Month: August 2024

27 Aug 2024 – Morning Pages

I’ll start with a Silicon Valley cliche. There are decades when nothing happens and there are weeks where decades happen. 

Yesterday was a day when I think decades happened to me. And I probably aged by a decade. Apart from my echoChamber, I want to capture it on a public forum as well.

Here we go.

Oh, before I talk in detail and get into specifics, play this and let it play in the background as you read this.

Eddie – Guaranteed

Ok, now that you have the baritone of Eddie talking about how you ought to live life, I can talk.

I will talk about 5 things.

A/ Feedback from a senior agency person

Met a senior person from the agency business. I told him about my plans to take C4E in the big league and start pitching for projects at the intersection of modern marketing, digital, strategy and others. And compete with the likes of Ogilvy and others.

He snubbed me.

He told me and C that what we do is crap and he has no confidence in us being able to deliver large things. 

Which is ok.
May be fair.
But then on deeper introspection, I realised that maybe, just maybe he doesn’t understand what am trying to build. Lemme try to articulate again.

I want to build the world’s largest, richest, most impactful business. I want to play at scale. I want to move humanity and make us thrive, live better and all that. I want the workplace to be respectful, kind, hardworking, aciton-first and more. But…

But…

But I dont want to do this on the back of broken souls. I dont want to tramp over others. I dont want to make it toxic.

Now, when I hear things like, “make 200 calls, get 50 meetings, and convert 10 businesses”, I think, it’s a piece of fabulous advice for folks who want to use people as replaceable objects. But not me. I want to give a safe, kind space to everyone to find their bliss and get paid well while they do that. In such a business, we need people to be self-motivated, high-agency and respectful towards work. After all, for most of us who are not artists, we have to find meaning in what we do.

The thing is, if we are lucky, we’d have something to lean on that fills our soul. Some people find it in art. Some in sports. Some in code. Some like me, in business. Some dont find it at all. And it is in those cases that you have to latch onto something and make it yours.

When I see a younger colleague getting disrespected by saying “without disrespecting your age or experience”, I dont want to run that in the first place. If you have to add a disclaimer before you speak, it’s better to not speak.

When I am told that my work won’t cut it, I want to hear more. But about how I can make it better, not a rant on how it’s bad. I want to be pointed at flaws and not be told that we can’t do it.

So that.

Ok. Over this one. 4 more to go.

B/ I let go of one more person from my life.

I have this friend. Her father says a brilliant thing – he says, “is insaan ka panna faad diya“.

Lemme try and explain. Imagine our life is a notebook. Each person in our life is a page. And you can add as many pages in that notebook (once you meet new people). And then the page can extend to any length (depending on your relationship with them). And like any well-used journal or notepad, it can extend in all directions.

However, once you sort of break your relationship with someone (say, someone moves away from your life, someone does something uncool etc etc) you tear their page from your notebook. And then that’s that. You stop bothering about them. They become a stranger. You operate from a place of indifference. You are kind to the world, you are kind to them. You wish them success but you shall not partake in that. If they need help, you are not proactive. You let them come to you. So on and so forth.

He of course has a far deeper reason and philosophy. What I wrote is mine.

And yesterday, I tore one more page off my book. I wish the individual all the luck. I continue to love but I am no longer invested.

So that.

Oh, before you move forward, you may want to see this tweet.

C/ “15 lakh karte ho, 3 gaya, 12 bacha, 4 ek aur hai, 8 bacha. Band kar do“

Last evening, I was talking to a very close friend. The kind whose words mean the world to me.

While talking about something, C4E came up and I told him that I’ve lost a client. He said, “15 lakh karte ho, 3 gaya, 12 bacha, 4 ek aur client hai jo kabhi bhi chala jaaega, 8 bacha. Band kar do“

And it hurt.
Like a bitch.
It was probably meant to hurt.
It didn’t hurt this bad when the love of my life walked out of my life.

I think this made me realise that am probably very emotional about my work and this thing that I’ve created.

