Memento Mori Archives

251021 – Morning Pages

Note on things that I am thinking about and things that I want to do today and this week and in this life.

8:47. I slept well last night. In fact, I slept longer than I normally would. The sleep was not really the best, I woke up multiple times. Checked my phone each time I woke. Scrolled mindlessly through the timelines on Twitter, Instagram, and others. Hoping that I would have attention from someone, something. But none was forthcoming. And then I drifted again to sleep. Up finally!

So, in terms of things, on the top of my head, lemme try with the bullet points today.

A. Missed the SWA Scriptlab deadline. I really wanted to participate in that. I even thought about hustling today to write the script but I realized I will not be able to prioritize it. So that.

In fact, I have been thinking a lot about this. If writing is what I want to make my career with and writing for the screen is going to be important, why is it that I am unable to put this on priority? And I had more than 3 weeks, after I came back from the trek to do this!

B. Yesterday, for a change I had this need to be with someone. Like you know, romantically. Like a significant other. Better half etc. Thing is, most days I am ok without one. I am fairly atamnirbhar with these things. Guess I have trained my mind ok on that. But somedays, I really feel the need. And those days, I don’t know what to do. It’s an interesting problem to have. And no, I dont have an answer to this one. Do you have any?

C. AS is producing an event tomorrow. She’s been at it for more than 2 months. More about it here. The world needs to watch out for her.

D. India lost to Pakistan in a cricket match. While I remain unaffected, the world around me seems to have come to a literal stop. Dunno why. I mean I know why but I am unable to understand the irrationality of people that believe that an outcome of a match needs to affect their lives. I know that the superhuman efforts by athletes inspire us, their conduct makes them role models, their actions make us look up to them. But I dont get how we could be mere followers and couch potatoes and attach our lives to their actions! Why do we need to flare up emotions?

Anyhow. Gotta start the day. Here’s the journal.

Emoticon: :|. I have slept well. I have no one crying for attention. And I am generally hopeabout about things and all. So, I think I am ok. Not happy. Not sad. Ok.
Mindful Index (on a scale of 10): 1.
Things that I am grateful for
1. Each time I can sit by myself in the morning and write these morning pages without anything else on my mind, I feel grateful to the world and the universe and everything else.
2. I am one of those people that loves sipping onto water. I am grateful that I am designed like that. Water is life!
3. Spoke to M yesterday briefly. Each time I see her, my heart fills with love. Of course she doesnt give a F about my existence. But just to see her puttering around is such a great feeling!
Things that would make my today great
1. If I can fast today, it would be awesome. It would be tough but I will try as hard as possible. Thing is, I really really want to live long and fitness is an important part of that. I suck at it and I need to fix it. While I may not be able to work out, I can fast. And thus I need to get going with it. #note2self
2. I need to cut my nails. It would be awesome if I could. Here’s a thing. I am very particular about the nail cutter and the filer I use! Fuck minimalism. I want my nailcutter 😀
A daily affirmation.
I am the master of my will. I do things that I want to do. And I dont owe anything to anyone. My actions dont need to be guided by whims of others.
Amazing things that happened yesterday?
1. Met a few people from Team SG. Each time I meet them as a group, I am awed by the collective talent, ambition and options that these guys have. I am so blessed. I of course need to amplify it. I need to continue to work hard to become a role model for these guys. And of course, take care of these guys till they are ready to fly away to their respective destinies!
2. Saw this post on Instagram. The Memento Mori lesson got renewed. If I were to get something tatttoed ever, it would be “this too shall pass” and “Memento Mori”
What could have made yesterday better?
1. If I could finish more things that I had planned, it would have been better. Apart from work, I really wanted to send out the letter to bade log and work on the SWA competition. But I could not.
2. If I ate less, it would have been better. Worse, I ate shit. Liteally. Oil. Carbs. Over-cooked. Of course, most of it was tasty and I would have loved to continued to eat and eat. But it’s literally killing myself slowly.
Quote for the day
You never know how strong you are, until being strong is your only choice – Bob Marley. I am not really a Bob Marley fan. I dont even know his music. And I dont really understand these empty noises that quote like these make. But this one rang true. Probably because I am in that spot right now where I am forced to be a lot more strong than I would like to be. I mean who would not like to chill and not worry about the fuckeries of the world?

This is about it for the day. And here’s the streaks…

OMAD – 0
#book2 – 0
NOFAP – 0
#noCoke – 0. Had a few. Regular ones. Not Diet. Damn!
#noCoffee – 0. Had a LOT!
#aPicADay – 17. Yesterday’s here
Daily Journal – 18
Money spent – 2104
Killer Boogie – 0
10K steps a day – 0
Surya Namaskar – 0
Daily Mail to #teamSG – 18
10 mins of meditation – 0
Minimaslism Counter – -3 +1.
Morning Pages / Meditations – 18

030921 – Morning Pages

This might very well be the last post on Morning Pages till the mid of October. And no, no grand revelations.

