Category: Morning Pages

290521. Morning Pages

Attempt at working on #book2, with the help of a Coursera course. You may want to skip this to be honest.

8:01. I woke up a few minutes ago. I had slept at around 10 or something. So that’s 10 hours of sleep. Solid! I think I needed it cos I did not sleep well the day before. I know that this covering of sleep deficit doesn’t count per se but I have been more or less consistent with how I sleep in the last few days.

I was to fast yesterday but I could not. I ended up eating some 20 almonds and chocolate mousse. How will I ever lose weight 🙁 But then, that’s the only thing I ate (apart from some buttermilk and no coffee). Thing is, I could have stayed off food but I got bugged and bored, to be honest. And all of you know how it goes when you are bored! More bugged than bored.

Today is an important day. I have an important match to play. On a Ludo board. Against M. She’s bet her entire piggy bank against me! Knowing her, even though it’s a piggy bank, it would have more money than I can afford but I shall play. Not for money. But for pride 😀 Lol!

Anyhow. So, the thing is, I need to discover new music. I need a change from the same Coke Studios and acoustic versions that I listen to over and over again. Plus Youtube’s algorithm doesn’t throw new music at me anymore. Can’t blame. It must be confused that how can someone like Coke Studio and Restoration Videos and CS plays and reruns of Kapil Sharma! Here’s a screenshot from my YT homepage.

Here. My YT page that I start my day with.

So, I am thinking if I want to move to Spotify and if it’s worth listening to ads every 3 tracks? What do you think I can do? How do I find new music that I would like? Help!!!

Guess that’s about it for an update. Time to write for book2. For the book2, since everything else has seemed to have failed, I am enrolling for this course on Coursera where I hope I will be consistent enough to create a novel in the next 6 months. I will write this novel in public. In open. Here. On my blog. More or less on these morning pages. Let’s see how the experiment goes.

The first exercise is to write a few paragraphs to pitch an idea. Let me write those paragraphs. Here we go…

[Start]

The Caravan Serai is a story of an eponymous watering hole on a secluded beach in the touristy city of Goa that gets embroiled in controversy after a brawl. From there on, more troubles come crashing on the place that otherwise is home to cheerful guests and hospitable locals. To a point that the 80-year old single woman that runs the place and some regular patrons are forced to team up to save the place that’s been serving patrons for over 400 years.

On the other side is a local land shark that has been eyeing the Caravan Serai for some time. More than money, his motivation is to teach the old woman a lesson who’s refused to sell the Caravan Serai despite his aggressions over the years.

While this cat and mouse chase between the two sides is played out, the readers would learn that there’s a lot more to Caravan Serai, as a place. And to the story. This includes incidents and a curse going back 400 years when Goa was still a Portuguese colony and the pirates roamed free in the oceans.

Will the old lady succeed? Or will Caravan Serai fall?

[End]

I posted it here as well, in case. Not my best attempt but I think it does tell the story in its entirety. Last year I had written many more log lines. I will try to gather them around in one place. But this is it for the time being.

So, the next exercise is to write a logline. We all know that a logline is essentially that one sentence that describes your book / film in its entirety. It talks about the plot, the characters, the world in which the project is set, the antagonists, and the stakes.

Wow. That’s a lot.
But that’s the starting point. The logline becomes a guiding light that helps you get back on track, should you digress.

They say, this is the hardest part about writing a piece of fiction. And yet I am being asked to start from here. But then, commitment kar di, to kar di!

Lemme try writing some.

1. This is the story of jealousy, greed and lust told through the lens of myriad characters spread over 400 years, each trying to fight their own inner demons and seek closure.

2. Two groups of people spar over a famous watering hole in Goa and discover their own dark pasts as a 400-year curse watches over.

3. After a brawl at a bar, a middle-aged man discovers his true purpose in life.

4. A middle-aged man drifts to Goa and stumbles bang in the middle of a brawl that opens up a can of worms that makes him realise his true destiny.

5. A middle-aged man gets embroiled in a brawl and inadvertently sets in motion a chain of events that awakens a 400-year old curse.

6. A 400-year old curse turns two best friends into enemies out to kill each other and in the process, they unleash a string of crimes and murders on the sleepy state of Goa that will not stop till one of them is dead.

I don’t know which one would I go ahead with. In fact, probably none. I will revisit this for sure. But for the assignment, I will pick the sixth one (the one that I have highlighted). I like the first one as well. But I think 6th is better.

Ok. That’s it for the day.

Need to move along and get started. More tomorrow. Here’s streaks…

  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 167
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 2
  • OMAD – 0
  • #noCoffee – 0
  • #noCoke – 79
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • #book2 – 0. Could not write.
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 1. Did 12 rounds of Surya Namaskar.