I was so fucked in the head that I couldn’t sleep well because of this. Kept thinking, tossing and turning in the bed. But then Whoop tells me I had 53% recovery with about 6 hours of sleep. I know that it was not good at all. Makes me even question the efficacy of a Whoop. And as a professional sleeper, both these things (not being able to sleep well and Whoop being unable to catch my sleep) are not cool.

Coming back.

So, it hurt. And I can either let it continue to hurt me. Or I can fix it. And no points for guessing what I would do. And I need help. Hands and heads. Lend me? And point me to others who I can take help from?

And to start with, I will shut everything that distracts me and I will work hard on taking C4E to an unbreakable place.

D/ Case of online bullying

Someone close to me was bullied online. And since this person was close to me and it was unprovoked bullying, I was angry. As fuck. If the bully were around me when I got to know about it, I would have probably caused hurt.

But am glad the dude lives in Noida.

In a mad rush of blood to my brain, I decided to seek retribution. To be honest, this is not like me. I dont do things like that on impulse. I think and act.

But, I wrote to the CEO of the company he works with (to make the company aware of the kind of people they’ve hired) and the college the bully went to (to check on his records and hopefully get some action). Made a LinkedIn post. Sent DMs. Considered filing a cyber crime case (but the portal was too complicated to have my complaint go thru and I did not try again).

But then I realised, an eye for an eye will make the world blind.

And thanks to Jagdish’s Bruno, I realised that anger is not the place to operate from (but bravery is). And I anyway know that empathy is a good place to be at.

Probably the boy is troubled. So I have decided to let the person go with a stern warning. Hope it fixes him. I will deliver that today. And I will of course close the loop with all the people that I wrote to.

E/ Hurt by someone close

This is the last one from this long rant.

I love a lot of people. To the point that it’s tough to manage egos and all that of all those people. I really go out of the way to make them comfortable, liked, respected, taken care of etc etc. To the best of my ability. Often at the cost of hurting myself. And with little expectation. You know, like Danveer Karna.

I just think there’s so much fuckery in the world. If I could be that island of sanity in their lives, why not?

And despite all these attempts to make someone feel good about life and all, I probably am unable to do enough to keep them engaged and happy.

So that.

Ok am done writing.
Like I said, I aged 10 years in one day.
And I am taking my lessons away.

In the end, so much of what I do, and how I do is about people. And then like life has taught me, EVERYone leaves. See this tweet. It makes me wonder if I were a fool to have taken this path.

I have seen friends, partners, colleagues, and even lovers leave me. And I may not admit it too many times but it sucks to be walking alone and sleep on an empty bed and not having anyone to look after you when you fall. Like I said, I give more than I can and often at great consequence to self. And yet people go. Leave me alone. And I am left wondering where did I go wrong.

Anyhow.

Wait.

Oh, I know there’s their side of the story as well and I know they had reasons for moving on. So I can’t blame them. Just that since everyone moves on en masse, there must be something wrong that am on to. And that’s what I need to discover and find. If you know me, help me. Point out flaws in my thinking.

Chalo, over an out.
From a decade older SG 😀

16 Aug 2024 – Morning Pages

Morning.
I will change this a bit.
I will list things that I want to talk about and then talk about those. Let’s go.

List:

  • Sleep – Professional Sleeper
  • Scotland Yard / LIFE
  • Doing things from AC offices

Now, details.

1/ Sleep

I’ve been trying to lose weight and I understood that a large component of that is sleep and calorie deficit. While I may not be able to do much on the calorie deficit part (I love eating and I do love the taste of processed foods and I hate working out and I dont like dance etc), I can do a lot with my sleep.

In the past I used to think that sleep is for weak and why can’t I not sleep or sleep less (afterall 8 hours is way large a proportion of your day). I have tried with polyphasic sleep, Red Bull etc etc but more I read, more I realise that I need to sleep better if I want a better life.

I’ve been trying a few things in the last month (Keto, IF, consistent bed times, no to travel etc) but I think I will experiment a little more in the next few days. Inspired by this thread by Bryan Johnson, here’s a list of changes I will make.

