Month: August 2021

310821 – Morning Pages

I talk about events as engaging work, wanting to write for a living, minimalism and how India is where the future is and yet me wanting to move out!

7:12. Woke up a few minutes ago. I am a little groggy. Guess it’s the sleeping on the floor ka side effect. Two more nights. And then one night on a train and then a hotel bed. Damn, I miss hotels and their beds. Damn, I miss life as an event manager! I think of all the things I’ve worked on, I was the most engaged when I was doing events. And I have a feeling, if I dive head-on into films, I would be far more engaged than I am when I am on any other project. I enjoy the time I spend while I am writing but then writing doesn’t pay. Damn this world where I need to find money to engage in things I love.

Anyhow. Let’s not get into a rant.

So yesterday was ok. Did some work. Did some time pass. Met a client f2f about 4 months after we started working. It was good fun. Got rogered as well (I am failing as a marketer there). Need to pull socks. But that’s the part and parcel of life. I can’t have all things work smoothly all the time. There would be ups and downs and that’s ok.

Today is a long long day. I need to wear shoes and go to another client’s office. I dont know how that would pan out. I hope I dont get rogered there :D. Then I need to visit the set of the next short film that I am working on. Not that I add any value but it’s the closest that I can get to doing an event. Just that I am the guy who controls things at the event. And at the set, it’s the director.

So that.

Oh, I must log that this trek to EBC is not turning out into a good idea. I have bought way too many things (shoes, clothes, accessories). And while it’s money, it’s also the mental load of owning all those things. I mean I have mentally decided that I will give away the new shoes to the porter that will help me carry my things. And other accessories to travel shops in Nepal. Just that, this effort of buying expensive things and then thinking about them is not cool. I need to become stronger with this resolve of staying a minimalist. And I need to have more money to be able to not worry about spending large sums on one-time purchases and then discarding what I bought. I mean this pair of shoes is probably the most expensive I’ve ever bought (at 8K) and I will just give it away after I wear it for like 5 days! So that.

No, I can’t complain that this is a side effect of minimalism. It’s just that I find it wasteful. And no, there’s no solution.

Ok. What else?

So the other day I was talking to MK about how I want to live and work out of India. And how I am supportive of everyone moving out of here. You know, the political and economic environment. And he told me that maybe I need to rethink this. In the sense that as an entrepreneur and a capitalist, he is of the opinion that the future is in India. I can’t disagree. We are the second-largest domestic market, of people that have more and more discretionary money to spend and on top, aspirations to second to none. So there would be a few years of consumerism. And that means there would be more and more opportunities for people like us. You know, while in the gold rush, make axes? So that. No, I haven’t changed the resolve per se. But when MK talks, I listen carefully. So I need to think more about it. Maybe I would think about it over the next few days.

So I guess this is about it for the day. Short post but this is all that I am thinking about right now. Here’s streaks…

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 173
  • #noCoffee – 16
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Money spent – 5396
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 263

300821 – Morning Pages

Today I talk about producing short films, being a shoulder and one of the greatest fears I have in life – the one of being treated unfairly!

7:53. Starbucks Powai.

Here for a day-long meeting. Have another meeting here tomorrow. Thankfully that’s not all day. I can be in and out. Just that travel to Ghatkopar is a pain with traffic and Metro construction and all that. It’s a sin. It’s a mortal waste of time. Anyhow. So, morning pages. A dump of what’s on my head.

So, I am constantly thinking of how I should be doing more. Wow! I have been able to capture this so well! Do more in terms of fitness, office work, relationships, and all that. This thing about wanting to do more is literally guiding my thoughts, emotions, and actions. To a point that I am living in this La La land. You know, in the sandcastles in the head. Guess I need to jolt out of it. Let’s see how and when I do that. Maybe the upcoming break from work and a computer would help. Of course, the sad part would be that I would have to break this morning pages streak that I have been on since December of last year!

Ok, enough of sadness. Let’s move on.

So, tomorrow is the first day of the next short that I am involved with. This would be the 4th film that I am part of. I have primarily been a co-producer on all these 4. For the uninitiated, a producer is primarily a financier. And then s/he does other things like getting the project together and ensuring that it works out well.

And no, most short films dont really make money. Actually, wait. I must say, a short-film that makes money is a rarity.

