Month: February 2021

280221 – Morning Pages

A longish post about thoughts on a car, events, friends, relationships and alcohol. Read on.

8:04 AM.

Hello, World! I have a lot to say. I hope I get the words. Though I am tired (physically) and exhausted (mentally), I want to try and pour things that are clouding my head. Most of these would be recurring themes and ideas – this text would be an exercise in finding arguments for and against that narrative. I have often done these brain dumps in the past to let the load off my head and they’ve been helpful. What comes out is more of a blog than anything else, but it is immensely helpful!

Here we go. As always, in no order.

A. I couldn’t publish morning pages yesterday. I knew I wouldn’t be able to. I had a lot happening. But I knew that I could easily write a couple of paras and upload those. But then I couldn’t even do that. I mean I wrote a para and I thought I had published but I realized late last night that I did not hit the publish button. The streak of I don’t know how many days (well over 60 easily) was broken 🙁 Damn!

B. At Spotlight, the monthly start-up pitch event at The Podium, for the Feb edition, we hosted Roshan Abbas to give feedback to some start-ups. This was the second in the series of such events and the interactions have been so so good. Listening to a brain like Roshan Sir give inputs on startups from relationships, ed-tech was such a learning experience. He said a lot of things that I intuitively knew were right. And he said a lot of things that I think I don’t agree with. Irrespective, I think it was time spent well. Need to somehow scale it and take it to bigger scale.

More than just advice, he was VERY very candid and offered these startups introductions to other angels, HNIs and even people who could work with these startups! This in itself is worth the time spent!

I also must mention that at some level, Roshan Sir is the next step in evolution for me. I mean he is from a communication, events, and marketing background. He has set up multiple companies and has run those parallelly. He has had an exit. He is an angel investor and enabling people to do more with access to capital and connections. He continues to work harder than most of his peers and continues to push himself. Sounds EXACTLY like how I want to live my life! Reminds me of that Kabir couplet…

Sai itna dijiye, jaame kutumb samaay,

main bhookha naa rahoon, sadhu na bhookha jaaye

By Kabir

So that.

C. Event. Last two days, I helped a friend manage a wedding event in Goa. While weddings is new to me and I have only done a handful of these, I realized, I love being on the ground lot more than making presentations. I mean given an option, I would be on the ground, in shorts and tees rather than being in a boardroom with a jacket on.

Since this was one of those events where I was detached from, a few things struck me as an epiphany. Lemme try and talk about those.

1/ This was an intimate wedding with just a handful of guests in the audience, each a friend or family. I loved the joy on their faces and general happiness all around. For once I felt human and I thought maybe a wedding is worth an ordeal only to make your family happy. The other thing is the realization that I’ve never had and will probably never have a group of close-knit friends that I saw yesterday. I’ve always been an outcast, dark-horse, odd-one out. The one that is ignored conveniently and forgotten easily. Even in the romantic relationships I’ve had, I’ve not been the person that got attention. Which is ok. Just that when I see such gangs, I pine for my own. And I don’t know how to fix this. I have done almost everything it takes to be able to make friends but I dont seem to have any left.

Of course I do have people that I can lean on. And have leaned on when the going was tough. It still is. And I continue to lean. But I feel most of my friendship and interactions are transaction-based. More on this some other time.

This tweet by Ajeet Sir caught my eye and I realised that maybe lockdown has made me a tad more detached from people!

No, I dont know how to fix it.

Do I want to fix it? Yes! I would love to have people that care for me as an individual and not as a designation. I need people to empathize with what I am going thru and not just label me as someone that doesn’t return calls. I need to feel loved and not left out of conversations and not taken for granted.

And yes, these expectations are not unfounded. I believe in long-term thinking and reciprocity. I do all these for my people. And in exchange, I don’t expect them to go out of their way to accommodate me. Just a simple, respectful, non-judgemental conversation would do. But I hardly get even that.

And yet…

I think I should title this post ‘rant about unrequited love and friendship of a lonely 38-year old man’.

