A quick post about what I did yesterday and what I plan to do about those. More rant than anything else to be honest.
5:24. Woke up a few minutes ago. And I have less than 20 minutes to write today. Need to leave at 6 for a longish walk. I hope to do 20K steps today from 7ish till about 9ish. Let’s see how many I get in.
So let’s dive in. Here’s a quick recap of yesterday. And quick thoughts.
I took a break from walking. I averaged 15K steps this week before yesterday. I was on track to do 110K steps. Now, if I can get to 100K, I would be happy. And I am anyway eating like a mad man. Will stop from tomorrow on. I will also implement a no-call before 2 PM rule from tomorrow. At least I will not allow any calls to be scheduled before 2. The ones that are already on the calendar, I will honor those.
I realized yet again that success gets you friends like nothing else. If you are famous, rich, successful, funny, fit, good-looking, or anything on these lines, you would have FAR more friends than you’d normally have. I think I need to start working on this. I can’t change the way I look or my sense of humor. But I can work on getting rich and famous. So that’s next. After am back from EBC, I will focus on one thing only – getting famous. Come hell or high water.
I was forced to work from where I live in the morning as I had a podcast recording at an awkward time. And while I did that, I ate like crap, I wasted time like I was 19, I slept like I had all the money in the world. After the recording, I went to the Starbucks at the airport, and even though I spent like 3-4 hours there, I could get a lot done. I was in the zone while I was there. I need to find ways to get to a Starbucks or a co-working space as soon as I wake up. #note2self
I had a dark moment. At least two people I care for acted like dicks. They did not understand why I do things I do. They dont understand the sacrifices I am making to make ends meet. And not that I haven’t spelled it out for them. Despite that, they sort of piled onto me emotionally and made me lose track. I know they dont do it intentionally. And I know I need to be stoic enough to not let that affect me. I am working on it. I honestly dont really care what people tell me and how they behave with me. But when the ones I care for and want to care for me pile emotional baggage on me, I lose it. I need to find a way to not get swayed by these things.
Recorded a podcast. Loved it. Even though the conversation could be richer, I absolutely loved it. Must do more podcasts. If I have my way, I can do a podcast a day. But the thing is, I am one of those perfectionists and I want things to be perfect. And that means I dont allow my team to release these conversations. And thus affect the output. Maybe I will rely on my team for releases and then we’d see where it goes?
So yeah, these things. There’s more that I want to write but that’s all the time I have right now. Need to leave for a walk.
Thoda sad post. Maybe very sad. Read with caution. Please dismiss this as a rant of a sad man.
6:18. All the good work that I did in the first 4 days (3 actually, if I ignore the break) went to the gutter yesterday. I had a day where I was so buried in work that I did not get to make health the priority. I was working till late and then I ate carbs after 10 PM. I did not go for a walk. I did not do pushups. I did walk up to my house. I did nothing that would make me proud. I even wasted time on Chess and twitter (I stay away but did browse the website) and other such websites. Even though I spoke to V, I still am as spaced. I have absolutely no clue what to do about this instability in the head and this randomness that I am afflicted with!
Anyhow. I will try and pick up from where I left. Let’s see.
I have a lot to do on the work front. I plan to spend the day at the airport Starbucks, you know the one that’s open on the weekends. I plan to carry my shoes when I go and then on the way back, I plan to walk back. Let’s see if I can.
Even on the projects front, there are quite a few things open. Need to work on those. Hope I get those done.
Here’s a thought that just dawned on me while I was writing this. I think I am burying myself with work and random things to escape from things that are clouding my head and heart. I am sort of running away. From the house I live in. From the relationships I have. From the current life I live.
Thing is, I’ve always ran. Away. Metaphorically. And always to an unknown place. Of course, I can’t get away from a lot of things, some people are now part of me forever. Some things now have come to define me. Some relationships are as important to me as breathing is. In fact, this burying into non-stop work is probably my way to cope with whatever is happening with me on the inside.
I think I need to get stronger in my head. I also think I need to get away once again. Probably go live in a place where I don’t know anyone and there are no chances of any encounters with anyone I know. I tried that with Goa last year. No, it did not help. May be a move to another country? Lol. Or maybe I should just quit everything I am working on and go become a taxi driver or something. And read with whatever little time I get on the side.
I actually don’t know. Thoda muddled hai. I think I will let the thought stay in my head and maybe the answer will pop up. I just need to ensure that I, as Joseph Campbell said, follow my bliss. Maybe this struggle to stay sane and stay focussed and stay on the path is the reward in itself? Maybe this life where I continue to strive to look at larger things is the very reward that my life will get? And now that I already have, why bother seeking affirmations and validation from others?
Kind of dark.
Ok, an epiphany happened. While showering. Funny how many good ideas come in when I am in the shower. Funnier how little time I spend in the shower. Must take longer baths. Anyhow. So epiphany. I was thinking about the email that I want to send to Anjum Sir about Toofan. While I was thinking about it, I wanted to be polite when I ask him questions. I realized that may be, just may be, I know more than him? Of course, I am being a mere critic. And I am assuming that he had control over the script even after the production started. So this is when I realized that may be my destiny, my bliss is not in actually doing things but enabling others to do. You know, like Anjum sir. Like Drona. Like Mickey. Like other such illustrious teachers.