The deal with shorts is that the writer and / or the director gets to show their work. The crew gets one more credit on IMDB. The producer / financier is the fool that does not gain anything. Except opportunities to share stories and reels about it on Instagram. And for someone like me who doesn’t care about these bragging rights, there is no ROI. I mean I can get happy with the validation that I lent a shoulder to some people but that’s that. I can sleep a tad better with the knowledge that I acted like the giant that others could stand on the shoulder of. I can be happy that people want to play games with me (ref: yesterday’s post). But that’s that, to be honest.

I just hope at some point in time in life these things make sense. And the ones that I am lending a shoulder to remember to lend their shoulders to others.

I often think about why I support these endeavors when I dont have the money in the first place. And especially when I believe that I am wise and all that. Lol. I think I suffer from the Dunning-Kruger thingy. I mean I think I am wise but maybe I am not that wise. If it’s pinching me, why am I even trying to do things? Why can’t I just sit idle and let a corpus get built? Even if it takes years for that to happen?

I guess these are those questions that we’d never find answers to. Not that I need the answers. I mean I dont want to find out, to be honest. If I realize that I was wrong, it would break my heart. This risk of being treated unfairly by people that I support is more than the misery of taking on debt and funding my dreams. In fact, this probably is my biggest fear. I hope I dont have to face that day when I see my people being unfair. I mean I know life is unfair. Things are unpredictable. People change. Pandemics happen. But the implicit contract with my people needs to be sacrosanct. Cast in stone. Un-fuckable-with.

Ok, enough. Time to get on with work. Here’s the streaks.

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 172
  • #noCoffee – 15 (wow!)
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Money spent – 1322
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 262

Untitled – 290821

A dump of things that I am thinking about. Nothing specific. Just a random walk on keyboard in an attempt to feel good.

About 7 PM. Sunday.

Have nothing to do and nowhere to go. There’s a lot of openwork that I can do but I dont feel like. This is the time when I want to be lounging at a comfortable place – you know, like a hotel or something. Instead, I am trying to find solace at a Starbucks with a cup of green tea. And no, that does not offer any solace. It merely allows you to distract yourself from the fuckeries in your head.

What fuckeries, you may ask. Well, the ones that keep your head churning. The ones that make you question the choices you’ve made. The ones that make you think that the damn grass is green on the other side while yours is withering and shrinking and shriveling like it’s the perpetual winters. I mean I love the winters. But you get the drift.

What sucks is that you think you’ve done so much for others all your life and you’ve hoped all your life that at moments like these when you want comfort, you want company, you would have those people around. But when you look around, you see standing alone. And everyone else that you hoped would be around standing atop mighty towers in various stages of their respective bliss. Which is not wrong, to be honest. It’s an issue with your expectation. How about doing things without hoping that you’d get something back? The act of asking for things, expecting from others needs to be contained. It’s a pandemic in itself.

The thing is, most times I am so hyper-active on social media channels that I dont get time to think and wonder where things are. But then since Jul, I’ve been away from Twitter and Instagram – two channels that I hang out the most at. Over at these two places, I have enough and more fodder to kill time with. In the sense that I am busy with general chit-chat and aimless wandering. Not that I made any deep connections there but I was busy. At least in my head. Of course, if I were dying, none of those would people would come to help. Lol. For that matter, the ones that I believe are my true friends, wouldn’t come in handy either. But then the point is that there is enough to kill time and keep busy. And leave me with little time to think about things like the meaning of life and all that. So, in a way that distraction is not bad. You know, filling it with fluff.

Ok, I dont know what else to write. I think I need to distract myself. I think I will go find something to waste time on. Over and out.

290821 – Morning Pages

I talk about shifting, reliability, sleeping on the floor, hidden talents and games people play!

8:07. Starbucks at Khar. Here cos I have to meet someone at 9. And this is the only thing that is open where I could’ve sat and completed my morning pages in peace. I have about 45 mins to go. The place where I am supposed to meet is like a 5 minutes hop away. So that.

Yesterday was eventful. I finally moved whatever I owned to a different place. Some to SJ2’s place. And some to Paras’. When I was moving, I used the crew from the events business to help me with things. And they did a decent job. Better than what a professional packing team could’ve done, do be honest. I think I should start that, a relocation service! Lol!

So, two things from there.

