270121 – Morning Pages

Rant. Don’t read. Trigger Warning (TW).

6:25.

I have had a fitful sleep. And I had a really bad day yesterday. And I am mindfucked like I’ve never been before.

I had an important meeting and like all important meetings I ensured that I was on time and I was ready and all and just when I had the meeting, the Internet stopped. I mean I know that Goa doesn’t offer the most reliable internet but it sucked af that it went away a minute before the meeting was to start!

Today I have another important meeting. If there is any interruption on the internet today, I promise I will fucking go back to Mumbai. Or Delhi. I have to include this in my ultimate guide of working from Goa that if your work requires synchronous video calls, you either live in Panjim (the city) or you do not consider Goa as a place to be. I am not even sure what would happen in monsoons.

The other thing that I am thinking a lot about and I don’t know how to stop thinking about is the ongoing farmer’s protest. I thought I knew all about the issue and how the new laws will fuck the lives of farmers even more. How the laws are against the long-term interest of farmers. How large companies will dictate terms and squeeze farmers even more. But then more narratives, probably sponsored by the very large companies (that stand to benefit) started coming out. And those are compelling, paint a contrasting picture and so lucid in their arguments that I am actually thinking that the laws may actually benefit the farmers. And the nation. Fuck, now I don’t even know what to believe anymore.

Which to be honest is ok. I anyway don’t know a lot about a lot of issues that I should be knowing about. I don’t vote. I don’t know a thing about anti-muslim propaganda. I don’t know about issues of the LGBTQi community. I have been on the fence about the battle between natives and migrants in almost all states. I don’t know the reason why people are super attached to the idea of their God being better than others. Or why your community, city, state, religion, the country is better than others, and how everyone else needs to convert to your religion. I remained out of action on the CAA and NRC even though it was as archaic, unfair as anything else ever has been.

But I don’t like the idea of divide and rule. And brainwashing simple people (like me — I don’t understand complex arguments, neither am I bright to know the long-term repercussions of the new rules and laws that we are creating). The worse is the use of force. Fucking barbaric. Something that we could have done when life was all about survival in caves. The world is almost ready to establish a colony on Mars and here we are. Gloating over the victory of mandir wahin banaenge. I mean Bhagwan Shree Ram was for real, would he want to bless a temple that took years of battles and I don’t know how many dead bodies to make?

God is a mythical thing. I understand that some people may want to take solace that there’s a higher power, omnipresent that looks after you. Heck, in my weakest moments I have also thought about God. I have asked for kindness. I can remember two distinct times when I had to rely on God. Once to save a friend from a disease. Once for an event that I made a mess of. Both times things worked out. I don’t know if it was God or what. But I can totally see how people can get attached to these and start believing in God. I mean even I walked some 20 km to Siddhi Vinayak once. May be there is God after all. May be we do have meta-spiritual mystical powers that help all those tarot card readers and astrologers make a living. Good for them.

But force? Coercion? I mean, a comedian is in jail in MP for saying something derogatory against the Hindu Gods. An educated family killed their daughters over something that a priest told them. The Dalits are oppressed to date. Wait. WTF is even a Dalit? Or a Hindu? Each person is human irrespective of caste, gender, sexual preference. Arent we are freak accidents? Did we not get dealt a had that we could not choose in the ovarian lottery? Who decides that someone is a Dalit or a Suvarna or Upper Caste? That baba with a long flowing beard that plays frisbee and drives Mercs and teaches you the art of “living” is talking about how the government needs to cede control over places of worship to the devotees. Isn’t that inciting people?

Fuck I am so so ignorant. Vegetating. Happy in the bubble around me in my head that, “Wow, Mr. Garg, you are in Goa. You are the coolest. You are away from the mess. And you have all the sunshine and stray dogs and fucking unreliable Internet for company.”

Fuck!

Back to the incidents of yesterday.

I remember I called my parents (they live in Delhi) and I remarked in passing that there’s a rally and I hope that it’s peaceful and all. My father commented on how it would be – he grew up with farmers! And then I forgot about it (yeah, forgot about it – I am that indifferent, that casual). And then while I was in a meeting, I took a break to pee and checked Twitter. And saw images from the Red Fort. About how the protest had turned violent and people (both on the side of the farmers and cops) were hurt. Some farmers died, some cops got injured, and how the separatists have infiltrated the movement.