May be I was sent here to enable others.
And not that I haven’t tried to be that coach to others. I have in the past work with countless people as a friend, coach, mentor, etc. And with a few more with deeper engagement with projects like TRS, PPP, GP, and more.
Clearly, I have been ineffective with those. I mean none of those is a roaring success. They do ok but none of those has gone on to become an Arjuna or anything. They remain far from self-sustenance. I am glad they don’t need my intervention on a day-to-day basis but if I stop the funding, they will probably die.
I know that in a few years, they would be really big in terms of their impact and reach and money and all that. I hope I am there when that happens. They are literally my life’s work. The people that work on these are like my children. My babies, my creations. Instead of bearing kids with my DNA, I have given these all that I have. And more. More than I’d probably give to any other offspring in the future. Even M. Guess I am done with it. For the time being. Till something shakes me.
And no, I am not taking credit for their success. If they fail, I am indeed responsible but if they succeed, it would be an outcome of their hard work. aNd I know each of them will become large roaring successes. I hope soon. If not soon, then I know, in a few years. These things take time.
Ok, I digressed.
The point was, maybe my bliss, my raison d’etre is not making it big. But helping others make big. Maybe I need to accept that I will live in anonymity and poverty and I will help others make money. Maybe with this awareness, I need to change how I think, how I imagine, how I plan, how I evaluate myself, and how I work?
May be.
Let this mince around in my head for a few days.
Here’s the streaks though.
OMAD – 0. Ate like a pig yesterday 🙁
#book2 – 0
#noCoke – 135
#noCoffee – 4
#aPicADay – 0
Killer Boogie – 0
10K steps a day – 0. Walked literally 0 steps yesterday.
I talk about rants, house hunting, SRK, music, work and more.
6:20. Woke up a few minutes ago. Woke up with a nightmare. I mean a nightmare of sorts. On a regular day, it would have affected me a lot and would have made me a man possessed. But for some reason, I am still as water and calm as fire. Also, as I woke up, I am less groggy than I would typically be. I dont know why or how. I again ate multiple meals. And that too full of carbs and oils. I still have a lot on my head with respect to work. There’s so much that I don’t know what to do about! Grrr! I even ranted on Twitter. Here. That’s another thing. I am ranting a lot on Twitter now. My engagement there is shit. I need to grow it to be able to get opportunities to come to me. But I am unable to 🙁
Anyhow.
So, just a month to go for EBC. Need to inform everyone about it. Everyone means people that I work with. Need to make arrangements. Need to wrap the house. Give away whatever is left here. Send whatever needs to be stored to Delhi. Limit my life to as few things as I can (preferably 20 – a number that looks highly improbable). Need to give notice to the landlord so that I can vacate peacefully.
As of now, I am thinking I will move to Delhi by September (assuming there’s no third wave by then) and then stay back till Diwali (mid-November). And come back post that. And look for a new house. This time I am sure I want to live on a higher floor at a fancy society. Enough of kachra living. Or maybe go to Goa. There’s hardly anything that I have left in Mumbai that I look forward to.
Just that I am not sure if I can work from Delhi but let’s see. All this is wishful thinking. We Will see if this pans out.
So on music, today it’s the SRK fest. Mitwa. Pretty Woman. Yeh Dil. Dildara. And a Farhan Akhtar song (Sindbad the Sailor). I know, I know. These guys are mere actors and the credit must go to the lyricists and composers and musicians and all that. Please do excuse me for that.
I dont know what else to write. That’s all that’s on the top of my head.
Ok, lemme try. What did I learn yesterday? Few things…
I am not great at managing time. Even with all the fancy tools that I have access to.
I am not disciplined. In the sense that I know that to lose weight, I need to do a lot of things consistently for a long time (eat better, eat clean, work out etc etc). I do that as and when I get time. Rather I could be making time for those! I can make small sacrifices (giving up Coke, writing everyday) but I cant seem to workout consistently. Dunno why.
I like giving gyaan to people that can potentially help them. I was talking to a stranger and talking about how notes and calendars could get her to do her things better. And it was brilliant! I mean I think I did show her the way but the validation I got for myself was fascinating!
I continue to be that person that doesnt want to disappoint others. In fact, I seek validation and all that. Not just from people I care about. But even from strangers on the internet. I wish I could become a different person 🙁
Wait.
These are personal lessons. Why would someone want to read these? Rather, need to figure out lessons that are useful for others. And then post those. You know, things like, wake up early and you’d be awesome. Lol. These are random conjectures that may or may not carry any weight.
But then, these morning pages lose meaning. To a point that I write these for myself. Not for others to read. So it’s cool that these lessons are for me and for no one else.
