Tag: Epiphany

120721 – Morning Pages

While talking to a friend last night, epiphany happened. And here’s a record of that.

6:20. Woke up a few minutes ago. I feel ok. Not as full of energy as I would want to be. But then, not drowsy either. It’s fascinating to see bodily functions come to life. On today’s agenda, before anything else (and after these morning pages) is Surya Namaskars. And if all goes well, 10K steps, at least. And unless I am running late, I am not taking lifts for up to 10 stories.

Today’s gonna be a busy day. A lot needs to be done. And most things were to be done as of yesterday. So, a busy day indeed!

Yesterday, they released information about a film based on Navrasa. The film is an anthology of stories, being made by Maniratnam. And that means it will be a great piece of cinema to watch. And that means people would be more aware of the concept from here on. And that means that my book2 will always be considered inspired by this. While I am ok with the comparison and all that, the lesson for me is that I need to do things fast. Soon. Even if I am not prepared.

In fact, I was having another conversation with someone about something similar. I was talking about how as an artist it is important to ship your work — books, paintings, poems, etc. And to be able to ship, you MUST seek whatever help you can get access to. I mean if you write, get an editor. If you paint, you must get apprentices to help you visualize. I believe that the lone genius needs an army of believers to enable the creation to come out. I can give many anecdotal pieces of evidence to support this. The point is, I needed to get the second book out in 2015. The first half of 2021 is over and even after 6 and half years, I am far from any sort of shipping. So that.

Anyhow. Let’s see when the book happens.

So, while chatting with SNR about work and life, I said something interesting. This is the first time I’ve said that out loud. In fact, it’s the first time I even thought about it – consciously or subconsciously. I actually said two things.

A, I like the idea of project business. You know, where you have a lot of work for some time. And then you have long periods of no-work time. I then said the second and more important thing.

B, Which is that I would thus love to be in the films business. When I am working on a film, I will have nothing else to work on and will be so busy that it’s not funny. And when I am not on a film, I will have such a large amount of idle time that I can while it away by reading, learning, reflecting, and all that.

And then I said something that was even a revelation to me. I said that over the next two years, I want to make enough and save money to be able to pay off the debt. And then save some more to last me two years. And in those two years, I will jump head-first into filmmaking. I will use the savings to pick up whatever work I can get and learn like an apprentice and then see where things lead me. So that!

I did not know that I wanted to make films this bad. That I am willing to let go of all that I have to be able to be part of the films business. May be it’s not the films per se but the lust to control how I spend my time!

So that. I dont know if I’d be able to do this in the next two years. Only time will tell. Let’s see where it goes.

So yeah. That. There are more things I can write about but that was the major epiphany that happened over the weekend. Guess it could happen because I didn’t do anything important or substantial over the last two to three days.

Other insignificant things that are worth noting are…

  1. Eating like a pig. Out of famine. Not cool. Today, I will try to fast. And if not that, OMAD for sure. And even with OMAD, will pick food that has less carbs.
  2. Slacking with work. To a point that I will probably get fired. So need to change that.
  3. Not using my time better. While there is a calendar that I use per se, I need to get attached to it so much that I don’t do anything that is not on my calendar.

Guess that’s about it. Can’t think of the 4th 😀

Need to get on with the day. And some Surya Namaskars to start with the day. Let’s see if I can do 12 😀 Update. I did 12. With this as a companion video!

And, as I start my day, here’s streaks.

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 123
  • #noCoffee – 12
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0. Even though I did today, will add to streak from tomorrow.
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 213

090721 – Morning Pages

Quick, short post on my chase of minimalism.

8:32. Starbucks. Not my usual one. I am at the one in Powai. I have to go to the end o the world for a meeting and since there is no Starbucks there, I am parked here till about an hour to go for the meeting. I hope it works out well and the ordeal of these clothes etc is worth it!

So something interesting happened yesterday. Prak was over and while talking to her, the distracted one I am, I started to clean things that I have at my house. I’ve been meaning to do this for a while. You know, move to minimalism. Just that I hadn’t had the opportunity to even get started. I did make small starts by giving away a few things but it is those little trinkets that you hold close that you can’t seem to give away. So while talking to her, I sort of emptied various shelves out, took out things, thought about them, and then discarded a lot of those. It was scary for a bit but then after a while, it felt ok.

Some were tough to remove. Some were easy. Some I’ve continued to cling to. I will probably throw those away in the next pass (whenever that happens).

Thing is, my ambition is to own just 20 things. Including Passport, computers, phones, toothbrushes, first-aid, even undies, etc. It sounds impossible but let’s see if I can reach that point. If not that, then I have to be at a point when I just have enough that can fit in a carry-on bag in the most commercial of airlines in their cattle class.

More here…

A couple of people asked me why am I doing this.

I think the answer is complex and there are multiple factors at play here.

For starters, I have wanted to live a simpler life where I think on a higher plane (whatever that means). Then, lately, I’ve been reading and consuming a lot of content from Dandapani. I think the final straw was when I thought deeply about life and death a few days ago. I was at a point where I realized that when I am gone, would I want to have my affairs in order? Or will I just go and leave things open.