280521. Quick Update

Quick and dirty post since I did not have a lot of time to write today. May revisit this during the day.

5:08 AM
This is the exact time when I would want to be up and write every day. In fact, I would want to wake up at 4 and then get in the groove by 4:30 and write from then on. And no, not write this morning pages per se but write to push my book.

But I haven’t been able to.
Neither will I be able to today!

Cos I am up early to work on a presentation that I should have worked on over the week but I slacked and slacked and slacked. I had the opportunity and time to work on it the last evening as well. But then I decided to go for a walk to complete my 10K steps. Which I did. Yay! But I couldn’t do the presentation. Damn!

But it’s cool. I have time before the presentation is due and I typically can wake easily with alarms. So I will manage it.

But, assuming I was up at 5, or 4:30, or something, and I was working on my morning pages (if not the book), today, I would have talked about the following…

1. My disappointment in me. At my age, I have little to show for. At every month end, I feel like a failure. You know, when I need to pay salaries and I find myself awfully short on cash! And often when I read about ordinary businesses doing extremely well.

2. The fact that I did Chandra Namaskar yesterday and I found it incredibly difficult to manage. I thought since I can pull 12 rounds of Surya Namaskar, Chandra Namaskar would be easy. Nah.

Yoga is tough, bro!

3. The promise to self that I will fast today. The last thing I had was around 8 PM yesterday. I plan to eat the next meal at 9 AM or later tomorrow. So, 36 odd hours. Trying to build the ability to do a 7-day fast in July and then 21-day sometime around December.

4. Or the fact that I am sick of Paneer. I’ve been on a vegetarian Keto meal and that means all I can eat is Paneer in various forms and shapes. And it’s been more than 10 days. I am definitely not losing weight. Definitely not losing inches. Definitely getting over whatever tiny liking I had for Paneer. Surprisingly, I have taken a fancy for Olives. Something that I hated all my life. To a point that I did not even eat that with a Pizza, while, I did like Pineapple on it 😀

5. Or I could talk about my laziness. You know, I am so lazy that I order water bottles rather than filing them up from a dispenser.
Ok.
Wait.
I am not lazy.
I seek convenience. It takes me on average a minute to fill in a one-liter water bottle. I drink about 8 of those in the day (and still not losing weight :() and that means I am looking at spending 8 minutes a day on filling of these bottles. Plus the 5 odd minutes I need every 3 days to replace the 20-liter jug on the dispense. Compare this to moving thumbs and magically seeing someone appear on your door with water.

6. I can also talk about how the syndicate I am doing is helping me talk to some really interesting people. To a point that I am enjoying chatting with them and picking up nuggets. I love this chase of new experiences. I really do. I wish I had a shakal that was a little better and I was a little less particular about edits and all. I would have pivoted my work towards becoming a talk-show host! May be, someday.

7. I can also talk about my newfound love for lemon and all things citrusy. I was the kinds to hate hate hate hate the tangy taste of a neembu. It was weird cos I grew up in Delhi where you had to have lemonade and other things if you had to survive the summers there. And then I’ve lived in Mumbai for at least 8 years on the trot now (wow, its 10 years in Mumbai over two stints), I did not start with the lemony things to get over the humidity.

But lately, I did. To be able to replace bland water with some taste that is not cola or sugary syrups. Damn this discipline for losing weight.

Plus, since I want to stay consistent with the thread of seeking convenience, I don’t really buy lemons and squeeze them or pulp them. I buy Dabur’s Lemoneez and just pour. And since I refuse to buy measures, I go by judgment – which in itself is poor af. So some days am sipping onto a concoction that’s sour af and other days, so mild that I crave for a Coke Diet Coke.

Diet Coke, ladies and gents is that love that I will probably never get to be with.

Sigh!

Guess this is about it. The presentation is calling.
Let’s see if I can revisit this during the day to work on #book2. Have made a promise to a Twitter friend that I will try and get a 7-day streak in.

Wish me luck!

And here’s streaks…

  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 166
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 1
  • OMAD – 0
  • #noCoffee – 0
  • #noCoke – 78
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • #book2 – 1. I am hoping to write today during the day.
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0

270521. Hello, Book 2

An attempt to get started with writing the next book.

7:34.
Woke up a few minutes. The first thing I did was check my phone. I’ve got into this stupid habit of looking at Instagram and Twitter and Whatsapp as soon as I am up. Need to break out of this. Thing is, I primarily look at my phone to check the time (I don’t use an alarm anymore) and as soon as I have access to a phone, I start fiddling with other apps. And then like Alice, I go down the rabbit hole of other people and their fabulous lives! I’ll try to limit that over the next few days.