Anyhow. To close this short post, couple of things that I am taking away from this brain dump. These are…
A. I need to get disciplined. Starting today I will be. At least with food if not with workouts. I will stop eating from outside for as long as I can manage. I will get a home cook to make simple meals for me. You know, less oil, fewer spices, better ingredients, etc. At eat just one time in the day. Lol! This starting today has lost meaning. I dont know how many times have I said this 😀
B. Will stop thinking about how much work I have on my plate. I would rather do things. I will no longer talk about the unavailability of office space. Or a Starbucks. I will make do with whatever I have and get work done. Enough of fucking slacking and throwing reasons around.
Guess this is it for the day. Hope you have a great day as well. Here’s streaks…
An unfiltered rant about a million things in my head that I cant seem to find a solution to. Do NOT read!
5:19. Woke up a few minutes ago. Was in the bed at around 1. So about 4 hours. That too broken and intermittent. The day hasn’t really started and I am already tired. A million things are swirling around my head in a Brownian motion and each time one thought hits the wall of my head or each other, a loud explosion happens. The head right now is full of the noises that you would expect a battleground to have!
Lemme use freewriting to get the load off my head. These are not in order. And not meant to be taken seriously.
I am slowly inching towards the end of my useful time here on Earth. If someone makes the mistake to write a biography on my time here, they would probably finish it in half a sentence. It would be on the lines of, “He’s this person that day-dreamed about doing great things but did jackshit about it. He died a failure, pauper and under considerable debt. His legacy includes a million half-baked ideas who’s carcasses are strewn around everywhere.”
The funny thing is, I exactly know what my biography would contain and yet I am unable to do anything about it. I cant seem to do good work. I am unable to move the mountains. I am not making any meaning. I am not even losing weight. Heck, I can’t even walk for more than 2 minutes without huffing and puffing!
It plain sucks. Most people say that knowing what the problem is half the battle won. I exactly know my problem. And yet I am unable to do shit about it. I mean my problem is that I want to live a life where I am the master of my time and I am able to do what I want to.
Wait. What is it that I want to do?
A LOT!
Both at a personal level and for others. You know, a la, Kabir, make enough for myself, kutumb and yet have enough to ensure that no Saadhu goes back empty handed. Here. This is what he said – “Saain itna dijiye, jaame kutumb samaay, main bhookha naa rahoon, sadhu na bhookha jaaye“
On a personal level, here’s an indicative list of things that I want to do… Teach. Make Films Write Books Run. Marathons. Entertain others Travel the world Be the shoulder to others Have access to other interesting people
Matlab, sab karna hai.
Maybe that’s the problem? That there’s so much I want to do (and try to do) that I am unable to do any one thing?
I dont know.
No, I cant focus. At all. Even if it was for life. I just can’t. Even as I am writing this, there are a million thoughts that are running helter-skelter in my head. I have surfed timelines on Instagram and Twitter. Checked my email. Fussed over the music I want to listen to. Thought about the meetings during the day. And more!
DAMN YOU SG!
The other thing that I has not stopped banging against the inside walls of my head is the shortness and uselessness of life. You know, you do so much. You try and help others. You receive help from others. You take stands. You create this egoist self that’s larger than who you really are. You do so much for the world. And then when you are gone, nothing changes anywhere. Not for one person. Apart from one cursory mention about you where they would say RIP and Om Shanti or whatever is in vogue those days, nothing else will happen. The world moves on. People who you thought will miss you will make a fancy social media post to gather a million likes, bask in the glory of that eloquent eulogy they just wrote and that’s that!
While it’s ok, while the life needs to continue to move, I think it’s uncool what relationships and respect has come to. And no, it’s not cool that it does. And come to think of it, it’s awesome! People are individualistic and that means that we would see more inventions and more thrust for human race as such. See, that’s the debate. Individual’s king-ness and ambitions. Or the collective’s survival and perpetuity.
No, there are no easy answers. And it’s just plain sad.
Also, I am thinking about these morbid thoughts from my lens. If I were to go unplanned, I dont think apart from my parents and my sis probably, there’s anyone in the world that’d be affected by my absence. I mean everyone wants to be immortal and wants the world to stop and take note when you are gone. But I ask for a far smaller thing. I just want to have people tell me that they value me, while I am here. Once I am gone, I dont really care if they miss me. And that just doesnt fucking happen. I expect very few things but what I want, I want. And I cant get those. Despite me clinging to hard to people. To a point that I have stopped engaging with people. Even with those that I care for. Life’s a series of transactions and sooner I learn, better it is. No?
Next. Work.
So, most of the work I do is of transactional kinds. This means that I am renting my time out to make ends meet. This the worst kind of work that you could do. You are like a Kolhu Ka Bail. Sisyphus, if you will. Each day you are cursed to repeat that monotonous exercise that may or may not make meaning. But that’s all you do – repeat things. On the other hand, you must aspire for project-based work. This is that work that allows you to have large chunks of time to yourself where you could do whatever you want to (even if you want to sleep) and then some chunks of time where you work so hard that you can’t even die. You know, you could make films, produce events, paint, write books etc. You let your work create opportunities for you. You control how you spend time (and not the other way around).