7:30. Shelter. Last day here. Phew.

Did not sleep a wink on my last night in Mumbai. No, I was not anxious. I think it’s all the tea I am having at Starbucks. Plus I have been thinking about life, work, success, achievement, contribution, health. And how despite all the wisdom I may have, why and how I remain a failure. And about friendship, relationships, romantic partners. And why I am unable to maintain these. And the thoughts of moving away and looking forward to the road. And how I like to drift and refuse to call one place, one person, one thing home.

So, I leave late in the night. And then I dont know when I would be back to Bom.

This is for the first time in years that I would not have an address in Mumbai. I can use VGs or SJ2s place as an address if I have to, but they are not mine really. Their homes, houses are theirs. And that means I am borrowing from them. And enough of borrowing. I am going to have to borrow to fund the short film I was recently a part of. I will have to borrow again to fund my team’s salary. No, I dont want to cut the losses. To me, people are important, even if I am unimportant to them. I’ve learned the hard way that you can’t really trust others. For all the talk that I may indulge in about being reliable and trustworthy and being there and all that, it’s impossible to have that going with others. Except maybe with your parents. Every other relationship is a transaction. #famousLastWords 😀

Ok. I am ranting. Deep breath.

Moving on and coming back to borrowing things, I think what I need to learn and internalize is that most of our lives are essentially the time that we’ve borrowed from destiny. The debt collector can come calling anytime, unannounced and you have to give in. And while we wait for the Yamdoot to come in, it’s what we do in this borrowed time that defines who we are. And no, nothing I’ve done seems to have defined me. As Naval says, once you die, you would be forgotten by the third generation. Which is a very very useful concept to internalize. I know about it subconsciously. I try to live each day with the assumption that we are all ephemeral. And I try to keep my emotions at bay. But then, I am human. I falter. And I make lapses in judgment. So that.

Oh, I have a very very sore throat. I dont know why or how. I did not really drink anything cold. I was more or less indoors. I dont know what’s caused it but I need to be careful. Just 15 days to go and I can’t afford to fall sick. I mean, for starters, I haven’t been training. Then, I dont know how to wear shoes. And then there’s a load on my shoulders as I would walk in the mountains. Not to forget my nasal polyp. And the damn hernia. And the persistent back pain. Lol. I sound like a rickety old man that does one thing and one thing only – complain about old age!

In fact, funnily last night only I sort of made a bet with AS about getting abs. She mentioned that she’s gunning for 2-3 by December. Not that she’s not fabulous already but she still wants to go beyond and aim for a better state. So, I am so inspired by her resolution that at a whim I promised her that I would also try and get them abs. At least 2. Right now, I am 38. And to be able to get to abs, I need to be 32 or something, I think. Probably as tough as climbing Everest but I will try. September has been good. While I am not walking per se, I have been able to manage OMAD for three days now. Let’s see if I can manage other things. So that.

I guess this is about it for the day. Funny how history repeats itself. The last time I left Mumbai, I was on a train. Just like this time. Though, last time, I was going away from sgMS. I dont remember if she had come to drop me but I do know, with the advantage of hindsight that I should’ve stayed back with her.

But then, this time, there’s no one to say goodbye to. Or the regret of walking away from someone. There have been relationships that I value but I think those are past their expiry date, their borrowed time. Apart from maybe, M. But then my love for her is probably as lopsided as they get. She wouldn’t even realize that I am no longer around. If the world forgets you after 3 generations, I think children forget you in 3 minutes and move on.

And as I move on from Mumbai, let’s see where I land and when I am back. If I am back. Let’s see what destiny has in store for me and where I end up. I need to sort of relook at how I’ve lived my life and the failures that I have piled up. Without learning from my mistakes. And I’ve continued to, repeat those 🙁

Let’s see what I come back with once I am back. With this, over and out. Here’s streaks…

OMAD – 2
#book2 – 0
#noCoke – 176
#noCoffee – 20
#aPicADay – 0
Money spent – 1201
Killer Boogie – 0
10K steps a day – 0
Surya Namaskar – 0
10 mins of meditation – 0
Minimaslism Counter – -2 +1 (ease of shifting)
Morning Pages / Meditations – 266
NOFAP – 2. Starting this counter today. Let’s see how long can I go.

PS: This may very well be my last morning pages post till the mid of October. You would know if you dont see a post by 11 AM tomorrow. If this is the last post, this would be the 267th day on the trot when I wrote an average of 1000 words each day. Incredible job, Mr. Garg!

Also, streaks are an important part of my life now. I will keep em going here.

291220 – Morning Pages

604 AM

I have had a sleepless night. After quite a while.

Why?

