October 2024 | aboutSG

“Khada hoon, kahin bhaga nahi hoon”

It’s no secret that I am a fan of Nath Saab.

For the uninitiated, he’s a friend’s father. He’s lived a very interesting, full life and has seen ups and downs and more. While I met him just a couple of times, that too, in passing, I consider him like a guru who’s taught me from afar. He’s the Drona to the Eklavya in me. I’ve heard numerous stories from my friend, her husband, and her relatives. There are hardly any interactions with the friend when a Nath Saab story doesn’t pop up.

The other day I met her for something and I was talking about my challenges with managing working capital at C4E. She mentioned Nath Saab and of course a story from him.

I will spare the details but in broad strokes, the story goes as follows…

Nath Saab once fell on hard times. He had to take some business loans – from individuals and institutions, and he was unable to pay them back in time. When he knew he wouldn’t be able to pay, he went to the creditors and told them, “Main khada hoon, kahin nahi ja raha. Aaj nahi hai. Jis din honge, wapas doonga.”

And he did.

Found himself a job, earned, saved and paid every penny back, bit by bit.

This translates into, I am not running away. I dont have the money right now and the day I get it, I will pay you back.

Now, this seems like an inconsequential statement. But to me, this amplified Nath Saab’s reputation even more. He went many notches higher. And gave me one of the greatest life lessons ever.

That we are nothing but our reputation.

And different people have different ways to build, grow and sustain reputations.

For Nath Saab, it was his zubaan.
Similar to what Rajesh Sir taught me.
Something that I am developing as I get older.

To me, this means I want to respect other people’s time and do what I say I will do. I will also bring my passionate, energetic, best self to every conversation I am invited to. I will add yathashakti value to every interaction I am a part of. I will want to ensure that I do my best when no one is watching. I bring my A-game to circuit boards, wooden fences and everything else.

See these two exhibits from Steve Jobs.

In the first, he’s talking about designing PC Boards that no one’s gonna ever see. Here’s a snippet.

Another snippet from him is from his interview with Playboy magazine in 1985 (I don’t know how many of you were even conceptualised at that time) where he’s talking about carpentry.

So that!

I will do whatever it takes to do my best. And I know my best will often be poor for others. And that’s ok. I am not ice cream and I can’t please everyone. But I will continue to show up and give my best. I think, if I were around Steve, he would’ve fired me a hundred times for not being good enough!

Wait. I digressed. Like always.
Back to reputation.

So what is reputation?

My loose definition is, what people think of you and describe you as when you are not in the room. Reputation is a proxy for trust. It dictates if others would want to engage with you or not. In the long-term, iterative and repetitive games of the world we live in (which is built on pillars of mistrust) get easier to play, better and more rewarding if your reputation is top-notch.

Think of Nath Saab.
The fact that he stood around and acknowledged and did not run away adds to his reputation.
I would love to be around such a man.
You?

I understand that reputation is not merely about intent or actions. It’s often about outcomes. I know giving my best with my best intent may not translate into even average outcomes. And I am ok with it. I know this is counterintuitive and folks in this day and age only want to talk about what you get done this week.

I know that at C4E, I am pushing folks to talk about what they got done (and not what they did). I know this is hypocrisy at its very best. And I ok with it. I am trying to find a balance between the two. I want to push for greatness and yet I don’t want to break people along the way. And I am sure with time, I will find my way. Or maybe not. As long as I am standing with my spine straight, I am ok.

Coming to building, sustaining and growing reputation, I think the most important is what they call the 8th wonder of the world – compounding.

The way you behave, operate and act over time becomes your reputation. And then each act from thereon adds to it. And if you do it well, it compounds!

The scary part is, that the first time you defect, the reputation shatters. Think of glass. Once it’s got a crack, you can’t do anything about it. You have to start all over again. If you have the time left to start. And at my age, I dont have the time. So, I am very very protective of my reputation. Even at the cost of letting go of opportunities.

So, you must protect your reputation at any cost. Of course, there are exceptions (think businessmen, politicians, film stars and all that). Just that I am not an edge case, yet. I am at best a mid-wit at best and thus I need to work hard to build and uphold it. Nath Saab has built his over so many years with deliberate work and effort.

I did something similar a few weeks ago. I said no to something that I knew was a sure-shot way to make money and create impact but it would have meant that I would lose my reputation. Strangely it was just me (in a group of 10 other super smart folks) who thought that my reputation was at stake. Maybe if I were not a midwit, I would’ve taken the plunge! Anyhow. Different story for a different day.