2/ The entire events industry runs on a very simple sub-contracting model. The end-user of service hires a professional. The professional contracts things to multiple partners, each a specialist into certain trade. The partners further sub-contract it to the service providers. These service providers then use temp staff to get things done. More often than not, the dreams of the client are fulfilled by people that they don’t even know exist. Imagine a mason making a five-star hotel and that very mason being denied entry into the hotel. Imagine a carpenter making the grandest facade for your wedding and he is stopped from even taking a picture of what he created.

From a dream that the client has conjured in their head to the execution that happens on the ground, there’s this well-defined food-chain. And at each step, the respect that that person gets and the money that person makes goes down. To give you perspective, if you are spending 10,000 bucks on an event, the guy who actually puts the flower on the wedding mandap gets paid 10 paisas. Paisa. Not Rupees. From a kitty of 10000 bucks. Of course, there are multiple layers, and the value added at each layer is immense but the guy at the bottom gets paid shit. And worse, gets treated like shit. That level of people are so degraded that they themselves stop believing that they deserve more. If not more, then respect.

The sad part is that the entire industry operates like that. Lower you are on the value chain, worse you are treated. Even by the ones that are just a notch above you.

When you do events and meet people who come from as far as Bihar and Assam and more to work on events in Goa and are paid minimum wages and are treated like shit, your heart goes out and you question things. Of course, you can question all you want to, the answers are non-existent.

3/ Oh, this was one of those rare events where I did not have Diet Coke or Red Bull or even Coffee. What am I becoming?

D. Now that I am talking of vices, lemme talk of alcohol. Yesterday, I saw yet again how alcohol fucks your capability to think. It, of course, makes you lose your inhibitions and makes you do things that un-do-s all that you have worked for. I mean imagine a full-grown man making a fool of himself, in the middle of a party, just because he is drunk!

What’s the point of such “losing inhibition” and “letting your hair down”? I have always struggled to find an answer to this question. To a point that I have sort of given up. I just know that making a fool out of myself, because I am drunk is not for me. I am happy to be a fool in the way I think, the way I operate, the way I work etc. Those foolhardy things allow me to go beyond what I am doing right now. They help me grow as a person. They polish me, you know.

But being unable to walk, puking all over yourself and then “blaming” it on alcohol is not my thing.

I know, I know. I am being super judgemental here. I mean it’s their life and they can do whatever they want to. I get that. I also get that some people may want to feel free. I know that most people do not operate in their natural state on a day-to-day basis and this casual alcoholism helps them find an escape. But then the escape has to be a thing that makes you better. You know, how about you hit a gym if you want to feel the change? Write something? If you want a communal experience, how about you go dance? Join a volunteering organization? I hope you get the drift.

Anyhow. So after the incident last night, I promise that I will not have alcohol ever again. Even if its a very very special occasion. I am trying to stay away from coffee and coke. I shall stick to lime water and coconut water and other such things. Just need to figure out what I would have at a Starbucks ;P

E. For the last couple of days, I rented a car to get around Goa. I had to. You cant manage an event and not have a car that doubles up as your shelter when you are tired, your dumping ground when you have to lug things, your companion where you pile your anguish out. And since this was one of the most unorganized events that I’ve been a part of, I was running around a lot. I would have spent a large part of the day in the car yesterday.

But then, that’s not the point.

The point is a car. I realized my love for cars and roads and navigating and driving and seeing new places. I have to have to have to get one. I have had this dream that the first car I buy would be a Merc. I know I am very far from that with what’s happening at work. But I will make things happen and get to a car this year. #note2self #lifeGoal.

F. Fitness. Lol. I start smiling every time I use this F word. I mean really. Fitness. Lol. I have this note that I wrote to myself in 2012 (almost 10 years ago) where I promised that I will be 30″ by end of that year. I am nowhere close. I want to climb Mt. Everest. And I have a hard time walking 12 steps.

Sigh.