A. The boys that moved the things. Most of them were around 20. I suspect one or two of those was not even 18. Yes, I did ask. While they worked as causal workers, each of those had dreams that went beyond even mine. They wanted to be film stars, politicians and all that. After the shifting was done, I got them for lunch. While chatting around, they showed me some of the work they’ve done with their not-so-fancy phones, and I was blown away by the output! These kids have literally no training in filmmaking or scripting or anything of that sort. And yet they were able to create something that I can even dream of. They had tools that I have not even heard of and they used those like I would flip weapons on Counter-Strike. Or as fast as I type. You know, from muscle memory. And cognition. It was insane to see those boys in action. I wish I had an iota of talent.

I have made a promise to self that I would work with these kids and get them to make a short film (at least) or a docu that I would produce. Of course, once I am back in Bom. Let’s see when that is. #parkedIdeas

B. Now that I have moved things, I dont have anything in the house, apart from some clothes that I need for the next few days. And some stuff that I want to carry to Delhi. I had to carry a lot more but since I am going via a train and taking stops at Ahmedabad, I may not be able to. Not important. The point is, the house is empty. With just the things that it came to me with. And I had to sleep on the floor. And it was painful. I thought people said that sleeping on the floor was good for the back. I am sore as a log. I felt as if someone has beaten me blue with hockey sticks and all. I am not rested. And I have to sleep like that till the night of the 2nd. 4 more nights. Damn. If I die because of exhaustion, it would be unfortunate.

So that.

In other news, I was supposed to record a marketing podcast with a guest. The gentleman did not show up. And I was informed about it when I checked his team, 2 minutes after the time we were supposed to record. I dont know how people can be so careless with other people’s times. If you dont commit, I understand. But once you’ve said that you’d be there, you better be. Or inform beforehand! Ok, this sounds like I am angry or something. I am not. I am merely logging it here. And then taking a lesson for myself.

Finally, I have to write this lesson I learned yesterday. I am yet to process it fully but it was important enough for me to capture it here. I may even write an SoG about it. I was seeing this conversation between Dr. Peterson and Lewis Howes. Around the 15th minute mark, they talk about games we play as individuals. And they talk about how you can and must become a person that everyone wants to play with! Play is defined as social interactions. And games as things we do as people – interact, work, entertain, play etc etc. They go on to talk about how if you can’t be the one that everyone wants to play with, you can definitely become NOT the last person that gets chosen when other people have to pick when they choose to play. And then they talk about things that you need to have to become that. In one line, the answer is, you must work to ensure that others that you play with, go back better before they interacted with you. And nothing else.

This is a little counterintuitive. I mean when you play a game, you want to win. Come out on top. Come out a winner. And that is often at the cost of others. So you are essentially getting ahead at the cost of others. The others dont get to become better. If you however put other people’s interests ahead of you, they see that they are getting better as a result of interactions with you. They would talk about it. Make more players aware of the favorable outcome. And the odds of you getting picked would, well, pick up!

Funnily, I have been doing this for a while now. And as a result, I believe most people want to include me in their teams (not as the first few choices). Most people want me to have their back. And that is valuable. I need to work hard to become the first person they think of when they want to play games.

The only thing I need to be aware of is that most people that I choose to play with, they often leave me poorer. And thus I know I dont want to engage with them in more games. And I need to better the way I select and pick people.

So that.

Guess this is about it. 1000 words already. And we are at 8:44. Less than 30 mins. See that’s the thing. I can spill out words very very fast if I know what I want to talk about. Just that I need to have a rich enough repertoire and mental faculties and world view that I have enough and more to write about. And write often.

Chalo, moving on with the day. Over and out. Here’s the streaks.

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 171
  • #noCoffee – 14
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Money spent – 9122
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 261

280821 – Morning Pages

A quick post about the effort and horrors and mindfuckery that moving things from a house could be.

8:41. Moving day. Have packed my life. In one suitcase. One carry-on. One laptop bag that I carry around on day to day basis. Three Ikea bags. Four cartons. A writing table. Two chairs. And this blog. That’s all. My life. Funny how much self-important you consider yourself to be and at the end of it, what you are left with is just a handful of things. I mean if I were to die tomorrow, that’s all I would leave behind. No legacy, nothing of interest to anyone. Nothing that others could look at and wonder who was this guy?

There were things that till a few days away I would have killed to retain, save, take care of. But then I decided that I did not want to. In fact, this inventory that I made above? I want to be able to discard those as well. At some point in time in life. Let’s see when I do that. I still need a lot of work to be able to reach that place.