So, agenda for the day.
Try and write on book2 for an hour or so. Till about 8:30 or 8:45.
No, nothing from the heart or whatever.
Book 2 takes priority.

Here we go…

So on book2, while I know more of my protagonists and I have a vague idea of the antagonist as well, I dont know how the battle of wits would look like. There is this ultimate treasure that both these parties are chasing. I am struggling to write the parts where I would hide these. And while these two parties slug it out, I need to make this about a larger philosophy and the ideology. Let’s see what comes out…

“How are we to decode what people wrote back then? So much has changed since they must have hidden the treasure.” The rational Rujuta asked Chintan.

“Rujuta, it’s similar to any other investigation you run. You have morsels for clues. You chase the trail and it eventually leads you to the place of leak. And then you dig further and you would eventually find the answer. You need to not give up.” Chintan was more articulate than that but guess it was the lack of sleep. Or he was overwhelmed with emotion. After all they had just put one of their closest confidantes to rest.

“I know. But who am I to chase? Where do I go? Which thread do I pick? Who do I ask? Apart from what you have and what we stole from Paul’s office, we don’t have a thing. We don’t know where to go. To be honest, I don’t give a fuck about it. Just that I want to save Caravan Serai. It means so much to Mrs. Gomes. There’s no woman like here.

“I know. I know. You are right. But answers wont come to us if we just sit around here and twiddle. What if we find places and things that have been around since back then? I mean a lot of modern construction has happened around here. There are some places that have stayed around since then. No? I mean look at the churches and temples and buildings and all that. These places have been around since forever. We know that we need to probably start from Dona Paula work the way towards Panjim and then beyond. I know its hard work and we will probably come back empty handed. But in the worst case, we’d discover more of Goa!”

“Arey, I don’t care about discovering Goa. I want to ensure that when that bastard Ankit comes back, I can throw whatever he wants on his face so that he can leave us alone and…”

Chintan interrupted. “Do you think he will leave us alone if we gave him the money or the treasure?”

“No ya! I am not that naive. Men like that are never satisfied. He would keep coming back with more requests. All the time. But at this time, this is what we need to solve for.” While Chintan’s scatterbrain was evident, Rujuta’s pragmatism was on display.

Chintan couldnt do anything but agree.

“You do have a point. We can start with Old Goa. There are families and people there that are as old as Goa itself. It could be worth checking out. Plus Ankit’s office is close by at Panjim. We can stop by and say hi to him.” Rujuta chuckled. This is one of those things that Chintan liked about Rujuta. He couldn’t pin what it was but she had this distinct way of looking at things that made him crave for her company.

“Let’s do. When do you want to start?”

“Maybe from tomorrow. We have to talk to others as well and find a way to do this fast. We don’t have all day…”

This is it for the time being. Not too much but I made a start. Good good.

Also, at this point, I am thinking, do I even want to make it about a treasure hunt? While it’s an intriguing piece, if I am getting stuck, should I change the plot to make it a regular maar-dhaad wali film? Where they fight over a piece of land and kill each other and there’s salvation? Like you know, Godfather had no large treasure but respect, family, and survival. May be that will make sense? The treasure could be a red herring that I would remove. It could be the B story. It could be something that someone else was engaged in while my key characters are busy saving Caravan Serai. Makes sense. Let’s see what I decide over the next few days.

That’s it! And, here’s streaks.

  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 165
  • #aPicADay – 0. Will start this soon, now that I have started to walk around.
  • 10K steps a day – 0. Did 9980 steps!
  • OMAD – 0
  • #noCoffee – 0
  • #noCoke – 77
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • #book2 – 1. Today was day 1!
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0. Missed this two days in a row.

So that’s it for the day. Let’s see if I can write more about book2 over the next few days.

260521. Good Job!

I talk about how negative motivation is a thing and how I get affected by all the emotional and yet rational things that people throw at me.

7:56.
Woke up a few minutes ago. Slept at around 11. Was tired af. No, I did not walk. I did not do Surya Namaskar. Nothing. And yet I was tired. In the head. Plus I worked from where I live. I still refuse to call it home. This is one of those houses that I really hate. Can’t wait to get out of here. Coming back. I even slept during the day, even though I had a venti Americano. I don’t know what to do about this sleepiness during the day. None of my friends that I seek medical advice from seems to have an answer. Sigh.

So that.

Yesterday was one of those days that began and ended in a jiffy. I don’t even know where it went. Plus the aftereffects are so severe that I don’t know what to write. I am so blank. So nonfunctional. And this when I slept well for almost 8 hours. More than 8 actually. So, not sure what’s wrong.

Anyhow.

So lemme try and talk out loud about things that affect me.