Now, as someone who’s like the biggest loser I know and as someone that leaves so many things unfinished, when I go, I really want to have things in order. In the sense that there can’t be anything that expects someone to come back. The place has to be vacated. The lights need to be shut. All things discarded. At places where they can’t be attributed to me. In fact, in my will, one of the things I’ve mentioned is that all my digital footprint must be deleted. As much as possible, at least.

So that.

Also, I realized I think the best when I talk out loud to others. Not write, not think but when I talk out loud. But then I need people like Prak to talk to. You know the ones that would not judge and will not impose their thoughts and ideas on my situation. The trouble is, I dont know many people like her.

Anyhow. I have a very long Friday ahead. And even longer weekend. And the next week. The list of to-dos is almost reaching the moon. I need to either find a thing where I dont rent my time or I need to marry a rich heiress of an infinite fortune. Know anyone?

Here’s streaks.

  • OMAD – 4
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 120
  • #noCoffee – 9
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 210

100621 – Morning Pages

Quick post on a lazy day about things at the top of my head. Lot of transactional stuff. You may skip reading this.

8:58. Woke up a few minutes ago. Slept at I think 1 or so but I did have an Americano at around 8 last night. Guess that’s why I had a fitful night. So on with today’s post. Like yesterday, I will try to not context switch. The music is set. I made a list of what I want to write about. I don’t have a lot of time – I know I am late today and I need to start the day and all that but I don’t have any pressing engagements today so I can take it easy. I may even go to a Starbucks. I did not enjoy, to be honest, that I worked from the home house last night.

Here we go. Will use bullets…

A. So, I restarted on an old project yesterday where I am helping a senior from the IT industry with his biography. It is very very interesting and exciting and I really enjoy the grind when I work on it. In fact, in life, if I can get more projects like that, I would be really happy. Of course, this means that the next few days weeks would be crazy but that’s ok. It’s the kind of craziness that I like 🙂

B. Saw this video yesterday where someone has summarised James Clear’s Atomic Habits. One of the things that stayed with me is Warren Buffett’s advice on the 5/25 rule. In one line, it says that you must make a list of 25 of your long-term goals and focus on the top 5 and put the other 20 in the do NOT do / focus list. I think I must make such a list soon! I also have a fairly limited number of years left and I am craving for some success and all that. Must think about this over the next few days. So that.

C. I plan to get back to life and the world from today on. I am of course out there and working and all that but I have kept a low profile. As low as someone like me possibly can. I mean I am off Twitter, Insta, and all that. I know that I need to be out there and working and all that and it’s important for both personal and professional growth. Most of my opportunities have come to me just because I was on these platforms constantly. And I know that the doors I open today get me opportunities after literally decades!

D. I am also recording a podcast after a few weeks today. Let’s see how it goes. I can’t say I am fully prepared but I enjoy talking to people and podcasts are an important step towards that.

E. LHV is finding it tough. More on this some other day.

F. Thanks to the rain and all that yesterday, the second meal of the day did not arrive at all. I could’ve not had food after that but all the coffee I had made me jittery and I had to order something to get over. Ordered myself a Peanut Butter Mousse. Dying with guilt. There’s no way I’ll lose weight or climb Mt. Everest. I clearly can’t work out. The arm is still shaky after the vaccine last Saturday, so no Yoga. I can’t control what I eat. Grrrr…

Ok, I plan to try and fast today. At least not order anything for as long as I can control. Let’s see how it goes.

G. I am lagging on Write Your First Novel. I plan to take it up today. I am late on Mare’s review. I started the post but I couldn’t find the inspiration, even though I really want to do it. I think I must clearly slot these into weekends or after work hours. As life gets busier, I need to find a way to get more strict with time. I mean I am as strict as they come but I need to go another step now. I must not not do a single thing that is not on my calendar and if I miss something, I miss it. I will not try to fit it in during the day.

So that’s about it for day. Kaafi transactional details but that’s what is on the top of my head.

Wait. While writing this, an epiphany happened. None of these talk about my work as a marketer. And that means a good thing and a bad thing. Good in the sense that work to me is a problem to be solved, a thing to be done, a transaction that I dont care about. Bad in the sense that if I dont write about it, people I work with dont know about it and thus I remain away from opportunities. I mean I know that what I do is not really a long-term thing that I want to do. I’d rather build something that scales and impacts the world but the path to that seems to be missing. I think I am not even sure if I will ever be on that path – I am way too old and the world is way too complex now. Ok, I am getting in the rant zone. Lemme stay away from that.

Here’s the streaks.

  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 179
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • OMAD – 0
  • #noCoffee – 0
  • #noCoke – 91
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0

190521 – Meditations

A quick post on things that are the top of my head this fine Wednesday morning.

8:29. Woke up 3 minutes ago. Had to be up at 7 to attend a docresi session. But could not 🙁 Damn damn damn. Must stop coffee. Back to the dangerous levels. Today on, it’s a strict no. Even if I need to work for long hours.

