A super-short-post about what I did yesterday and what I am thinking about. Not much to read to be honest.
9:15. A friend’s office. Here cos I needed to work and I couldn’t do that at home. Not that the home is not comfortable but there are way too many distractions here. So that. I am hoping to work from here for a large part of the day.
In terms of updates from yesterday, the highlight has to be this 19-year old that I met yesterday. He sort of exactly knows what he wants in life and where he wants to be and the path he needs to take to reach there. I was left speechless after I spoke to him. I was impressed beyond words. I mean I do have other young people that I spend time with but this one was like none other. At 38, twice his age, I dont have a fraction of the clarity that he has. Kids these days!
Apart from that the day yesterday was sort of busy with work. Had way too many calls to attend and too many things to do. Time just went like poof! Need to find a solution to this fuckery. Let’s see when and how.
What else?
I am sort of out of clues. Thing is, I am writing this at 9:30 when the day has started and the mind’s already occupied with things that need to be done during the day. Maybe more tomorrow. Or may be this morning pages thingy is going to wither down like people do.
A short post about how I spent yesterday. Some rants about life, time, health, massages and other things.
8:40. Ahmedabad.
Today I leave Ahd and go to Delhi.
No my work here is not done. But I am done with the place. I can stay longer and all that but need a change in the scenery.
Taking a train. No, I dont like it. But desperate times call for desperate measures. So this is as desperate as it goes. All the money I made in the last few months has been poured into LHV and the next short film. No, it’s not a bad thing. It’s a tradeoff at best. And I am ok with it.
Both these things are exactly where I want to be in life – venture capital, films. These are the building blocks that I am putting in right now for the future. Just that I am almost 40 and there is no future in sight. Sigh!
Anyhow.
So yesterday was fairly ok. I was at a Starbucks in the first half. Got done a lot of things that needed to be done. And then I met a few friends. Pitched the idea for C4E Base. Got rejected. Met more friends. Jammed on other things that could be done. Caught on an afternoon nap (must get regular with these). Woke up and worked again.
I think it was the perfect day.
Except that when I went to bed, I was in that #foreveralone fetal position till I found sleep. Need to do something about it. No, I dont want shaadi. Neither do I want steady love. Have had enough of those and dont think I want to invest energies anymore. Unless some miracles happen. Never say never, as they say.
So, the good part or bad part of being on the road is that you know that you are short of time and you try to make the max of whatever you have. I mean I am writing this from the breakfast table. Otherwise, I would have waited to get to a Starbucks and then write. You know, am trying to max out my time. I anyway like this life where I am rushed all the time. Just that the rush has to be caused by me and not by others. The slow life is not for me.
I must mention that most of my conversations with people here in Ahmedabad have reinforced the belief that life is short. Time is shorter. Especially for people like me who are old, un-rich, almost intelligent, and still do not know where they want to land in life.
So that.
Ok. Let’s move to frivolous things.
The other day my mom told me to meet one of my relatives here in Ahd. Her specific instructions were to wear pants and be well-groomed when I went. Lol. She knows me too well. So, I went for a haircut and all that. While I was there, I was tempted to get a head massage. And I did. And oh man, it was the worst massage in the history of mankind. I mean I would have questioned the very existence of the masseuse if I was in the mood. But then I let go. The good part is, I realized how much I love massages. I must must make it a part of my daily routine and life once I get back to a regular life post the trek. #note2self
The thing with the trek is, I have less than 10 days to go and I am not in great shape at all. The deviated septum is getting deviated all the more. I am eating like a pig. I haven’t walked at all in the last 10 days. Once I reach Delhi tomorrow, I am hoping I would try and get some semblance going. I can at least try breathing exercises if nothing else. I really want to come back alive and do more things with my time :D.
So yeah. I guess this is it for the day. See you guys tomorrow. Hopefully. I mean it’s 270 days. I wish I could extend it to 300 but theek hai. Such is life.
A quick post about a day when I am uncharacteristically happy. About nothing in specific. Read on!
8:19. Starbucks.
Second last day in Mumbai for this stint. The move has been surprisingly smooth. I mean it had all the snafus and fubars and all that (shifting, packing, misplacing things, breaking things that I am sentimental about, etc) but more or less it was an ok experience. The advantages of not having a lot of things! Minimalism +1!