Wait. And the time you have controlled to be on your side, what do you do with it? To what end?
Lol!
Damn so so mindfucked.
Anyhow. It’s almost an hour. Need to move on. And get working on the presentation. So so confused. And unhinged.
A short rant on how I feel after I went for a walk yesterday.
7:45 AM. I slept at 10. Woke up a few minutes ago. More than 8 hours. I dont think I woke up in the night except to have some water. I have recollections of an epic dream where some battles are being fought and all that. No, I dont remember the specifics. Chalo this is a good thing.
So, yesterday. Lemme do a quick recap. Did some work in the morning. Then ate. In one window of 2 hours. So OMAD! Yay!. Then slept in the afternoon for a couple of hours. That’s what I do if I am at the place where I live. When I can’t go to Starbucks or a friend’s house to work. I see the bed and I am magnetically attracted to it! Sigh! And once I woke up from the siesta, I just couldn’t work. I kept wasting time. Towards the evening I tried to go for a run. Lol. I went out and all I could run jog was for 60 odd seconds! Kaise hoga EBC?
Those 60 seconds were straight from hell. The phone flapped around so much that I felt like a circus artist trying to balance all the weight and the movement of the phone. My balls hurt (damn Hernia). My breath didn’t come back to normal for like, forever. I was literally sucking on the mask and I almost swallowed it! The heat in my toes was unbearable. I eventually had to take the shoes off and walk barefoot. I even had to lie down on the beach and had sand all over me.
Damn!
The saving grace of this 2-minute health experiment is that I found a one-rupee coin on the beach while walking.
I plan to go today as well. Let’s see how it goes. I am thinking I will buy an Apple Watch to track movements and sleep. Just that I am unsure if I would like to have another device. I mean I am ok with an Oura or something similar. But a watch or a band is not my jam 🙁
Anyhow.
So, after the excruciating walk, for some reason, I did not want to come back to an empty house. I put some emotweets as well. Guess am growing old and in absence of any tangible achievements or things to look up to, I am forced to look at things like relationships and people?
We’d never know the complexity of the human mind 🙁
Moving on.
On the work front, I have a lot to do. To a point that I am so overwhelmed that I don’t even know where to start from. Thing is, most weekdays, I am stuck in meetings that take away energy and motivation. And on the weekends when I want to work, there’s no place to go work from. Damn this lockdown. One way is to lock two days in a week for no meetings, no calls, and just work. You know, Maker-Manager?
Apart from these two, to be honest, I have nothing else on my mind. And it’s not cool. I must have more to life than work. I mean I have always hated the concept of people that define themselves with the work they do! And here I am. Defining myself with the lack of work and options to work out from! Not cool.
Will try and change this over the next few days. Wish me luck. This is it for the time being.
Here’s the streaks. Changed the order to make it a little more visually appealing.
Rant on how I look, courtesy a glance in the mirror at a friend’s place. And a promise to myself. To do something about it. And fix it.
8:49. Just woke up. Slept at 3 or something. I dont know why I couldn’t sleep even though I haven’t had coffee in three days. I had a lot of green tea (or as Ankita calls it, ghaas ka paani) but I am not sure if that affects the sleep. If it does, I will be forced to stop going to a Starbucks altogether and my productivity will drop to like zero 🙁
Anyhow. Moving with the morning pages. I was at a friend’s place last evening and I saw myself in a full-length mirror. And I was shocked at what I see. Shocked at two things.
A. I realized that I hadn’t seen myself in a mirror in a while. The place where I live doesn’t have a mirror. I mean I have a tiny one in the bathroom but that’s so tiny that all you can see is your face. See this tweet. I also have one in the lift of the building . It is fairly large. I think from waist up. However most times I stand facing away from it. And when I do face it, I am wearing a mask and I am in a hurry.
B. I saw my reflection and found a fat, aged, wrinkled man staring back at me. And no, the guy wasn’t hardened or something. He was just aging faster than what mother nature had planned for him.
To be honest, I was shocked when I saw myself. In my head, I looked better, was better dressed, I “felt” better. But the mirror showed me I had such high perceptions about myself. I am surprised that people allow me to stand next to them in a queue. No wonder at a Starbucks most people avoid sitting next to me. No one makes small talk to me. Damn damn damn.
It’s insane how this world uses shortcuts like physical “beauty” to make perceptual decisions about you. I mean, I understand why they do. We are still hunter-gatherers that are trying to find our way around.
So, I need to get fit. This is like a slap in the face that I needed. The best is that it’s come from no one else but me. You know, like this…
Even he’s got a good mirror to look into while he slaps ;P Damn I love him! Can’t wait to see Toofaan!
Coming back. I need to get fit. I know it has to be tiny gains over a long time if I want to be like Jason Statham. Lol!
