Category: Morning Pages

190521 – Meditations

A quick post on things that are the top of my head this fine Wednesday morning.

8:29. Woke up 3 minutes ago. Had to be up at 7 to attend a docresi session. But could not 🙁 Damn damn damn. Must stop coffee. Back to the dangerous levels. Today on, it’s a strict no. Even if I need to work for long hours.

I have a long day ahead that I am already running behind 🙁

Ok. No rant. Not the first thing that I write. It’s 8:43 (took 15 minutes to wash my face, find music to play and all that). I will write till 9 and then get on with the day. Let’s see what all I get in.

In no order, things are the top of my head.

A. In the last 2 days, two different people (AAPune, HABlr) have asked me for tips and help on writing better. One of them is sort of close. Other is a mere business acquaintance. Plus a friend’s friend’s uncle wants to write his biography. I am working with him as well. So I am not just approached by friends. Yay! I am not sure what nudged them to seek help but I loved that I could recommend things to people and help them write more. I think the ability to write is a brilliant gift and if people think that I can help, why not! I think I will make a page where I would list almost all writing resources that I recommend and use! #note2self

B. I had a longish chat with AD yesterday where we spoke about things that I could do. While I want to do well with things, it somehow struck me that I want to be a deal maker. Or in ugly parlance, a power broker. I want to be someone that knows someone who can get things done for someone. I think I knew this forever and it’s just that it is not that I am being able to articulate this. I mean, I may have written this earlier, in some other post or some other place.

Thing is, I am not a doer per se. I don’t want to work on everything that I touch. I’d rather help connect dots and let the others figure the next steps. You want to buy cigarettes? I know someone. You want something exotic? I know where you could procure it. You want something done? I know just the right guy. So on and so forth.

I want to be that guy with a big Rolodex who knows which two people must talk.

Of course, there is no revenue model on this – I don’t want to charge a commission to connect things and people. I definitely don’t want to execute and then charge a fee. So I don’t know about the revenue model. At some point in time, will figure this out. Let’s see when I can do this.

C. The house hunt has come to a grinding halt over the last few days. I’ve been unable to search as I have kept busy with work and general randomness. I need to get out of this place before the end of June for sure. So need to up the effort on that.

I need to find a house that offers me space. And if possible a bird’s eye view into the distance. Right now, it has rained and I can see some green around where I live and it’s so so so soothing and pleasing to the eyes that I want to just continue to stare at it. So that.

Guess that’s about it. I mean there’s more but there are more pressing things to get to. And it’s 9:00.

Time to hit publish.

Oh, here’s streaks…

  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 157
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • OMAD – 0
  • #noCoffee – 0
  • #noCoke – 69
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0

180521 – Morning Pages

Longish rant on relationships, life and Hero’s worship. Inspired by the conduct of Bill Gates and other Heroes that I look upto to.

7:40. Yet again, a night when I did not sleep till about 3. And yet again I am groggy and yet again everything hurts. I need to fix this erratic schedule. I don’t even know what’s causing it. Coffee could be one. But I think there’s something deeper at play here. I will investigate and find out this week for sure.

Anyhow. Let’s get to work. Quite a few things to be done. Before I do that, here’s the track of the day is this. Listen here…

It was incredible yesterday. The kind of weather I have never seen in Mumbai. Truth be told, I was a tad bit scared when the winds were howling and the thundering on the windows and despite myself shutting into a closed room I could see things flying around. Heart goes out of the ones that don’t have shelter. I may not tell this to anyone else but since I sort of bare myself on the blog, I have to admit that I walked some 6000 steps in the rain. It felt longer, to be honest, but it was indeed all of 6K steps. This walking in the rain is my biggest guilty pleasure. To a point that I can drop everything I am on and just walk. At those times I don’t even care about my phone getting wet or clothes getting drenched. The muck and mud and fallen leaves and other things that I typically hate, all become a part of me. The water being showered on you may keep changing its speed but when you are out walking, it pierces your skin and literally cleanses the soul. Oh, I love baarish! And walks. Sigh!

As I write this, it’s 8:20 and it’s still windy and breezy and cold and nice outside. If I can finish this post by 9ish, I will probably go for a short walk.

So that.

The other thing that’s clouding my head is the entire Bill Gates and Melinda Gates controversy. Thing is, Bill Gates has been a role model, an inspiring figure since I can remember. He was the original person I wanted to be before Steve Jobs became the thing and then Paul Graham took Steve’s place.

Bill Gates has it all, done it all. I mean he is among the richest people in the world with all the wealth that you can imagine. His best friends include people like Warren Buffett (who himself seemed to have an open marriage). His work with philanthropy is what legends are made up of. He literally gave all his wealth away to fix some of the biggest problems in the world. His thoughts, his writing, his work have been a beacon of hope in the world we live in. At the times we live in.

Damn!

A few months ago, it was Jeff. This time, it’s Bill. I mean why’s it that these people can’t seem to keep their emotions at bay? With all the attention and access they have, why would they chase temporary pleasure to jeopardize all that they’ve stood for their lives? At the level you are at and the impact you are delivering, you do not have to conform to society. No one will ask you a question. Look at film stars and professional athletes and others of the ilk. They are at least open about their chase.

