Making it public would be a good method for me to ensure that my thoughts, actions and reality are in coherence.

Here’s the post (very very lightly edited to remove personal details of others)…

1/ Its 4. Jsut woke up. Havent slept well in last 3 days. Random XXX crisis – it sucks energy but I am hopeful that it will be better now that there’s a change at the top

2/ “co work” is good but actual productivity is lot less. At least for me. I get more things done when am with strangers at a coffee shop than my loved ones anywhere. so I will limit my trips to starbucks when others are around 

3/ beach at 545 everyday – I will do more of this. I am thinking of starting a tradition – each day when am there, we will talk about a lesson from life and generally talk and take it from there. not gyaan but how it is pertinent. I will try to invite people there. this is our version of party of 9. 

4/ am getting sucked in day to day things at C4E and thus havent thought about sog book, sog 2024, growth with c4e, dubai, BD etc. I need to be out of it 100%. I am 90% out to be honest. But I still do those things. 

5/ not working on health. need to action. Lemme do 5 knee push-ups and come back.

6/ back. did 10 knee-pushups

7/ I do my best work at morning. I need to probably end my days right after the walk at beach and a workout post that and readin. So, say beach by 630 – workout from 630 to 730 and then wind down. And wake up at 4 AM or whatever and work from home till 8 and move. 

This means I will have lesser metings that I would want to. And thats ok? I have people that I trust now that can take things forward 

8/ Need to work on personal brand. 

9/ Lot of parked ideas. Here’s a list…

  • Freelancer Creatives Agency – this is also an idea that XXX had told me last year – C may recall 
  • Third world hiring
  • Women hiring 
  • Some startup 

10/ read https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hemline_index and was fascinated.

11/ when someone I love talks to me rudely for no reason and piles on me, I lose it. Brain stops braining. I don’t know what to do about this. I have to be in touch and I cant cut off. Some people understand. Some don’t. So that. 

12/ need to “hang out” less often. 

So that. The drafts folder. Lemme know what you think.

PS: I tried this when I lived in Goa during the pandemic. Here I am, again with it!

The Health Hack

A short-post on something that I’ve on my mind (and not too keen on talking to anyone else about).

At am in a good place in life. Things are moving for me and I want to do more. I am surrounded by people I love and people that love me. We are doing ok work and we are respected by the ones around us. A lot of our experiments seem to be paying off. A lot of the ones that we are not hopeful about, I have decided I would shut those.

The point is, I am at a very interesting juncture in life – things look bright and cheery and nice from here on. I need all it takes to be able to do more. And anything that stops me from doing more, I want to stop doing those. Anything that enables me to do more, I want to do more of those.

Among the things that enable me (and / or stop me) is health. And I am fucking up on it. I am eating carbs, snacks, and whatnot. I am not working out and I can feel random pain in my chest, in my knees, my back (that reminds me, I need to go to a spine specialist) and a lot of other places. And no, none of these are battle injuries. These are merely lifestyle ones.

Oh, I’ve been unwell the last 2 days. And I am missing important deadlines – for clients (both old and new). And more importantly, I missed two things – P’s birthday party and M’s “farewell”. I also have a potential team member from C4E in Bom (from Delhi) and I wanted to spend time with her. But clearly am not being able to do that. So that.

Someone said, that maybe its 70+ hours that I talked about in this post that’s catching up on me. May be. But here’s the thing. I am not scared about missing work. I am merely cataloguing it here, acknowledging it and deciding that I would do better. And that, ladies and gents is the short post for the day.

Here’s hoping that I am better from here on 🙂

PS: Whoever is reading this, when am unwell, I don’t want to be talked to about it. I can order my soups, I can order my meds, I can find a doc if I have to. I do NOT ever want anyone to talk to me as if I where dying. In fact, I know that when I die, I don’t want to be around the ones I love. More on this later. Time to go make some mindmaps!

PPS: Oh the irony, as I write this, there’s Outlive on my desk staring at me!

in2024, I will…

A list of things that Saurabh Garg plans to work on #in2024. This is my annual post where I list my goals and ambitions and dreams and all that.

Hi! I started 2023 with this… 

Originally posted here.

And Obonato became the word of 2023 for me. And for some of us at C4E. Pooja introduced us to the word and it purportedly means “I exist because we exist”.

2023 was a testament to that.

I had a great 2023 because of “we”. We here is an entire village of people who have cared for me, worked with me, trusted me, given me work, allowed me to be me, hosted me, tolerated and even did not like me as much as I would want them to! 

I will come to the review and lessons from 2023 shortly but right at the top, allow me to talk about the word for 2024. It’s “ruthless consistency”. Inspired by AK. I’ve realized that if I have to do more with my life and make the lives of those around me stronger, better, happier, sustainable and all that – I need to be consistent. And that is what I would chase. We’d get to this shortly. For the time being, let’s get started with a report card for 2023. 

Recap of 2023 

I will divide this into the following categories – C4E, SoG, SG, and Lessons.

On C4E

I’ll start with people. Not revenue. And I will end with the direction I want C4E to take in the years to come.

People. We are now almost 15 people strong. This time last year we were 7. We continue to remain a unique business – there are no full-time “employees” and yet most people are married to C4E. We are all partners in the village!

And like in a village, each of us loves each other, respects each other and supports each other. This has to be my biggest win of 2023.