I’ve been trying for the last few months (controlling what I eat, trying to sleep better et al). I know I can’t work out. I can’t continue with Yoga unless I have a teacher to go to. Online sessions don’t work for me. I can walk but then I am perpetually short of time with all the work I am on. May be I can start with an extreme calorie deficit? You know, consume only about 1000 calories a day? That can’t be healthy over the long run.
I dont know the answer. I will find one. But I will ensure that I look better. No, I refuse to wear better clothes. I need comfort more than anything else. But I will ensure that I am fitter. At least I can ensure that I am on OMAD. It’s been 3 days now. Last night I was so so so tempted to order in dinner but thankfully I could avoid it. Took immense willpower to do so!
Anyhow. Moving on.
So I decided that I will go to the EBC. In Sep-Oct. At least make an attempt. Come hell or high water (COVID-19 withstanding). Apparently, the success rate is 90%. I could be in that 10% for all you know. Will make the bookings as soon as I get paid for the next gig. Mumbai-Kathmandu-Lukla-EBC and back would be about a lakh and 20 days. I have 2 months to prepare and I start today. Not tomorrow. Not day after. Today. Starting with food and walks (at least).
So, in other news, I have a new play-on-loop track. It’s this. Lovey-dovey mushy piece but I love the beats and rhythm and all that. Give it a listen!
Guess this is for the day. Need to get going. Long day. And even longer tomorrow. Here’s streaks…
I normally dont rant about work. But this is exactly that. A long rant. About work.
6:10. Woke a few minutes ago. I slept ok. Plus I slept for almost 7 hours. I was in my bed at around 11 I think and I woke up at 5:50ish. My back and neck are sore, like most days. I either need to find a new mattress or a new pillow. Actually, I need a new house. Damn!
These small things like comfortable place to live and other things that make it convenient to live in are so so important for a day to day happiness. I know there are people that would consider my house as lavish. I know there are people that get things done even if they are living with one-hundredth of what I have. And I know they do far better than I. Guess this is where people are different. You know, they can perform miracles. I, on the other hand, need comfort to do that!
This is what I think is the toll of the lockdown on me. The productivity levels are at lowest I’ve had in the last few months. I am sure it’s evident from the output on these morning pages. It at least evident from my Screen Time (which is at 10 hours right now). Guess I need to move to a non-smartphone for a few days. All I need on it is Whatsapp. Will try.
Thing is, I am unable to do any meaningful, deep work. I can blame it on too many meetings that I am a part of. But than that’s that. A blame. I think it’s the inability to get in to a regiment and create inspiring, designed-for-work places around me. I need to have a largish table and a chair at the right hight. I need to have the AC on. I need infinite supply of water (and access to a loo). I need my music on headphones. I need to have people around me. I need everything to be perfect before I can do my work.
As a knowledge worker, this is the worst you can do. To a point that I need to stop calling myself one. The idea is that I could have a location independent life that allows me to work and earn. With this kind of want of perfection, I don’t think I will ever have such a life!
Or maybe I need to stop work altogether and have my network work for me! You know, find an avenue for passive income. Let’s see.
Staying with this work conundrum, I tried to list what all could be wrong. You know why is that I am uninspired despite me needing work. Here are some plausible reasons.
No access to an inspiring place to work from. I just can’t seem to get work done from where I live. I slack a lot more than I should. I lie down more than I should. I waste time on Youtube and Instagram a lot more than I must. I just can’t work once I am back from Starbucks. So today, I plan to stay there till they shut and do things. Let’s see how it goes. I have a lot to do.
I am unhappy about something else and it’s rubbing off on my work. What could that be? Relationships? Health? Money? Not sure.
I have work that’s beyond my capability to deliver? Dont think so.
I have too much work? No. I am at a point where I turning down work. This is for the first time that I am doing this! Plus, it’s not a capacity issue. I have added people wherever I can.
Too many meetings? Yes. I mean I spend way too much time in those meetings but then that’s part and parcel of work.
Guess these are it.
From the looks of it, these look like excuses and rants and third-party projections about slacking. I don’t know a way out. The city is still under preventive shut-down. Co-working spaces are still not open. The ones that are open don’t put their AC on. They remain filthy. Starbucks is a viable option but that shuts at 4. And I can’t take calls from there. Which is ok. I am ok to stay quiet on calls and come back to where I live for serious calls.
Need to find a way out!
Ok.
Enough of rant, Mr. Garg.
Moving on.
So in good news, yesterday, I literally assaulted my stomach. With oily paranthas, ice-cream, street food reheated in stale vegetable oil, chips and I don’t know what all. I need to start eating clean. And order in from places that probably understand fitness. If there are places like that. They sell vegetable, low-fat, high-carb things as fitness food. Lol. Anyway, yesterday, the saving grace was that I ate in a 3-hour window.
I am hoping to fast today. Since I plan to stay at Starbucks till 4 today and I want to avoid bread and all that, let’s see if I can manage to not eat.
So that.