Ok, by mistake I linked to this video from Men of Honor. I am going down that Rabbit Hole where I want to make movies and inspire others. Wait. One thing is clear. Each action I take has to leave others inspired. The realization that Silver lining 😀

Ok, that’s it for the day, I think. Good to have poured out.

Nothing on #book2. Will start soon.

270221 – Morning Pages

Ladies and gents, there is no morning pages today. Managing an event and thus no time to write in the morning. If I get time during the day, I will edit the post. I know this does not count as a morning page but I wanted to keep the streak going.

I really wanted to talk about rejection. I got two of those this week. Both from the world of filmmaking. So that.

That’s it. Nothing more. I know this doesn’t count as a morning pages post but for whatever it’s worth, this is it.

PS: Wrote this on the phone on 27th and published on 28th.

260221 – Morning Pages

I talk about two interesting things. 1, Goa and home. 2, optionality. Read on.

8:22. The balcony at Rajesh Sir’s house, Goa. Back here after 15 odd days.

A funny thing happened yesterday. When I came here after a month, for some reason, it felt like homecoming. I am not kidding. I am not the one to get attached to places etc but this time, the house felt like home. Maybe because I was here at a time when a lot was happening in my life and I did not know what to do. A lot is still happening but this place was my solace in the toughest time. I am so grateful that I have him in my life.

Moving on.

I need to take a big decision about what I want to do in life. I have a couple of options where I can exchange my time for money, make ends meet and get back to some sort of stability. While all these things sound great on paper, I know that in the long-run for a 38-year old like me, these things don’t add up. Plus, salary is addictive.

One of the things I am thinking about while making this decision is Naval’s riff on optionality. He operates in a way that allows him to maximize optionality. As a salaried person, the odds of you increasing optionality go down. Unless you are like Rajan Anandam where you, by design, need to interact with people from diverse backgrounds and those backgrounds help you do more.

When choosing things for myself, I need to work towards creating optionality. Now, what creates optionality? Well, things that allow you to do more than what your job entails. If you are a doctor, there are fairly limited things that you can do. I mean you can treat people and heal them and all that but that’s that. Unless you are an exception that can, may be, write. Of course, as a doctor, you’d have a good life but that’s that. If you are a coder, on the other hand, you can create a thing like Bitcoin that allows you to live a life independent of your practice. Similarly, if you are a senior executive with some pharma company, you are limited to doing what your JD entails. If the company were to shut down, where would you go? Of course, if you are paid a bomb, you can invest tiny parts into businesses that have the potential of growing into larger ones. That creates optionality. In fact, subconsciously, I have lived all my life in a way that I have an option open in terms of what I want to do.

So that.

What else. Yeah. Fitness. Last few days I have been feeling unwell. I don’t know whats causing this but I need to fix it. Maybe its the food. I think I need to get either a balanced meal from someplace. Or get a kitchen. Either way, I need to fix it. Want to add workouts but I dont think I will ever be able to. I know Everest will require me to be fit and all. But I think till I figure out other things, fitness will probably take a backseat.

Guess this is it for the day. This context switching is not for me. I don’t know how other digital nomads do this. Need to learn.

With this, over and out. See you guys on the other side. Now that I am back in Goa, hope things will move better. And no, no #book2. Will start that once I settle in.

PS: Funny how narratives on these morning posts have changed from meaning of life to survival. Guess that’s life!

250221 – Morning Pages

Finally a post where I pour my heart out. This has become more of a blog than morning pages. But that’s cool. Read on…

7 AM. I am writing this on a train. And in patches. The intention is to publish this once I land in Goa. Because I cant rely on the Internet in train. Train. Lol. You know, how you don’t learn from your mistakes? That! The last time I traveled by train (Goa to Mumbai), I decided that I will not travel again on a train. But here I am. 

Sigh. 

So I am stuck in this metal box for the next few hours. And knowing the internet situation, I think I will remain offline. Luckily, I could tether onto patchy internet to be able to write this.

Since there is no one to bother me and no deadlines to catch, I can write at peace. And may be with some depth.

Lemme see what all needs to be talked about. Here we go.