In the words of one of our former clients and ongoing friends, like their company (CynLr), “We are a platform for opportunity exchange”. Each person at C4E has the opportunity to do more and think more and meet more people and chase their respective bliss and choose their own adventure. 

In 2023, we paid at least 30 people EACH month – a fee ranging from 5K to 200K. 5 to interns (we don’t have any unpaid interns) and 200K to one of the partners (most people at C4E are partners). And no, I am not the highest-paid partner at C4E. And this does not include the manifold that we paid to our suppliers. 

All this while, the focus has remained on people and culture. With time we have made our hiring process more particular. If you want to work with C4E – you need to invest at least 2 hours on pre-reads listed on this page, fill in a long form, meet us a few times, do a paid assignment and then you may have a chance to get in. No, we don’t offer perks that even the smallest of companies offer but if you are in, you are treated as a human and not as a resource. And we promise a place that would give shoulders to your dreams. 

Village. I read this quote (apparently by Kabir) and it has left an indelible impression on me. 

साईं इतना दीजिए, जामे कुटुंब समाए 
मैं भी भूखा न रहूं, साधु न भूखा जाए

C4E is an excuse to support the entire kutumb (aka family) and the ones that need it. The best representation of that is in the shape of villages of the yesteryears – where each resident has their own thing and the collective contributes to that thing. And vice versa. More on it here. 

So, the C4E Village is a safe space for people to experiment, do and learn from different perspectives. If you think you want to support C4E and be a part of the village, please let me know and I’d love to have you around! 

Revenue. In the year that ended on Mar 23, we did almost 2 crores of topline. I wanted to end Mar 2024 with 20 crores. We would end at 4+ crores. So, on one side I failed to get us to 20. And on the other, we did very well to grow more than 2X. All credit goes to people at C4E.

The best part? Our biggest client accounts for less than 40% of the top line. We offer 4 distinct kinds of services and none contributes more than 40% to the top line. So we are well diversified, derisked from ruin and at a great place to scale from here on!

Clients. We added some great names to our repertoire. We now have a mix of startups, global conglomerates, individuals and our own projects. And I love that we are challenged by a wide range of problems. Some of these were… 

  • Brand design / redesign for a global tea brand, a technology outsourcing company, a real estate giant and others
  • Brand consulting for businesses operating in undergarments on one side and enabling solar adoption on the other and many more in the middle
  • Manage social media presence for the likes of a global healthcare giant, a concrete equipment leader, a construction equipment player, a couple of insurance companies, a fintech festival and more
  • Content for the likes of a Tourism department, a Swedish furniture giant, one of the largest global technology companies and others
  • Personal brands for a few CXOs

I am sure there’s more. But these are at the top of my head at this time. 

I am proud to say that we stopped working for a few clients and returned money when we realized that our culture and ethos were not in alignment. We don’t know if they were wrong or we were. But we didn’t see alignment and decided that it was better to part ways.

And if this is of any interest, one of the short films that we made got a famous actor (Manav Kaul) his first ever Filmfare Award! 

As I end the bit about C4E, I maintain that all of us at C4E know that our Mahabharata is around the corner and we want to be ready when we get to it.

Projects. We invest all that we make into projects. These are independent of C4E but are run by people at C4E. Our projects around books, films, podcasts, and women continue to help us learn more and scale. I would’ve liked them to become independent by now but they are not. This is one of my big failings from 2023. As I build more projects, I will be mindful of this and will aim for revenue from day 0. 

Apart from these existing ones, we started one around sustainability and that could not see the light of the day. The ones about alcobev and casting have just started and I should have something to report by the next year. 

If I had to pick highlights from these projects, I would single out Purple Pencil Project. We’ve worked on finding our PMF and the best part is that we are now an accredited Publishing company with our first book on its way already! 

On SoG

SoG is Shoulders of Giants and no, it’s not inspired by my initials! However, I’ve come to realize that this is my life’s work and this was my biggest failure in 2023. Going forward I would fix this.

Here’s what you’d see from SoG in 2024.

SoG Grant. This idea has been pending execution since 2021! Time flies! In 2024, it will see the light of the day. The idea is simple. I will give an equity-free grant to people who want to chase a large goal but are unable to because they need some financial stability.

I am putting in 100K of my own money. Krishna has agreed to put in about 25. In case you want to put in as well, let me know. This is the least we can do to support young people. 

SoG Book. I have AK helping me with this. So odds are, we would ship it. The book is a compilation of letters that I wish someone had written to me when I was young (to help me get wise). Think of Poor Charlie’s Almanack. Or Naval’s Almanack. 

SoG 2024. I need to get more young people to be part of the 2024 cohort. If you know any sharp young people, send them here – SoG Application.

Party of 9, SoG edition. An in-person meetup of smart people. For young people. If you know young people between the ages of 15 and 19, please do send this form to them.  

Apart from these four, I would try and build campus and city chapters for SoG. 

On SG

While I’ve had a great year in terms of work, at a personal level, I haven’t had a good one. I realized that my life is centred around work. I no longer relate to most of my friends. And I continue to spend all my time on things, ideas, thoughts and people from work. So, I may very well be living in an echochamber! 

I did not care for my health, I was not a good son, I failed at keeping relationships, I continue to miss having a special someone in my life and most importantly – I am not consistent at all.