Let me talk about the emotional blackmail that friends and family pile on you. Often inadvertently. They are well-meaning people and are acting from a good place. However, the thing is, people tend to act from the lens of their experience and their background. A thing that has worked for them in the past may or may not work for you. And this is where things do south.

Let me talk about one of my bosses that I admire and can’t seem to stop thanking for all that he’s done for me. Let’s call him A. So A ran a fairly busy business and was on the road a lot. That meant that he had very little f2f time with his team and most interactions were on emails and phones. Now, this is way before the time when even kids know what to do with Zoom and how to behave appropriately on these non-personal mediums. Thus when talking on the phone, the context would often get lost. Often things would get construed differently. To a point that people would find it tough to cope and all that. Plus what made things worse is that A couldn’t use anything but the ‘negative motivation’ to inspire you. Negative motivation is where you when you get 98% marks, you are reminded that you could have done better to not let that other 2 getaway. Mind you that the parents goading you for this missing 2% are proud of your achievement and they are happy for you. It’s just that they are designed to talk like that. As a child, you may find it tough to understand this behavior. But if you dig a tad deeper, you’d realize why they spoke to you as they spoke to you.

See this clip from Whiplash for context.

So, every time we would do a great project, A would point out tiny flaws in the team, rather than praising us for delivering the impossible. Back then, I used to loathe him. And I would hate him.

But then I realised, he is doing it for two reasons and two reasons only.

  • A. He has been trained like that. He sees that as an acceptable kind of praise.
  • B. He probably saw potential in us. To do more. To excel at what we were doing. And thus, push us.

Could’ve been more. But these two.

Now, in the team, people reacted different to his responses. Some would get disheartened and get drunk. Some would feel the pressure and quit. I would hate it to be honest and would just take the longer route back home. But there were a couple of us who would take inspiration. See the point he was making. And improve on the next project. Just like Whiplash scene about Charlie Parker.

Oh, A? Well, for a large part he never understood that his motivation was killing people in his team! That!

The point of this story?

Two.

  1. People often act based on their experiences. When they do, they may or may not realise that they are putting others in harms way. Most people need to learn this and start reflecting on how they behave.
  2. I want to put on record (and I will send this to people :D) that everytime they pile emo trips on me, I tend to balk at that. I resist. Even if those trips are rational and. common-sensical and obvious. While in their experience, these emo trips work and all that, but someone like me actually runs in the opposite direction when someone throws these emotional guilt trips at me. In fact, I become this stubborn child that does exactly the opposite of what is expected from me!

So that.

Phew.

The other thing I realised while writing this is that when I know what I want to write (like this emo-trip thingy), I am filled with this insane energy and words flow. I mean I am not even listening to music as I write this and yet I seem to have written some 400 words in like 4 minutes. The fingers are moving so fast on the keyboard that there are sparks flying!

May be, for #book2, I need to plot things and then write? You know, when I sit and think about Raunak, Mrs. Gomes, Ankit, Siddh, Rujuta and others, I do enjoy thinking about them as real people but I often dont know what to write to move story forward. Maybe each day I need to just write write write and see where I reach?

Let’s see.

Guess this is it for the day. Need to get moving. It’s almost 9.

Here’s streaks…

  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 164
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • OMAD – 0
  • #noCoffee – 0
  • #noCoke – 76
  • 10 mins of meditation – 2
  • #book2 – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0

The good work I did the day before, I undid all of that by not doing yesterday. 🙁

250521. Meditations.

An inconsequential update on the music I am listening to and some pop-psycholgy pieces that make me feel good.

8:06
Been up since 7 I think. Slept around 11. So about 8 hours of sleep. I think I slept well apart from the AC making those chuckling noises all night long. So yesterday was a long long day. To a point that I had so much work that I literally slept on top of my laptop! And I will have to keep today’s piece short to be able to deliver a presentation by 10. So that means I have less than 30 minutes to do this.

Let’s go!

The music am tripping on these days is by Indian Ocean. I picked them up after I heard Rahul Ram belt out an ode to Modiji. While that itself is a fabulous piece of music, I am more enamored by Bandeh. Here.

Lemme start with this image that I got on WA yesterday. Lemme spill some ink bits and bytes on this.

This 2×2 is brilliant if you ask me.

It encapsulates everything that I was internally judging people on. And I want to be judged. It’s the intersection of ability and intent (if I try and loosely translate those words). And depending on how you fare, you could be, from bottom left to top right, waste, fuck all, dreamer that doesn’t deliver or cool.

While I know deep inside where I am and who I am (ask me if you are curious), I wanted to know what the world thinks of me. I even made a Twitter poll to see whats the world thinks of me.

Here…

I don’t have any comments on what they are telling me but I will keep this framework handy to evaluate life on. In fact, you can actually track your progress and movements between the quadrants over time.