I have a long day ahead that I am already running behind 🙁

Ok. No rant. Not the first thing that I write. It’s 8:43 (took 15 minutes to wash my face, find music to play and all that). I will write till 9 and then get on with the day. Let’s see what all I get in.

In no order, things are the top of my head.

A. In the last 2 days, two different people (AAPune, HABlr) have asked me for tips and help on writing better. One of them is sort of close. Other is a mere business acquaintance. Plus a friend’s friend’s uncle wants to write his biography. I am working with him as well. So I am not just approached by friends. Yay! I am not sure what nudged them to seek help but I loved that I could recommend things to people and help them write more. I think the ability to write is a brilliant gift and if people think that I can help, why not! I think I will make a page where I would list almost all writing resources that I recommend and use! #note2self

B. I had a longish chat with AD yesterday where we spoke about things that I could do. While I want to do well with things, it somehow struck me that I want to be a deal maker. Or in ugly parlance, a power broker. I want to be someone that knows someone who can get things done for someone. I think I knew this forever and it’s just that it is not that I am being able to articulate this. I mean, I may have written this earlier, in some other post or some other place.

Thing is, I am not a doer per se. I don’t want to work on everything that I touch. I’d rather help connect dots and let the others figure the next steps. You want to buy cigarettes? I know someone. You want something exotic? I know where you could procure it. You want something done? I know just the right guy. So on and so forth.

I want to be that guy with a big Rolodex who knows which two people must talk.

Of course, there is no revenue model on this – I don’t want to charge a commission to connect things and people. I definitely don’t want to execute and then charge a fee. So I don’t know about the revenue model. At some point in time, will figure this out. Let’s see when I can do this.

C. The house hunt has come to a grinding halt over the last few days. I’ve been unable to search as I have kept busy with work and general randomness. I need to get out of this place before the end of June for sure. So need to up the effort on that.

I need to find a house that offers me space. And if possible a bird’s eye view into the distance. Right now, it has rained and I can see some green around where I live and it’s so so so soothing and pleasing to the eyes that I want to just continue to stare at it. So that.

Guess that’s about it. I mean there’s more but there are more pressing things to get to. And it’s 9:00.

Time to hit publish.

Oh, here’s streaks…

  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 157
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • OMAD – 0
  • #noCoffee – 0
  • #noCoke – 69
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0

130521 – Morning Pages

Longish post on losing people, the grief thereafter and coming to terms. And notes from a film.

7 AM
This will be a long one.
And will probably among the darkest pieces I have written in a while.
Read at peril.

So, yesterday, someone I spoke to for less than 5 mins a year ago passed away due to COVID-19. All my interactions with him were limited to one 5-minute long phone call. I remember that even to coordinate for this 5-minute call there was way too much back and forth. He was driving to his office in Gurgaon and the signal was patchy. And then I was on another call and I had a patchy signal. He remained patient and understanding and all that. Despite his seniority and his experience and his connections and all that.

It’s rare to have someone like him at his level with his stature be so humble. I was impressed. My partner, who eventually recorded a conversation with him, told me that he’s seen hundreds of entrepreneurs but none like him. His vision of India, the ethics with which he worked, and the impact he wanted to leave behind was unlike any other.

Can vouch for the impact. When I heard that he’s passed away, I was speechless. You know, sucker-punched. No, I did not know him. The loss was not personal. But it felt as close as a personal one would.

I did not know what to do.

I eventually did what I do best to cope with such situations.

I escaped. Shut the curtains, switched off my phone, ordered a lot of food. Ate and slept through the day. I thought I’ve had enough of this pain and suffering of people leaving the world. I thought I was beyond such pain. I thought I had a heart so tough that nothing could plunge through. I thought I was unbreakable. Numb is the word.

But no.
Nope.
I learned I am a tad more human. I couldn’t function. I was stifled for breath and thought. Even though I spoke to him for like 5 minutes. That too almost a year ago. I was shrouded by doubt and I questioned the very existence. Why do we do things we do? And to what end? When you can go onward as randomly as this! And for no fault of yours.

Damn this fucking feeling of helplessness! Not just at doing something to prevent this loss but also the inability to cope with the loss. The inability to say goodbyes. Oh, that’s the thing that I suck even more at. I don’t know how to say goodbyes. Temporary or permanent.

I think a simple mechanism could be to not get attached to things that make you cry when you have to leave. And not let others get attached to you that they are pained when they have to leave. This will probably make us inhuman but I guess that’s the only solution.

Have no memories, have no affiliations, have nothing that binds you to a place or a thing and you are ok. I mean there must be people that are overjoyed when you call them. There must be strangers that remember you or your actions. Like I remember this gentleman’s actions. I will probably forget him with time but the way he conducted himself is a lesson.

May be, I need to minimize such interactions so that at least I don’t feel the loss at a personal level when they move on. And if they care for me, they don’t feel the same.

While writing this, I was thinking who all would feel unbridled joy when I spoke to them. Can’t think of anyone but my parents. Most other relationships are mere transactions. If I were to make a list of people I am attached to, it would run in miles! I think I need to start cutting.

