So the last few days I have had some weird pain in my chest on the left side. Now this could be something to do with the heart, or lungs, or muscles, or even gas, if nothing else. And since I’ve been reading a lot about health, sleep, longevity and all that, I am of course concerned. And unlike the Hernia that I have come to accept as a feature of my body and live with (I bear the pain most of the day), I am worried about this one.
Before you get alarmed, I am going for a check-up. And apart from the pain in my chest and shoulders, I don’t have any other symptoms (I have none of these that are typical of cardiac unrest – shortness of breath, sweating, dizziness, nausea, anxiety, indigestion etc). And I have been sleeping well, at least my whoop data tells me that. In my books, well means 6+ hours of restful sleep on average in the last few days.
So, any search on the internet about anything to do with discomfort in the chest will convince you that you are getting a heart attack and you are dying from it. And even if it’s a false alarm, I don’t want to die right now. I mean I am not afraid per se of death. I know it’s an inevitable destination and in the words of Steve, “Death is very likely the single best invention of Life”. Again in his words, “It clears out the old to make way for the new.” And I’ve seen this in action. However, I have a lot to do at this point. All this “lot to do” may be subjective, meaningless etc etc in the large scheme of things (I can be a nihilist at times) but to me, at this point in time in life, they matter. And I am willing to kill for those. Well, at least live for those. Plus, I run a village right now and the village may not be able to survive without me. I know I am giving myself too much importance but that is where it is. It may not even survive with me at the helm but at least I would’ve tried and I wouldn’t be an armchair activist.
So, while my aversion to organised medical institutions is well-known, I’ve got myself an expensive appointment with a doctor who looks fit, at least from his photos (Thanks Naval for the tip). And I am hoping that he will be unlike other doctors. If this one doesn’t turn out to be good, I’ll chat with someone else. And then maybe one more. And then hang my boots. Oh, I do have Ashi, a friend and a doctor who I trust.
The thing is, as I age, I need to find someone in the medical fraternity to look for me. I don’t trust the way doctors work – pumping you with medicines. I’d rather trust a person like Steve Jobs, Elon Musk to help me navigate my health. They would of course be capitalist as fuck and make a lot of money off me but I trust them to do the right thing for the customer.
Anyhow, I digressed.
Coming back to the point.
So I have this random pain.
Unlike I’ve ever had.
And it’s been persistent for a few days and has increased in frequency and intensity and area.
And I need to thus figure out what’s wrong with me. And since I don’t know what’s wrong, I have speculated on the worst-case scenario and on the best-case scenario. And while I did that, I tried to detach myself from my thoughts and I tried to observe myself with a third-party, equanimous lens.
And here’s what I found.
A/ I saw a middle-aged man relook at his will.
B/ I saw a man scared of the inevitable.
I could see that one night the man was afraid to even fall asleep. What if he didn’t wake up the next morning? In a flurry of texts, I shared a lot of hidden fears on Twitter. Go find what night was that, if you are curious.
C/ I saw a man in denial about how he lives his life.
You know, as a modern-day hippie, refusing to fit in.
I saw this man circle through the stages of grief. I learnt from AD and ND that when in adversity, you could rather be a problem-solver and go over these stages fast. Some people never get over it. AD got over his latest grief in like 1 hour. ND takes a day. This man took 4 days.
In his case, there was more confusion than anything else. But now he’s accepted it and is in a solution mode.
D/ I saw a lazy man who would make all the excuses he could to avoid going to a doctor. One time he made an online appointment and waited for the doctor to confirm. Then he made an appointment and cancelled. And today, as he writes this, he will finally go! Unless the laziness gets the better of him during the day.
E/ I also saw the man go over his latest health reports (last check-up in Mar 2024) and try to make sense of those. Till at least 30th of Mar 2024, apart from some inflammations and a high HbA1c, most markers were in place. Even the LDL and HDL were in permissible limits. So, I am not sure if you can fuck your heart health so bad in 5 months. See the confusion? And if I have, I have. And we shall find a solution.
F/ At no point I had an existential crisis per se.
I was worried and all that but I didn’t really lose sleep. I think I am blessed in that department. I sleep well. At least my whoop tells me that. So that’s one saving grace. As I write this, the previous night’s data says that I got 6+ hours of sleep (which I think is good for someone like me) and out of that I had 4+ hours of restorative sleep!
Post edit – I was indeed worried one night. I did mention it in point B.
Post edit 2 – as I edit this, I haven’t slept well last night.
G/ The man is at jo hoga dekha jaaega stage and not worried.
He took a pragmatic look at things and decided that in the case of the inevitable, he would put affairs in order (means find money for ageing parents, close things at work, disappear from the internet) and accept the inevitable. And accept that some mysteries in life can never be solved.
H/ Finally, I saw an old man, who refuses to grow up and act his age.
Ok, the man’s taking a break and is on his way to see a doctor. In a grand ceremony of sorts, he handed his computer (essentially his life’s possessions) to his trustworthy lieutenant and walked into the hospital.
POST VISIT
The man saw a doctor.
He shared his lifestyle, data, history etc.
He chose the heart doctor that looked the fittest.
He got some consultation.
He got his BP done twice (once it was 150-90 and then it was 130-90).
He got an ECG done.
He even tried to sell an health-tech idea to the doc 😀
The eventual recommendation from the doc was that there’s nothing to worry about and to rule out things, we can do more tests. So the man is in the process of doing those tests.
Oh, the doctor also mentioned that this could also be a result of anxiety. And here was this man – thinking that all was well with him in the head department!
So anyhow.
Very anti-climatic.
Much ado about nothing.
Or maybe there is something to worry about.
Time shall tell.
But in all, this was a very interesting, harrowing last 14 days.
I hope I sleep well tonight.
Post-edit – I did not.
Oh, by the way, I am gonna call this my rebirth and I am gonna take care of my village and my people.
Come on, universe.
Oh, in case someone wants to see my ECG report, lemme know.