Report card from 2023

I stated that in 2023, I would do three large things – write book2, get fit (do a sub-5-hour marathon) and make money (pay back my debt and pay each person at C4E more than what the market would pay).

I failed at and missed the first two. Truth be told, I’ve been missing them for more than 10 years now. And I refuse to give up! 

On the third one, I was able to pay back a large part of my debt. I had decided that if I could not pay back my debt by the end of 2023, I would quit. I am happy to report that at least on paper, I have paid it all back.  

On people, in most cases, I think I pay more than the market (at least more than their last income or more than what they ask me). I want this to grow as we scale in 2024. 

Apart from these three large ones, I had numerous smaller ones. I got some, I did not get some. And while I can beat myself over those, I don’t want to. I don’t want to overinform here but if you want to know more, a detailed report card is here. 

In 2024 I plan to work on being consistent and one way to do so is to live in public. Here is where I would track various things that I think will make me better. 

So this brings me to the lessons I learned in 2023.

Lessons from 2023

2023 was a remarkable year. I saw a lot of interesting things in action and my thoughts were often challenged. Here are some lessons that I would like to put on paper and share with whoever is reading. 

  1. No one owes you anything. You have to work hard to get it. 
  2. Money talks. This year I made some money with C4E and when the world saw I had money, I saw people change their behavior toward me.
  3. You get the respect that you ask for. Not what you deserve.
  4. Unreasonable people move you forward. I want to talk about two women here. Aastha and Arti. Aastha is the founder of sya and taught me that you could be unreasonable about work and everyone falls in line. Arti taught me the same when it comes to personal goals and milestones. Thank you, ladies.
  5. Time is painfully short, limited and unpredictable. You plan for the next year and before you know it, you are dead. So, do things now.
  6. Karma does not exist. I used to be a big believer in this but I no longer believe in it.
  7. It’s easy to spot people who fake things. So, never fake.  
  8. Actions > Words.
  9. Say yes more than I say no (probably sparked by a recent conversation with friends). All that I have in life has come to me because I’ve said yes more than I’ve said no. This year too I could make money because I said yes. The biggest client came to me because I said yes to cutting my holiday short and meeting the client.
  10. Be the person that’s willing to put in 70+ hours a week. Find more people who can outwork you. If you are not someone that likes this 70+ hours thingy, it’s ok 🙂
  11. You can build luck – my entire life is a testimony. 

So that. 

Ok. 
The 2024 plans, goals, ideas, thoughts etc. 
Here we go… 

The “word” for 2024 – Ruthless Consistency 

The theme for the year is Ruthless Consistency.

Thanks again AK for this. This year I want to become a consistency machine. This year I would start my days with writing and end with chasing the sunsets. I started the first day of 2024 with writing (this letter). And I hope that I can go see the sunset as I end the day. I went today 🙂

I plan to make a WA group to help keep people accountable – we declare what we want to do every day and we post a photo of that task at the end of the day. Right now there are two of us. If you want in, tell me what would you like to do every day and let’s keep each other on track! 

Coming to the goals for 2024, along with the ones I’ve listed already in this letter, here are my top three goals for 2024 on a personal level. 

  • Build SoG – this is the single most important goal I will chase in 2024. 
  • Build brand SG – my personal brand. I’ve realized that if we don’t have distribution, you could do the greatest of things – you would get no ROI. So I want to reach 100K people on various platforms. This may take any shape – podcasts, solocasts, blogs, books, whatever. 
  • Run a sub-5-hour marathon.

On C4E, the goal is just one – make C4E more stable. I will do this by taking the following actions… 

1/ Build people. Obnato will continue to be a theme C4E will only grow if people at C4E grow. And I will do whatever it takes to help my people grow. 

I would also try and detach C4E from SG. Right now, most of the work comes to Saurabh. And SG can choose to work as C4E, B4U, ABC or whatever. I want C4E to stand on its own legs. We have started to action that already. In 2024, more and more decisions on C4E will be taken by the team.

2/ Build design chops. We continue to be without a design leader. I will fix this in 2024. 

3/ Expand in another territory. I will try and set us up in Dubai. Multiple reasons – currency arbitrage, proximity to India, likeness of people, and a few friends. If you know people in Dubai, please connect me. I will be there a lot in 2024. 

4/ Build communities. We already have an interest in books, films and more. I want to expand more on these in 2024 and build stronger communities. 

5/ Build products. We are a services company and like most services companies, we are at the mercy of a variety of opinions. I want to change that. I don’t know how it would happen but building some productised services or a B2B product or some IP looks like a good idea. Need to think more about this. Oh, I would work hard to make Femela a reality. 

6/ Grow business. I will also ensure that we focus on acquiring more clients (and for that, build brand C4E, redo our website, build the scout program, find more partners), quit unprofitable accounts, shut projects that don’t perform, build assets, get prudent about money and all that. I want to end 2024 with 40 crores of topline.