I am actually beginning to think if monogamy is a mere societal construct that’s been around to tame both men and women into becoming milder versions of themselves? I mean if despite all their wealth and power and position and all that the most powerful men and women can’t continue to stay with one partner, there must be some flaw. No?

Thing is, when ordinary people philander, you tend to ignore. You blame their actions on unhappy unions, alcohol, a lapse in judgment et al. But when the hero’s fall, you start questioning the very foundation of your belief system. Hero’s are supposed to know it. They have to have better control and mastery over their emotions. They are heroes for a reason! Plus, you’ve literally built your entire life chasing these heroes and hopes of walking in their shoes someday. It just sucks when they do things that are un-hero-like! Damn!

I felt like I was sucker-punched when I heard about Jeff. Of course, he managed the crisis far better than how Bill is managing. No, I am not justifying their actions. I am on the fence about the institution of marriage (leaning away from it, to be honest). I know I will probably not get married ever. Lol, never say never.

But then if it’s affecting me so much that these people were seeing others out of their marriages, may be, at the subconscious level, I like the idea of stable, 1v1, relationships? If I reflect on my life, I think the first real romantic relationship happened when I was at MDI. Since then I’ve had many more. I have been more “out” of relationships, than “in”.

Wait.

What’s the point of this?

I am digressing.

The larger point is that I must stop with this all adulation about heroes. I must cease the hero worship. I need to accept that people are fallible. People change. It’s ok to cut them some slack. You were born alone, you will die alone. Even the ones closest to you can only make the suffering easy, when you suffer. Why else do you need someone around?

It’s not an easy answer.

I think a large part of why I probably can’t sleep is because I miss having that special someone around? I mean I do have a few great friends that I can confide in, even if they don’t understand me (or may be am unable to make myself understand). Maybe I crave another human’s touch. You know, like a real hug and not one of those virtual things. I have to admit that I did sleep better when I could hug someone and drift into the dreamland. Except for the sore neck the morning after.

Ok. I don’t know where I am going with this. It’s 9:17 and I need to get on with the day. More some other day.

Here’s streaks…

  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 156
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0. Did about 6K in rain!
  • OMAD – 0
  • #noCoffee – 0
  • #noCoke – 68
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0. Broke a 3-day streak.
  • #book2 – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0

170521 – Meditations

A quick post as I start what looks like a long week ahead!

8:46. I woke up 10 minutes ago. It’s probably after a while that I’ve slept in this late. Must stop all the coffee and midnight snacking adventures.

Mumbai is reporting fantastic weather right now. It’s raining and it’s windy. From the vantage point of my window, while for the most part I can just stare at other buildings and look into the bedrooms of my neighbors, I can see a bit of sky, and it’s everything I love – deep blue, dark, cloudy, and more. These are the times I wish I was back at Wadhwa – I once lived on the 24th floor of a high-rise and I think it was one of the best decisions of my life. Must make an attempt to get back to that!

Anyhow. So track of the day, that I am listening to loop on is this rendition of Afreen Afreen by this singer, Soumyadeep Sikdar of the Murshidabadi Project. I just can’t get over this person’s voice. And the emotion with which he sings. Love it! Once you’ve heard that, hop over to Chaap Tilak.

So on Sunday, I bumped into someone senior (HT) that I immensely respect. I know him since 2015, I think. And since then I have been mighty impressed by his clarity, direction, and knack for getting things done. I also realized his talent with effortless charm. For one, he remembered each tiny insignificant thing about me. He asked me about book2. Wow. And slap on the face ;p! Plus, He was all praises about how I do multiple things and so on and so forth. And then he had the same feedback for me like a lot of others – find one thing and get so good at it that you are the best at it across saat samandar. And I think it made sense. And I will work on it over the next few months. So that.

I mean if I was not straddling so many boats, I would probably be unable to survive the lockdown (events – my primary occupation took a beating and I could quickly shift to marketing consulting) and that’s the validation for my chasing multiple dreams. That worked well in crisis and would probably fail when things were ok. Let’s see if I actually move the needle towards getting good at brand strategy on digital mediums.

I also used Sunday to write my review of Nomadland. Here. Wrote a thing for public consumption after a long-time. Lemme know what you think.

In other news, I start Keto today. I plan to do a 30-day cycle. Since there is no travel planned (except the day when I need the next dose of my vaccine), I should be ok. Let’s see. About 10-12 days in, depending on how my system reacts to it, I will try to reduce calorific intake. And then eventually move towards OMAD. Let’s see how this one goes.

More than just Keto, this is my larger attempt at remaining fit. This lockdown has been detrimental to my health. I am eating way too many carbs at all hours and I am fucking my health like I’ve never done. Even in the last lockdown, I managed to eat better. At least I was walking more. I may not be able to control the world outside, the one that resides in me, I can control that for sure. I can control what goes in – food, air, thoughts. I can for sure nudge my thoughts in a better direction. The last few days have been extremely taxing. There’s just way too many people out there that are suffering and then there’s way too much noise that is literally deafening. But then, I should be able to control.