Mumbai vs Goa
I am still on the fence about where I want to be.

The trip to Mumbai has been rejuvenating and I love the idea of meeting people face to face. There’s something about a handshake that a Zoom call can’t replicate. The conversations are deeper, the thoughts clearer, the focus unwavering! This trip, I met some people that I haven’t met in a while and the conversations and ideas that flowed in these meetings were, for want of a better word, fascinating! Oh, I crave for such chats and I missed these!

The other thing that I realised while I was in Mumbai is that the power of ecosystems is irrefutable. I bumped into a few people that I would have never met on a Zoom call or a twitter timeline. I got into a few open-ended conversations that may create opportunities. Some ideas were thrown around that allowed me to think more that what I thought was capable. I think, if not for places like Bangalore, Mumbai or Silicon Valley, we would not have any of the great content (films, TV shows) that we watch to kill time!

Most progress happened because people could collaborate with each other and come up with new things. This collaboration may not have happened if we were not in the same place.

On the other hand, Goa offers me a fresh start with whatever skills I have. I get to make new friends, learn new things, experience new challenges. The time I spent at Goa has given me some understanding of what to expect if I live here. What to expect? Intermittent connectivity, laidback attitude, incredibly warm people, eclectic bunch that is very creative and of course, in general, a better life. The challenge is that there’s no work here. So that’s that.

Work has started to pick up. I have a couple of gigs that I am working on. Both, thankfully, can happen from anywhere we have Internet. So that’s cool.

I also have a couple of opportunities to work as a full-time employee with a couple of startups. I have been thinking about those. On one side, there is a stable month-on-month paycheck. On the other is lack of freedom to do all the things that excite me. To me, this freedom is FAR more important than the money coming in. But then like I am told, money allows me to move things and I like movement as much as I like my freedom. You see my conundrum? Damn I dont want to settle!

WIP vs Settled.
Yesterday I met Anuabhb for drinks (believe it or not) and he told me that I need to change my mindset from “wip” to “settled”.

Lemme define these.

WIP is when you are trying to figure out where you want to be and what you want to do. Settled is when you know where you are headed and how you are going about things. While I know where I want to be, the path I will take to reach there is not clear to me. And while technically I am settled, I am still WIP.

At the time, it sounded convincing and I agreed. But the more I think, the more I realize that settling is not for me. Sorry, Anubhab! More on this on our chats.

Personal Board
The other thing we talked about was a personal board. This is very similar to the Mastermind group that I’ve often talked about and failed at. I will action this March onward.

I will do this at two levels.

a. I will make a group with a few like-minded people (like-minded is growth oriented, trying to grow and do more) where we would hold each other accountable and help each other grow. I am not sure how this would pan out and how many people may want to share things openly. But Anubhab has volunteered to help me kickstart by being a part of it. So, there’s two for sure.

b. I will form a personal board. I have thought often about this and I think its time to put this in action. I mean I do have some people that I use as board but I haven’t formally put that in action. Plus, whatever little I have in life, most of it has come to me because of these mentors.

Right now, to engage these mentors and seniors, I send them an occasional email where I send updates about what I am doing. I think in the next update I send to these, I will ask if any of them wants to be on my public personal board.

Public – I will make their names public. And I will make a WA group (or Telegram or Signal or something) so that I could engage with them deeper.

Let’s see where it goes.

Happy Birthday, Steve
Yesterday was Steve Jobs’ birthday. Steve has been a hero for a long long time. I really really wish I could’ve met him. No. I won’t know what to do if I did meet him but it would have been cool.

And yes, I dont really worship heros no more but Steve is Steve!

With that, this is the wrap-up for the day. Not really morning pages per se. But a post nonetheless. Over and out. See you guys tomorrow.

Wasn’t able to put my thoughts in a coherent manner with all the throwing around in the train. May be tomorrow.

240221 – Morning Pages

Quick, dirty (and hopefully complete) post for the day. Read more to know who I hope it will be complete.