Even though I slept with a heavy heart (not sure why – may be cos I am not doing well at work, may be I am not feeling loved by the ones I want to be loved by, may be it’s just because I am moving away from Mumbai) but when I woke up, I was surprisingly in a great mood. May be because I did not eat a lot yesterday and my system is feeling clean. Lol. May be because we wrapped the shoot of the next short (but I did not play any role in it apart from funding it). May be I spoke to an artist (Manmeet Narang – see this video) that I am a big fan of and that interaction left me inspired. May be it’s the fabulous weather – some sunshine, some rains, a lot of wind – exactly the kinds I’ve experienced in my trips to colder counties.
I dont know what it is but I am in the zone. I feel relaxed, content, in the moment. A rarity for someone like me that is all over the place, all the time.
As I write this, I am perched on a high table, hunched over my laptop and I am grooving to the music on my headphones. If you are curious, I heard this, this and now I am on this. I just hope this, whatever this is, continues. I must preserve this with all I have. I must try and reach this place, this feeling as often as I can. If only I knew how to. Let’s see.
So, the best part of yesterday was that I managed OMAD. It was pretty simple actually. All I had to do was not eat till about 12 and then occupy myself with work, meetings, and all that. Reminds me of the rant from a few days ago about food – that you eat when you are stressed, you are social or you are habituated. I removed all three yesterday. And I could manage. Let’s see how it goes today. I do have a long day with a lot of work and a lot of stressful phone calls to make. But I shall prevail. In fact, someone just shared this with me…
This is such a simple statement and yet so powerful. I must make the clear decision to stay away from things that drag me down, even if it’s work. I need to become unfuckwithable. And chase this contentment and chase greatness and chase impact and all that. Of course, these are very very wide statements and at some point, I need to crystalize these, and I will. But, definitely a #note2self
Oh, today also happens to be Shubhi’s birthday. She’s one of those rare people that I can bare my soul in front of. No other thoughts to be honest. Just wanted to put this here. She is that important.
I guess this is about it for the day. Time to get started. Like I said, I have a long day ahead. Let’s see how I end the day.
Here’s the streaks.
OMAD – 1. Managed it yesterday. I sort of decided that I will spend the next few days trying to get in some sort of shape for EBC. Even though I am very late for it. But I will do whatever I can.
A shortpost lamenting about lack of money, fancy things, audience and more. Damn these ranty and negative posts!
8:30. Starbucks. Somewhere in Lower Parel. I am here yet again. Second time in less than a week or so. Work. Sigh. I am now realising how incredible a waste of time this face to face meetings are, especially when it’s mere transactional work. TBH, today is not transactional per se. This one is an important meeting. But this could very well have been a Zoom call. But theek hai. Kaam hai. Karo.
So, yesterday I was supposed to start a 48-hour fast. But I ended up eating like a pig. That was coming out of famine. I ate whatever I saw. Even if the taste was BS and all I ate was fried in oil that was already heated and re-heated a million times. As a result, my stomach has revolted. I have this funny feeling in my gut. I dont know what to do to solve it. I remember Vijesh telling me that each time you are unwell, just fast for 3 days and have just coconut water. So lemme try that today. I mean today I will have to have a lot of green tea (aka ghaas ka paani) as I am on the road but I can have coconut water from tomorrow on. Let’s see.
Also, yesterday, a funny thing happened. I have to log it in here. I am part of the team that is making a short film. For that, since it’s an indie film, we need to save as much money as we can. The team decided that they would pick things from our respective homes and houses and decorate the set. They thus decided to come over to my place. And when they were decided that, I realized that I hate to let strangers come over to my space for inspection. I dont have anything to hide. I have just a handful of things. Even those, most are packed already. I keep my place mostly tidy. But when the decision was made to come over to my place, I was fucked in my head. And these were people that I trust and love and care for and all that. And for a project that would help me go beyond in life. And yet I heard my pit growl. I dont know what it is about getting people in places where I live.
I remember last year when I lived at a fancier place, during the lockdown, VG and AS came over on some frivolous pretext. I was mindfucked for a week after that. The same thing happened when I lived in a fancy locality but a fuckall house. I think it’s my insecurity at the inability to make enough to stand shoulder to shoulder with my peers. I need to think more about this at some point in time in life. Let’s see when. #toThink
Oh, I got paid for a project that I had done in June. This means I can now fund the film that I spoke about earlier. And more importantly, I can pay my people. Yay!