Thing is, I just don’t know what to do when something like this happens. I’ve always sucked at saying goodbyes.

Anyhow. Life goes on. Yes, we need to acknowledge the pain, take a pause and reflect on what we lost and move on. The earth does not stop spinning. The chakra of life continues. Even if you don’t like it. So, being the eternal optimist, I need to take a silver lining from this. I need to up my sleeves and do more. And do fast. Life’s so so so unpredictable. Damn!

#epiphany! I realized why I am so affected by this. The guy did EVERYTHING I wanted to do in life. And thus I can relate to his life and achievements so much! When my time comes, I hope I have created a body of work that inspires others to live better.

So moving on.

Yesterday, I Saw Nomadland. The critically acclaimed film that won I don’t know how many awards. I want to write a review per se. Lemme use this post to make notes. Repeat. This is not a review. This is a collection of notes that I will develop into a review eventually.

It’s poignant and uncanny and insane that I saw this film when I am surrounded by so many people that are forced to say untimely goodbyes. To me, it’s also a film about coping with grief, coming to terms with our impermanence, thinking about mortality, and on top of it all, letting go.

So the film is about this old woman, Fern who is left alone after her husband dies and the town that they lived in is shut. She leaves on this road trip (not clear right now, will read more before I write the review) and decide to live in a van, something that is so deeply immersed in the American culture that you cant think of either without the other.

The film follows her journey as she moves around the country, taking odd jobs to pay her bills, trying to overcome obstacles that a nomadic life throws at her, and her search for herself, through the lens of others, the relationships she develops, and the community of other van-dwellers.

To me, the biggest takeaway from the film is not that there are people that have chosen a nomadic lifestyle by living in their vans. But is about how you seek and you need and you must have a community of others that believe in the same ideology as you and how the bond that you form with others in the community helps you tide over your personal battles. In fact, all my life, I’ve wanted to build a community of such people, others trying to find answers. Just that in Nomadland, the community is of people that seek freedom and I want to create a community of people that want to do more and push us, humans, ahead. I think this bit about community and the need to belonging is probably the most fundamental of all our needs. Something that we are willing to kill for. You know the world today is seeing that the need to belong to a certain ideology is making people blind!

I loved how the film filled the vast, empty, remote American landscapes with dense emotions and turmoil that each character seems to be going through. As an aspiring filmmaker, this is something that I need to note and work on when I get to make my film.

I loved how each character had a backstory that was told by them. The fill reversed the old age tip about showing and not telling. I mean there’s a lot of telling, lot of symbolism but a large part of the film is tell.

I loved how the film spoke to me at a personal level – I don’t want to be in a hospital when my time comes.

I loved the juxtaposition of struggle fight against large businesses like Amazon and then, on the other side, reliance on such businesses to pay your bills. The neverending fence that divides capitalists and free-right advocates.

Let’s see what else comes to me once I start writing.

Thing is, great films not just tell a story but change something in you. You shift as an individual after you watch a great piece of cinema. You empathize with the character so much that you want to make changes in how you live! I am thinking I will get a car and start living a life where I just have things that I can carry in a briefcase. Even the books I will donate. Or pack and send to long-term storage (aka my parent’s home in Delhi). Lol!

Moving on.

Need to get on with the day. Before that need to write something. To be able to think better (I think better when I write). So I’ve been feeling shitty and listless for last few days. I think I have pinpointed. It’s the relationships I have and the company I keep. I need to end a few. You know how you need to get better by amputating the part that puts the body at risk?

That!

Here’s the streaks…

  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 151
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • OMAD – 0
  • #noCoffee – 0
  • #noCoke – 63
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • Original Work (limited time only) – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0

200421 – Meditations

Quick post on how things are with me in probably the toughest times we’ve seen as a race. And an attempt at pushing the story forward.

6:04. I just woke up. A minute ago. Without an alarm. The room was too hot. The AC conked off. And so did the phone. Or maybe it’s the charging cable. I will get to know by the time I end this post. I am trying to charge it with another wireless charger I have. Ok, the cable is the problem.

It’s funny how mundane like is, on a day-to-day basis. You plan for grand things, the ones that can change the world and you struggle with basics like devices, tools, etc give you a hard time. Life has its ways.

It was a terribly busy day yesterday. Way too many meetings and calls. To a point that I ate while I was on a call. I had to pee and I had to put 11 people on hold to do that. Which is ok. I don’t mind this at all. I like the idea of spending my time on things other than mindless consumption of all the content floating around on the internet.

But the good part is that I managed about 9000 steps towards the end of the day. I went a million times around the cramped space around my building. Thanks to the calls that allowed me to not get bored. I think I will schedule all the calls that I can control at that time so that I can walk and not get bored.

So, what happened yesterday? And what do I want to log-in here?