I dont have anything else to talk about. I mean I do. But not for the time being.

So yeah. That. Here’s streaks…

  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 155
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • OMAD – 0
  • #noCoffee – 0
  • #noCoke – 67
  • 10 mins of meditation – 3
  • #book2 – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0

PS: Removed a few things from the streak-tracker.

PPS: I realised that I am in a far better mood, even though there’s nothing to be happy about. Just because its not hot and its raining and there’s clouds outside! Yay!

160521 – Meditations

Dumped everything that was on my head here. I liked writing this one!

7:07.
Woke up a few minutes ago. Super groggy. Everything hurts. I am dis-oriented. Every time I stretch, I hear so many pops that I am wondering if my skeleton I had slept at some 3 or something. And even then, I kept checking my phone. AM. Was working. And then I turned off the light. But couldn’t turn off the shit in my head. I even installed Instagram on the phone and tried to make conversations with people random strangers. But couldn’t persist.

7:37.
Cleaned the desk. A thick layer of dust had deposited over things after yesterday’s winds. Heated some water for me. Hopefully it will unclog the system.

Yesterday was a day when I failed at multiple counts that I don’t even know where to begin. Lemme make a bulleted list.

  • Had coffee. The idea was to not have coffee unless absolutely necessary. Of course, I had it for fuck sake. Cos I was bored.
  • I was to attend Boman Sir’s classes after a long break to celebrate the life of a fellow student who passed away due to COVID. Despite me putting alarms, I couldn’t attend. If I can’t be around people in their times of grief, why am I even alive?
  • I was to fast. But I couldn’t. The day before I ate once. So that was some consolation. Yesterday I ate I don’t know how many meals and how many carbs and all that. I ate so much that I was unable to move and I literally slept through the day. Monday on I have a Keto dabba coming. Hopefully, I will not defect and eat anything apart from that dabba.
  • Failed at NOBNOM.
  • For almost a month now, I’ve wanted to send in an entry for NFDC’s Scriptlab. I even tried my hand at it for a few days. You may remember that piece I wrote in April. I couldn’t take it to a point where it would make sense to submit. This was, is, will be super important to me. Whatever I have, I have because I’ve taken shots beyond my talent or ability. If I stop taking these shots, I will die an obscure death! Damn!

So that.

While I was writing this, I got lost in those thousand tabs that are open on like 100 windows on my computer. I dont know what to do with this compulsive habit of opening so many tabs! There are way too many things that I am interested in and there’s way too much to read, to know, to think on that I am often left lamenting about shortness of life. Of course COVID has given this shortness a whole new meaning. Ok, I am digressing. The point is that I need to find a solution to these opening-million-tabs problem.

In other news, I moved my notes and personal library to Telegram. Thing is, when I lost all the data, more than the conversation history, photos, and random trivia, I was most at a loss when I lost the temp notes that I had made for myself. Along with those notes, I had saved links, addresses, screenshots, and other tidbits that I had chosen to forget and have easy access to. As a result, I don’t even know what all I lost! And it sucks to know that I don’t have access.

So, that’s why Telegram. They keep an archive of data on their server. So even if I lose my phone, as long as I can access my Telegram account, I have access to notes and all. So that.

I’ve been complaining about the lack of action and excitement in life. I think I’ve found the answer. Thing is, I need something exciting. Something that moves me. Something that shifts me and teaches me and helps me evolve. I mean, life is as good as it could be in these times. My privilege allows me to live a good life. I am typing this on a laptop that cost me more than a lakh on a stable Internet connection at 50 Mbps, perched on a Mango Wood table that I bought years ago, while sipping onto hot water that I used an electric kettle to warm. I am safe even if people around me are suffering. I could get the vaccine because I have fast internet. My parents could get it because we could pay 250 bucks for each dose. I have enough work on my plate from a few clients that I don’t need to fret about money. They pay me well and they understand if I am unable to deliver on time. I do have a loan that I need to pay back but these are from long-term friends and family and I am ok to pay them back in a staggared manner. The daily rigmarole keeps me busy and I am grateful for that.

But after working on PowerPoint and Teams for hours, when I go to sleep, I am left questioning the meaning of life. I know I moved the needle and did work that added value to the world and to others. But I also know that it’s nothing extraordinary. Anyone with even an iota of commonsense will manage that. Probably do it better. And thus, it does not give me satisfaction. I sleep an unhappy man. I sincerely feel I can do a lot more. And I don’t know how to.

So that.

Rant hai.

Moving on.

Anyhow. So, I am starting a new project. Thanks to SG2 for the idea and kick on the butt.

I don’t know the name yet but I want to call it Art In Action. The idea is simple. I will invite some artists I have access to, to “donate” their art pieces. I would put these on sale on a website. All the proceeds from this sale go towards charities that work for people that are affected (migrant labor, people on the frontline, displaced communities, etc). No, not those fancy charities that exist because rich folk want to kill time. But the ones that actually work. Like Hemkunt (I have a friend that volunteers with their Mumbai chapter and can vouch for their work) or DFY (a friend runs this).