9:30 AM

This is not the first thing I am doing. This is not even the second thing. I am some 10 KMs away from where I live. I’ve just finished a meeting and gearing up for another. Fuck time is such a precious commodity! I need to end this by 10 AM, irrespective of how I am doing. Even if it’s mid-sentence, I will hit publish.

So morning pages. Lot to talk. No time. Will make bullet points. Let’s see how it goes. And how many I can capture.

Yesterday

  1. Fairly ok. Sleepless. Don’t know why. Could be coffee. Could be stress. Don’t know. Will figure it out with some experimentation.
  2. Did not goto a Starbucks yesterday. This is the first time since I came back to Mumbai that I have not stepped inside a Starbucks. Trying to quit coffee. I am perpetually tired and sleepy and the neck hurts. Growing old is no fun.
  3. Washed clothes after ages. Even in lockdown, when I was at a fancier place, I would just shower with my clothes on (really) and that would take care of them. Plus since I was not stepping out, I did not have a lot of clothes to worry about. Now, I do. Sigh. Need to fix the Mumbai vs Goa thing and then the house decision.
  4. Went for a walk at the beach with DK. Walked after a while. Met her after a while. Was good fun to see people as young as 26 being so sorted in the head. Wish I were like them when I was younger.

Things I am thinking on?

  1. Work seems to be picking up. Not a lot of money but I am being busy for sure. Am making it in the worst way possible – by loaning out my time but that’s that. Till I get back to acchhedin, this is how it’s going to be. So let’s put our head down and do it.
  2. What else? Ok, I don’t do a great job of writing when I am rushed ;P
  3. Goa. Going there tomorrow. Even though I will be working, I am actually looking forward to the “trip”. I don’t know why. No, I still don’t know where I would end up living (Mumbai or Goa).
  4. The sad part of lockdown is evident now. Non-stop calls with no breather is not cool at all. Screentime is peaking like Everest! Here’s a screenshot from my primary laptop. This does not include phone calls, calls on the phone, thinking, and all that.

That’s about it. Over and out.

I hope I can stop having coffee! Today’s day 2. I am at a Starbucks and I am already tempted!

Ok, its 10. Publishing. In whatever shape it is in. Over and out.

230221 – Morning Pages

Quickie piece. Woke up late. Running behind deadlines. Hoping to catch the pending todos.

10:09 AM. Yeah 10 AM.

I dont even know if I can call this morning pages. Its like afternoon. But then I just woke up (I slept at 5). So this is technically the first thing that I am doing. So, lets give ourselves some benefit of doubt and consider this is morning pages. But because its 10, there are a million people screaming to seek my attention for things that I need to do for them. Will keep this cute and short and all that.

Yesterday was mad. MAD. The day just didnt end. There was so much on the plate and there is still so much on the plate. This busyness is a good thing. I hope there is some revenue opportunity on the other side. Because the day was so long, I had some 20 cups of coffee. Which is ok, if you ask me. Most Americans are like that. But I realize that I was putting in way too much coffee in my system and its making me lose sleep and get more jittery. I need to fix it. Its not a good thing. Wow, look at me talking like an adult!

So, I made myself a big promise. That. I will quite coffee. I will still goto Starbucks and probably have two bottle of sparkling water (which cost as much as a coffee does). So, in my head, I would have paid for using their services and yet I would have not got coffee.

That’s settled. Let’s see how many days I last. Especially with an event coming up. Oh yeah! I am finally managing an event. The last one I was part of was on the 5th of March in 2020, at Lucknow. Since then, I have done some house gigs and all but this one is a full-blown wedding. Of about 80 guests if I am not wrong. So we are still following the regulations (in Goa, you can have a gathering of 100 I think) and yet it has all the paraphernalia. Yay to that!

What else? Damn the minds so blank that I could very well be in a meditative state. Lol. Kuch bhi!

Oh yeah, I am getting to meet Roshan Abbas (virtually) this weekend. He’s the grand-dad of all event professionals. I’ve always wanted to meet him since I was with Suvi. After all these years, in a different context, it’s happening! This is via Podium’s Spotlight. In case you need more details let me know.