  1. This
  2. More and more people are moving to Goa. This means they are finding better internet and phone connectivity. And thus the Goa post needs to be updated. Done.
  3. A very very good friend was found positive. This is one of those people I care for. Damn. Hope he recovers fast.
  4. I’ve decided to stay away from any negative news of any kind. Even if it’s supposed to be funny. Including jokes, WhatsApp, tweets, and others that have been going around. I am not even hanging out on Instagram anymore. There’s way too much negativity masked as comments and critiques. If I endorse something, they would add to your life and not take things away. I had to log in about the friend (point 3) but that’s that. I don’t plan to delve any further into it. Need to practice equanimity. You know, this too shall pass.
  5. Believe it or not. I did 8 rounds of Surya Namaskar yesterday. I followed this video. I was dead by the 4th. Wanted to quit by the 6th. But persisted. I plan to do 8 more today. At least. I will see if I can push myself to do 10. The lofty goal is to be able to do 100. I don’t know how I would get the time out but let’s see.
  6. Last two days, I’ve been using Headspace on a computer (and not on a phone). This again is better. Cos I switch off phone when I do and thus there are no distractions.

Plan for the day?
Lol. Calls. What else.

Here’s the streaks…

  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 128
  • #aPicADay – 109 the quality of photos is going down everything. There’s nothing to click in the tiny place I have access to 🙁
  • 10K steps a day –0.
  • OMAD – 0
  • #noCoffee – 41
  • #noCoke – 41
  • 10 mins of meditation – 6
  • #book2 – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • Original Work (limited time only) – 5

On to the original work. Day 6.
Yesterday I was at a point where Roshan has been diagnosed with a terminal illness and he will be dead in 14 days. He tells his mother about it. I did not write it entirely. But I did manage a part of the conversation. I had identified a few questions and pointers. I needed to find out other characters. I need a larger battle as the backdrop. And I need to generally find out what would Roshan do once he knows that he was going to die in 14 days.

Lemme introduce Roshan’s love interest.

[START]

Diksha’s family was as old as Roshan’s was. And had the same lineage. Her’s was the lineage of teachers and had the distinction of teaching even Shivaji for a brief period. She had continued to the tradition and now ran the only private school in Indapur. Like Roshan’s, she also had numerous cousins in the town and most of them were teachers at various schools, including some at her school.

Like any two old families in a tiny town, the two families knew of each other. Many people had married within each other. The relationships were more or less cordial. However, there was no way Diksha and Roshan would cross paths. They had contrasting worlds and world views. Diksha was a lot more serious and had no serious ambitions. As long as her students were happy, she was ok. Roshan on the other hand planned to move beyond to at least Mumbai in search of his dreams. The challenge was, he did not have a dream. Yet. He remained in search of opportunities.

The only time they spot meet each other during the day would be when Roshan would walk back from the temple with his mother. It was around the same time Diksha would finish her work and on the way back stop at the temple for a bit. She did she Roshan as an obedient, respectful person that took extra care of his mother. And that was that. Beyond that, she had no interest in his physique or the flurry of jokes that he seems to have handy all the time.

Neither was Roshan interested in Diksha. She was, what they call, a simpleton. A woman next door with nothing special to write home about. Probably boring as well. Plus Roshan had seen her grow alongside. The large families would meet often on various occasions and since they were both from the only two illustrious ones, they always had special status reserved for them. Most times, these interactions would happen at their respective homes. They weren’t anything like the glorious ones of the past, with each successive generation, the patch of land that they could lay claim to would get smaller and smaller. Most times these splits would be amicable. At such places, pragmatism took over the need to argue.

Except when Roshan’s family got dealt an unfair hand. Roshan’s father was the younger son and thus when the split had to be done, he was left out with parcels of land that none of his elder brothers wanted. He was content with what he was handed over. Pritha had a large part in Kishore’s decision to take what was given to him. They were happy that they got a house to live in, a gala next to the temple where his Kishore could start a business, and a barren patch further beyond the town. This is where Roshan would go on to establish his akhada.

This was clearly unfair as this was not even 5% of the total fortune that Roshan’s family should’ve inherited. If not for Diksha’s grandfather, Kishore wouldn’t have got even this much. His elder brother, Dinesh believed that as the younger brother, Kishore had no claim over any inheritance and must live on the alms. If not for the sense pounded in to his head, he would have probably got his henchmen to do the same. In fact, even now Roshan and Darpan, the two cousins would often spar.

Now Darpan was unlike his father. He believed that whatever his father gave away to Roshan’s family, he still had the rightful claim over that. But then he was a reasonable man. To a point that when the elders started talking about getting him and Diksha married, the pragmatic Diskha had no opposition to the match.

[END]

[NOTES]

Nah. Did not flow. I couldn’t think of a lot. Need to do better. Experienced deja vu while writing this! Woah! After a long time!

Also, need to think on the following…

  1. How to make Roshan likable?
  2. Can I reveal Roshan’s actions at the very end of the film? You know, he did all these because he was terminal? Similar to Sweet November.
  3. This Diksha – Roshan escapade is not happening. Seems forced. May be it’s Diksha’s pain that Roshan is trying to solve? May be Diksha knows that Roshan is terminal and is empathetic? May be she’s a doctor herself? May be she doesn’t know that he was going to die?

I just realised that I think FAR better when I am writing. Or when I am talking to others. #epiphany

Over and out!
See you guys tomorrow.

