I shared a link in one of the WA Groups I run (you can find a list of all groups I run here) and Neha asked me…
how would you write one for folks entering their 30s 🌿
I knew I had a lot to say, and when I asked for more details, she told me to write about “Relationships- with body, mind, spirit; pursuits and money; people.”
I understood this as 3 things.
- Relationships
- Pursuits and money. I will call this career.
- People.
I feel I am qualified to talk about the last two, and the next few paras would be about that. However, before you read, a few disclaimers.
1/ I started writing this on a flight. Lol.
I don’t know why this is a disclaimer.
And then I worked on this in the lobby of a cheap hotel.
And then I was on a flight when I wrote this.
2/ My advice would have worked for me if I were to relive my life.
You know, my kind of mindset, my kind of upbringing, my kind of emotions and all that. This is not general purpose advice. Most of what I said will not be applicable to most folks. Please take everything with a pinch of salt.
3/ I am biased.
4/ Do your own diligence before you take action.
My advice is typically not for people who want to take it easy. I am indexed on hard work, harsh opinions and moving ahead in life. I want you to take action and do more. So, that bias will reflect in what I write.
5/ This may sound like a rant from an old person.
Which it probably is. Even I am probably not aware.
6/ I have nothing new to report that you already do not know.
Just that stories and examples from my life would be unique. And you need to find meaning and inspiration from those stories.
So let’s start.
If you think your 20s went by fast, 30s would be faster.
And 30s would be more challenging.
At least it was for me.
The world would expect you to “handle” adult things (like marriage, homes, children, careers). With maturity.
You would see your friends zoom past very fast. In my case, I saw ALL my friends rise through the corporate ladder faster than Bolt goes thru those 100 meters and earn all the goodies that come alongside (cars, houses, weddings, kids, access to lounges, business class travel, foreign holidays etc) with scary consistency. World does reward boredom. I on the other hand was stuck in some funk, and there were so many times when I knew I couldnt go dinnering with my friends because I cant afford the restaurants they go to.
And while the two things above happen, you would start seeing your fitness levels fade (unless you are working on it already). Fitness in terms of body, mind and soul. Body – you probably aren’t sleeping enough. Mind – you probably have stopped learning long ago. Soul – you probably are playing jumping jacks between relationships. See Appendix A.
Oh, and if you are entering your 30s in this day and age, you would be staring at irrelevance, thanks to AI and harder-working, younger people who are probably at the peak of their hunger. Thankfully, you don’t need to worry about older folks like me. My ilk is obsolete. Even this gyaan I am giving you can be articulated far better by an AI tool.
And no, all’s not bad. Here’s the good part.
You are at a place where people will start taking you seriously. You are no longer a “kid” who’s only daydreaming and fucking around to find out. You are an adult who has probably “thought through” things, and you know what you want to be working on.
You would also have some friends, acquaintances and well-wishers who’ve known you for a few years now. You would have earned some social currency for sure, and you hopefully have built some sort of safety net (in terms of savings). These connections, social currency and bank balance will come in handy when you want to do things. PS: In the subsequent part, I talk about how to build these two.
You also would have some clarity on how you want to spend your time here and where you want to live. On where to live, see my biased take in annexure B.
Life’s a gift, and we ought to make the most of it. Like Naval says, the journey is all we have and the attention is all we can give. So you need to figure out what journey gives you the most rasa and who do you want to gift your attention to. In my case, I was a foolish drifter till COVID struck and I was a slave to the vagaries of life. I went where life took me. When I was clueless, I followed the herd. When I didn’t know better, I would default to drifting.
Now I try to live a more deliberate life – I choose who I want to meet, who I want to work with, what I do, when I do and where I live. I also know nothing is in my control and Pale Blue Dot and all, and this plane I am on can drop from the sky (it did not), and all my gyaan will have no consequence. Except that I would have seen one of the most gorgeous sunrises on the right hand side. Gorgeous enough for me to die with a smile on my face.
Oh, and I am ok to limit my wants.