In other news, I finally published my Ode to She. It’s here. This is one of those pieces that took a long time to happen but am I glad it happened! I am still not sure if this is good enough for a wider circulation but I am not happy with it. That’s the thing. When I write things, even if I dont like those, I still go ahead and publish. For that allows others to read and give me feedback. When I dont publish, the output that I have created remains hidden and there’s no way for the world to discover its awesomeness or patheticness. And I want to know both things about it. You know, if it’s awesome, I want to write more. Push it even more. If it’s pathetic, I want to know how to improve. Even if readers are unable to point out the problems, at least I know that the piece is not being appreciated. So yeah, I publish.
If you want to write for a living, you have to embrace this. You have to publish and share it with as many people as you can.
After the longish post yesterday, I am sort of black. Don’t have a lot to talk about. So, a non-meaningful update.
6:15 AM. Up a while ago. Tried sleeping at 10 but by the time I finally hit the sack, it was 12. Lemme start by recapping the mile-long rant I wrote yesterday and how I am faring at various things I talked about.
Filled water container and bottles. To a point that I don’t think I will have to order in for the next few days. Good!
Since I couldn’t work from my place, went to a friend’s. Promptly fell asleep. Lol!
Saw no Netflix. But ended up seeing almost all the videos on this channel. You must check them out! Bad.
No coffee but had a RedBull. Bad.
Ate one meal of just Dal. But then ate chips and assorted kachra throughout the day. VERY bad.
I think I need to find a non-carb thing that I can munch on all the time. I use chewing gum often but it’s either too sweet or a ball of rubber in the. I prefer something savory. Or something like Diet Coke 😀
Did 3 minutes of meditation and 5 push-ups (in 2 reps. For someone like me, 5 is like infinity. Super stoked. I need to be able to do 500 in a day. You know, if I want to build strength in my arms! Good!
Walked some 3K steps. The plan is to get out more and reach some 15K a day.
Slacking on work yet again. I still haven’t figured this as an answer.
So, more bads than goods. But then some goods nonetheless. So that’s a good thing. Need to have more goods and less bads. And then monitor these closely so that I only have goods and no bads. Ok, enough of this good and bad wordplay. Has stopped making sense.
Lemme think what I want to talk about today.
Wait. As I write this, I am back to listening to Singh is King title track. On loop.
In highlights, along with AD, I started with the Podium Writing Fellowship. The idea is simple. We want to add a leg at Podium by adding text content. Now, the niches we operate in (entrepreneurship, marketing and more) has enough and more competitors to even get started but we believe that the content we have is so good that we can rehash is. The first rehash we’d do is text-based content. You know, newsletters etc.
The trouble with it is to find people to write it. For starters, writers are a rare commodity. It’s tough to find great writers. Second, even if we find some great writers, the way we run The Podium, we don’t have enough cash flow to find writers sustainably.
So AD came with an idea to identify young writers and help them get better. Of course, the responsibility to do so is on my shoulders. I have never delivered a longish course to help others learn but I think I am excited. More than anything else, this would help me improve my writing! In the world where AI would eat creative work (you know, GPT-3), this is an attempt to remain sane by actually doing work that creates meaning.
Ok, I am digressing.
The point is, at The Podium, we are taking so many shots and doing so many experiments that I am hoping one of those will stick and make this struggle worth it, at some point. I just hope we can make enough money for everyone that works with us at The Podium. And of course at all other places where I put my time and energy.
So that.
I am back to listening to discourse by Dandapani. Today’s its this video.
He talks about finite among of energy and attention, life purpose, people that uplift you, importance of attention (over money), death (and the finiteness of life), energy vampires, staying affectionately detached to people (super important for me!), passing on the burden of responsibility, happiness (and pursuit of lifestyle that create happiness).
I love how he talks. I love his content. I think I am a fan!
Lemme try and take a stab at this. What is my life’s purpose? At a materialistic level, I still want to make a billion dollars, climb Mt. Everest and while I do both, inspire a billion people! In terms of a little more metaphorical level, I want to enable others I know to do well. Do well is an open-ended thingy. I define it by saying that whatever is your end-state that you want to achieve for yourself (make films, travel the world et al), I want you to enable you to do that!
I seek my happiness in yours. I want to see you succeed and I want to derive joy from that. I want to ensure that you live, grow, thrive on a day-to-day basis and I do whatever it takes to enable you to do that.
No, I dont have the resources to do this for a lot of people and for a living and I still need to make my ends meet. Maybe at some point, I reach that place. Whenever that is. Let’s see.
A very lengthy super-rant on all things Saurabh – work, personal, thoughts, health and everything else that makes me.
8:51. Woke up a few minutes ago.
The feeling of listlessness continues. While I am not stressed about any one thing in particular but I am discontent. I am uninspired. I am like a vegetable. I am slacking at work. I am pushing things around unnecessarily. I am wasting a lot of time on Fauda. Thank God I finished all three seasons, some 36 hours of it, yesterday. Here’s a promise to self about not see anything unless something comes highly recommended. Wait. May be that’s not the right metric. May be the right way would be to see just one thing a month. You know system vs goals. So that I can choose only select things.