First, I will shift my identity to that of a professional sleeper. You know, how athletes have an identity as athletes and that means that they need to do whatever it takes to be in their peak?

That!

Other changes I will make include…

  1. Tracker – I already have a Whoop.
  2. Mattress – I think I have a good one. Bought one for a lot of money a few months ago. At some point in time I want to get an 8Sleep or equivalent. Let’s see when.
  3. I like my AC at 22 so that’s cool.
  4. I will add warm showers before bed. Maybe warm showers will be my wind down ritual.
  5. Time – I hereby declare that my sleep time is 10 PM. Unless it is life or death, I will not stay up later than 10. I will not take flights in my sleep window unless there are no other options
  6. Eat all I want to by 12 noon
  7. Last coffee before 12 noon
  8. I dont consume alcohol anyway. So that’s cool.
  9. Red Lamp to help sleep (aka regulating evening light)
  10. Flux. Installed. I dont like it. But installed it nonetheless.
  11. 10000 Lux Lamp to get up (aka morning light)
  12. I know I must get Blue light-blocking glasses but I will not get those.
  13. Bedroom will become a sacrosanct space that will only be used for sleep.
  14. My bedroom faces the road and there’s 24-hour traffic. So I can’t really make it a quiet room. I will see if I want to get a noise machine to help matters.

So that.

As of today, per my data on Whoop, my sleep performance is about 64% (the current period is about 72% and I peaked at 75 last month). Let’s see where I am in the next few days.

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2/ Scotland Yard / LIFE

I dont have a lot of memories from the time I was a kid. However, there are times when I see things, I remember things.

PS: As I wrote this, I remember two distinct events – one – I was crying on the terrace of my school after I lost a quiz and second I was crying in the corridor after I forgot the speech I had to make. I dont know why these two come to mind. Mind, afterall, has its way.

Yesterday, I was with a friend and we were at a Hamley’s to shop for her niece. While browsing around, I spotted Scotland Yard and LIFE. I also saw that catch a fish game. All these three are the games that I remember playing as a child. So much so that I was tempted to buy these games and get them back. But I did not. I will come back to it.

The point is, I did not know that I would have such a strong association with these two board games! I could vaguely remember being sad when one of the pegs in the LIFE broke. I remember playing Scotland Yard but not being good with it.

Ok, I dont have much to write about these two. I thought I would have.

Coming to what I had parked, I wanted to buy those games and hoard them at my place but I decided against it. I told myself that I would get those games cos I could never have enough of them while growing up and now they need to have a permanent place in my life. I even picked the box to take to the cash counter. But something came over me and I decided against that.

So I did well there. I dont want to be a hoarder because I did not have things while growing up. I want to use my money and space to have things that make my life better. I do not want to give in to emotional impulses.

3/ Doing things from AC offices

I wrote this in my Roam too.

For work, we were shooting a tiny thing for a client yesterday. And while we were doing that, I realised that I like to sit in an office and work. I dont want to be a part of what happens on the ground. I love the idea of making films but I am not willing to be on the set. I love the idea of running events but I dont want to see the setups or dismantles. I love the idea of running a restaurant but I dont want to see the kitchen. You get the drift.

Why?

Well cos on the ground, things take forever and that’s not cool!

Plus, yesterday was a tiring day. The previous night I hadn’t slept. I ate a lot. Keto went for a toss. Calorie deficit went for a talk. Was in the sun a lot. Travelled a lot. Took the train as well. And realised that age is catching up. Fast. Unless I do something about it. Something like better sleep!

So, two plus two, I like the idea of AC offices.

And with that, we are to the end of this post. Let’s see when I write next.

9 Aug 2024 – Morning Pages

A lot has happened since I last wrote these morning pages.

And thus, I think have a lot to talk about.

Let’s see how much of this lot converts into text once I start typing. It’s 9 AM and I have time till 10.

1/ Event at Goa

I managed an event in Goa over the last few days.

Each time I do an event, I realise how much I love this business of events. It offers everything I seek – people, money, instant gratification, showmanship, dopamine rush, adrenaline rush, travel, living in the moment, sprint (not marathon) and more.