The thing with this idea is that the artists do shram daan, the ones that can afford art do the dhan daan and the beneficiaries receive the alms. That’s it. I know this is too little, too late. And most of this is meaningless. We are still twiddling thumbs and not really taking any action. But the idea is to do whatever can be done to raise money and support people that are actually making an impact.

There’s more that I need to think. Will probably do it over the next week and report back. Let’s see.

So, I think that’s for the day.

Here’s streak and some commentary on it.

  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 154
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • OMAD – 0
  • #noCoffee – 0
  • #noCoke – 66
  • 10 mins of meditation – 2. Had a longish chat with SG2 about meditation and how the practice makes you better as you go thru the day. If my Headspace data is to be believed, I have meditated for some 2500+ minutes and I am yet to see a tangible benefit. No, I am not quitting. I like to challenge myself to not move for 15 mins when I sit for meditation.
  • #book2 – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • Original Work (limited time only) – Removing this from today on. I was unable to work on this. #fail
  • Surya Namaskar – 1. Did 12 rounds and by the time I reached the 9th, I was literally puking all over myself!

PS: From the next few days, I will experiment with this morning meditations thingy. I will rather write for #book2. They say that for a writer, the currency that makes him tick is not the ideas in this saddle but the finished work that can be shared with the world. I don’t have anything finished. Need to get some more in my kitty. So, if I miss a day (which I haven’t since I started), please excuse! Thanks!

150521 – Morning Pages

Yet another post where words did not flow and I had to struggle to get my thoughts in order.

5:10. I woke up a few minutes ago. The eyes are still groggy. Had some water. Trying to get over with the morning pages in about an hour and then, get to some real work.

So, COVID-19 took away yet another person I knew. This one did some work for me. I spoke to her almost every month. Worked more closely with one of my partners. While I haven’t met her ever, the sense of loss was something I couldn’t fathom. I don’t know when would this carnage stop.

When I heard about it, I was ok. I was like, “oh fuck” and got onto with my life. Attended a few calls, sent some emails, did more work. Etc. Etc. But during the day once I was done with the work that consumed me, I started losing it. To a point that I literally slept through the day. And then I forced myself to step out for a walk. This was after almost a week that I went for one. I wanted to do some 20K steps but after about the 5K mark, I was so tired that I had to sit down. I had almost given up. I did give up and took a rick back from Juhu. But once I reached Lokhandwala, did another 4K types to get the 10K in.

Damn stamina. Eventually managed 10K but took some superhuman effort and a couple of 30-min odd breaks. Which is ok. 10K is what matters. Let’s see if I get to do it today.

In other news, yesterday I had decided that I would fast for 2 days. I was ok till about 6 PM but since I was tired I gave in. Ate kachra – you know, packed snacks (chips, cookies, etc) and a dosa as thin as a tissue paper with masala inside as dense as people in a tiny Mumbai house. I had this intense craving for ice cream. That I avoided. Silver lining. So fast – no. OMAD – yes. Silver lining. Kuch to sahi hua.

I ate when I saw The Saint. And then I slept. At around 9ish. And thus, I was up at 5ish. Without an alarm!

Wait. Just glanced at the time. It’s 5:30.

All my life, I’ve wanted to be up at 4. Get to work at 5. Work till 9. And then chill. Alternatively, write till 9, and then get to work around 10. Irrespective. The point is that these 3ish hours in the morning are when I think I can do my best work. I should have been able to use the lockdown as an opportunity to change my schedule to include these morning golden hours as the time when I am active. Today’s a start. Let’s see if I can do this from tomorrow on. It all depends on when I go to sleep!

So, I also started the house hunt for a cheaper house. And I was appalled to know that rentals are still sky-high. All those talks of people migrating away from Mumbai and the realty market crashing? Hogwash. For a tiny 2-bedroom apartment beyond the middle of nowhere is asking for rent that something in the heart of Gurgaon would! I think if you have to live in / around Mumbai, you need to either accept that you would live in a place where you’d have to compromise things. Or you use saam, daam, dand, bhed, or whatever else to gather around a billion dollars and buy a house. There’s no other way.

Guess this is it for the rant of the day. It’s 5:50.

Lemme get to work.

Lemme see what I can do in the next 3 or so hours, where I would try to JUST work on the NFDC Scriptlab. The deadline’s Monday and I really want to send them something, even if the odds of getting thru are negligible. You know, I want to take shots that are beyond my reach.

So with that, over and out.

Oh, here’s streaks.

  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 153
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 1
  • OMAD – 1
  • #noCoffee – 1
  • #noCoke – 65
  • 10 mins of meditation – 1
  • #book2 – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • Original Work (limited time only) – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0

140521 – Meditations

A talk with self on what I ought to be doing over the next few days.