I digressed. Netflix is not important. I don’t think I am addicted to it. The problem is, I am uninspired and I lack the spring in the step. There’s no, as they say, joie de vivre! You know what I am saying? My shoulders are slouched. I am being lazy where I should not be. I mean I am not even replacing the water container in the kitchen! I order 1-litre bottles. Expensive. Plastic. But then, very convenient. Damn!
And no, it’s not ok to feel like this. While I don’t chase hedonistic pleasures all the time but there’s a reason why I am here. There is things that I need to do to fulfill promises I’ve made to people. Heck, promises that I’ve made to myself. I still remember I’d once said that I would buy Mannat. No, I dont talk about these things frivolously. The idea is to aim very very high. There’s a higher purpose I chase. And so, it’s not ok to slack.
I need to snap out of it. Find a way out. Find an answer. Lemme try on this post.
So, most things that happen, there’s a cause for those somewhere deep down. You know, cause and effect? This listlessness, thus, has to be a direct outcome of one (or many) of my actions. Lemme try and list things that could be the cause. And then change those (once I spot those).
May be it’s all the crappy food I’ve been eating last 10 days? Maybe it’s fucking with my gut and with my brain and making me restless?
Maybe it’s all the coffee am gulping that’s keeping me up at night. Coupled with bad food that has upset my system, maybe coffee is acting as a larger catalyst.
I could have said it’s the lack of action on the work front. I can’t complain there. There is enough and more interesting work that I can engage in. There is of course boring, mundane, dreary things that I need to work on. There are bad colleagues. There is imperfect information. There is a lot that I can complain about. But there is LOT more that I can be grateful for on the work front. There is so many new things to do. Most things I am working on are new to me and like a child in a candy store, I must feel excited about those. But I am not!
May be I am overwhelmed by all that I am working on? At any given point in time, I have a thousand tasks open on my Asana. Maybe I am so scared and overwhelmed with the monsterity of that list? I mean imagine if you were one of those 300 at Sparta and you saw a sea of more than a lakh well-trained, heavily-armed, dying-to-kill-you soldiers. You would probably lose the battle even before it starts! May be that’s causing me hurt?
I may say that I am excited and I do well when I have so many things to do. But may be, deep down, I am scared and I dont want to do any of those?
I dont know. Looks like a plausible thing. Will come back to this.
It’s definitely not the money. While I am still in debt and the money situation is far from being ideal, I am ok on that front. I have a fairly generous credit line in Sonali, my father, NG, RD and more.
Could be it sleep? I mean it’s no secret that I don’t sleep well. Combination of shitty AC + distractions + restlessness + monkey mind. Of course I know the importance of sleep. I know a good night’s sleep is probably the biggest contributor towards well being. And I get very little of it.
Could it be time I spend on social media? I feel compelled to create an audience so that I can become independent. I am thus forced to spend a lot of time on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, and LinkedIn. And maybe the fancy lives of people is filling me with envy and making me sad?
Or do I need to get active physically? You know, yoga, running and all that? I had actually started to enjoy Surya Namaskars. But I hated the time it takes to recover after I was done. Plus I hate to waste my morning on anything but work. May be I need to get more protective about my evening time as well? The way I protect my mornings?
Is it relationships? I am probably at the lowest point when it comes to this. I’ve been away from my parents since Diwali. In terms of friends, most of those have reduced to mere transactions (both work-wise and other societal obligations). There’s no love life – active or passive. I continue to avoid places with a lot of people. Making new friends / romantic interests is an investment that I am unwilling to make. I mean I am willing to but I dont know how to.
Could it be my posture? I just realised that I am slouched forward as I type this. Nah. At Starbucks, I alternate between sitting and standing.
Spirituality? Meditation? Higher purpose? I haven’t meditated in ages now. I can look at streaks and come back and tell you guys when I last meditated. Or I can open Headspace. Wait. That’s not the point. No one cares about the date. All I care for is that I haven’t been.
Or do I need to work harder on my tiny acts that become a tsunami of gigantic proportions with time? I mean, rather than trying to find one large reason for this snafu in life, could be it that I need to make tiny adjustments and create systems that impact all of the above? For example…
Rather than ordering in each meal, three times a day, I find a place that gives me home-cooked meals (and I go back to OMAD).
I could stop having coffee altogether. If I have to go to Starbucks, I start having green tea. I know it would waste money with flavored water, but it’s ok.
Each time I have the urge to check social media, maybe I do two pushups? Lemme do two right now. Done! Three. Arms are gone.
I start taking the stairs as much as I can.
I block time after 6 PM for walks. Even if I have to take calls, I ensure that I am walking around. To hell with the world. I can give them time from 10 to 6 and that’s enough.
Rather than blocking 10 minutes for meditation, I start with 3 minutes sets?
I switch off my phone at 10:30 PM each night. One of my friends used to do it. I hated her for that but she would and she would sleep well (I am guessing). I need to do the same.