I wish I could do more of these. In fact, each time I do an event, I wonder why I dont do more of those.

Sigh!

2/ Apatradaanam

I met someone over the weekend in Goa and he talked about Apaatradanam. Read it as a-paatra-daanam.

Handwriting of Shreya.

Loosely translated, this means, “charity directed at people that don’t deserve”.

Now, if you know me, you would know of my ideas of paying it forward. And that too without any expectation of returns or payback. And I’ve done this even when I was unable to even run my home.

Lately, however, I’ve started to think a lot about how I want to spend my time and energy. And this concept of Apaatradanam makes a lot of sense. I’d love to support folks that are deserving!

Now, this deserving is a subjective thing. And the only judge / jury of the deservingness of these people is, well, me. And I dont think this is fair. I will eventually find a way to make it fair. Any ideas anyone?

Oh, and I hereby declare that I will not give to places, folks, causes and other things that dont deserve. If you see me giving to those, please point out and stop me.

PS: In case you’d like to subscribe to this blog 🙂

3/ Amex Plat Charge

The want for this card has been as high as the want for Birkins. And since I was a kid. I’ve looked at it wistfully each time I see someone else sporting it. Each time I passed by an Amex lounge, I longed for it. I knew that at 60K a year, this was probably the most expensive thing I could get. I know if I ever get it, it would be vanity and nothing else. I would laugh at people who have this card (and other such signs of vanity).

And yet, I got it!

This is one of the most foolish decisions I’ve made in my entire life. And I am ok with it. The happiness lasted all of 1 microsecond (when I held it for the first time) and since then, I’ve started to sort of hate it? I mean not hate it but I have this buyer’s remorse.

But then, I was reminded of these lines about shauq. And this is a rare thing I’ve done for shauq.

Also, while I was thinking about this, I was reminded of all the bucket lists, wish lists and all those that I had made when I was younger.

I think I need to bring those back. Meanwhile, here is one for your viewing pleasure 😀

Ofc, there are times when I think that at my age, I should be thinking of pooja-paathh and not finding outlets for my shauqs. But then, am human :D. Oh and in case you want a card for yourself, use this link 😀

4/ C4E and Friends

PS: I wrote this bit with the help of Flow.
PPS: Published a slightly edited version of this on LinkedIn. Read at https://www.linkedin.com/feed/update/urn:li:activity:7227556269274914817/

I am a very, very big believer in expanding my network. And I do that by building a lot of loose connections. And with those loose connections, I hope that at some point in time, those connections actually become a little more warm and a little more close. And then those warm and close connections help me get work for me and my team. Essentially, I try to be present everywhere on the internet. To the point that I once asked an intern to put me on various WhatsApp groups. I am digressing.

Coming back.

The other I was thinking, what if I create a group called C4E and friends and add people who are well-wishers of C4E there?

These “friends” are people that give me work. These are the people that give me ideas. These are the people that show me the path when I’m lost. And these are the people that I can hang out with when I have no one else to. Think village, but a larger one.

What if I can build a community of people who are supporting C4E in its mission of being a world-changing org? And like with most things, I started by making a WhatsApp group (and not by booking a domain this time around).

I have floated the idea and the group link around in the last few days. I’ve had mixed response. Not many like the idea. In fact, not a lot of folks from my own village like it. And no, I have not yet opened it up. But the more I think about it, the more I am warming to the idea of doing it. Maybe I will action it today.

Eventually, the idea is to make this group a safe space where everybody will be connected to each other. There’ll be a directory that would have details on work, city, interests etc. Think of a professional networking opportunity, brought to you by C4E. On this group, each person would propel each other up.

So that!

What do you think?

Would you join?

5/ Accountability and Responsibility

The other day I read something about accountability and responsibility and I realised that I am accountable at best (and not responsible) and in case I need to get ahead in life, I need to be responsible!

Here’s the original piece…

I am not sure of the source. In case you find it, please lemme know.

The thing is, I need to work hard to be responsible!

So this is it.
For the day.
Let’s see when I write next.