Here’s an example. I want to live in a certain building in a certain part of Mumbai. I know I can’t afford the rent of that place, let alone owning it. So, instead of me getting mindfucked about it, I choose to use that as an inspiration. I look at it each day (I make sure I see it everyday) and I resolve to work harder. And no, I don’t spoil my day-to-day work (my attention) by craving for it, but I use that as a goal that I want to get to someday. If you think I’ve given up, no I haven’t. I remain one of the most ambitious people I know, but I also am more aware that I need to enjoy this journey and give all my being to it.
Now, after the meandering, here are my ACTUAL thoughts. These are not in any order.
1/ Avoid vanity like the plague.
This is the number 1 shift that folks need to make when they transition from 20s to 30s.
Most folks I know are stuck in the vanity trap. I want you to get out of it. Na samman ka moh, na apman ka bhey. Go do Vipassana. Go read Aurelius. Meditations is a good place to start. Go practice detachment. Do whatever, but do not do it in the chase of getting recognition, rewards and all that. Do not work for the spotlight. Do not chase famous people. In fact, do not work to be famous. Do work that delivers value and if that makes you famous, enjoy the fame.
No, this does not mean you don’t let the world acknowledge your work. In fact, it’s amazing to get rewards and it’s great to see your loved ones see your success. It’s also amazing to see greater access when you are famous. Truth be told, fame has its own advantages.
But don’t make it the only metric. Let that be the by-product of your work.
2/ Ready. Fire. Aim.
Take action.
Thinking is good.
Processing is better.
But taking action is best.
One of my closest people defers all actions till they’ve internalised information, read thru opinion and thought thru things. In my opinion, by the time they take action, it’s often too late. But their deferring of action probably serves them well. However, I believe in action.
Get these three words tattooed on your forehead – Life rewards action.
So that you can see it everyday. And others can too. And no, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Thing is, you didn’t come here cos someone was “thinking” about getting married or someone was “reading” about how to have babies or someone was “waiting” for the perfect partner. You came here cos your parents took action.
This laptop that I am writing on was created cos thousands of engineers took action.
This flight was comfortable because many people took action.
This post is happening cos I am taking action.
The prompt for this post came in cos a young lady took action.
What action would you take?
3/ Stop with activism. Start with creation.
No, standing for nature and human rights is not bad.
But you are standing. Not creating.
No, sharing social media posts about the atrocities of rulers is not a bad thing.
But that’s sharing. Not creating.
No, participating in boycotts is not a bad thing.
Wait, it’s actually bad.
Ignore this.
So, us humans are designed to create.
If you create, you are engaged.
If you are engaged, your passionate fire rages from inside out, and lights up the world around you.
And that light, that gift is all we have!
Oh and I read somewhere that we find meaning in creation. Think of the most fulfilled and most engaged people (I dont believe in happiness) and you would see that they are obsessed with creating or with their creation. A parent who dotes on their child, a filmmaker who cant stop talking about their film, a teacher who’s meaning comes from creating younger minds.
My meaning comes from sharing what I know and seeing others use it. I am a gardener who’s meaning is from tending to the garden and not from the wait of the fruits of the trees.
And while you are on creation, two things…
3.1/ Be less cynical.
Enough said.
3.2/ Stop hating capitalists.
I’ve seen a lot of folks in their late 20s and early 30s hate capitalists. I don’t know too much about capitalists but like most things, most people of any type are bad. But some are some good. You need to pick the good ones, lessons from them and then move on.
4/ Grass is greener where you water it.
You can choose to live slow.
But then stay slow.
You can choose to live fast.
But then don’t crave for slow.
Balance is a myth.
It’s a capitalist’s and a politician’s scam to keep you on the treadmill. You can’t have the cake and eat it.
Pick one side and stay there.
Now that you are in your 30s, you better pick a side. And take action.
In my case, I love both the sunrise and the sunset. But I cant have both. One will require me to wake up early and the other will require me to stay up till late. I had to make a choice. I made one.
Another one. I want to live in the epicenters of action. And yet I want to live in the mountains. I know I have to choose one. So, instead of craving for the magnanimity of the mountains, I have made peace with living in a concrete jungle.