So anyhow. Yesterday I did an interesting experiment. I was forced to actually. I worked from the shelter (I think is what this house was – a shelter. I was never home) till about 4 and then went to Starbucks. And then stayed there till about 10. While I was there, I could get a lot of calls done and a lot of things that needed work. But then I must say that the place is a lot more vibrant at that hour. There were people all over. There was cheer and love and sadness and dreams and work and plans and everything else that you can imagine can happen at a place like Starbucks!

So this is the time when I am a little ok, a little at peace. In about an hour or so (if Paras is on time), I will be full of stress and full of anger. I hate the idea of moving. There are way too many things that are in motion. There is way too much intrusion into privacy. And I am one of those extremely private people. I mean I am ok to live in public but I dont like people peering into my house. I dont know why. It’s funny. I am ok with people knowing that my friends dont come around when I need them, but I dont want them to see how I live. It’s weird and eccentric, to be honest. But that’s how it is.

So today starts a longish weekend for people. Monday is a chutti. So the external parties demanding attention would be limited. That would help. Been working way too hard over the last few days and I think I can do with this non-intrusive life. Of course, I am working but at my pace, at my time, at my convenience. I am also on the road a lot. In the sense, I am shutting between two houses in Andheri today to move my things. Then I am in Bandra tomorrow in the morning (will have to ensure that I wake up early and write morning pages), I have a call right after that. I am in Powai on Monday morning. For almost the entire day. Then Ghatkopar on Tuesday. Again for an entire day. Post that I will have some sort of reprieve from travel. Till the train on Friday. And then madness in and around Delhi. I know I would be unhappy while in Delhi but there’s no other place I can truly call home.

What else am I thinking about?

Ummm… not sure. This moving around is such a big thing in itself that it occupies all the space in your head and soul. Oh, I have a podcast to record today. So that should be interesting. I like the idea of talking to people and listening to them and learning from them. So that’s gonna be cool.

Ok, I think this is about it for the day. I need to clean a few more things even before the boys I’ve called to help move come in. I hate the idea of dirt, mess, un-organization, and all that.

More tomorrow. Hopefully, I would have a few more things to talk about. Over and out. And here’s streaks

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 170
  • #noCoffee – 13
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Money spent – 12686. Bought a Gimbal for the EBC.
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 260

270821 – Morning Pages

I longish post on how work, social constructs, luck, self-flagellation, travel and more. Kind of depressing. Read with caution.

7:05. Lokhandwala. Even though I am mere 7 days away from quitting this place (and I’ve had this for almost a year now), I still can’t seem to call this place home. There’s nothing home-like here. Too many old things from the landlord. Too few people that I would’ve liked to invite to make this into a home. No memories, no routines, no customizations were created. And it’s ok. I dont think I will miss this place at all. This one remains the second most worse house I’ve ever lived in, in Mumbai. The one in Peter Apartments takes the cake. The common thing between the two is that both are old houses with older furniture piled by the landlord to expect more rent. The lesson is that the next house that I move in, has to be empty, barring the ACs. And I refuse to own things till I know I will not have to move. Shifting a house is probably more stressful than managing an event.

Anyhow. It’s gonna be gone in less than a week. I will move most of my things out tomorrow. Leaving behind a change of clothes, a couple of bedsheets, and some toiletries. Will move everything (writing table, books, etc etc) tomorrow. So, the dream of living in a bare house shall come true. I actually did it with the last house as well. I slept in the empty house after I had moved all my things. And it was discomforting and weird and interesting af. Let’s see how is the experience in this house.

So, yesterday was a good day. From 8 till about 3 I was at a Starbucks (not my regular one though) and had some 242 green teas. Then I met a friend for another tea. The highlight of that meeting is that the friend told me that he’s for a membership to the MCA. Wow! So so cool! Also reminded me of the challenge thrown by Rana Sir. #lifeGoal! Among other things, I gave a lot of gyaan to this friend about life and all. And I realized that I enjoy doing that. Who doesn’t 😀

Then I had a work meeting where I had to present something. Oh, and I enjoyed it! It went ok, to be honest, we could’ve done more. But I loved that I was in a conference room, talking about things. I must do it more often. I mean, while I hate this concept of inter-city travel, I love the idea of being able to jam intelligently on things. I wish I could do it more often. I am ok even life makes me a traveling salesman that is on the road all the time talking. I am ok with having no home to come back to. There’s actually nothing I can call home. Probably apart from my parent’s house in Delhi. That too is fading away soon – you know, I’ve been away for too long, I am used to this weird lifestyle where I dont want anything or I want it as plush as an Ambani would have. So yeah.