Ok. Moving on. Next thing. Today.
For starters, I am gonna try and fast today.
Today looks like a bad day. In the sense that I am already in unchartered waters (wearing pants, formal shirt, carrying shoes, at a place that is known for poshness). Plus way too many things open with way too many projects for one of my clients. Plus the growling stomach and the parched heart. Wah. Parched heart. I wish I was more famous and my words found more homes.
I just hope that I can avoid the temptation to eat while I am zipping thru the town. Of course, I have discovered that as long as I am busy in my head, I can. So maybe I need to do that. Keep myself occupied. With what? I dont know yet. Let’s see.
Guess this is it for the day. I shall report back how it is tomorrow.
A quick post about food, habits and clothes. And then some gyaan.
9:31. At the Starbucks. Even though I woke up at 7, I puttered around the house. I had bought shoes and some other things yesterday from a Decathlon and I just wanted to sort of unpacking. And torture myself with the thoughts of wearing those when I am on my way to EBC.
Oh, I am wearing better clothes since yesterday. I mean not old, fata hua tees. But better shirts and all that. I wore a Kurta (or the closest garment I had to one) for Rakhi at M&m. And today, I am wearing a shirt that I would otherwise reserve for an office, in-person meeting.
No, it’s not cool. Neither it offers any comfort. But I have decided to mould myself to the ways of the world. Enough of gareebi. I just need to learn fake smiles and social conversations and some humor and I would be on my way to becoming a Steve Jobs. Lol. Wishful thinking.
The other good thing that happened was that I managed a 46-hour fast. On a whim. I have realised that the age-old adage is correct – that you eat food only when you are in a societal construct (meeting people, friends, family etc). Or when you are bored. Or you are habituated. You know, you want a chai as soon as you wake up.
So, Saturday and Sunday, I kept myself very very busy. And that helped. I need to now fill my calendar with things. The flip side is that I won’t get to work out. But I know I would be able to avoid eating.
The tough part was to say no to all the awesome things that VG’s place had. And then I had to meet some colleagues. I was tempted to pick from their plates but I did not. I did have a tiny morsel of Coconut from M. And then another tiny piece of cake from the colleague whose birthday we were celebrating. So I can say that I could avoid the societal constructs easy.
The habit is the thing that I need to work on. I mean I have to do a couple of video calls today and I will do those from SJ2’s place. And that means I will probably go buy kachra. And that’s because I am habituated. Need to break this chain.
So that.
Oh, I was to move houses on the weekend but I didn’t. I just did not feel like it. Not that I did a lot but I just did not feel like it. The move is now moved to the next weekend. And that is a time that I dont have an option to shift indiscriminately. I mean I need to vacate the house by the 2nd. So, I know what am doing the next weekend! And I hate hate hate this shifting and all that. It’s way too soul-sucking. But then, a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. Of course, I will add another post to the series of posts that I write when I move.
I think this is it for the day. Need to get going. Here’s streaks.
OMAD – 2. Ate after a 46-hour fast. Let’s see if I can manage OMAD today as well.
A quick post where the only highlight is that I am on a 32-hour fast as it gets published.
6:52. Yet again, sleepless. I think it’s all the tea I am having. I haven’t had coffee in a while. Oh, and, I did manage a fast yesterday. As we speak, I haven’t had anything since 10 PM on the 20th. So, I am well past 24 hours. Let’s see how much can I stretch this. The only time I would be tempted to eat would be when I meet M at around 11:30. If I can avoid eating at that time, I can try and push it to 48 hours. So that!
In “news from yesterday”, it was, well, an interesting day. Did some work. Sent some emails. Saw some motivational videos. Thought a lot about life. Gave gyaan on Team SG Aug 21 Group. I then actually sat at a coffee shop (Blue Tokai, not Starbucks) and did not have my phone (not that I planned, the battery had run out) and thought about where I am in life and where I want to be. It was one of those rare sessions where I thought deeply about things. And not merely reacted to things happening in my head. It was tough, to be honest. But it was good. I found some answers. I am still grappling with some. I hope I can do more such sessions more often.
So that.