One more. I want to do things that impact billions of lives. What I do today impacts handful of people. And God knows that I want to work on things that impact large things. And despite that I dont beat myself over the gap between where I want to be and where I am.
Here’s a quesiton. What is your patch of grass that needs to be watered to make greener?
5/ Zubaan Ki Keemat.
You need to work hard to have a zubaan that has some keemat.
Rajesh Sir, one of my many gurus, is so punctual that I question the watch if he’s not on time. I’ve tried to learn this from him and each action I take, I try to do it in a way that it establishes that I am a reliable person who’s words carry weight.
If I’ve said something, that would happen, come hell or highwater.
Of course I am not perfect. I am often inconsistent. But I am aware of this and I am working on it. Also, if I am inconsistent, I am with myself. When I am with others, I do whatever I can to be consistent.
For example, if I tell someone that I am meeting them at 6, I ensure that am there at 6 but I’ve told myself that I will do 10 pushups and I dont do those.
Make a list of all times when you were inconsistent and then see how it impacts your reputation and reliability and social currency and gravitas. And you would have the answer.
6/ Reputation
Your reputation should be built from the time you hit your 18. Or 21. Or when you pass out of college. Sooner you start, the better. If you havent worked on this deliberatey, it’s time to start now. Your 30s are an even more important time to build a reputation.
In fact, all we have is our reputation.
In your 30s, you can no longer appear to be a fickle person. You can’t be vibing thru your 30s. You will be entrusted with large things. In fact, you must WANT to be entrusted with larger things. You’ve worked hard in your 20s to build a life and a skill. This is the time you want to apply and scale and create impact.
And often these opportuniies are gatekept behind the heavy, closed doors fortified by the strongest locks that have only one key – your reputation. In fact, you walk into a room decades after your reputation has made itself comfortable in it.
Work on that.
7/ Health
If I could change one thing about how I’ve lived thru my 20s and 30s, I would work hard to be healthier.
Ironic that I am in the worst shape of my life and I know that the road is a tough one from here on and yet I refuse to do anything about it.
Wait. Lemme go do 5 pushups and come back.
Back.
Could do only 4
So, I want each person who’s transitioning from their 20s to 30s to focus on their health. In fact, if you can, make health your biggest spends (not clothes, not fashion, not eating out, but health). I have started to. I recently made the most expensive purchase of my life – a membership at Foxo. I can see myself making more spends in the similar space. In fact, my work will probably index highly on health. I am encouraging all my friends and family to make more investments on health.
PS: Super inspired by Vivek who ensures that he’s physically active all the time.
8/ Place faith in people
People create magic
You are people
You create.
You have magic.
And while you do, work with others to do so.
Find a few young folks that you can mentor.
While you do that, learn from their exuberance and experimentation. And try to create things with them.
Find a few older folks that you can submit to.
On submission, see this tweet by Tushar Sir.
While you submit, try to see why they do what they do. Learn from their experience and stories.
I’ve had a engaging time here only because I was lucky to be surrounded by people 20 years younger and 20 years older. See SoG.
Ok that.
Phew.
This is it for the time being.
In case you have a thought, please let me know 🙂
Annexure A
I’ve seen way too many people fall by the side when they get into a romantic / sexual relationship. While it’s an important part of growing up, in your 30s, life stakes are higher and you better not be trapped by just carnal pleasures.
If you have to, make your partner your strength.
Annexure B
Here’s my biased take – if you do NOT live in some hub of sorts (Mumbai, Bangalore etc) and still believe in remote work propaganda, you need to accept that you will be left behind.
Having said that, C4E is fully remote, and folks live at places like Nasik and Goa. But the folks who live at these places have accepted that they want to take it easy, and that’s a choice. You need to know what choice to make.
On where to live, do read this piece by Paul Graham – Cities and Ambition
Annexure C: Additional Reads
I will keep updating this as and when I think of more things.
- Man’s Search For Meaning
- Shawshank Redemption
Lemme know what you think. Share this with whoever you think can find value. All the best!