Post the meeting, went out with colleagues for dinner. Till that time I had refrained from eating. Even though I was on the road. And then I gave in. The time when I had to show my biggest restraint, I gave in. But then, I only ate in that one window. So OMAD nonetheless. Will try yet again today for a 48-hour fast. Lol!

The other thing I realized is that I am unable to hold conversations that are about worldly matters. I did not know the cricket score. I had no clue what is the ideological difference between Taliban and ISIS. And how are they different from others. I had no inkling of the films and Netflix series that they were talking about. But when the topics swung to work, I could talk and I was unstoppable. This uni-dimensionality to my life needs to either become more pronounced. Or needs to go. I don’t know which. But one of these has to happen. #note2self

So that was yesterday.

Today looks a little ok. I mean I dont have any rushed meetings anywhere. I do have a few presentations to make. I do have some slides to write. But that’s that. A lot of time will be spent packing whatever little needs to be packed. So far my life is contained in 3 Ikea bags full of books, a carton full of paper, a big suitcase full of clothes and that’s all. I will probably have one more carton and one more suitcase. Of course the writing-table and all that.

Oh, almost forgot. In the big news, the road trip that I was super excited about for the last month or two? It got canceled. Technical reasons. I will no longer be able to meet all those people that I had promised to meet en-route Delhi. I will no longer be able to do the long-planned atma-manthan. Maybe it wasn’t supposed to happen in the first place? Maybe it will happen while I am walking towards EBC? But then, who knows if that gets canceled as well? You know how life could be. Despite me being a destiny’s child, life does hand me lemons when I least expect it to. I think I should get this “Expect the best. Prepare for the worst.” tattooed on me. Apart from “this too shall pass”. Good that I sat with SJ2 and got my will actioned. In case he forgets, in the worst-case scenario, if I am gone, I want my digital footprint wiped. I’d have no way of knowing if that happens but I trust custodians of my will to manage that.

Oh, btw, I decided to make a vlog of the trip to EBC. I am going to buy a few gadgets – a camera, gimbal, battery packs, etc. I am not sure if I want to go all-in and think about the vlog (rather than being in the moment and walking and thinking). But the idea has taken seed. I need to think over the next 5-6 days if I want to do it. Let’s see.

So, I am taking a train to Ahmedabad to meet Krishna. And then from there on, I’ll take a flight to Delhi (will or shall?). This means that all the things that I wanted to dump in Delhi, I can no longer carry. I will have to trust SJ2 or Paras with those things. They are reliable people but then those things are not mine and I am a mere custodian and I want to thus be super careful. Also, I had thought I would take a few things that my parents could use in Delhi (read TV) but then that may not happen. These are the times when I sort of crave for a lot of money. You know, I would’ve bought a car and then dumped it in Delhi. The experience of being on the road for 5 days is what I was looking forward to. Wish I was resourceful enough to do this.

Wait. Fuck my misery.

The talk of resourceful reminds me of the Jeff Bezos quip. He says that the single largest quality he seeks in his partners / teams is resourcefulness. I think he said something like, “if I get trapped in a third-world country prison, I want my partner to be able to rescue me from there.” This is EXACTLY what is happening in Afghanistan. I am thinking if this were to happen in India tomorrow, do I have resourceful people to get out of India? Or if my favorite person was trapped in Af right now, could I’ve got her out? No. And No. So that means, I need to put in more work. And I need to inculcate this in every young person I meet.

To the thing above, if I need a balancing thought, I can say that I did get some help from a couple of loose connections (Jash and another writer) on a new project that I am pitching for. And both of them are willing to work on it without seeking any upfront compensation. So, in a way, I do have access to people that can help me if needed. Even last year when I needed help, I was surprised that loose connections were more approachable and helpful than the ones I share a strong bond with. Life’s funny like that. Actually, not life. Us humans are funny. We look at patterns and try and seek evidence in support of the ones we believe to be true. And I somehow manifest them to repeat. I can put forth a lot of examples. My romantic partners lose interest in me after a bit and consider hanging out with me an “embarrassment” in the worlds they live in. My “boy gang” continues to march forward on frivolous conversations and is hardly around to help with fuckeries of life. I seem to quit work right when I was just supposed to reap the benefits. I’ve lived almost 40 years with this pattern. This cycle. Dunno when and how I would break out of it.