There’s this thing that I wanted to write about yesterday but I could not. Lemme put this out today. So I am like one of those people that if left alone with an ax in the forest, will chop the damn forest down. I first heard this phrase in one of Dr. Peterson’s videos. I can’t find the link right now but if I do, I will insert it here. So, I am that. What he means is that there are some people that can’t sit idle even if they have all they crave for, want, need et al. So I am that. I have to have something to work on. More the merrier. And I dont say no to incoming work even if I am loaded like the man who’s been given the target to chop the damn forest!
Oh, by the way, the track I am tripping onto these days is this.
There’s something about acoustic music. I cant pin point but I really really dig it.
Ok, it’s 8:22. I am the Powai Starbucks. This is where I wrote #tnks. I miss those days. Time seemed like an academic concept with little or no relevance or blue. Oh, the exuberance and hope that young age gifts you. I would sit here from the time they open for 2-3 hours. Write to my hearts content. And then go work. To be honest, I was probably not even sure of what I was working on. I was following the herd that I’ve been a part of. And that was alright. I mean we all make mistakes. All I can do is prevent the next generation from making the mistakes I made. If only I could become a persuasive communicator.
So that.
What else?
Nothing much. I am really gunning for a 48-hour fast. M will try and feed me. I will see if I can just taste it a bit. You know like a morsel.
Quick update that I am not even sure that counts as morning pages. I am supposed to start my day with these but I did not.
10:03! Really.
This is probably the most late I’ve been on morning pages. Multiple things are at play. Woke up late. Client calls that I couldn’t avoid. Work calls that I could not avoid. And then general fuckery in life and all. But der aaye, durust aaye.
So, yesterday was quite ok. The day was ok. Did some yoga. Did some work. Slacked a bit. Walked a bit. Met Prak. Gave away things that she owned. Packed another bag. Couldn’t go to the beach. Which is ok. If I could only eat less, it would’ve been perfect!
Today looks like a busy day. Not too many calls but quite a few things need to be done. Let’s see when I get those done. Once I am done with those, I need to finish whatever is left to pack. I plan to move this weekend. Let’s see.
In things at the top of my head, I am thinking about something that’s been gnawing at me for long. My inability to create a roaring success. Lemme spend a min on this. There are two kinds of successes – mild and wild. Mild – comfortable house, pension, a loving family, and all that. Wild – change the world kinds. I crave wild success more than anything else in the world. And I am yet to even see even a glimpse of mild success. I can’t even put myself and wild success in one sentence. I want it so bad that I am willing to give an arm and leg for that. Really. I can. I will, if someone shows me the way!
I do know that there’s some variance needed for wild success. And that may happen today, tomorrow. Or never. But I am surprised that even mild hasn’t happened to me. Plus, saw this yesterday and was triggered…
This popped on my browser.
I do think I am smart. I do think that I am resourceful. Ok, I may be a dreamer but I do think I have the chops needed to make it rich and see mild success, if not wild.
And yet I dont have. Ankit Pandey tells me that “Dhan yog aur rajyog ki dasha nahi aai hai. Simple.”
But then, the question remains, kab aaegi ye dasha?
So let’s see. If you believe in God, or Universe or whatever, please pray that I get to it soon. A lot needs to be done in life 😀
The other thing that I need to capture for posterity is that I reached out to Team MML and shared with them what I am going thru. These boys are like the last resort that I can confide in. I mean who else will I go to? Anyhow. So, even though most of us don’t talk anymore as much as we should, it was really comforting to have a set of people that trust me, that will not judge me for all my failures and shortcomings. I wish I had was better at making and retaining friends.
That’s about it for the time being. I hope I am not this late next time on.
Here’s streaks.
OMAD – 0. Ate 10 times. 10 things 🙁
#book2 – 0
#noCoke – 162
#noCoffee – 5. Wow! Let’s see if I can make it without coffee till Nov.
#aPicADay – 0
Money spent – 659 (and bought three flight tickets)
Killer Boogie – 0
10K steps a day – 0
Surya Namaskar – 0. Havent done as yet.
10 mins of meditation – 0
Minimaslism Counter – -2
Morning Pages / Meditations – 252
P.S.: Technically morning pages had to be the first thing I do in the morning. Today I did not. So technically my streak is gone :(. But then, I did publish this in the first half. So, cutting myself slack 😀
A quick note about things on the top of my head. I talk about moving on from this house, relationships, music, life and death!