7/ Apart from the 6 listed above, I have a few more things that I want to work on. There is no science, or reason for these but I want to. Here they are… 

  1. Build C4E Base
  2. Chase 100 rejections 
  3. Teach at some college 
  4. Initiate SoG SOTY Award
  5. Be 30” around my waist (lol)
  6. Fix my relationship with money 
  7. Learn how to solve a Rubik’s cube 
  8. Operate from a place of abundance
  9. Put my photo on the internet (maybe) 
  10. Be more groomed and better dressed 
  11. Learn Webflow – I tried in 2023 and failed! 
  12. Scratch my itch to be around creative people 
  13. Learn how to play top-25 most heard songs on Uke 
  14. Put some website / page on each domain that C4E owns 
  15. Design a tool to review life and may be a planner, while I am at it 

Oh, here’s an epiphany. Most of these goals have remained goals for a long time now. And that means I am not growing. I am merely ageing. Sigh! 

In the end 

I’ll end this by reiterating that I want to be ruthlessly consistent in 2024. Please hold me accountable. I will update this sheet and I plan to send a weekly update to everyone interested. Lemme know and I will add you to the list of people that get that update from me. 

Apart from this, I have a few very specific asks. Here they are.

1/ Help me connect with people in Dubai

2/ Help me stabilize C4E – help us in getting more work, introducing us to more people that we can work with 

3/ And the most important ask. Tell me your goal for 2024 and I will do whatever it takes to make that come true. Allow me to help you chase your personal bliss in 2024. 

And yeah, that’s about it! 

Here’s wishing you a glorious, fascinating, fulfilling 2023. May it be the best year of your life.

Thank you for reading!
Thank you for your support and patronage!

Gratitude and Regards,
Saurabh Garg
Jan 1, 2024
Mumbai

Oh, and here are posts from previous years.
Annual Goals – 2023, 2022
2021 – Annual Goals, Jan-Feb-Mar, Apr-May-Jun, Jul-Aug-Sep-Oct-Nov
2020 – Annual Goals, Jan, Feb-Mar, Apr-May, Jun-Jul-Aug
2019 – Aug, Sep, Oct, Nov, Dec
Older posts – 2018, 2017, 2015, 2014, 2013, and 2012.

PS: As I end this, I must credit YearCompass. I’ve been using it for a few years and I think it gives me a great structure to think about the year gone by. 

Untitled – 24 Dec 2023

A short note on things clouding my head. There’s no structure to this post. Read. Or ignore. Your call.

The last few days (three weeks or so) have been a whirlwind. I was on a stressful project that needed my attention. Now that it’s behind me, a sense of normalcy has returned. Plus the world is on almost a break for Christmas and New Year and that means there’s little pressure to get things done. And that means I can sit and dream – my most favourite thing to do.

Along with daydreaming, I am thinking a lot about how I’ve spent 2023 and what I hope to do in 2024. I wrote this when we started the year. I don’t think I’ve done even 1% of what I had planned but the year was remarkable in its own way. The three most important things would be (in order)…

  1. I started paying off the debt I had accumulated around COVID-19. I haven’t paid all of it yet but I have started to repay.
  2. I was able to build a team of sorts (we at C4E don’t really have any “employees” but each person who calls C4E home is a partner and if not a business owner already, will own some soon). And may I add that EACH person on my team is incredibly special. At times I can’t believe my luck that I’ve been able to find support from so many people.
  3. I was on the road a lot. And I loved it. And it was a big big win! I took 30+ flights and I was in Dubai, Manila, Bangalore, Delhi, Goa and more. I would’ve loved a lot more travel but as I grow older and go deeper in work and life, I think it’s actually an impediment. More on this in a bit.

Lemme talk of each thing.

1. Debt
This is the largest thing, to be honest. As a 41-year-old, to me, this is the single most important driver of things. I am ok with not having anything that makes my blood boil. I am ok with not having any large why to live. I am ok to vegetate and disappear when my time comes. But I am not ok to have this unpaid debt on my head. COVID-19 was a very interesting period and 3 years after the world was shut, I am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

2. Team C4E
If you know me, you would know how much I talk about my people at C4E. What started with Pooja has today become a 10+ people-strong setup. We could get started cos Pooja transformed the lone nut in me into the crowd that we are today. We are still far from our tipping point though. We remain unique – no one is an employee and yet almost everyone believes C4E is their home. The keyword is believe. And home. And while we want to be a good marriage of family and sports team, to me, we’ve had a brilliant start. Now, I need to this setup into a company for the long term. Let’s see how this goes.

3. Travel
So while I love to travel, I am realising that it’s incredibly hard to build things while you are on the road. When you’re travelling, you have no fixed rhythm, routine, desk et al and you are unable to get things done. Yes, I am talking for myself. I know of tons of people who live on planes and yet do grand things.

In fact, I’ve made a conscious decision to not travel anymore for the rest of the year and I will avoid as much as I can. My sis is here from CA and I could be in Delhi but I am not going (that’s another thing that I dont like Delhi so much that I am choosing to not to be with my fam). I am scheduled to be in Bangalore on the 17th of Jan for a few days and then in Dubai towards the end of Jan for a fortnight. I will avoid all other travel as much as I can #in2024.

The other thing with travel is that you are unable to focus, you dont get to eat well, your clothes are always dirty and smelly and piled up. You can’t think even though you are bombarded with so many new things!

Anyhow.

So that was the top three thing.

There are quite a few things that I’ve been thinking about the last few days. Lemme write about dump those.