6:10
I woke up with a bit of stomachache. I think it’s all the food from outside that I am eating. So here’s a pledge. I will not eat anything that’s not been cooked for me specifically. And if I am forced to eat something else, I will have fruits or raw veggies than cooked food. And today, I will attempt a 48-hour fast. The ambition is to do a 7-day fast but I know I may not be able to. So, will start with a 2-day one. I’ll also try NOBNOM from today on. I mean I anyway don’t consume a lot of alcohol. And I will refrain from coffee. I often walk to a Starbucks (or a Blue Tokai) and get myself coffee as a reward. I may still do it. Walk around. But rather than the Starbucks as a destination, I will try for a park or a beach or something. And in case I feel the need to reward myself, I will get an iced tea.

Thing is, I don’t like when I am unwell. I like the idea of being active. I like the idea of moving around physically. I remember as a kid, in school, I would run along the corridor even if I had the time to walk. I would hang around from the pillars around the school even if there was not a need. I loved the idea of chasing balls on big grounds. I think in each thing I did, the larger agenda has been a goal that I was gunning for. And that has stayed. I am such a goal, task, external validation, tick-box chasing whore that I can’t just do things that have no measurable, competitive output.

I thnk I need to use this as a thing to inspire me!

Anyhow.

So, I removed Twitter and Instagram from the phone. I was wasting too much time on those tools. While it was good to connect with people and learn and even offer some help, I think it starting affecting how I felt about life and the world in general. So, have removed. I will still access them via a browser – these are the places that I literally connect with people. If not for these strangers luring on these social networks. I would be very very ineffective.

Not sure what else to write. Way too much in my head. So much that I dont know what to write.

Wait. Streaks.

So, on a day-to-day basis, I track some 11 things. For most of those, apart from this post, the number remains 0. I mean I don’t do those things. I was thinking do I remove these. I mean what’s the point of putting all these zeros when I don’t do. But then, a thought popped up in my head. Why not continue. At least I spend a tiny second on each line and that in itself is a reminder that I need to do that thing. No?

Yeah! Makes sense.

So, here’s streaks and some commentary…

  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 152
  • #aPicADay – 0. I am not sure if I want to start. While it allowed me to look at things from a different lens, since I have been holed into a tiny space, not sure what I’d do with it.
  • 10K steps a day – 0. I have literally stopped walking around. Need to re-start. Along with fast, I think this is what could help me feel better.
  • OMAD – 0. Let’s see if I manage a 2-day fast. I may actually get a tick on this one.
  • #noCoffee – 0. Will start again from today. I mean I did not have one yesterday, come to think of it!
  • #noCoke – 64. Super proud. More than 2 months now!
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0. Will start again today. My first work call is at 9. If I manage things faster, I will do this.
  • #book2 – 0. Lol. I don’t think I have this in me. Will probably delete.
  • Killer Boogie – 0. Again, don’t think I am doing this. Will probably delete.
  • Original Work (limited time only) – 0. The deadline for this is 17th May. So, this will be gone in a few days.
  • Surya Namaskar – 0. Again, need to get started. Today may not be a good day but will start soon.

So yeah that. I think I am subconsciously trying to reset life. You know, discard things, relationships, habits, and all that. Oh, that reminds me, I need to discard things that I don’t use or need. Will make an inventory and put them out for sale and donate the proceeds to some gurudwara. I anyway had little attachment to material things, when I lost data on the phone, whatever emotions I had left with digital data – notes, photos, emails, contacts, things that I had parked to be used in the future, all of it is gone!

Need to live a far lighter and simpler and minimal life. Need to step in that direction. Let’s see where I head. Will keep posting here.

Over and out!

130521 – Morning Pages

Longish post on losing people, the grief thereafter and coming to terms. And notes from a film.

7 AM
This will be a long one.
And will probably among the darkest pieces I have written in a while.
Read at peril.

So, yesterday, someone I spoke to for less than 5 mins a year ago passed away due to COVID-19. All my interactions with him were limited to one 5-minute long phone call. I remember that even to coordinate for this 5-minute call there was way too much back and forth. He was driving to his office in Gurgaon and the signal was patchy. And then I was on another call and I had a patchy signal. He remained patient and understanding and all that. Despite his seniority and his experience and his connections and all that.

It’s rare to have someone like him at his level with his stature be so humble. I was impressed. My partner, who eventually recorded a conversation with him, told me that he’s seen hundreds of entrepreneurs but none like him. His vision of India, the ethics with which he worked, and the impact he wanted to leave behind was unlike any other.

Can vouch for the impact. When I heard that he’s passed away, I was speechless. You know, sucker-punched. No, I did not know him. The loss was not personal. But it felt as close as a personal one would.

I did not know what to do.

I eventually did what I do best to cope with such situations.

I escaped. Shut the curtains, switched off my phone, ordered a lot of food. Ate and slept through the day. I thought I’ve had enough of this pain and suffering of people leaving the world. I thought I was beyond such pain. I thought I had a heart so tough that nothing could plunge through. I thought I was unbreakable. Numb is the word.