6:24. This one is going to be short and sweet. I have to be on the road at 7:15 tops. Have a meeting at Worli and I need to find a Starbucks for that. And then have another meeting at 11. There itself. And then another meeting at 1 after that. This day shall be spent on the road. And in talking. Much like a large part of yesterday. Sigh. No, I am not enjoying this. But theek hai. This is where we are. This is what I have to do till I figure the next steps.
The thing with the f2f meeting is that I need to wear pants and shoes. The two things that I have come to hate more than anything else. Especially since the lockdown. I will of course carry a pair of chappals in a bag that I will wear as soon as I am out of the meeting. Thank God I dont have smelly feet. So that helps.
Today’s post has no structure. I will merely dump things that are on top of my head. Let’s go…
A. Have started to pack the house. I am now in that stage where I have accepted that I am moving on. I have accepted that this place is a thing of the past. The problem-solving mind in me has taken over and now I am thinking of the best way to pack and move on. I could choose cartons. Or I could choose suitcases. Or bags. I need to optimize for sturdiness, convenience, cost, and more. So I settled on those big Ikea bags. Have ordered a few of those (and some more things). Let’s see if I can pack when they come. I am also making stacks of things that I need to send to various people – one for SG2, one for PM, one for SJ, one that needs to be given away, and then some more for more people. If all goes well, I will move my effects by this weekend.
I am thinking, will my life be this organized when I finally move on? You know, all things stacked neatly in bags / cartons? No spec of dust around. Whoever walks through my effects would be amazed to find that I was always this planned. Oh, btw, the other day I starting making a sheet of all the things I own. So far I have just touched the tip of the iceberg and I am already tired. When you live, you dont spot those things but when it comes to making a list, you realise how much you have. Need to reduce drastically. For the ones curious, the sheet is here. Do lemme know what you think of this.
B. Good part of yesterday is that I went to the beach and sat there for a bit. While I was there, I reaslied that for all the stoic things I read, I am probably as un-stoic a person as they come. I am attached to people. I expect things without expecting them. I crave their attention. I seek their validation. A lot of my misery in the last few days is a direct result and outcome of this very thing. You know, on one side, not expecting. And on the other, expecting a lot. I am trying hard to detach. I have started with things. I have moved on from most people. Need to move on from whatever handful I am left attached to.
Another lens is that till about 6 months back I was thinking about how would I make ends meet. Now that that’s not a problem, I am now at a higher-level problem. Of belonging and all that. Maslow, you bugger!
And thus the snafus in my head. More on this someday.
C. I want to now come to a point in life where I dont need a laptop. I should be able to merely get things done from a phone. You know, I dont want to do. I want to manage. Which I was, for the most part when I did events. But since I pivoted to marketing / content, a lot needs to be done. By me. You know, quality. So that’s one of the things I am working towards.
D. Day 250. This is the 250th day of a non-stop streak of writing morning pages. I have not missed these even one day! I think I am incredibly proud of this. I dont think I have shown this much rigor, this much attention, and this much perseverance with anything ever. I hope I can continue this till the 16th of Sep (when I go for my annual break). The bigger challenge would be to pick this up once I am back. Because once that rhythm is broken, you know how it is.
E. Anne Reburn. I am hooked on this cover of Country Roads. By an artist called Anne Reburn. She is so good! The track has a tiny twist. Do see it.
I have to meet Anne at some point in time in life and I will probably request her to play this for me. #lifeGoal. Of course, the keyword is “request”. As an artist, she chooses what she showers on me. In fact, this is the shift that has happened in my head. Rather than “demanding” from people that I adulate, people I am in awe of, people I admire, people I take inspiration from, I now “request” them to give me whatever they can spare. It is no longer about “taking” from them. It’s about “learning” from them.
Guess this is about it. It’s 6:51. I need to be out of the house in less than 15 mins. Over and out.
I know this is a short post. But I am glad I got it in. Had a lot on my head. Phew!
Here’s streaks…
OMAD – 0
#book2 – 0. Streak. 000
#noCoke – 160
#noCoffee – 3
#aPicADay – 0
Money spent – 4647
Killer Boogie – 0
10K steps a day – 0
Surya Namaskar – 0. Not doing today either. Unless some miracle happens.