Coming to reputation and lessons from Nath Saab.

As I try and scale C4E and see what else can we apply ourselves to, I think I need to be reminded of this reputation as the starting point and even the destination. And I think I would do well if at the age Nath Saab is at, I have a reputation like his.

With this, here’s a question and a request.
This is an anonymous form you can fill in to give me feedback.

The Evocativeness of Elon

Been reading and thinking about Elon’s team catching that rocket in midair. See this…

While everyone acknowledges that it’s a marvel of science and is that tiny step for a team that would mean a giant leap for humanity, the event did a lot more for me.

It has thrown my thinking about life and all in turmoil. I have way too many, too conflicted thoughts. Here’s an unfiltered, unedited brain dump.

If I slay some sacred cows, I am guilty.
If I ruffle some feathers, I am guilty.
I am in a funk and I need some shocks to get out.
Would appreciate some feedback and inputs.

Let’s go…

1/ Is Paul Graham’s founder-mode really a good place to operate from? What if the cost of human progress is to be not-nice to others?

Context – I’ve been nice all my life and I have nothing to show for that. This is when most of my idols have been not-nice to others (Steve, agency guru, etc) and have been very mission, outcome and outcome oriented capitalists! The nice ones that I follow have been mild successes at best. The wild ones are the ones that were not so nice. So there’s some anecdotal evidence there.

With C4E, I had set out to build a culture-first, nice place and almost 4 years in, we are still not close to any sort of success. We struggle to meet our payroll each month. People are happy but the org is not thriving.

May be I need to shift my stand and let niceness and humanness and culture go to hell and do whatever it takes to go win.

Assuming I can do that!
Assuming I have it in me to be unkind to people to get things done.
May be I should accept that I will never be a wild success and go sell stupid courses on Topmate 😀

2/ Do I double down on respecting the art and ignore the artist?

Context – I am often able to abstract the outcome from the people who make it happen (most of Bollywood and agency business is that in the first place). I try to spot lessons even in the worst personalities. With this rocket (live streamed via his Starlink!), and my money to get Twitter premium and my want of getting a Tesla some day to my admiration for his speed with xAI and my fascination with neuralink and many more “signs” (see Huang talk about Elon, couple it with Munger talking very briefly about Elon), do I index more on output, progress? Or do I continue to be nice? And accept that I will never be successful and all that? And get that topmate account 😀

3/ Do I stop investing in people? And get mission-oriented, project-oriented, money-oriented, outcome-oriented only?

I often think of myself as Karna and Yudhisthir – an irrational fool when it comes to giving, even to strangers. And in the case of loved ones, give while harming self. And all this giving and investing has happened only because I am long-term greedy. I have hoped that today am ok to live like a pauper and have others live like kings so that tomorrow, it will be a king-like life for all of us and more. You know, compound.

But in life, I’ve seen that when I need people, they, sort of, don’t show up. I understand that they are not obligated to. But even the basic “am with you” narrative changes once they get into ivory houses and look down at my rundown tent with disgust and indifference.

I can’t forget a time a couple of years ago when I was down to my last 500 bucks and despite knowing this, my best friends called me for a rando party at some shady bar where we paid crazy money for alcohol that I anyway dont drink. After that incident, I didn’t commute to even meet clients cos I didn’t have the money on me. And I have stopped going to parties with that group unless there’s M.

No, I am not sore.
I am merely old. Lol.
No jokes apart, I write this with equanimity and I know life and things and people change. I haven’t stopped investing in people. I haven’t stopped supporting whoever I can. I know I am being taken for a ride and I play along. If I can be that ladder that they can use to get ahead, why not? Life is supposed to be grand for all of us. There’s so much magic around us. Abundance!

Again, I am not complaining about people and the change. I am merely saying that I’ve lost business, opportunities, money and more importantly time by being nice.

Do I stop being nice and start being a bitch?
Or accept that my fate is that of a failed coach who sells courses?

4/ Do I have it in me to take a shot at grandness?

This is the most important one. Do I have it in me to even take a shot at greatness? A classmate (he’s not a friend) from MDI Gurgaon told me some 10 years ago that he had accepted that he would never be a CEO and thus he will do whatever he can to get a great life.

Today, he and his family are in the US, and have an easy life of a Silicon Valley DINK executives (last I checked, his wife leads HR for THE payments company of the internet).

Should I just accept that I will never be the one to make that ding in the universe? I will never send those rockets up there and catch them. Wait, I dont even want to send rockets up there. Lol. I am not inspired by space as the space. I’d rather make life beautiful, engaging, full of experience and better for people here or wherever we are. Mind it – not happy. But engaging and all.