But no.
Nope.
I learned I am a tad more human. I couldn’t function. I was stifled for breath and thought. Even though I spoke to him for like 5 minutes. That too almost a year ago. I was shrouded by doubt and I questioned the very existence. Why do we do things we do? And to what end? When you can go onward as randomly as this! And for no fault of yours.

Damn this fucking feeling of helplessness! Not just at doing something to prevent this loss but also the inability to cope with the loss. The inability to say goodbyes. Oh, that’s the thing that I suck even more at. I don’t know how to say goodbyes. Temporary or permanent.

I think a simple mechanism could be to not get attached to things that make you cry when you have to leave. And not let others get attached to you that they are pained when they have to leave. This will probably make us inhuman but I guess that’s the only solution.

Have no memories, have no affiliations, have nothing that binds you to a place or a thing and you are ok. I mean there must be people that are overjoyed when you call them. There must be strangers that remember you or your actions. Like I remember this gentleman’s actions. I will probably forget him with time but the way he conducted himself is a lesson.

May be, I need to minimize such interactions so that at least I don’t feel the loss at a personal level when they move on. And if they care for me, they don’t feel the same.

While writing this, I was thinking who all would feel unbridled joy when I spoke to them. Can’t think of anyone but my parents. Most other relationships are mere transactions. If I were to make a list of people I am attached to, it would run in miles! I think I need to start cutting.

Thing is, I just don’t know what to do when something like this happens. I’ve always sucked at saying goodbyes.

Anyhow. Life goes on. Yes, we need to acknowledge the pain, take a pause and reflect on what we lost and move on. The earth does not stop spinning. The chakra of life continues. Even if you don’t like it. So, being the eternal optimist, I need to take a silver lining from this. I need to up my sleeves and do more. And do fast. Life’s so so so unpredictable. Damn!

#epiphany! I realized why I am so affected by this. The guy did EVERYTHING I wanted to do in life. And thus I can relate to his life and achievements so much! When my time comes, I hope I have created a body of work that inspires others to live better.

So moving on.

Yesterday, I Saw Nomadland. The critically acclaimed film that won I don’t know how many awards. I want to write a review per se. Lemme use this post to make notes. Repeat. This is not a review. This is a collection of notes that I will develop into a review eventually.

It’s poignant and uncanny and insane that I saw this film when I am surrounded by so many people that are forced to say untimely goodbyes. To me, it’s also a film about coping with grief, coming to terms with our impermanence, thinking about mortality, and on top of it all, letting go.

So the film is about this old woman, Fern who is left alone after her husband dies and the town that they lived in is shut. She leaves on this road trip (not clear right now, will read more before I write the review) and decide to live in a van, something that is so deeply immersed in the American culture that you cant think of either without the other.

The film follows her journey as she moves around the country, taking odd jobs to pay her bills, trying to overcome obstacles that a nomadic life throws at her, and her search for herself, through the lens of others, the relationships she develops, and the community of other van-dwellers.

To me, the biggest takeaway from the film is not that there are people that have chosen a nomadic lifestyle by living in their vans. But is about how you seek and you need and you must have a community of others that believe in the same ideology as you and how the bond that you form with others in the community helps you tide over your personal battles. In fact, all my life, I’ve wanted to build a community of such people, others trying to find answers. Just that in Nomadland, the community is of people that seek freedom and I want to create a community of people that want to do more and push us, humans, ahead. I think this bit about community and the need to belonging is probably the most fundamental of all our needs. Something that we are willing to kill for. You know the world today is seeing that the need to belong to a certain ideology is making people blind!

I loved how the film filled the vast, empty, remote American landscapes with dense emotions and turmoil that each character seems to be going through. As an aspiring filmmaker, this is something that I need to note and work on when I get to make my film.

I loved how each character had a backstory that was told by them. The fill reversed the old age tip about showing and not telling. I mean there’s a lot of telling, lot of symbolism but a large part of the film is tell.

I loved how the film spoke to me at a personal level – I don’t want to be in a hospital when my time comes.

I loved the juxtaposition of struggle fight against large businesses like Amazon and then, on the other side, reliance on such businesses to pay your bills. The neverending fence that divides capitalists and free-right advocates.

Let’s see what else comes to me once I start writing.

Thing is, great films not just tell a story but change something in you. You shift as an individual after you watch a great piece of cinema. You empathize with the character so much that you want to make changes in how you live! I am thinking I will get a car and start living a life where I just have things that I can carry in a briefcase. Even the books I will donate. Or pack and send to long-term storage (aka my parent’s home in Delhi). Lol!

Moving on.

Need to get on with the day. Before that need to write something. To be able to think better (I think better when I write). So I’ve been feeling shitty and listless for last few days. I think I have pinpointed. It’s the relationships I have and the company I keep. I need to end a few. You know how you need to get better by amputating the part that puts the body at risk?

That!

Here’s the streaks…

  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 151
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • OMAD – 0
  • #noCoffee – 0
  • #noCoke – 63
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • Original Work (limited time only) – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0

120521 – Morning Pages

A shortish rant that took me forever to write.