That reminds me, I often evaluate myself on a spider chart about how I am doing in life. While writing this post, I took a 2-minute detour from the post to see where I was and did a self-evaluation.

Here…

May 2021

I dont know when or how I got introduced to this chart but I thought it was a great dashboard to have. Especially if you want a single view of where your life is and how you are faring in areas that you often dont even know or track.

In fact, I have been maintaining this spider since Nov 2018. I go back to it every quarter / six months and fill it in. For context, this is how I was when I started.

Nov 2018

I have to admit that the Nov 2018 chart has been the best so far in life. But if I could compare where I was in Jan of this year and where I am in May, there’s a marked improvement.

And the biggest factor, the biggest cause of the change is that I have some work that gives me some money. And that money has allowed me to do a lot more in life in other spheres as well.

So that.

Money, kids. Money.

Ok. In other news, a few days ago, I started volunteering with a friend’s charity. The first few days I could manage the time and energy and effort. But for the last few days, I haven’t been able to contribute at all. To a point that I am feeling guilty for other people’s loss that my inability has been causing. So that. I know I need to fix it. I know I need to start delivering. I plan to. From sometime later in this week. Let’s see when.

So yeah that.

Guess this is about it for the day. Here’s the streaks…

  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 163
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 1. Plus I walked up 8 floors.
  • OMAD – 0
  • #noCoffee – 0. Had an Americano Venti with 1 tablespoonful of butter.
  • #noCoke – 75
  • 10 mins of meditation – 1
  • #book2 – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 1. 12 rounds. Followed this lady.

So all in all, for the streaks, it was a good day. I dont have time for the Surya Namaskar right now but I will try to get in the meditation bit in for sure. And then maybe towards the evening, I will try to gun for 10K.

Over and out.

240521 – Pause. Move.

I talk about how I finally managed to not feel sleepy during the day yesterday! And a few other things.

6:20 AM
Woke around 6. Scrolled the feeds of Instagram, Facebook, Linkedin, Twitter, and Whatsapp. In that order. While still in bed. Yeah, installed all these apps yesterday. After a hiatus of a few days. Realized that I need constant engagement and action and interruptions. I need to be moving all the time. No, not cool. Will come back to this later. Time to make a log of things on top of my head.

So yesterday was the second day on the trot when I worked from a friend’s place. And it was the second day when I was not sleepy during the day. I think it’s the unavailability of the bed. Or may be it’s the fact that I am away from home. However, his place has two issues that I need to solve. A, there’s no desk that I can sit and work on. There’s a table but it’s cramped. Plus, it’s his. I need mine. Second, there’s no AC and in Mumbai, life without AC sucks. Nah, the unavailability of good chairs don’t affect me. I anyway move around a lot.

A solution is to order a desk on Ikea or something. I like Lagkapten. I know he will find space to put it. I think I will. If I go to his place one more day and spend more than 7 hours working, I will order. Let’s see.

The other thing yesterday was that I attended the second day of the Docedge pitching session. I have to say and I don’t say this loosely or frivolously, it was a transformative experience. I will write a longer post on it soon. But thanks to Docedge, I know the kind of stories I want to tell. Non-fiction (or at least inspired by non-fiction), human-first stories that shift the way we think, the way we approach life, and the way we operate. While masala, mass-market Bollywood films are great and help us escape, it is these human stories that move me as a person. I think this is what filmmaking ought to be – real, alive, human-first.

In fact, if you look at the kind of films I like (Sarkar, Swades, Chak De come to mind), while these may sound like Bollywoody, star-studded fictional narratives, at a deeper level, each has a thread of humans and their struggle for finding meaning. There’s a definitive human purpose that the protagonist in each is trying to seek. I am at a loss for words right now but at some point, I will write this at length.

The third thing I have on my head is this entire debate on having your work out there. Or continuing to remain anonymous and chip away till you have chiseled an entire David and then talk about things. I have remained an anonymous antelope all my life and I like that. But I now realize I need to be out there. I need to get shameless about projecting myself and cultivating an image that allows me to get access to more opportunities. It will be a big big move. I have already started to be honest. This podcast is out with me being me, in full glory on video. But then, I am yet to “market” it! I can no longer claim that my picture is not on the internet. I routinely put it on dating websites now. I just need to make the shift in my head and start putting myself out there. I don’t know if it’s the shame at how uncouth I am. Or if it’s the deeper guilt at my underachievement. There’s some deeper emotion at play and I need to tilt that out of my system.