A/ The unfairness, disparity and stupidity of life
The other day some of my friends went for lunch at a fancy restaurant. They ran a bill of 33K + taxes for a party of 9 (including kids). I realised that 33K is almost the same as what I pay someone who starts working at C4E (we pay 30K).

And I was left with a question – why would I “invest” 33K on a meal when I can pay someone that kind of money to someone to add value?

So henceforth, I will NOT go to a restaurant where the per head bill for a proper meal is more than 1000 bucks. I would like it to be at 500 but the work I do requires me to meet fancy people and thus I need to be more extravagant. So 1000 bucks.

I will also not go to a place where we are consuming alcohol – it’s the best way to run up a fat bill. Last night 4 of us from C4E had dinner and we paid 2700 odd bucks. 1100 of that was for three beers. Sigh.

B/ Suvi Chawla
I’ve written about Suvi a lot. And I can write more about it. Till I get tired. And then still more. He’s had an immeasurable impact on my life. More than anything else he taught me how to produce and direct events. And this knowledge has helped me build C4E. Heck, we were C4 Events before we became C4E.

I recently did an event that went like clockwork (except for three mistakes) and I couldn’t have done that with the training I got under Suvi’s wings. So, been thinking a lot about what I’ve learnt from him and what I can teach others.

C/ Panchgani
I was there last week. I think it’s a place where I can retire.

It is a tiny town with one market that sees all the action there is. Everyone knows everyone else. There is hardly anything to do there except, well, I dont know. The weather is perfect. The hills are not too steep. The distance is a tad more than my liking (about 6 hours from Bom) but that’s ok. I’ve written a lot about it in the past. Must find a way to write more about the place. And the people.

D/ Jigsaw puzzles
On a whim (prompted by BVHK), I bought myself a Jigsaw. And started on it today. I’ve done a few in the past. Let’s see how this one goes.

Here’s how it looks right now…

I will try and upload this as it starts to take shape.

E/ YearCompass
I’ve started to work on my 2024 YearCompass. If you are the kind to think seriously and plan for the year, you must use this tool. Trust me when I say this, this is one of the best structures you can use to reflect on your past and plan for your future.

One part of figuring it to look at the previous years. I found for the last 2 and I flipped through those, I realized that nothing ever seems to change while there is change all around us.

I will write a longer post soon where I talk about my plans for 2024 (including what went right and wrong in 2023). And I will write at least three sets of emails – one to the C4E Village, one to select people who have had a large impact on me and one to the entire world.

So that!

F/ This video.
I dont have the words for anything else. Watch it for yourself and decide what you care for more as an Indian.

And that’s that. And the end of this post. Thank you for reading.

Untitled – 27 Nov 2023

The last few days have been maddening (and exciting). I have travelled to Dubai, Delhi and Bangalore. I have had multiple calls in a day (and I am not used to talking on the phone). I have had to douse multiple fires (including a few that I could have avoided if I had trained people well). I have had to think hard about how I want to run my business (continue to be a lifestyle business that gives me enough to live by myself in basic comfort or scale to a large services company where we make great money but then take great stress as well). No, I dont have an answer to this question. But I know that I have worked a lot. Probably the hardest I have ever had. And no, not hard work as in carrying a load on my back but putting my head to simple problems. And I will not lie, I am enjoying every bit of it!

I can complain that the problems am working on could be larger and grander. I know what am doing at 41, most people do at 25. I know I’ve been left behind in the race of life. I know I have to catch up on a lot of things. I know I have to run harder and faster to stay at the same place. I know age is not on my side. I am unfit like a sack of potatoes. I mean you get the drift. I can REALLY complain if I want to. But I think I am at a great place in life. I would have given an arm and a leg to be here when we were stuck indoors due to COVID-19.

So that.

Ok, coming to the point of this blog.

As an old man trying to do a million things, I get overwhelmed a lot and like most humans I often get the urge, need, want, wish, whatever to share how am feeling with someone. Someone who’d not judge me and understand me (at least try to). Someone who I can just go and rant to. I am super close to my team. More than I should be in a professional setting. I dont have boundaries. And that makes it tough to lean on them. My best friends are in full-time jobs with stable and fat salaries and thus they dont understand why I get jittery around the 20th about money. I dont want to trouble my parents. I dont trust people on the internet a lot. I dont have romantic partners.

And I really really really need to vent out at times. And this is when this blog comes in handy. I pour out whatever it is that’s clouding my head. Here’s a list of things at this hour – 23:57 PM, 27 Nov 2023.

A/ Health.
I am back to being 92.6 kg. Last week I touched 91. I had controlled what I ate. But I lapsed over the weekend. I had to be 5 inches thinner by the end of the year. I have about 30 days and I dont think that’s happening. And I hate it.

B/ Compulsive Shopping.
Last few days I have ordered random things on Amazon. Most of these were ordered while I was in that half-asleep, dazed state.

I need to stop this. Probably delete the credit card from Amazon. Probably stop scrolling those “ten things from Amazon you need in your house”.

C/ Chandni is finally in Mumbai.
I am giving myself another year 6 months or so to build a unicorn out of DD / C4E. We are in a good place in terms of income. We are at a great place in terms of delivery. I am cutting all the fluff by Mar 2024, including letting go of people that dont perform (something I’ve never ever done and something that I will do with a heavy heart). If I dont make it in the next few months, I would never.