I start adjusting for not having people around and fix the dependence on others for validation, attention, conversation etc.
You get the drift.
I am not sure if I will do all or even any of these. But the deal is, there is radical change needed if I have to live till 120 and climb the Mt. Everest and all that. And it starts today.
I have this dying urge to order in some food. But I shall not. I will go to a friend’s place and get his cook to make something for me. I will start with OMAD today. Let’s see.
So that.
Kaafi heavy! Kaafi dil se!
Anyhow. In other news, I am seeing videos by Dandapani. He’s one of those rare spiritual / motivational gurus that I seem to relate to. I saw this before I launched into the above “discourse”.
No, the video did not open any third-eye per se but I will try and practice what he’s saying. That I need to do one thing at a time.
Guess that’s about it for today. Lot to think about. Lot to ponder over. Over and out.
A ranty post on how it sucks to be a failure. And my inability to do anything about it.
8:23. I am at a Starbucks. After the break of almost 3 days, I wanted to get a head start. And I did not want to be locked in my house for that. So as soon as I woke up, I shat, showered, powdered, put on a nice shirt (really! ask me for pics ;P), and reached the Starbucks.
The coffee has been ordered. The large wooden table has been staked claimed for. The calendar has been fired up. The music has been put on Youtube (I need to find new music that gets me in the zone). And here we are. Typing away to glory. #note2self. Must have clipped the nails before I came here. They’re way too long to type easily.
So the break did me good. I think. I mean for a change, I don’t know remember a single thing that I am working on. I will have to check my Asana and get my colleagues to help me with this. This is a good thing and a bad thing. Good – it allows me to sort of recharge my batteries. Bad – for someone that is so famously obsessed with work all the time, how can I even forget things that I am working on?
Ok, I dont know what else to write about. There are way too many (and too few) thoughts in my head – both work and personal. I feel I am swirling around with the same things for last so many days. May be I need to start a new project? But then I have a million projects in the pipeline that need working. All of those are stuck at various stages (of un-completion — some are yet to be started, some need some action, some are in limbo).
In fact, this is something that I kept thinking about all through the trip over the weekend. Everyone agrees that I have all the raw material that you need to become a runaway success (as defined by societal, social, and economic metrics) and yet I am struggling to even make the ends meet (I do have enough and more work these days but I mean in general. Most times I am worried where would I get the next project from).
I dont know where I lack. I am mostly not lazy. I am very resourceful. I support people without expecting anything in return.
I dont know what I need to change to become better.
Funny thing is, I know EXACTLY what someone else could do to become better at their work. In the sense that I can give them gyaan and point out the flaws in their work, life, approach etc. And I know mostly the inputs I give to people tend to work. They appreciate me for that. But when it comes to helping myself, I am unable to.
I am almost 40 and I still dont know the answer. I am beyond the best years and it’s all downhill from here on. And like I said, I still dont know the answer. I was not born to, you know, do the ordinary (make ends meet, acquire assets, raise a family, etc.). Rather, do more with my time (inspire others, help others make meaning, etc.). May be, I am a mere fool, a dreamer that refuses to believe that his time is gone and all he can do is make peace with whatever shreds are left for him to work with.
Talking of dreams, I remember a real dream from yesterday. Lol, real dream!
I dont recall all the details but here it goes. I was walking around somewhere when I saw a coin on the road. I love when I find money like that. I bend down to pick it up. I see another coin. And another. I pick them up. And then I realize that there are so many coins. I of course pick all those up. I distinctly remember a couple of coins were those tiny 10p coins. See the pic below.
A 10 paisa coin
While I was picking those up, someone comes around and says that all those coins strewed around are his. I tell him that it’s a free world and its finders keepers. And then I tell him that since he claims the coins are his, I will give them back. But I want to keep one of the 10p coins for myself.
Of course other coins are of higher value and leaving a 10p coin on the table probably seems like a bargain to the other person (who I don’t know).
The guy politely allows me to keep that coin. And that’s the end of the dream that I recall.
There are two distinct things about this.
A, I remembered a dream after ages! B, I typically do not remember these vivid details. You know, a 10 paisa coin and all that. Yesterday I did. So that.
I hope that this dream is a harbinger of greatness that I chase. And if not greatness, then of wealth!
With that, I think, its time to end the post. The day beckons. Here’s streaks…
Morning Pages / Meditations – 190
#aPicADay – 0
10K steps a day – 0
OMAD – 0
#noCoffee – 0
#noCoke – 102
10 mins of meditation – 0
#book2 – 0
Killer Boogie – 0
Surya Namaskar – 0
PS: One of the solutions to my failures could be to stop wasting time that does not contribute to revenue. In the sense that, I could stop with these morning pages. I could stop helping others. I could stop chasing all those dreams (and focus). But then the things I do right now (morning pages, throwing 100s of darts, etc) are the ones that keep me sane. If I did not have these morning pages, I probably would have gone insane (and I don’t say this lightly). If I did not throw all those darts and focussed on just one thing, I would have been out of work!