The thing is, Elon’s solving for survival and making us interplanetary. I was and I want to solve for us living “better” – you know, the one where you are free, have the freedom to do whatever. And you choose what is life for you – you could be like my friend (who wants it easy and is going for hikes and runs and pickleball and concerts and holidays and all) or you could be like me (always on a treadmill and remain unidimensional about work and all) or anywhere along this spectrum.

You choose.

Ok, and thanks to this vagueness, I dont know what the output would look like. And thus the fuckery.

5/Maybe I will stop talking about the ding and find my tiny little hamlet where we make a better life for people who choose to be there.

You know the village.

Where we invite nice people to live AND work with us. We create something that people really value and are willing to “give their lives” for – both for creating and consuming. I can think of people like DHH (and Basecamp), Shashank (the creator of The Whole Truth), impact investors (maybe – I have a very cynical view of impact as the space) and others.

These people are at the right intersection of things – build “good” things that they love to build, create a “free” life, sell to a LOT of people on their terms, and care deeply for their customers (to a point that they’d shift business strategy if they hear a lot about it) and continue to chase and optimise for personal growth.

Some of these people find balance.
Some remain on the treadmill.
May be that’s the way to go for me?
May be I need to double down on C4E Labs?
That will mean I move to Ahd.
I dont know if I want to go there 😀

TBH, apart from the location constraint, nothing stops me from pivoting to C4E Labs. At least I would have the freedom to create things that I want to. And hopefully, at scale! And I would be living around nice people who do nice things for the world at large to live a nice life!

The trouble is, this would mean quitting C4E in its current form – and at a time when things seem to be looking better for us – we have some reputation, some clients, some really engaged, great people doing great work with our tenets of reliability. We are looking at expanding the team and getting more clients. Etc etc.

Or maybe I can run the two. I dont know. What if I run both into the ground? But then this is also not akin to making a ding. This is at best a good compromise for the failed attempts at making dings. If not C4E Labs, maybe find something like what Tons Valley Shop team is doing.

However, there’s no product that I am uniquely passionate or excited about.

Maybe something in the health space?

Lately, I’ve been invested in that – thanks to work. I had a co-founder opportunity that I let go cos I didn’t align on vision and people. If Elon had caught that rocket earlier, I would’ve probably joined it 😀

I have a founding team opportunity that I will get closure on either today or tom. It will still not be a ding but it will solve for problems at scale.

The best part is that if it pans out, C4E would benefit. And it would be a nice thing where I don’t need to be in the founder mode :D.

So may be that?

If not for Labs, I can even think of faith-based orgs. You know, churches, temples, Hare Krishna etc. Faith becomes paramount and everyone is happy. No, I can’t create this. At best, I can think of Vipassana folks.
But no. HARD NO!

So that.
Ok, I have vomited a word salad.
PS: I first wrote this on Twitter / X.

Now that I’ve written. Must write more.
I know that I need to move on from people-first.
I also know that I may not be project-first.
I also know that I will need to find a “compromise” I probably need to unlearn a lot and learn more lots.
At 42.

Sigh!
Chalo onto work.

Oh and disclaimers. This really is an unfiltered stream of thoughts. This is unedited. This is not how I would publish a lot of things. But living in public, FTW!

The Chest Discomfort Drama

So the last few days I have had some weird pain in my chest on the left side. Now this could be something to do with the heart, or lungs, or muscles, or even gas, if nothing else. And since I’ve been reading a lot about health, sleep, longevity and all that, I am of course concerned. And unlike the Hernia that I have come to accept as a feature of my body and live with (I bear the pain most of the day), I am worried about this one.

Before you get alarmed, I am going for a check-up. And apart from the pain in my chest and shoulders, I don’t have any other symptoms (I have none of these that are typical of cardiac unrest – shortness of breath, sweating, dizziness, nausea, anxiety, indigestion etc). And I have been sleeping well, at least my whoop data tells me that. In my books, well means 6+ hours of restful sleep on average in the last few days.

So, any search on the internet about anything to do with discomfort in the chest will convince you that you are getting a heart attack and you are dying from it. And even if it’s a false alarm, I don’t want to die right now. I mean I am not afraid per se of death. I know it’s an inevitable destination and in the words of Steve, “Death is very likely the single best invention of Life”. Again in his words, “It clears out the old to make way for the new.” And I’ve seen this in action. However, I have a lot to do at this point. All this “lot to do” may be subjective, meaningless etc etc in the large scheme of things (I can be a nihilist at times) but to me, at this point in time in life, they matter. And I am willing to kill for those. Well, at least live for those. Plus, I run a village right now and the village may not be able to survive without me. I know I am giving myself too much importance but that is where it is. It may not even survive with me at the helm but at least I would’ve tried and I wouldn’t be an armchair activist.