D/ Music by Rajesh Singh.
I am tripping onto this dude called Rajesh Singh. He sings old Hindi music and I love him! See this one. See this tweet.

E/ Writing.
I am loving that words are flowing easily as I type this. I love that whatever I’ve been thinking lately, I am able to pour it on paper and I can feel the hunch in the shoulders go away. I must write more often.

F/ May the flop be with you!
I am on a great streak with the flops and rivers. I am FTing a lot of these timed tourneys on Poker Stars. It’s taking time but I am loving the grind.

G/ Payday
I need to pay my people this week. I am getting jittery about the bank balance. Lol.

H/ Dubai
Prito called me from Dubai yesterday morning. Love love love love it that he’s getting to do what he wants to. He is one of those super unreasonable, super-pushy people who decide what they want and then they get it.

Another such person I’ve come to know lately is Aastha. Even though she’s new in my ecosystem, I love how good she is! I wish I was half as good.

I am super-duper invested in the success of both of these people. And many many more.

I/ Growth and grandeur
FWIW I’ve always chased grand things and plans. And I’ve remained tiny speck. No, I don’t want grandeur for myself to be able to buy a Rolls but I’d like that wealth to open doors and give me access to experiences that I don’t even know exist.

J/ Car
I really really really crave a car. At this time, I want nothing but an empty-ish road, a decentish car, and a hotel at the end of the journey. I don’t think am buying a car in India ever but I would love to have access to one for sure.

K/ Manav Kaul, Filmfare
For one of the short films I produced with Shikha, Manav Kaul has won the Filmfare award for the best actor. I had literally no role to play in the film except putting in the money but his award felt personal! Oh, and we’ve been at numerous festivals and won some awards but I think Filmfare is the only Indian award that I probably cared for. That seems to be within reach now as well! So that. I really really would like to scale this business of entertainment. I damned moved all the way to Andheri for this!

And no, while I want to be a part of the show business, I continue to remind myself of Pale Blue Dot. I’ll probably get it framed.

L/ Focus
I have been thinking about focus. I’ve never been the kind to be able to focus and I don’t know if I should change it at this age. But then each time I see someone extol the virtues of focus, I get mindfucked. Like this tweet.

M/ The #in2024 Plan
I have been thinking about it for a while now. And I have been delaying that. Multiple reasons. Each year I make such a large brouhaha about it and I miss most things by a mile. Been planning and missing for at least 10 years now.

So this time, I am thinking do I even want to do it? I mean I don’t get discouraged if I miss the plan. I don’t get excited if I get to some milestones. I am mostly stoic about things.

I’d love to plan – gives me a semblance of structure in my otherwise random life. But then I’d love to not plan as well – gives me an opportunity to fan more randomness and see if things go well. So, if I do, I will continue to use YearCompass. If I don’t, I won’t. Let’s see where my mood takes me over the next few days.

N/ A new frame for the house
Now that I have decided that I will start to acquire things again, I got myself a piece of art frame. I love how it has come out. Whoever is lucky enough to get admission to my house gets to see.

Guess this is it for the time being. I had an ok (but tiring day). I had two tough meetings, but I sailed through. I have a fancy lunch to go to tomorrow. I am so not looking forward to it but I have to go! Work, sigh!

And as I end this, I really really want to acknowledge that whoever said that being an entrepreneur is the loneliest profession – HELL YEAH! It is. Especially if you are old and don’t drown yourself in alcohol or any substance abuse. You really have no one around. I am glad and grateful I have at least this blog to lean on. Most people don’t even have that. I can only imagine their misery and want of success.

Anyhow.
This is it for the day.
More later!

PS: In case you are in the same boat and want to talk to someone, am around 🙂

The Delhi Delulu

A short note about my recent (and not so recent) trip (s) to Delhi.

I am writing this from a plane – UK801. Unedited, unfettered text. Please excuse typos etc.

So, each time I make a trip to delhi, I feel I am cheating. I feel incomplete. I feel incredibly sad. There is no specific reason to be honest – delhi is after all home. I may live in Mumbai and I may want to be living out of India but at heart I am from Delhi and you can never take that out of me. I prefer “tu” when I talk. I use Hindi a lot. I slip into informal conversations even when I am supposed to be running serious business meetings. I dress like a vagabond – wait this is not a Delhi charcterestic – people in Delhi are very very well dressed. Anyhow. I am as Delhi-like as they come.

The point is, even though am coming home (this time, for Diwali) and other times as and when I get an opportunity, each trip to delhi feels incomplete. A compromise. Here are a few reasons why… 

One.
I have a few connections (people I went to MDI with, people I’ve become friends over the years, people that I want to be friends with and more) in Delhi and each time I am in Delhi, I want to meet them. But I am unable to. The time is limited. The distance too much. The willingness of others to meet me is limited. This is one of my rants that for some reason, I dont get enough attention or patronage from people that I would like to meet – maybe once I have some money and some success, I would be able to attract more people to choose me over whatever else they’d do on a weekend. 

Two.
While I am in Delhi, I am unable to work and to me the only thing that matters is my work. At home in Delhi, we dont have a place that I can sit and work out of – even though my parents make a lot of concessions for me. The nearest coffee shop is a McD and it opens at 11. The nearest Starbucks is a 45-min drive away. I can convert one of the rooms in my small house as a work-room but for what joy – I am hardly in Delhi and when I am there, I have trained myself to tell that I would not work anymore. 