Since then, I have been reading non-stop. My eyes hurt. My head hurts. There’s no internet and yet I am non-stop tapping on refresh on my phone even in my sleep. About how Nishan Sahib is different from the Khalistani Flag. And how the Tiranga was disrespected. And how religious symbolism (a saffron flag atop Babri Masjid) is never good. And yet these symbols move nations.

It took my country to burn to make me take note of how ignorant I am.

The thing that makes it worse is that people I respect, the ones that I believe are progressive and think of India first and humanity first and are apparently good in their hearts and heads are making some of the most flawed arguments. No, I don’t want to name them. And yes, the arguments I think are flawed may be the most sensible ones and yet the commonsensical brain in me is unable to digest those.

Someone rightly said once. Heroes fall. I need to get over this hero-worship mode that I am perpetually in.

Oh, any in Goa, at least the places am hanging out at? They don’t even know what’s happening in Delhi. They are happier that unlike the rest of the country, there’s no dry day in Goa on Republic Day.

Fuck it’s sickening. I can totally related to Chris and other such people. There’s merit in being a hippy. And there’s merit in being a Satoshi. Or even a Che for that matter. Take shit in your hands and dictate terms on how you would live, even if the understanding is limited or flawed af.

No, I am not saying Chris, Che, Satoshi, Mohandas, or any of those legends were flawed. They could have been. But they took a call and did things that they felt or thought or considered right. Unlike me. I can’t even seem to make a living, leave alone thinking independently. I am a random fuck stuck in a rut.

The other day I was happy ecstatic that I seem to have found yet another way to discharge my calling as a person. And today, I am

I am reminded of three lines as I end this. I may get the articulation wrong but they went something like…

One. “jinhe naaz hai, hind par wo kahan hai?

Rabbi did a brilliant take on this. Here. We need more Rabbi’s. More Dylans. And not Badhshahs or Gurus. Fuck, not even Lucky Ali. I don’t believe that I am saying this. I’ve been a fan since I was a child. We don’t need stories and hymns of unrequited love no more. We rather need poets and writers and singers and other popular people to take a stand and educate the masses on these issues. Someone needs to put some sense. Atleast in me. And others. Fuck it sucks that I don’t have an iota of a clue about what’s happening around us.

Two. “Ek zabardast toofan aaye aur uda de chuppi ki duniya

I first saw this on a tee at People Tree. I think this is by Faiz. I am unable to find a source though. But to me, it means that you need some earth-shattering thing to happen and nudge you into action. I have thought about this often. I have seen some great things, good times, bad times, even times when I thought life was meaningless. But these lines always drag me back. I am waiting for almost 40 years now. Half my life is over. And yet there’s been no toofan. And there’s been no impact, no dent, no headway that I’ve made. It sucks to be like this.

Really.

Three. Pale Blue Dot.

By Carl Sagan. The long-text is here. See the video below. The pertinent lines that I go back to often are…

The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that, in glory and triumph, they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot. Think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of this pixel on the scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner, how frequent their misunderstandings, how eager they are to kill one another, how fervent their hatreds.

– Carl Sagan
Pale Blue Dot. Carl Sagan.

So that’s that.

I think I am done for the day.

I am still confused, stifled, angry, sad, and all that. There’s so much happening that I don’t even know how to process. All I can do is rant and speak out loud in the wilderness of the Internet.

And no, there’s book2 today.

How can I? My country is burning and fucking am thinking about writing books. To what end? To give that escape to whoever reads what I write? Do we need the escape? Or do we need to act? And fix shit?

Well, who am I to talk about these things? I don’t know a thing about the real world or real life. I don’t even vote.

Of course, I hope tomorrow is better.

And if it’s not, I hope I can move onto the next thing that distracts me. That’s how I think life will pass by – moving from one distraction to another. Without taking a stand on one.

Over and out.

120121 – Morning Pages

I talk about the two kinds of people – the one that want to stay with their families and the ones that leave the safe havens behind.

7:51 AM
This one would be short, I have to be somewhere. I have till 8:30 to write this.