9:21 AM. I woke up about 10 minutes ago. Yeah, I slept till late today. After a lot of days I slept at 2ish and like most of these days, I slept intermittently. I’ve washed my face, downed a liter of water, and sitting on my chair, and yet I am drowsy and droopy and sloppy and all that. I am making typos like I was a child still learning how to type.

So, its 10. All I’ve written is one para above with some 50 words. Lol!

I think something’s off with me. There’s no joy in life. You know, excitement. Nothing seems to affect me anymore. To a point that I am not moved by anything. I have close friends losing their parents and I am untouched by their pain. I have classmates donating a million doses of vaccine and while I marvel at their work, I am not proud that I know such people. I am working on my first angel deal (something that I’ve wanted to do all my life) and yet there’s no excitement. Guess this is what they call ennui. Or even languishing. Am oscillating between so many emotions, all over the place, all the time that this cocktail of emotions and hormones in my head is not helping. At times, I see Instagram feeds and I get inspired that I want to get fit and dream of running 10o-mile marathons. At times I see awesome work done by others and I want to do more than what I am doing right now. At times, I get sad about the meaninglessness and randomness of this entire thing called life. At times I wish I was one of those lucky ones to have won the Ovarian lottery and born as a kid with a silver spoon up my ass. At times I want to work so hard and game the systems and make money like a mad man. At times I want to give away whatever little I have and become a monk. Actually no. This is not right. I would never be a monk. I would never sell my Ferrari. I am a capitalist at heart. But may be a conscious capitalist.

I think this capitalist in me is not getting a release and that’s causing the feeling of sadness, grief, and listlessness. I don’t know how to help.

The only good thing happening these days is the docedge sessions. When I am in those sessions, I see WIP work from other participants and I get the hope that at some time in life even I can tell stories that need telling. I think when I am learning new things, I am happier. I think the lust for being a perpetual WIP is what gives me hope and gives me a reason to wake up in the morning. I think I need to find more opportunities like that. You know, meet other creative people, get inspired, and shoot for the Moon Mars.

Ok, more words are not flowing. Guess I will break. Let’s see if during the day I feel any better. Hope others are not in this zone.

Here’s streaks…

  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 150 (this is 151st post)
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • OMAD – 0
  • #noCoffee – 0
  • #noCoke – 62
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • Original Work (limited time only) – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0

P.S.: While reviewing this before I hit publish, I realise that a big cause of my grief is piled onto me by others. When I say others, I mean people I know and care for. Not strangers. You know, friends and colleagues and others. Thing is when people I care for, when they talk to me rudely or curtly, I lose it. Each time this happens, I get affected for like a week and takes me forever to recover. Need to become a lot more harsher with self and stop this loop of expectations. May be that’s a way out?

Not sure. Way too much on my head. Later.

110521 – Meditations

A quick post about things that are on the top of my head. Nothing special here. Read if you want to.

6:07. Been up for a bit. I woke up with the phone. I slept with it. I need to change this habit. There was a time when I would sleep away from the phone. Not anymore. The phone has become a constant companion. One reason is that there is so much to catch up on – not in terms of work but in terms of people – you know if everyone is ok. Does anyone need any help? Even things like if vaccination centers are open so that I could book slots. It’s a painful time to be around. And I live alone. No, I don’t feel the need to have someone around me. So the phone becomes the constant companion. The virtual world becomes the real place where I live and learn and thrive and all that. People I know from Twitter are now closer confidantes compared to the ones I know IRL. The phone, ladies, and gents have had a role to play in that. And thus, I wake up and sleep with it.

Anyhow. Today’s post will be a tiny one. I have a lot to finish before I start with Docedge sessions for the day. And today’s sessions are a lot about how to construct a scene visually. I thus need to get going. Lemme quickly dump what all is on my head.

So I took the COVID vaccine on Saturday. All of Sunday I was ok and I was laughing at it. I was actually admiring my immunity that I was the only one to not have any side effects of the vaccine. Till it all came crashing down on me yesterday. I just couldn’t function. I literally passed out while typing a message. By evening I was ok but it was a scary scary thing. I anyway hate medical shite!

Saw a tweet where a stranger was talking about 5-day water fast. I want to be able to do the same. In fact, once every 2 months. I have managed 50 odd hours a few times but I never touched 4 days, leave alone 5. Apparently, the 3rd day is the toughest. I think I will do this next week. Making a note. Let’s see if I manage. Also, such long fasts apparently put your body in Ketosis and the brain starts to work on overdrive. The things you do to stimulate the brain by coffee and psychotropics and alcohol and other such things can happen merely by staying hungry? In fact, KG told me that apparently, Michelangelo would stay hungry for weeks and then start painting! Well, too many apparentlys there. But the point is, I need some additional help, some unfair advantage to be able to fulfill my potential! If fasting can give me that and it’s only about controlling what you eat, why not?