So, when I cheat my work or slack on it, I feel like I am cheating.

Three.
As someone who grew up in Delhi, I may want to get sad about the very limited network I have here. I mean on instagram every one I know was at a 100 Diwali parties and here I was at home. Oh wait. Lemme catch my thoughts. I am sinking into what I’ve been warning all the kids against – looking at pretty lives of others on instagram and getting sad about my own life! So, this thought I will scratch – you know, thoughts, words, actions, reality. 

Four.
Oh there is this issue of Noida and Gurgaon. For the world these are parts of Delhi. For me these are adopted cousins that I would love to be friends with but haven’t been able to. For one, these places are very far from where I live in delhi. A trip to Gurgaon is about 100 KMs to and fro and with the traffic, it becomes a 4-5 hours affair. Do I want to invest that much time in meeting an adopted cousin? I dont know.

Five.
Finally and most importantly, my parents. 

My parents are old and I rarely meet them. And when I do, it’s on these rush-rush trips to Delhi. And since these are rushed trips, most interactions, conversations and everything else is very, well, rushed! Plus each time I see them, I can see a visible change in them – they are growing older, atrophying. Thankfuly they are very very independent. I am not sure they signed up for this independence – I have largely remained absent from their lives except for these cheat-trips to Delhi – but like most humans, they’ve learnt to survive with each other. Am I guilty about it? Yes! Am I sad about it? Yes. Can I do something about this? I dont know. I mean I can let go of all that I’ve wanted to in life and move back to live in with them. I won’t be happy if I did that. But they would probably be very very happy. 

So this. 

Each of these five things that I talked about, on paper and rationally, are solvable. However I am anything but rational. Each action of mine is guided by emotions, heart, whims. And there is no way these are getting fixed by a person like me. No, not blaming anyone or anything. I am merely reflecting on how these trips to Delhi feel like. 

Guess this is it. Over and out. 

When I travel…

A reflective piece on how I travel, what is home and what is the meaning of life for Saurabh Garg

I wrote a part of this from an airport (DXB) when I was waiting to take my 27th flight of the year. And this has been a bad year in terms of travel.

Oh, and this one will take me home. Delhi. Where my parents are.

I had always imagined that at heart I would always be a Delhi person but now that I am fairly comfortable in my Andheri West and Ghatkopar West life, I dont know what is home. It’s no longer Delhi. And it’s not Mumbai yet. Apart from my parents, the only family I’ve known is VG’s and even he doesn’t have a base per se – so I dont know what or where is home.

Wait. That’s not the point at this time. Moving on.

The other part of this is being written from a flight. Indigo’s 1908. To Del. And since I have nothing special to do on the flight, I’ve had the time to reflect on how I spent the last 7-10 days in one of the top tourist destinations – Dubai. And an epiphany happened. The way I’ve spent the last few days in Dubai is exactly how I’ve spent my entire life as a tourist (or a traveller).

Read on.

So, I was in Dubai for a week or so. And despite it being a haven for tourists and infinite offers for food, attractions, experiences and whatnot, I did exactly what I would do if I were in Mumbai. I was in the infinite loop of “home to a coffee shop to a client’s facility (office, warehouse, meeting room) to another coffee shop and then to the bed for the night”. I have lived in this loop since 2010 now and I think this is for the first time I am thinking and writing about it.

Lemme elaborate.

So this must be my 10th trip to Dubai since the beginning of time. And I have not gone dune-bashing except for a trip back in 2010. I have not been to the top of Burj. I dont know how Dubai Frame looks from the inside. I can’t remember when was the last time I went for a Desert Safari and saw a Belly Dance or a Tanura Dance. The Museum of Future looks gorgeous from the outside but I dont know what it is like inside. The old Dubai may be like, well, the old Dubai but I have no way of knowing – never been there. I am hoping the Dhow River cruise would be nice on most days. The Grand Mosque in Abu Dhabi must be a spectacle. The made-for-tourist things like Yas Island, Ferrari World, F1 tracks and all that must heighten your senses. I have never experienced those.

Similarly, on my maiden trip to Manila earlier this year, I would walk every day from home to a coffee shop, park myself there and do whatever on the laptop. The only time I left the 3 square kilometre area of BGC was to go to the airport and once to a weekend getaway that I was not keen on but VG was. And at that getaway, I sat under a canopy while I saw people frolicking in the water.

For each trip that I have made in the last few years, this would repeat. Hotel. Coffee Shop or the same restaurant. Hotel. Repeat.

The point is, I do NOT do touristy things. I do NOT go to must-visit places. I do NOT indulge in experiences that people travel to the end of the world for. I can’t understand all those people who travelled to Ahmedabad for the India-Pakistan cricket match. Some of my friends have booked a visit to an Ed Sheeran concert for the next year. People I know plan for Diwali parties like we used to schedule classes in school and college – each hour of the day is preallocated and optimised. Reminds me of the fervour participation of people around me at MAMI – people made Excel sheets and all that! For watching some films! I mean really!