Well, multiple factors. Missed deadlines at work. Passion projects seemed to be going sideways. Personal life seems to be going off track. People clearly don’t like and I’ve built my life being a likable person and in general, being helpful and all. A friend turned client called me at 11 to complain about a colleague turned parter. A friend working on a startup seems to be struggling and I cant seem to help him at all. And there is a lot more!

I guess life happened!

And so much more.

Like I tweeted yesterday, what a day!

It was so bad that I ended up loading on carbs like a mad man. All the lo-carb thingy that I was on since the last few days have gone for a toss. I would love to talk about what happened and why it happened and how it happened and if I was at fault. But writing about it and ranting about it would not help. I actually don’t know what would help. I guess this too shall pass. #note2self – write about these on #sgEchoChamber.

So, anyhow.

There were some silver linings as well. I have a few interns from SP Jain working with me to market the Marketing Connect Podcast and I had a session with them where I gave them gyaan. I realized yet again that I love talking to young people. Need to scale it somehow.

Plus, I was working out from Clay and towards the evening, I took time to see the sun go down at the Anjuna beach. It was mesmerizing. Doing nothing and watching the sun hide behind the waves. And since it was less crowded than the Baga where I normally hang out at, it was lovely. I must make it a practice to see it go down every day. There was this colleague at a point in time – Guru. He worked out of Goa and he would insist that we need to go watch it. Yesterday I saw that he meant. It was his birthday a few days ago and I must drop him a line, wishing him and thanking him for the tip. But then, he thought I was a nutcase and he may or may not read my email. Heck, his email address that I have may no longer be valid.

Anyhow, here are some pics for you to enjoy. I am proud of how these have come out. One of these has been edited.

Guess which one is edited? Lol, that’s probably the simplest quiz ever!

I think I have the talent for photography and I must pursue it. What do you think?

Damn I wish I had more lives!

Apart from this, I am not sure I can write a lot, to be honest. The head is still reeling from all the fuckery that happened yesterday. Of course, I am to blame for all of it. I need to mend my ways. If nothing else, I need to become so unbreakable that even though things so sideways, I need to not get riled up and eat like a man coming out of famine. I have to be stronger. Lol, self-talk!

It’s still 630. And less than the requisite 30 minutes of writing. Lemme carry on.

Oh yeah. One of my old employers and the man who taught me most of what I know called me after ages. He wanted some tiny help. Did that for him. I realised that I would do whatever it takes for his approval. In fact I am realising that if you dont take people from your past into your future, it is not the greatest feeling. While the novelty of a new relationship is exciting, the ease of doing things with the old is something that makes work happen faster!

Talking of fast, life in Goa is making me realize the importance of fast, high-speed internet. There are a million things that you take for granted when you are in the commercial capital of the world. Fast internet is one of those. The entire last night when I was rolling around in the bed, I realized that I couldn’t even distract myself by watching a mindless film because I did not have internet. I couldn’t work because a simple Keyword Planner tool on Google would not open up. This piece is being typed on my blog that is using an internet connection of my mobile phone that is hanging at the edge of the building I live at and I am perched up so that I could be in the range.

I can talk about slowness if I have to but I think I am not the one designed for it. I understand the concept philosophically but I don’t believe in it. Yes, there are things that need slowness to happen. But then that’s that. We can NOT extrapolate those things to everything else, like a lot of people do. Life has to be in the fast lane. I mean it is very very unpredictable. And is random at best. You are like a blip on the radar and you may just go poof randomly. I’ve lost someone important this year. And I know at least two friends that have lost a parent. I lost a classmate from MDI. She was my age. No, I did not know her at all. Even at MDI, I would have spoken to her probably once in all of two times and never ever since. But when I heard about her, I was zapped.

To be honest, I have nothing against the concept of death. I even believe in it. The problem is in the suddenness, the unpredictability, the waste of an opportunity that people and talent have when they die. I mean we lost Rahat Saab this year. Imagine the words he would write, the fires he would ignite in our minds, the impact he would have had if he were around!

I mean we could have an earthquake and all this planning of the future that never seems to be arriving could be rendered meaningless! If there is one thing that I am learning from the day yesterday, it is that life is fucking short. And slowness has no place in it.

You ought to act.

Now.

There’s no time like now. No place like here.

Err on the side of action.

Ready. Fire. Aim.

Steve Jobs has famously said, “your time is limited”. It is my screensaver.

The wallpaper on my phone is Memento Mori. It is the memento that I carry along. Must get one real-life, physical one.

Do not wait for perfection. This is a lesson that a 73-year old man once gave me. And trust me, this man HAS seen the world!

Do so much, so often that the trail you blaze leaves others in awe and makes them inspired to do more in life!

With that motivational pep-talk to self, I hope I would get over the fuck-all-ness of the day yesterday. Time to get going and act.

Over and out!