I started the house hunt. Since I am just starting, I am hoping to get one without brokerage. I looked at some places on the western line. And then some in Thane. So far, I don’t like any. Most of the places listed on these real-estate websites are probably the ones that no one takes! This broker mafia needs to be broken and for some reason, no startup has been able to do that! Wonder why. I mean I know why but as a consumer, it sucks that the apparently simple problem hasn’t been solved. I hate this inconvenience that gets thrown at me each year. Whoever said that its a better financial decision to not buy a house probably did not have to hunt for a rental property.

Guess this is it. I mean there is more on my head.

Like…

  1. I need to apply to NFDC’s Scriptlab and I am very very far from that. The deadline is next Monday. I have like 6 days to get that done. Let’s see if I manage. Taking more shots, outside of my league. You know.
  2. I need to figure out the future of Podium. I feel there’s a lot of potential in what I could do with it. We have some superlative content there.
  3. I need to ship that SoG book. The thing that I am yet to touch! It was supposed to ship in Jan. I think I need someone to help me ship things! Grrr…

Anyhow, over and out. Let me get onto work before I start wailing in self-pity.

Here’s the streaks…

  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 149
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • OMAD – 0
  • #noCoffee – 0
  • #noCoke – 62
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • Original Work (limited time only) – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0

100521 – Meditations

A friend lost his father yesterday. This is a note to self about how I feel. Please read with caution.

7:42 AM. I had one of those sleepless nights. To a point that I even played chess at like 2:40 AM when I couldn’t get sleep. Last night, I know why I couldn’t sleep. I was hurting to start with. The COVID injection that I took has made my arm useless. There’s no body ache per se but the lower back hurts more than the arm. Plus, under the garb of eating comfort food, I have been putting crap into my stomach. As a result, there is thus perpetual pain in my stomach. And I am left feeling pukish all day long. I am hoping this would get better during the day.

How I feel is not important. There’s another thing that I want to log. A dear friend’s father passed away due to COVID. He was in the hospital and was getting good care but apparently, he couldn’t see the pain and suffering around him in the ICU where he was admitted. He sort up gave up the will to live.

Fuck!

When I heard it, I was so numb that I did not know how to react. Honestly, I had not met him ever but the friend is one of the most creative minds that I know of. I’ve studied with him, spent substantial time with him, had made multiple plans to do multiple things with him (all in the content space), even lived at his place when I was in the US for the first time. Even though his house was tiny and I had my parents and my sis with me, he accommodated us. Like a good friend.

Damn! I don’t even know what he’s feeling right now. Thanks to my parents, even though I am nearing 40, I have always stayed away from these vagaries of life. I don’t know what it means to lose a loved one. I know at some point in time I will have to face the loss. I can’t even think how it would feel. Last time another friend’s father passed away, I had similar feelings – of confusion, of not knowing how to console the friend and his family, of not being able to fathom the loss, of not being able to speak at all. It was unreal.

This time, no, I am not better prepared. I am as shocked and clueless in terms of how to talk to him and be that shoulder. I don’t know what to do to help him. I mean what can help someone who’s lost his father? Damn! I hate this chakra of life and death. I know this cycle is needed but the pain it causes is so so useless.

This also reminds me of my last trip to the ICU. This was in 2017 (or may be it was 2018) and I was getting my nasal polyp operated upon. It was a fairly simple routine and I was in a private hospital with a comfortable room with an attached loo and an attendant 24X7. After the operation, I was kept in the ICU for about 12 hours and I think those were the worst 24 hours of my life. Since I was recuperating from anesthesia and my nose was blocked. That meant that I had to breathe in through my mouth. And that meant the entire mouth, the nasal cavity, the lungs, and all that was as dry as the Sahara. At a more expensive hospital, they would have given me tubular oxygen but we couldn’t afford that. And thus I was literally dying of thirst. I remember getting in and out of consciousness. Each time I could open my eye, I remember begging for water. And the attendant not allowing me any. She wouldn’t. She knew her job well. Plus, in the ICU, there was no one but the medical staff. And I was a mere patient pestering for water. A case number. A nuisance.

I remember, I even told them that I want to give up if they cant give me water. But I do have vague recollections of me reminding myself of Man’s Search for Meaning and other such motivational things. I kept telling myself that I could be suffering on the outside, I could be subjected to all the bodily pain, but on the inside, in my head, it is up to me to remain unbreakable.

Somehow I got thru. But I know I could last because I was there for all of 12 hours. Any longer, I would’ve given up.

I promised myself that day I will do whatever it takes to never go to a hospital again. Thankfully, I havent had to. I have continued to not take medicines and let my body heal myself. I know the lifestyle I have, I will probably need a doctor soon. But for the time being, I am ok.

Coming back to the friend, I just hope he tides through this. The loss is irreparable. This COVID crisis has made us humans immune to suffering – there is so much around us that we have accepted to live with it. It’s a good thing for the human race in general. But it’s a terrible terrible thing for individuals that have to face the loss. Like I said, I am unable to even fathom how to talk to people that have had to see a loss. I am not brave like that. It sucks.

I just hope that the day gets better as we go along. And the coming days too.

Over and out.