Oh, yesterday, a couple of friends from Goa send a few messages. Even though I may not subscribe to the susegad lifestyle and choices, I for some reason craved to be out there with them. Maybe it’s their eccentricity. Maybe because these were the only people I’ve hung out with lately. Maybe the conversations with them were deeper and richer and beyond the rigmarole that we have in a large city. Maybe because we were closer to nature. I am not sure but I wished I had easier access to them.

In fact, each passing day I am thinking of moving on from Mumbai to Goa. And then keep shuttling as and when required. I know it’s not advisable that you straddle two boats at the same time but then I am one of those that believe that Ajay Devgan could have continued on with his life like that.

Not just bikes, our man has been on cars and even trucks!

I know Goa doesn’t offer me reliable, stable Internet. I know Goa doesn’t have the ecosystem and amenities that I need (Starbucks, AC, people around me who want to work, public transportation et al) but I know that there’s something about the place that attracts me. Or may be, I just was to escape from where I am.

Damn I love the idea of being on the move all the time.

I know I had given myself till the end of May to figure out my next destination. I am yet to take that decision. Let’s see what happens.

Anyhow. So as I end this, here’s a gift for you. A playlist of music I listen to as I drift to sleep. Here.

Guess this is about it for the day. Here’s streaks.

  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 162
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • OMAD – 0
  • #noCoffee – 0, I will probably remove this. I am making coffee a constant companion.
  • #noCoke – 74
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0

230521 – Ennui and my attempt at fending it off!

A quick post on my attempts to fend off the boredom that has set in. And an attempt to find some sanity.

8:13 AM
Woke up a while ago. The alarm first rang at 5. I was supposed to record a podcast at 830 but canceled it last night. There’s so much pain around me that I was in no position to make a coherent conversation. It’s really affecting my work and all 🙁

In fact, the last night I was on the bed for hours and couldn’t find sleep. I was so fried that even playing a game of chess was a pain. I just couldn’t even surf Youtube or any other website. I think ennui is back.

Actually, come to think of it, it’s not ennui per se. I think it was the mental fatigue that you feel after you spend a hard day at work. While it was not a hard day per se, I did do a few things. In fact, during the day yesterday, I had a breakthrough of sorts. Since I was sleeping all the time while I was home house, I decided I will go to a friend’s place.

And I did.

I went to a friend’s place to work. While the table there was cramped and the chair was uncomfortable, I managed to spend enough and more time on a computer. To a point that I even put the writing page live! Of course, I need to add a lot more to this page. But I made the start.

Plus I was not sleepy. I did not sleep. I did not feel drowsy. Maybe it was the venti Americano that I had. And all this despite the place not being to my liking. He did not have an AC in the hall and I was sweating like a pig with all the garmi. But I managed to stay alert till about 6 and I spoke to new people. I was as much in the zone as I would be on a regular working day. I plan to go to his place today as well. Let’s see how today goes. I have to finish three large presentations today. If I can manage these, It would be awesome and I would know that things that

In other news, yesterday, I attended the pitching session of DocEdge. It was awe-inspiring, spell-binding, and eye-opening to say the least. Filmmakers from across the world presented the projects they are working on, on subjects that ranged from personal stories to communities to even national boundaries. I realized that I am living in a cocoon and the cinema I want to stand for is probably in the non-fiction space. I mean I do want to entertain the world and all that but I really want to inspire the world as well and what better way to do that than cinema?

Oh, and in attendance was a filmmaker that has won a Palme d’Or. Adding that to my #lifeGoals!

So that.

Like I said, I have three decks to write today. And attend DocEdge sessions. And think of how I can make a dent in the world. I plan to go over to the friend’s place again today and see how I perform.

So yeah. That’s about it for the day. Over and out. And here’s streaks…

  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 161
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • OMAD – 0
  • #noCoffee – 0 (had coffee yesterday. Will have more today as well)
  • #noCoke – 73
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 1 (did 12 rounds)

220521 – Life and Death

A short post about my understanding of life and death. No, it’s not very rosy.

7:10 AM
Yesterday was weird. For some reason, I could not function. I was on the computer since the morning but I could not function at all. I was like a zombie. I was not thinking, not reacting, not doing. I was on a computer On one side, I am chilling with the two kids I adore more than anything else in life. And on another, someone close in the extended family passed away. I have known him to be a funny, respectful, and full of life person. I think I’ve even gone on holidays with him as a kid – you know when you’d pack yourself into a big car and would go in large groups to hill stations? That. While there is some sort of sadness over the passing of the said relative, I am more or less. To a point that apart from that momentary thought about him and how he looked and who all do I know from the family, I had no feeling of loss. To be honest, I’ve felt a far more personal loss at the passing of celebrities that I did not know of. Heck, I was disturbed by days when I heard about the passing of Steve Jobs. Even the scandals about Jeff and Bill. I was more fucked in the head when one of my colleagues passed away and even when one of my poker buddies passed away (even though I hadn’t heard from him in years).