Ok enough. Rant. Damn this promise to live in public.

Guess this is about it.

Felt amaze to write 1000+ words after a while.

Thing is, when I have things to write about, I can write fast and I can make sense. I just need to be able to do this even when I have nothing in my head. That’s when magic would happen!

Chalo with that, it’s over and out. In less than 35 minutes, I have 1500+ words. Well done, Mr. G!

Here’s the streaks.

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 169
  • #noCoffee – 12
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Money spent – 6770
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 259

260821 – Morning Pages

A shortpost lamenting about lack of money, fancy things, audience and more. Damn these ranty and negative posts!

8:30. Starbucks. Somewhere in Lower Parel. I am here yet again. Second time in less than a week or so. Work. Sigh. I am now realising how incredible a waste of time this face to face meetings are, especially when it’s mere transactional work. TBH, today is not transactional per se. This one is an important meeting. But this could very well have been a Zoom call. But theek hai. Kaam hai. Karo.

So, yesterday I was supposed to start a 48-hour fast. But I ended up eating like a pig. That was coming out of famine. I ate whatever I saw. Even if the taste was BS and all I ate was fried in oil that was already heated and re-heated a million times. As a result, my stomach has revolted. I have this funny feeling in my gut. I dont know what to do to solve it. I remember Vijesh telling me that each time you are unwell, just fast for 3 days and have just coconut water. So lemme try that today. I mean today I will have to have a lot of green tea (aka ghaas ka paani) as I am on the road but I can have coconut water from tomorrow on. Let’s see.

Also, yesterday, a funny thing happened. I have to log it in here. I am part of the team that is making a short film. For that, since it’s an indie film, we need to save as much money as we can. The team decided that they would pick things from our respective homes and houses and decorate the set. They thus decided to come over to my place. And when they were decided that, I realized that I hate to let strangers come over to my space for inspection. I dont have anything to hide. I have just a handful of things. Even those, most are packed already. I keep my place mostly tidy. But when the decision was made to come over to my place, I was fucked in my head. And these were people that I trust and love and care for and all that. And for a project that would help me go beyond in life. And yet I heard my pit growl. I dont know what it is about getting people in places where I live.

I remember last year when I lived at a fancier place, during the lockdown, VG and AS came over on some frivolous pretext. I was mindfucked for a week after that. The same thing happened when I lived in a fancy locality but a fuckall house. I think it’s my insecurity at the inability to make enough to stand shoulder to shoulder with my peers. I need to think more about this at some point in time in life. Let’s see when. #toThink

Oh, I got paid for a project that I had done in June. This means I can now fund the film that I spoke about earlier. And more importantly, I can pay my people. Yay!

Ok. Moving on. Next thing. Today.

For starters, I am gonna try and fast today.

Today looks like a bad day. In the sense that I am already in unchartered waters (wearing pants, formal shirt, carrying shoes, at a place that is known for poshness). Plus way too many things open with way too many projects for one of my clients. Plus the growling stomach and the parched heart. Wah. Parched heart. I wish I was more famous and my words found more homes.

I just hope that I can avoid the temptation to eat while I am zipping thru the town. Of course, I have discovered that as long as I am busy in my head, I can. So maybe I need to do that. Keep myself occupied. With what? I dont know yet. Let’s see.

Guess this is it for the day.
I shall report back how it is tomorrow.

Here’s streaks.

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 168
  • #noCoffee – 11
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Money spent – 1886
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 258

250821 – Morning Pages

Quick post on tabs pandemic, people, proximity, photos, pains of traveling in Mumbai.

7:43. In shelter. I am here till about 11. Have a few calls where I need to be in a silent, quiet room and defend a case per se. I can’t really take calls from Starbucks. I am thinking, the days I am gonna be in Delhi, I would not have a quiet room per se. I do have a separate room per se but I am not sure how quiet it is going to be. Let’s see when we reach there.