280321 – Meditations

A straight from heart post about how I spent yesterday. And the epiphany about life I had after I saw a film!

7:42. Worli. I am at a friend’s place. Yesterday I thugged it out. I ate more yesterday than what I ate in the whole of the week gone by. I hardly did any work. Apart from the meditations, I did not do anything. I ate and ate and ate. Had almost a litre of ice-cream. Drove for a bit. Saw three films (in parts) yesterday – The Equalizer, The Fellowship of the Rings and Andaz Apna Apna. Lol. What choice! Met MG. Did everything I would do if I wanted to be a vegetable. And that’s not cool at all!

There’s a lot that needs to get done on the work front. There’s a lot that needs to get done on life front. There’s a lot that needs get on health front. On every front. I have some 90 tabs open at things that are mandatory reads. I have a few writing projects that need to be done. These writing projects are the ones that I need to get the izzat, money, independence and what not. And here I am thugging it. Damn, Mr. Garg! Need to course correct. This thugging will not get you close to any of your goals.

Anyhow. Enough of being harsh on self for taking it easy for a day.

So mumbai is breaking all the records that you can imagine and there are some 6000 fresh cases everyday. They are testing about 48K people everyday. So one in 8 is testing positive. And even though this is WAAAAAY off the mark, I am assuming that each day I meet 8 or more people, I am at risk. By that metric, I have been at risk for quite some time. I need to get into containment. I am not doing anyone any service by being this person that’s out and about! So, once I am back to Andheri today or tomorrow, I am locking myself into the house. Starbucks and work be damned. I need to find a way to adapt to learn in the pigeon hole of the house I have.

I don’t talk about it much I really think that one of the core things important to the sanity of people is access to personal space. In India, we don’t talk about it much – all of us grow with limited means, even more limited space and almost non-existent idea of personal space. We fill our houses with things that we need less than once a year and unknowingly become hoarders. One of my recent Instagram posts made me realise that I am an hoarder as well and that needs to change.

More about this someday.

So lemme talk about The Equalizer, the film. It stars Denzel Washington and in all its simplicity, its the story of a retired operative that is now working a menial job at a box store by the day and thanks to his insomnia, reads at a diner by the night. Something happens that brings back the killer in him and he goes on a rampage. While I can talk about the story, the acting, the plot, the arcs and I don’t know what all, I would refrain from that. I would rather talk about the impression that it left on me and what it made me pine for. After all that’s what films are supposed to do. Or all stories for that matter.

For starters, I want to have a secret superpower that allows me to bash a hundred people at the drop of the hat if they wrong me or others that I care for. Then I like the idea of me knowing a lot about a lot of things. I also thought it was a cool thing to be able to tap in to the reserves and outplay the nemesis.

The thing that I related to the most was Denzel’s role as a mentor that is always in the shadows. Each person that he interacts with in the film, he tries to get them to see a better version of themselves. The entire story is hinged on his attempts at helping people he has no emotional attachment with. The young sex worker, the middle-aged lady at the till, the aspiring security guard and his mother. Even when he is avenging the wrongs, he gives an option to the perps (did I just used the work perp? Too much Brooklyn 99) to admit the mistake, promise to not make the mistake again and walk away.

I AM EXACTLY THAT! I want to live my life like that! Help people. Make money

I want to be a mentor to a million people and let them bask in the glory. Right now, I am far from it. Right now, I am too human and I seek validation (only to get access to more opportunities). Right now, I am nowhere and leave no impression on anyone and I definitely dont have the resources to do anything specific. I need to think more about how I live my life and how I try to make that impact.

Only if I don’t thug it out 😀

Ok, on other operational things, I am told that the new theme on this website sucks. Will probably play around with it a bit over the next few days. And I will try and get some sense in my head.

Ok enough. Time to publish.

Here’s the streak.

  • Morning Pages – 107. If there was one day when I was going to miss the morning pages meditations was today. But here I am with the post. Yay!
  • #aPicADay – 87
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • OMAD – 0
  • #noCoffee – 18
  • #noCoke – 18
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • #book2 – 0

180321 – Morning Pages

The morning pages has evolved into a friend of sorts where I go and rant and cry and wail about things that I cant talk to anyone else about. Here’s one such post.

6:38 AM

For all the ‘living in public’ that I want to do, there’s something that I want to talk to someone about and I don’t know who to. And it involves someone else and without putting names or context, it would be of no use. So, at some point of time in life, I want to be able to write about it in public. But as of today, it will go on my echoChamber. It is big enough that it’s making me rethink my entire way of working / living / thinking / doing. Anyhow. Later.

Before I go ahead, the track of the day is this.

Next. The folks at Producerland announced their lineup of people that they have selected. I saw their profiles and I am slightly disappointed with it. Of course, one large reason is that I did not get through, but the other big one is that a lot of those people are from established production companies in India. I don’t think those people need networking. They are anyway in the market with access to capital, ideas, and talent. It is people like me that need it. Oh, Debasmita, the writer and producer at Bin Bulaaye made it. So that is nice. I don’t work with her anymore but she is exactly the kind that will benefit from this. Super ideas, talented at multiple things, great human being, interested in telling stories that have legs beyond song and dance.