I am not sure if I should be ashamed of this indifference towards someone who was close. Or I should be proud of my indifference towards someone who was close. I don’t know. I just know that death is messy and I am severely unequipped to handle the emotions that it invokes. To me, despite COVID, death has remained an academic thing. That happens to others, in books, and in popular media. This time I have lost people that are close and that I have spoken to and shared meals with and all that. And yet I remain emotionless. May be such is life. Such is the world. May be Steve was right all along. He said, “Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.”

#note2self. See Steve Jobs’ video. Here…

So that.

Moving on.

Today’s Saturday. And that means a lot of distractions won’t be around. Plus I have been slacking for some days now. I will probably pull my socks and get more things done. I will also try and work out from a friend’s place to prevent myself from plopping myself on a bed. I am sick and tired of working from home. I need a change in scenery for sure. I miss going to an office, I miss the energy of others. I can’t wait for a Starbucks to open. I can’t wait for the lockdown to go away. The way things are stacked in Mumbai, I think we would be out of the lockdown by the first week of June. I am so so so looking forward to it.

Guess this is it. There’s more to write but I will take a pause and do some Surya Namaskars. Been a few days.

Here’s the streak…

  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 160
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • OMAD – 0
  • #noCoffee – 3
  • #noCoke – 72
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0

PS: Today on, I will try and title the post with what’s on my mind.

210521 – Meditations

A quick post on a few things that are clouding my head. Hoping to get some clarity. None seems to be coming.

6:42. Woke a few minutes ago. Had slept at 10ish if I am not wrong. So 8+ hours. And I groggy. Lol!

Decided yesterday that I will go for a walk after publishing this. I did. Walked for about an hour (about 6K steps, not 10K). And saw this video. Will see something else as I walk today. By the time I was back from the walk, it was 10 and I was literally late for work and meetings. But it was good to get the walk in. I even managed 10 minutes of meditation before the calls were to start. So that’s cool.

The morning pages. Lemme use bullets. Like yesterday. Allows me greater flexibility.

A. So at work, I am struggling. I am lagging behind on things. I think a large reason is all the infinite meetings that I am supposed to be a part of. I have to find a way to reduce those. I had thought I would create a maker-manager schedule and stick to that. But as someone in the middle management, my time is required by the ones I report to, and then by the ones that work with me. There are numerous status checks and updates required and I just can not take away three days from the week for that. May be I can start with one day a week where I would not take any calls and spend that time thinking deeply? Let’s see.

B. Oh, I am still tripping onto the restoration videos on Youtube. What I love about those is that people that restore things, they are on the project for days. It’s like seeing a master-painter at work. It’s like seeing a magnum opus come to life. In front of your eyes! It is more or less one person, showcasing their prowess with disciplines like woodwork, painting, lathe machines, sandblasting, metal, electronics, and more. In fact, there is some perverse pleasure that you get in opening up screws and how things work. I remember, as a child, I loved the idea of opening up all the devices that I could – of course, not a lot of those – I did not have a big set of screwdrivers or drill machines with all those bits. I think any child growing up in safe homes has to have access to these screwdrivers and opportunities to further their curiosity. So that!

C. I have started to get active on Twitter all over again. No, I haven’t seen any uptick in my following list (actually, it’s slipping down by the day). But I am consuming more content that I prefer. Without Twitter, my primary source of information was news and that is, well, news. I wasn’t learning new things, I wasn’t satiating my curiosity, I wasn’t enjoying.

Since I’ve been back on Twitter, I am back in the zone where I look forward to tweets and interacting with people. I love how my reading inbox is full again and actually overflowing. I am back to getting inspired by random acts of strangers on the timeline. Like this tweet…

Two of the most-followed people on Twitter Internet are talking about capturing things that they learn. I am so impressed that I want to do something similar. Krishna used to run a newsletter where he would write things that he learned in the week gone by. It was such a pain it’s not funny. I used to write a letter every day where I would talk about what I learned (SoG Letters). Used to take me over an hour and despite sending those out for more than a year, I was unable to get traction. And like any such project, I stopped sending those. Thing is, I need external validation for everything I do.

Like these two people are talking, the daily lessons list probably becomes unsustainable. However, in my case, I am sure I learn more things each day than I can log. I may not be able to write a letter but I can definitely put a tweet as I end my day. I am supposed to start from today. Let’s see how it goes.

Oh, this also feeds my lust of owning an audience. You know, like a celebrity does. Now, I dont have anything that a celeb may have – looks, charm, talent etc. So, its literally impossible. But I want to try.