So the largest thing, on the top of my head, is the pandemic of unclosed tabs. I have some 1200 tabs open that need work on. I mean not open per se but the ones that I need to act upon. I dont even know how to close those. Some are videos to be seen, some are things to be read, some are things to do. I dont know what to do about it. I am in that circle where I open tabs like my life depends on those and then keep pushing them back. Any solutions anyone?

The highlight of the day has to be the walk on the Versova beach with AdiSave. We talked about life, work, projects, and all that. And then a quick meeting with SJ and him. We talked about TRS, the future, and all that. I love such meetings, such conversations. I love the idea of sort of planning where I want to be. And then actually making things happen that take us there. Also, I love these in-person meets. There’s something about being able to see someone from up close that a Zoom call does not cut.

Oh, and here’s a pick from the walk yesterday. I think this is among the best pics I’ve clicked in a long long time.

Tell me when you spot the guy. He was supposed to be the focal point 😀

The thing is, I could meet Adi Sir cos he lives close by. It’s not really walking distance but I can meet him fast enough if required. I also called Rana Sir. He lives far from where I am and thus it was a phone call (and not an in-person meeting). I spoke to Hemant Sir about things. While these phone calls are awesome, they’re not really my thing.

In fact, I wish everyone I care for, lived within walking distance from me. That’s the thing. At a point in time, VG made plans that all of us friends must live together as grow old. I am not sure if that will pan out. Let’s see if it does. I just hope it’s not in India. And if it is in India, it has to be a beach. Or mountains.

Actually, I can’t do a laidback life. I would want to be bang in the middle of the action! So let’s see.

What else?

Oh, I sat with SJ2 the other day and gave him dope on what to do in case I dont come back from EBC. I dont want to be the guy that leaves a mess behind.

Of course, I ate kachra like a man coming from a famine. No, not a good thing. But I can not seem to control what I eat and how I eat and where I eat and all that. I need to figure out a solution to this food problem. Ok. Here’s a promise. I will make another attempt at a 48-hour fast from today on. I had the last thing at around 1 AM last night. So I will try to eat the next thing on the morning of the 28th. Let’s see if I can manage.

Today looks like a longish day with a few meetings, few calls, and a lot of other small errands. Like I said, the first one is important enough for me to stay back and not go to a Starbucks. So that.

Guess this is about it for the time being. More tomorrow. I have to travel to Lower Parel tomorrow and need to stay there till 7:30 PM at least. Bummer. Dreading it already. The good part is that I have a train pass / ticket and that means I dont have to get stuck in the traffic. In the morning, it’s anyway ok. The evening is what I am worried about. Chalo let’s see how it is.

Oh, before I end, here’s streaks…

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 167
  • #noCoffee – 10
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Money spent – 1385
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 257

240821 – Morning Pages

A weird post where I touch upon a million things under the sun. Clothes, Mumbai, Fitness, EBC and more.

8:23. Woke up a few minutes ago. Groggy. I actually slept at 3 or something. I was in bed at around 10:30 but I couldn’t just sleep. I even ordered a parantha at 1ish and ate. Thereby fucking up OMAD. I have just about 2 weeks to get to EBC and I am running way behind on my attempts at getting ready for it. I may be in for a surprise when I am there. I just hope that in the worst case, they airlift me back to humanity! And just to be prepared, I sat with SJ2 and gave him access to all my passwords. And the will. In case.

So, in the news yesterday, I did a lot of work. It was one of my most productive days, to be honest. Even though I did not move the needle on a lot of things but I did have control over my time and delivered on most things that were expected from me. So that was cool.

Oh, I was dressed in an office shirt (and shorts :D), and no I did not see the advantages of dressing up well. I did not make any heads turn. I did not feel more confident. I did not have strangers walking up to me and telling me that they feel I could be a fit in their next film. Rather I was sweating (it was hot yesterday) and that meant that I am not sure if I would take the adventure of dressing up to help me get ahead in the world.

What else? The thing is when you are so groggy, there is this lingering, mild headache, you dont know what to do. You can’t think straight. The best way to get out of this is to go take a walk. Or maybe eat something. If not even that, have some coffee or something. Lol.

Ok, lemme write bullet points about what’s on my head. This often works for me.