A shortPost on what I am changing in my life from today on!
8:09. Starbucks. I changed something today. I dint write as soon as I woke up. Rather, I puttered around. Played some chess (lost both the games). Did 12 Surya Namaskaras (yay!). And then reached Starbucks.
And here I am. On my morning pages. And I will write till 8:30. Sharp. And then 5 minutes to tag things in my notes. And then work. I think I can do with this routine.
So the highlight of yesterday has to be that I walked for a bit and went and sat at the seaside at Versova. This is what I will miss once I am not in Mumbai. To be honest, it was tough to be with myself. But I managed for a few minutes and it was indeed a good thing.
I also had a Frooti (or was it a Slice?) yesterday once I came back from the walk. I was dying to have a Diet Coke. I dont know what it is about staring at the sea and Diet Coke. I had to have one. But then, streaks. So I replaced it with whatever non-fizzy, non-sugary thing the store had. And somehow I settled on a mango-drink.
And yeah, it was tasty. I had had one after I dont know how long.
In other news, I did a session with a few young people I work with. The youngest was 19. Oldest, 25. There were 6 of them and I talked to them about SoG Book. This was my attempt at researching for the book. The kind of things they want to read and understand. It was fascinating to talk to them. I realized that what I have on SoG is not something that these kids would want to read. They of course have questions and doubts and all in their heads. But what I have is entirely different from what they want. So, back to the drawing board.
Starting Keto from today. And I started SNs as well. Enough. I think the darkness of the last few days is being caused by the kachra I am eating. So I am going to fix it. It is tough with all the ease and accessibility and all that. I will fall back to the age-old tested methods of chewing onto chewing gum all the time, drinking water all the time, and eating OMAD. I somehow need to stop with the stress eating. I can’t really control stress – there are things in my life that I am missing. There are things in life that could be better. But I know that I can’t control those. So, why bother.
Rather, fix the reaction to the stress. You know, not succumb to stress!
So that.
Ok. 8:32. Time to get on with the day. Here’s streaks…
OMAD – 0
#book2 – 1. Did some work on SoG Book.
#noCoke – 158
#noCoffee – 1. Had none. Had chai rather.
#aPicADay – 0
Money spent – 4540
Killer Boogie – 0
10K steps a day – 0
Surya Namaskar – 0. Did 12 rounds today. If I manage tomorrow, I will add to the streaks.
A shortPost to start the day. Minds blank and I dont know what to write. So, short post.
7:00. Woke up a few minutes ago. The highlight of yesterday has to be that I could manage OMAD. Even though I ate a ton of crap while I ate yesterday, but I ate it all in one go. And no ice cream. No sandwiches. No snacks before or after that. If I can do OMAD today again, I think I can start a streak. Plus, it’s a well-established fact that unless I have someone apart from me, I can’t work out. I will need a coach or something for when I start the workout. The only thing I can do for the time being is to control what I eat. So that. Need to try and eat only one time today. And maybe, whatever I decide to eat, I will try and order something “healthy”.
So that.
The highlight of yesterday was a meeting with a writer to talk about a short film that we may get to make at RCP and C4E. While I may not agree with a lot of things that people are doing with the film, I think I am one of those that let others decide and do things. You know, I dont interfere and pile on random ideas that I am brimming with all the time. I just hope that I am able to make my own film someday. The way things are going, I think it’s tough.
Brings me to another thing that is buried somewhere in my conscious. A head-on plunge into the world of films. I have thought that once I have taken care of my debt and I have enough in the bank to live without pay for 3 years, I will plunge into the world of filmmaking. Like head-on. And do things for free if I have to. But will be in the thick of things and start from the bottom up, if required. I would be 40+ in all probability unless some miracle happens. But whenever that happens, I will be there. Late bloomers you know. #lifeGoal!
And then I will give 5ish years or so to films before jumping the gun and going back to the next profession. Lol! WTF am I on? I think I remain as fickle-minded as I was since I was a kid.
Sigh. No more words.
Anyhow. Time to get going with the day. Here’s streaks
OMAD – 1
#book2 – 0. Have missed this three days in a row. Thankfully Starbucks is open today. And thus I can try and get some words on. Let’s see.