Still tripping on Lootera’s music. I spoke about it a few days ago. Need to get to a point where I do such things!

I think this is about I have. I need to go wash some clothes, get my head shaven (yeah!) and then get about the day. Lol, aur bano nomad 😉

And no, no #book2. Let’s see when I get to it. May be in March. Fuck, time flies!

PS: I know this is not technically morning pages. But I started the day with a piece and that’s what matters. The streak has to remain unbroken!

PS: The mood seems to be better. No? I think so! May be its the coffee and if I quit, the mood will go back to being sucky…

220221 – Morning Pages

Nothing special to report today either. I am just glad that I am able to keep the streak of these morning pages going.

7:25. My writing table.

I just woke up. I slept very fitfully. Like most days.

The house remains a mess. I am even washing my clothes. Sigh. Of course, I am ok doing my own work but the only reason I don’t want to do it cos I feel it’s a waste of time. This is probably why people have washing machines and all that. Right now, I don’t even have the patience or the mindspace or the time to get someone else to help me! I think I have bit into more than I can chew. I mean I did not agree to this much work when I picked these projects. But theek hai. I need it.

So, I spent some 18 hours at a local Starbucks and I would have spent some 5000 bucks there. Thousand. Not Hundred. Yeah, I am like that. Pennywise and pound- foolish. I need to make clear that I don’t spend money on Coffee. I pay a per-day fee to sit at a comfortable, air-conditioned, well-lit, fast Internet connection. I consider Starbucks as my office / work expense. I had so much coffee yesterday (I can count 5 Grande Americanos that I had yesterday. And 2 of these were double shots) that I am surprised that I even got sleep. Oh, I slept ok. Fitfully but ok. I mean that’s how I get most of my sleep. Coffee or no coffee.

The other thing is that it’s now certified that I can NOT work from home. Yesterday, I came back home for a bit because I wanted a change in scenery. But as soon as I reached here, I jumped on the bed and slept. Sigh. I am jealous of people that can stay indoors. Of course, there are talks of imposing a lockdown all over again in Mumbai and if that happens, I would be devastated. I can NOT survive indoors.

Oh, I have to talk about how Starbucks sparked another serendipitous incident. I was hanging out there and I spotted this person that gave me the first-ever opportunity as a TV writer. No, it did not reach anywhere. The show never saw the light of the day. This was some 5-6 years ago. #tnks had just come out. I used to live at Nahar. I think I got connected to him via someone on Twitter (I will dig it out). It’s amazing things that can happen when you live at hubs. Yeah yeah, I am merely trying to find things that rationalize my thinking. You know, we are pattern-seeking and pattern-matching, rationalizing (and not rational) creatures! #note2self

While editing this piece, I realized that I missed the highlight of yesterday. I was seeing something on Youtube when I stumbled on this video where Vikramaditya Motwane and the team talk about how they made this track for Lootera. I don’t know what state of mind I was in, but I saw Vikram Sir and the team talk about it and I cried. Like an actual tear came outta my eyes. I even wrote an email to him. I hope he sees it!

The medium of films is so so powerful that I am surprised I am doing nothing about it. And I am spending wasting my time making PowerPoint presentations in exchange for peanuts. See this tweet…

I know I know. I don’t have the talent to make films. I know I don’t have the money to say no to PowerPoint. But there has to a way out na? Guess that’s why creative people in the old times had patrons that allowed them to chase their dreams. Come on, universe! Do something!

So what else?

I guess nothing.

Days are moving so so fast that it’s not funny. Each morning seems to blend into the evening and then night and then back to the grind. This busy-ness is great but I need to find a way out so that I can do bigger, larger, grander things.

Sigh.

That’s about it for the day. Have quite a things to work on. No, nothing on #book2. :((

210221 – Morning Pages

Quick note on work, notes, fitness. Nothing special.

7:06. Lokhandwala.

I am writing this from where I live. No, I cant call it home. There’s nothing there that could be home-like. Ok, that’s way too somber a thought to start the day. Lemme change tracks.