So, while my aversion to organised medical institutions is well-known, I’ve got myself an expensive appointment with a doctor who looks fit, at least from his photos (Thanks Naval for the tip). And I am hoping that he will be unlike other doctors. If this one doesn’t turn out to be good, I’ll chat with someone else. And then maybe one more. And then hang my boots. Oh, I do have Ashi, a friend and a doctor who I trust.

The thing is, as I age, I need to find someone in the medical fraternity to look for me. I don’t trust the way doctors work – pumping you with medicines. I’d rather trust a person like Steve Jobs, Elon Musk to help me navigate my health. They would of course be capitalist as fuck and make a lot of money off me but I trust them to do the right thing for the customer.

Anyhow, I digressed.
Coming back to the point.
So I have this random pain.
Unlike I’ve ever had.

And it’s been persistent for a few days and has increased in frequency and intensity and area.

And I need to thus figure out what’s wrong with me. And since I don’t know what’s wrong, I have speculated on the worst-case scenario and on the best-case scenario. And while I did that, I tried to detach myself from my thoughts and I tried to observe myself with a third-party, equanimous lens.

And here’s what I found.

A/ I saw a middle-aged man relook at his will.

B/ I saw a man scared of the inevitable.
I could see that one night the man was afraid to even fall asleep. What if he didn’t wake up the next morning? In a flurry of texts, I shared a lot of hidden fears on Twitter. Go find what night was that, if you are curious.

C/ I saw a man in denial about how he lives his life.
You know, as a modern-day hippie, refusing to fit in.

I saw this man circle through the stages of grief. I learnt from AD and ND that when in adversity, you could rather be a problem-solver and go over these stages fast. Some people never get over it. AD got over his latest grief in like 1 hour. ND takes a day. This man took 4 days.

In his case, there was more confusion than anything else. But now he’s accepted it and is in a solution mode.

D/ I saw a lazy man who would make all the excuses he could to avoid going to a doctor. One time he made an online appointment and waited for the doctor to confirm. Then he made an appointment and cancelled. And today, as he writes this, he will finally go! Unless the laziness gets the better of him during the day.

E/ I also saw the man go over his latest health reports (last check-up in Mar 2024) and try to make sense of those. Till at least 30th of Mar 2024, apart from some inflammations and a high HbA1c, most markers were in place. Even the LDL and HDL were in permissible limits. So, I am not sure if you can fuck your heart health so bad in 5 months. See the confusion? And if I have, I have. And we shall find a solution.

F/ At no point I had an existential crisis per se.
I was worried and all that but I didn’t really lose sleep. I think I am blessed in that department. I sleep well. At least my whoop tells me that. So that’s one saving grace. As I write this, the previous night’s data says that I got 6+ hours of sleep (which I think is good for someone like me) and out of that I had 4+ hours of restorative sleep!

Post edit – I was indeed worried one night. I did mention it in point B.

Post edit 2 – as I edit this, I haven’t slept well last night.

G/ The man is at jo hoga dekha jaaega stage and not worried.
He took a pragmatic look at things and decided that in the case of the inevitable, he would put affairs in order (means find money for ageing parents, close things at work, disappear from the internet) and accept the inevitable. And accept that some mysteries in life can never be solved.

H/ Finally, I saw an old man, who refuses to grow up and act his age.

Ok, the man’s taking a break and is on his way to see a doctor. In a grand ceremony of sorts, he handed his computer (essentially his life’s possessions) to his trustworthy lieutenant and walked into the hospital.

POST VISIT

The man saw a doctor.
He shared his lifestyle, data, history etc.
He chose the heart doctor that looked the fittest.
He got some consultation.
He got his BP done twice (once it was 150-90 and then it was 130-90).
He got an ECG done.
He even tried to sell an health-tech idea to the doc 😀

The eventual recommendation from the doc was that there’s nothing to worry about and to rule out things, we can do more tests. So the man is in the process of doing those tests.

Oh, the doctor also mentioned that this could also be a result of anxiety. And here was this man – thinking that all was well with him in the head department!

So anyhow.
Very anti-climatic.
Much ado about nothing.
Or maybe there is something to worry about.
Time shall tell.