Brings me to the point – why do I live? I mean if I am unable to…

  • a, enjoy these experiences,
  • or b, crave for finer things (lately I have decided that I will only buy things when I ABSOLUTELY need them and I would stop wanting all the luxury brands that I’ve wanted (things like Prada sunglasses, Birkenstock chappals, Apple Watches et al))
  • or c, have the wants to attend social dos
  • or d, have any wants that most of us have (gold, sex, legacy)
  • or e, mindlessly consume content on Netflixes of the world
  • or f, have any large personal ambitions for self,
  • or g, have any familial or social attachments

…why am I even alive?

One line of thinking is that I live to be able to become the conductor of opportunity for people that I know – you know, create opportunities for people that I work with – even at my cost. Remember that quote that I often use? Sai itna deejiye?

However, I am unable to answer what drives me. I mean, there’s no end to the opportunity that I can create for people. Today I enable a few people to make ends meet in a respectful, kind manner. Tomorrow, these few could become many. And then those many could become a lot. But it remains a goal without a tangible finish line!

The other line is that I am lost. In the chase of grandiose ambitions and God-like plans, I am lost. And so lost that I am ignoring the very fabric of what makes us human – interactions with others, participation in society, celebrating social constructs and engaging in primal things!

I may be. I may not be. But this is how I am and on a day-to-day basis, I think I am ok. If someone were to ask me about what keeps me up at night, my answer is, nothing! Most days I sleep ok. Some days I want crave for someone special next to me but with time I think I have trained myself to ignore that instinct as well. I couldn’t understand how a lot of Bengali men remained single even when they were old – today I think I can relate to it even though I am unable to put that in words.

Things that people worry about – future, retirement, money, work, health, relationships, I think I am very blessed to found a way to not let those things affect me. I mean I know I dont have any savings, I know that my health is not the best, I know that my parents need my attention, I know that at work, we at C4E could do better, I know I sometimes crave for another human. But overall. I think I am ok.

So, either, I am lost. As lost as a child in the topless bar. Or I have attained Nirvana. And this brings me to the third line of thinking.

The third is that I have somehow attained Nirvana!

I have no needs or wants (except the AC, iPhone, shorts (not pants) and personal space) and I live in the present. I dont think about the past at all and I dont care about the future at all. All I have is this moment and I live in this. Right now, I am in a cramped seat (7D – I always take aisle seats) and writing about the trip to Dubai. I love the idea that I can express myself in a lucid manner and I have some people that listen to me when I talk.

I bring the best of my ability and intention in each interaction. I try and create abundance for everyone. Making movement is an important driver for me. I can not sit idle. I am that man with an axe who’d not breathe till he’s chopped the entire forest down.

While working, at a point in time, I had these rules that I made about the kind of people that I wanted to work with and live with. I was very very very selective about who got access to my inner circle and I was ruthless about who I slowly ejected from it. But I think over time, it’s come to a point where I dont even care about those anymore. Whoever I interact with slots me in a stereotype as per their understanding. I do the same. And as long as a relationship is kind, polite, rational, and win-win, I am okay. The ones that dont play long-term games get filtered out and are best allowed to slip through the crevices of time.

So, that’s that.

Brings me to the next important point.

Why do I travel and what do I do when I do that?

Well, I don’t seek any experiences that tickle any senses (apart from massages, and hitting a runner-runner nuts on a poker table) and that means I could travel each day of the year or I could be cloistered in a city and I would be ok. Wait. This is important. If I am held captive and I am unable to step out of a room, I’ll die. I need to be able to breathe fresh air (hopefully cold), walk around, see other humans going about their lives and augment the dataset on which I’ve built my life. But I am okay to do so in a tiny block or in the world at large. Preferably in the world at large because it will offer me a larger data set and thus more experiences and more lessons.

Also, I like the idea of living like a local. I love to look at people and from a distance, see how they operate, learn, live and all that. I like to experience routine but in new places. I fondly remember the Baristas at the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf at BGC. I almost became friends with the Barista at the Starbucks at the Marina Promenade. I think about people at the Kabra Starbucks store even though I haven’t been there in more than 10 days and I won’t go back for another 10.

I can call this way of life “living local in a global village” and I think I would love to roam around communities across the world and immerse myself as a local there. In fact, I started this piece with a quip on home. May be I am one of those people that aren’t meant to have a home. May be the nature of my nature to have homes in all the communities that I get to live in?

Of course, I know the flaw in this – my life has largely been spent in privileged communities (MDI Campus, Nahar, Address, DN Nagar etc) and I may not enjoy this local living in a global village If I were to live in harsh places.

So, with the awareness of this privilege, I am grateful that I get to have many homes in many places in the world. I hope I can create more such homes for more such people like me that dont have homes. Maybe this is the purpose that I chase. Maybe this is why I am alive. Maybe.

I guess this is it. If you reached till the end of this piece, please do let me know what you think. Am I ok? Or do I need help :D?

PS: If this has been established that I would live on the road, out of a suitcase, I think I need to be more present in EACH thing I do. While I enjoy doing many things and multi-tasking, I think I will want to live each moment as fully as I can. So, henceforth, I will bring my 100% attention and intention to each task that I do. While I will want to optimise things (say listen to podcasts while I am in transit), for each human interaction, I will give my 100%. If you see me giving any less, do point it out. If you see me checking my phone while talking to someone, please point it out. If you see me replying to emails while running an online meeting, please point it out. If you see me eating and watching TV, please point out.

That’s it! More later!