Why would I want an audience, you may ask. The thing is, I don’t want fame per se. I don’t want people asking for autographs. But what I do want is access to people that I would not have otherwise. I have seen, learned, observed that if you have an audience, doors open easily for you. And that’s what I am after. For people like me that don’t have some innate talents, it’s the relationships that open the doors. Doors to a better life, better opportunities, and in general, better things.

Let’s see how I chase this betterness over the next few days.

That’s about it. Over and out for the day. See you guys tomorrow. Here’s the streak.

  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 159
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • OMAD – 0
  • #noCoffee – 2
  • #noCoke – 71
  • 10 mins of meditation – 2
  • #book2 – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0

200521 – Meditations

This post was a pain to write. To a point that it took me more than 90 minutes and yet I couldn’t get anything of value in. Sigh.

7:25.
Woke up a while ago. Slept for some 7 hours, if not more. No, no dreams per se that I can recall. The body is sore. Guess will walk around a bit and get some water.

7:46.
Puttered around. I could see the lights in my head switching on. You know, how in a big house you sort of switch on the lights one after another and the dark places showers with bright light, one room at a time. That.

So lemme make a list of things on the top of my head.

A. BTC crash. I don’t know if I want to call it a crash. I don’t understand it as well to even qualify it as crash or buying opportunity or correction or whatever. But it’s incredible that tweets from one Elon Musk and a piece of news from China could affect the price so much. There’s something fundamental that I don’t understand that almost all the intelligent people I know seem to know! So that.

B. Yesterday, on a tweet, Paras Chopra (I don’t know him but would love to) asked “How many hours of peak productivity are you able to squeeze out on an average day?

Peak productivity = being capable of original work with fresh ideas.”

On a cursory glance, I saw that the responses there ranged from 1 hour to 4. I reckon I can put in 2-3 good hours on a good day. These good days are getting few and far between. Anyway, so there was this response from Bhavin Turakhia where he simply said “10-12”.

No wonder the dude is doing so well at such a young age!

Must try and get the focus back. #note2self

8:19.
Still not feeling a 100% after more than an hour of waking up. Not sure what else to write. Maybe I will come back to the post in a bit. Lemme take a break and get on with the day.

C. A friend on Twitter pointed out at this talk on fasting by Dr. Jamnadas. I’ve been thinking a lot about food and eating and fasting and energy and more. I even got started on an expensive food service (been 2 days and I am yet to see any change in how I am).

Maybe this video comes at an opportune time. Guess I will see the video and make changes in how I eat and all that. Let’s see. In case you are lazy to click on the link, see this video for a bit.

D. The other thought that I had, while writing this piece is that maybe I am so lethargic and so sleepy and so unhinged because I am not stepping out of the house? May be because I am spending way too much time on the screens – laptop, phone, etc. Maybe I need to start walking more. During the last lockdown, I would go for long walks. This time around, I am not walking at all. Nah, I can workout. I can’t do yoga. But I love walking and there’s no reason why I can’t go out for a walk often. In fact, must go now. Work be damned. If I am not feeling ok, what’s the point of work?

Oh and today when I leave for a walk, I will wear shoes. Primarily, to make it easy when I walk. And second, to try and build a habit or something around it. And while I walk, I can see the above video. Good idea!

E. So now that it’s settled that I will go for at least an hour long walk after I publish this, I need to plan the day in a way that I get more things done. And this includes participating in all the useless meetings that are called upon for no reason. There are quite a few things open at various ends. Everytime I look at my Asana, I cringe 🙁

I am actually effective at things. To a point that I can get a lot done. There are days when I am freakishly productive and there are days when I slack so much that I dont know what hit me. I just need to identify these patterns and slot my work, my life in a way that things get done. And I get breaks as well. So that.

F. The other thing that just dawned on me while I was writing this is I want to make losing my data a regular feature. What I mean is that it’s been a few days since I lost all my data and to be honest, I don’t feel as bad or I don’t feel as lost as I was in the first 15 minutes of the loss. I’ve made peace with it, I guess. I just need to now repeat this often. You know, after every month or so, wipe the phone clean. Whatever needs to be saved can be saved on a drive but I will delete all conversations, photos, and other such ephemeral things often. Setting a remind for 1 Jun 2021. Let’s see if I actually do it!

So, guess this is about it for the day. This one was a struggle to write. Will go for a walk. Meanwhile, here’s streaks…

  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 158
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • OMAD – 0
  • #noCoffee – 1. Stopped coffee from yesterday on.
  • #noCoke – 70. I am very very tempted to have a coke. Damn. Let’s see if I can avoid it.
  • 10 mins of meditation – 1. Did 10 minutes after few days. Was tough but I am glad I managed.
  • #book2 – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0

Ending this at 8:49 AM