But in all, this was a very interesting, harrowing last 14 days.
I hope I sleep well tonight.
Post-edit – I did not.
Oh, by the way, I am gonna call this my rebirth and I am gonna take care of my village and my people.
Come on, universe.

Oh, in case someone wants to see my ECG report, lemme know.

Notes from a conversation between Derek Sivers and Andrew Wilkinson

I heard this podcast. And like most times when I come across something interesting or inspiring, I write into people!

So I wrote to Derek.
And here is a part of that email.
Paraphrased for a blog post.

Derek’s honest talk made me reflect on my own life and at 42 (am at that age where I ought to have all the answers :D). Here are some things that I thought about

1/ Explorer vs Leader.

Derek says he’s an explorer. I think I am the same. An explorer at best. While at work, I am supposed to lead a team per se, I have lately realised that I am probably a modern-day hippie who’s supposed to explore. And as Derek mentioned, I need a Queen / King to allocate resources and a leader to go in one direction and do things.

So I am on constant lookup for people that can enable me and support me. I am lucky that I have some folks that have chosen me.

2/ Life optimised for personal growth (and not for status).

I won’t lie – I’ve thought about chasing status but the more I age, the more I realise that I am not very keen on status games. I am also inspired by Naval and his thoughts on status games. On Naval, he also talks about long-term games with long-term people and I recently read one of Derek’s essays about super long-term thinking.

I’ve always explored with the intention of doing the next thing and the underlying intention has always been growth. And personal joy.

I also tend to stay away from folks that are invested into status games.

3/ I am a Xenophile too.

Before I saw Derek’s website, I did not know I was one!

I mean I come from a place like India where we have a million subcultures and yet I pine for foreign lands. I am lucky that I’ve travelled to a few places.

Oh, Derek also talked about the stubborn visionary that built Dubai. This is my phrase of the week, till I find the next one to latch onto.

4/ Optimal level of fame.

You know, the more I think about life and what I want from it, I really want to have access to people, places and things that seem interesting to me. These could be the poorest of neighbourhoods and fanciest of hotels. This could mean an internet billionaire on one side and a lumber worker on the other. This could mean a ticket to ride to Mars or entry into a private forest in some hills.

I would love to have just that level of fame that gets me access to these places. I don’t know what I would do with this access. This also connects beautifully with being an explorer, accepting beliefs that are useful to you (rather than them being universally true) and of course, personal growth!

5/ Questioning your biases and beliefs

Derek talked about some of his. And I am inspired to change some of mine. Starting with the one that I’ve help for a long long time – that I don’t goto people’s homes. And I will change.

Thing is, for some reason, I’ve never been comfortable intruding on people’s personal space. Maybe it’s my reflection of my own space that I like to not share. May be its the manifestation of me never having a good home. I remember this idea became much more stronger during the lockdown when I lived in an absolutely bare shell space. And thus, I always meet people outside (at cafes, restaurants etc). Going forward, I will try to go to their homes and know their stories.

6/ What I really want from life?

Lemme break this into parts.

A – While answers may not be easy about what I want in life, I keep coming back to this one quote from a poet, Kabir.

Sai itna dijiye, jaame kutumb samaay,
main bhookha naa rahoon, sadhu na bhookha jaaye

This translates loosely into, “Oh, Lord, give me enough to take care of my family. Enough that I don’t sleep hungry and yet have enough left to support others that may ask me for it.”

The point is, I want to make enough to take care of myself, my family, my people and the one I feel responsible for. If you want to go down more rabbit holes, you may want to read these three posts.

B – I am gonna think about some hard-nos for me.
One of those is that I want to control my time and I will not rent it out. So far I have been fairly successful at that.

C – Where I live.
Right now I live in a concrete jungle full of pollution etc. I really want to move to a better place – ideally to a place in the lap of nature that is cold. But I need modern conveniences and I may not get to live there.

D – Connect People.
I will invest my time and energy into becoming a people connector. I do this already but I will amp this up. To a point, that this becomes my identity. I am yet to get clarity on this but I will find it for sure.

I also want to invest in communities. Not in terms of giving back, but in terms of the tribe of people that you want to be with. I want a lot of folks around me and I will build those networks.

7/ In the end

From the podcast, this quote Andrew caught my eye / ear- “treasure you seek is in the cave you are afraid and reluctant to enter”

This is what the theme for the rest of 2024 would be. That I need to act on things that I am afraid of doing.

Let’s see how that goes for me.

That’s about it.

As always, please poke holes in my thinking!

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