Oh, while writing this, an epiphany happened. I use this blog as a friend. In the sense, I talk about things that I don’t know who else to talk about. Most of my friends do not understand the world I operate in. My family has no clue what I do. My Board of Directors often does not get context. The significant other is almost non-existent. And in absence of all these, I think it is this blog that gives me some sort of grounding. I can blurt out what’s on my head. I get the load out of the way and I can do more things. In fact, each morning, I look up to waking up and writing on morning pages. I often make notes while I sleep, about things that I would write the next day. And then I write! And then I feel so light that I could fly away ;P Ok. Enough.

So, food. Remember how I spoke about my izzat being at stake yesterday? I said…

I have to have to HAVE TO avoid hospitals at all costs. I need to get going. So, here’s the thing. I will gun for a 2-days fast. And then I will go on for as long as I can. Really. This time I will do it. Izzat ki baat hai. I will eventually add some sort of workout to my regimen. But I need to get the hernia operated on before that. Maybe I will start with dance or yoga?

From Morning Pages on 17th Mar.

I ate breakfast, a lunch, an evening snack, an ice-cream around dinner, and then a dinner! There is no way I am going to lose weight :(. The saving grace is that I did walk some 14K steps. And that too purposefully. Phew!

The excuse I gave myself is that I had a COVID scare and I need to eat and get nutrition but now the test has come out and it tells me that I am negative. So that’s ok. And yeah, the test is as uncomfortable as you imagine it to be. I hate hospitals!

Wait. I will try again today. I will try and not eat. Let’s see how it goes. I just need to get started.

I think this is about it. No. Wait. Another thing. Yesterday I learned the importance of money. Or the lack of it.

While I was fuming and I did not have anyone to talk about it, I took to Twitter and posted a rant about how I am gareeb and all that. The trigger was that that there are way too many things I want to do and none of them will probably make money and thus I will have to keep pouring money into those things and that means I will need to have infinite money. Right now, I am very far from it. And there’s no way I can seem to find a solution to my money woes. I mean I have some work on my plate these days and if this continues, I will be ok. But the large, infinite source of capital that I may need is still missing 🙁

While I was wailing in misery, Ajeet Sir had an interesting perspective on my quandary. Here…

From AK’s tweet here.

Now, this is super duper interesting. Multiple reasons. A, he validated that I have the ability! Yay! External validation #ftw! B, he slapped me on the face that I dont put in the effort. I dont know how to put efforts. I need to get out of the current financial mess that I have got myself into and along the way find an answer to this. I think I need to relook at how I operate in life. I think I am ok with taking risks. The thing that I suck at is ability to convert those risks into actionable, tangible steps that take me closer to where I want to be. I need some sort of a coach or something. Damn…

Anyhow, I am done with the pages. Feel a little relieved that what I was earlier. Let’s see how today is. So that. And to end the post, here’s the streaks…

  • Morning Pages – 96
  • #aPicADay – 77
  • 10K steps a day – 1
  • OMAD – 0
  • #noCoffee – 8
  • #noCoke – 8
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • #book2 – 0

160321 – Morning Pages

Quick update on the COVID scare, chasing rockstars across the world, inability to stay hungry for 48 hours. And more.

7:00. Hello hello. Morning!

So I got the COVID-19 scare yesterday.

Someone I met on Wednesday of last week got COVID. And I was in a closed room with him for about an hour. And then I sat in that room and ate. And that meant I am at high risk. Since then I’ve met quite a few people (and I have been to various Starbucks outlets). If I had to trace all the people I met and all the places I was to, the list would run into miles!

As I was making that list, thankfully I was told that they traced their source of infection and it’s from someone they met after they met me. So I am more or less safe. Phew!

Even though I don’t have any symptoms, I am more or less safe. I would still get myself tested to be sure. I owe it to all those people that I met that I am not a carrier and if I am, I need to alert those people.

Also, apart from this gentleman, there are few more people that I know that are really close that have been infected. So, the pandemic is clearly not over. Those numbers of some 1500-2000 daily cases don’t paint the real extent of the pandemic. And since everyone is almost out and about and is being careless about things, I am imposing some news rules on myself. Here they are.

  • 1/ Avoid closed, confined spaces for a few days. Goodbye, Starbucks :(.
  • 2/ Never take off the mask even if it’s a meeting that requires me to show my face.
  • 3/ Get a lot more particular about using a sanitizer.
  • 4/ Start working on my immunity (you know, Vitamin C, workout, etc). Lol. Workout.

I am also closeting myself at home for the next 2-3 days, just to be sure. That means, my productivity would take a hit. And that means I need to thank the decision to buy a writing table all those years ago (I think I bought my table in 2014 or something when I lived with Satya at Nahar). Back then I was clearly the guy who liked the idea of buying things. I don’t know when I became that pseudo-minimalist that did not want anything in the house and is ok with just a mattress plonked onto the floor and call it home.

Also, I have realized that the kind of life I live, I meet so many people all the time. If I were to ever get it, I would be at very very high risk. You know, super-spreader.