  1. M is moving away from Mumbai in the next 6 months. She’s probably the closest thing I have that I am attached to at an emotional level. Everything else is expendable. Thing is, I am randomly getting emo about it. I mean it is good for her in the long run if she’s out of here. There are better oppourtunities. She gets to spread her wings and get away from the cocoon that she’s living here in.
  2. I feel guilty at some level for not being able to work out and all that. Thing is, I just can’t use my mornings for anything but work. And by evening, things from the day are piled and there is no time. Plus I am unable to start by myself. I mean I can work all that I want to. But I can’t work out. It’s way too boring! The only sustainable way for me to make it work would be to start engaging in some sport in the after-work hours.
  3. I’ve been reading about some criticism of Dr. Peterson. No, I havent found anything alarming. I mean people dont like the fact that he’s a “conservative” but there’s no logical argument against what he preachers. Guess that’s true with every polarising figure. Anyhow. This is still WIP.
  4. I have this opportunity where I could with with BA on his idea as a co-founder. I am at a place where I have enough and more work on my shoulders. I am almost getting comfortable in terms of money I make. I do want to make more. I am not sure if I have the bandwidth to work on it at a deeper level. So I am at this crossroads. Need to take a call. Will probably do so while I am walking up the EBC.
  5. There’s so much flux in life right now! There are so many open things on my head right now that I am not sure where to find peace. I mean I am distracted a lot. I am thinking a lot about random things. There seems to be this hulchul just below the surface. I dont know what’s causing it. I dont know what’s the antidote. I dont know what’s the solution. But I know something is wrong for sure and it needs fixing.

So this. I know a lot to dump. Should I get back to meditation or something? I dont know. Let me try today.

I am hoping to not go to a Starbucks today. Let’s see if I can manage that. I know I won’t be able to. I mean it’s like a habit, a routine. And anyway I dont have a lot of time left here in Mumbai. I would be gone in less than 10 days. But what goes in trying to write and seeing if I can manage to stay “in shelter”.

So that’s about it. Ok, need to move on with the day. Here’s streaks…

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 166
  • #noCoffee – 9
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Money spent – 4098
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 256

230821 – Morning Pages

A quick post about food, habits and clothes. And then some gyaan.

9:31. At the Starbucks. Even though I woke up at 7, I puttered around the house. I had bought shoes and some other things yesterday from a Decathlon and I just wanted to sort of unpacking. And torture myself with the thoughts of wearing those when I am on my way to EBC.

Oh, I am wearing better clothes since yesterday. I mean not old, fata hua tees. But better shirts and all that. I wore a Kurta (or the closest garment I had to one) for Rakhi at M&m. And today, I am wearing a shirt that I would otherwise reserve for an office, in-person meeting.

No, it’s not cool. Neither it offers any comfort. But I have decided to mould myself to the ways of the world. Enough of gareebi. I just need to learn fake smiles and social conversations and some humor and I would be on my way to becoming a Steve Jobs. Lol. Wishful thinking.

The other good thing that happened was that I managed a 46-hour fast. On a whim. I have realised that the age-old adage is correct – that you eat food only when you are in a societal construct (meeting people, friends, family etc). Or when you are bored. Or you are habituated. You know, you want a chai as soon as you wake up.

So, Saturday and Sunday, I kept myself very very busy. And that helped. I need to now fill my calendar with things. The flip side is that I won’t get to work out. But I know I would be able to avoid eating.

The tough part was to say no to all the awesome things that VG’s place had. And then I had to meet some colleagues. I was tempted to pick from their plates but I did not. I did have a tiny morsel of Coconut from M. And then another tiny piece of cake from the colleague whose birthday we were celebrating. So I can say that I could avoid the societal constructs easy.

The habit is the thing that I need to work on. I mean I have to do a couple of video calls today and I will do those from SJ2’s place. And that means I will probably go buy kachra. And that’s because I am habituated. Need to break this chain.

So that.

Oh, I was to move houses on the weekend but I didn’t. I just did not feel like it. Not that I did a lot but I just did not feel like it. The move is now moved to the next weekend. And that is a time that I dont have an option to shift indiscriminately. I mean I need to vacate the house by the 2nd. So, I know what am doing the next weekend! And I hate hate hate this shifting and all that. It’s way too soul-sucking. But then, a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. Of course, I will add another post to the series of posts that I write when I move.

I think this is it for the day. Need to get going. Here’s streaks.

  • OMAD – 2. Ate after a 46-hour fast. Let’s see if I can manage OMAD today as well.
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 165
  • #noCoffee – 8
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Money spent – 10403
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 255