I slept fitfully (guess that’s cos all the coffee I had?) but I did have a dream. That I can remember. Been a while since I had one of those. About Lucky Ali. And Rabbi Shergill. Both rolled into one artist. I somehow track this hybrid artist down and get to spend time with him and talk to him about all his friends from the past. It’s funny that I created an artist that’s the combination of these two. In that chat, this new artist mentioned KJ Paji, Vishal Bhardwaj, and another one that’s lost forever. Funny are the ways of life!

So, apart from this, yesterday was an eventful day. Among the most exciting things to have happened is that I found some money on a random hill near Baga. This is the second time this year that I have found money on the road. Like the one I spotted on the 1st of this year, even this one was uncanny. I was on a random hill, in almost pitch-dark (save for the glow from a mobile phone). Are these the signs of the tide turning? I even got a call from a placement consultant about a potential role. Again, something that hasn’t happened in a while! Yay!

Of course, I fucked my system by eating Maggi, Fried Rice, Ajinomoto (:D), and our old nemesis, Diet Coke. I have to say, I love eating. Thing is, I love eating things that I love anyway. I am not much for experimenting with food. If I were the kinds to have a great metabolism, I would love to eat Dal Makhani every day. I’ll probably eat Maggi often. I love the crisps like a man possessed. But then, all these are foods that are “rich” in complex carbs and oils and I don’t know what all. Need to stop with these.

The other thing that I did yesterday and I have to talk about this evening I spent with some locals. Well, local not as in someone from Goa but someone who’s been working here for over 5 years. The dude has been around and had his family back home.

So he took me to this rock beyond Baga that most people just ignore. It’s a 5-minute hike from the hustle and bustle and once you are there, all you see is darkness all around you. Except for this restaurant (called Tulum, is romantic af) on a rock, in the middle of nowhere, and the Baga-Calangute-Candolim shoreline (the way you’d see from a boat in the sea). Neither the photos nor the words I use would do justice to the sight I had access to. I am recommending the spot to everyone I know for when they come to Baga. Some may romanticize the idea, some may balk at the trek but it is worth a visit. It is THE IDEAL example of a place that I had ever imagined in my head. In an earshot to civilization. Secluded. Offers a bird’s eye view. You know the kinds you get from a high-rise? This is just high-far from the shore. I’d love to make it my home if I could!

Tulum, Baga
Baga Calngute Shoerline

The thing that I want to think out loud about is that when I spoke to this person, the “local” from Goa, he talked about how life in Goa is good and not good at the same time. From the perspective of someone who works here. He talked about how he’s the only one from his family that has to miss his family functions. When the entire world is partying (around Diwali, New Year, Summer Vacations etc), he’s hard at work. He then took me to a place where the locals eat (cheap food, BYOB etc) and there we had few waiters that were from North-East. Again, hardworking boys. Quick on their feet. Good service. But inherent sadness in how they moved. The owner of the place seemed like a kind man but guess the sadness is of being away from their loved ones.

I think the world has two kinds of people.

One, where family, neighbors, friends, community, etc become everything that they stand for. They are content with less. When I say less I do not want to undermine their work or achievement. I am merely suggesting that they would put their family and relatives over anything material. And there’s nothing wrong with the choice they are making. Their life. Their choice. But at least till the time they are alive, they get to give peace, comfort, happiness to the ones around them. They become the rock of their structures and they add to the fabric of their cultures and societies.

And the second, like me, where the family is important, relationships are important but more important is the dent we make. And for that, we are willing to leave behind everything. Some of us get to make the dent and go down the history books. Some of us don’t and die in anonymity. But most times what we do impact a larger number of people than the type one. Again, I am not glorifying people like me. I am merely postulating.

Look at Elon. Bill. Steve. Jeff. They probably left their families for a long-time to be able to do what they’ve done.

Of course, the best option is to be able to do both one and two. And the odds of that happening is rare and takes a while before that happens. Except for some freak incidents where you are lucky and you find a vocation while you are with your family. For the large part, you need to assume that you will have to make a choice. And once you do that, you better stick to it.

So, it is imperative for us to understand who we are and what side are we on. Once that clarity happens in the head, I think things fall in place and life seems to start making sense. In my case, I know what side I am on. What side are you on?

And that I think is the message, note of the day. What do you think?

Oh, no #freewriting for #book2 today. Not right now at least. May be during the day. If that, I will add to this post. And if not, see you guys tom!