Anyhow. Moving on.

Here’s the track of the day…

Jagjit Singh was a magician!

While listening to Jagjit Singh today, I realized something. I want to be a part of the crew for a rockstar (or a religious leader, a musician, a speaker, or someone that people across the world are willing to pay money for) that travels the world. I mean, do a search on Youtube for ‘Jagjit Singh in Concert’ and you’d see that he’s been to EACH corner of the world with his crew. If you see some of the videos, you’d spot similar faces as backing musicians. I am sure even the crew would be more or less same. What if I am part of such a crew? I could actually be traveling the world and will get to entertain people and make money and all that. Everything I want in life will happen!

I remember when I did events, we used a talent management agency and people from that agency would travel along with the artists. While they added almost zero value, they did get to travel. I need to figure if I could become someone like that. #note2self.

But wait.

I don’t want a new career option per se. I need to get some sort of a war chest. Right now the coffers are empty. This is one of those rare times when I want to say no and want to be ok with where I am. Rather than chasing the rockstars, I will merely figure what I can augment that allows me to travel and meet more people with what I am doing. Let’s see. Another #note2self.

In other news, I had decided yesterday that I’d try to fast for 48 hours. I was ok till about 8 PM (about 20 hours) but then thanks to all the thoughts in my head about the COVID thingy, I got stressed enough to order food on a whim. And I ate. And then I ate some chips. And then I ate another full meal. And I ate a dessert. In all, I would’ve had some 2000 calories. Grrr. There is no way am getting fit. Any of you has any ideas?

Coming to streaks…

  • Morning Pages – 94
  • #aPicADay – 75 (at least)
  • 10K steps a day – 0 (couldn’t manage 10K)
  • OMAD – 1 (ate between the window of 8 and 10 PM)
  • #noCoffee – 6
  • #noCoke – 6
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • #book2 – 0

And with that, it’s a warp for the morning pages. Time to get some work done. From home where I live. Damn!

PS: I must talk about home. And how where I live is not really home. Let’s see when I get to it.

190221 – Morning Pages

Quick post today. Did not have time to write, format, edit, spell-check etc.

Read at peril.

4:59 AM

I slept at 2ish. I was up at 4ish. I have way too much work on my plate and thus this thievery of sleep. I know this is not good but I have to juggle this. On top of this, people I care for are being dicks and that’s affecting my output. But I shall remain calm and carry on.

I will write this alongside work. I will steal moments and every time I take a break I will write this. I have a question to start things with. What to do about morning pages on days like today? I mean I don’t have a minute to die and yet I want the non-stop streak? Do I just log in and post a para and get over with it? Or do I actually prioritize this over others? Do I not count the days I don’t write 1000 500 words?

5:43. Met ASTwitter yesterday. He gave me a reality check. I am lucky to have him around in my life. He asked me tough questions about what I am doing in life (when I told him am thinking to shuttle between Mumbai and Goa). He made me realize that I am being an irrational fool. Something RGMDI has told me often! Thing is, if I cant convince him, I don’t think I can convince anyone else. He makes me see the mirror and unlike all the other people I know, he’s super blunt!

6:37. I like this. Work deeply without interruptions. Break. Write something random. Probably forget what was clouding your head at 4:59. Think of things to write. Recommend music. Like, right now, am listening to this one…

7:44. Took a break. Showered. Waiting for clock to hit 7:54 so that I can leave for Starbucks. I am so fucked with work. I am going to get so many stinkers that it’s not funny. Anyhow.

While I was showering, an epiphany happened. Probably cos of this stranger I met yesterday at Starbucks. So this girl walked up to the community table that I generally sit on. She goes, can I sit here. I was like, sure. And then she said, without me asking, I went to give up and I just could not. Took me a while to understand what she was talking about. Once it dawned on me, of course, I had to intervene. We got talking and she was there for an hour or so. We talked and I hope she went home fine and she’s ok now. The point is while talking to her, I revealed all the darkest secrets about me – you know, problems with work, money, relationships, Mumbai, Goa, life, et al. And I realized that it is super duper easy to talk to a stranger. I’ve never felt this comfortable talking to anyone about my issues. Not even to SG2, VG, VK, or AG (le seale, tera naam aa gaya). May be that’s why I depend on a blog? Maybe that is what inspires me to live in public?

Another thing I realized is that when going gets tough, pushy-ness often tilts you over the edge. Like right now, I am being pulled in like 5 directions by 5 people. And I am this close to giving up. But of course, I cant. Again, that’s not the point. The point is that I just need to become less pushy with people around me. I’ve seen how toxic things and work and cultures can get. I need to become nicer.

The last thing I am realising now is that I am getting old. You know, how it creeps up on you? I was very sure of pulling an all-nighter today. But guess what? I fell asleep and couldn’t finish my things. Growing old is no fun 🙁

So that.

I think that’s about it. Need to move my butt. Need to decide what to do of the morning pages on the day when I don’t have Internet. Or when I have so much work that I cant write. Like today.

It’s 7:54. Gotta go.