The non-stop work that I have been inundated with doesn’t seem to end. The long list of things that I need to work on is still staring back at me like a spider hanging from a corner. It doesn’t bother you per se but the lingering presence takes headspace. And while the tiny spider and invisible thread it is hanging from do not change per se, the size of the spider seems to grow in your head. Slowly but gradually. And to a point that all your head sees is the spider. And then it pushes away all the other things that you need your head to contain. You know, work, life, people, friends etc.

The long list of things that I need to work on is still WIP. There’s so much to do that it’s not funny. And every passing day, the list seems to grow. Which is ok. Work never hurt anyone. Doesn’t hurt me either. I think am moving in the rant zone. I have promised myself to not rant.

Let me move to the next thing.

The last few days (since I am in Mumbai), I have been using a physical notepad. I think I have not used a notepad since November. And I realized the secret to my freakish productivity output is a physical, actual note. I operate FAR better when I take notes on an actual notebook and not on a computer. In fact, taking effective notes has been my superpower and I have sort of stopped taking those when I started working on the move while in Goa. It was so powerful and life-changing for me that I started sharing my notetaking secrets with people (via Notes4Growth). I think it’s time to get back to a physical notepad, NFG, and more such things.

So that. Oh, I’ve been using mobile data last few days for working from here in Mumbai. And it works like a charm! I never realized that something as basic as the Internet could give me such peace of mind. I missed this while in Goa. Yeah yeah. I have spilled enough pixels on it.

In other news, the love for lo-fi continues. Here’s the track of the day.

What else? Yeah! Yesterday I was at a friend’s place and she had this full-length mirror and I realized that I have put on serious weight. To a point that I could notice the bulge smile back at me. This is probably why I am being so lethargic. This is what I need to probably change. I need to do something about my weight and food and health. I can NOT die young. There are way too many things I need to do! I think I can stop with all the eating out at all hours. May be it’s the work stress? I don’t know. Let’s see. Will act on this.

I think I have been making this promise to get fit for more than 10 years now. 🙁

I will stop here. Need to rush to a Starbucks and get started with the day. No, I haven’t worked on #book2 in more than 15 days now (I think). Which is ok. I don’t want to be harsh about it. There are other things that I need to work on. I hope I get back to the book soon enough. Like I said yesterday, I need to make ends meet and I hate the fact that I am ignoring things and I need to fix it.

Over and out! See you guys tom.

200221 – Morning Pages

Quick and dirty post today to talk about things that are clouding my head. Damn the cloud.

9:21. Starbucks, Versova.

There is no feeling better than an empty, cold Starbucks store with fast Internet! I just came here, got myself a coffee, and now parked on a chair as I type this. This is what an ideal day would be like for me. Have my mornings to myself. Ease into the daily grind. Manage things. And then sleep.

Yeah, I have a lot of work today as well. But since it’s a Saturday, no one is chasing me and thus I can plan my time the way I want to. This does not mean that I can slack. I just need to ensure that I use the time optimally. And work needs to be done. And thus I will keep this short.

Lemme see what’s on the top of my head.

1 Goa. I am going “back” to Goa next week. I am still on the fence about living in Mumbai or Goa. Thanks to this week in Mumbai, I am nudging towards Mumbai. The work ecosystem is incredible here and the phones work and people are available to meet. Yeah, am done with virtual jams, a handshake (or even a fist bump) is irreplaceable. The place allows for serendipity to happen. I could meet AS the other day cos he “guessed” that I would be at the Starbucks. I bumped into Nirav because we were hanging out at the same place. With both these people, I would never ever be able to chat on Zoom and get into interesting conversations.

I think this virtual world of working from anywhere is not sustainable. Us humans are social animals and we need to serve our primal urges. Of course, we are changing but at the core we are primal! But then, I could be wrong. I have been famously wrong about a lot of things in life. My most glorious failure is when the touch phones came in. I stuck to my Blackberry Bold because I loved the feedback that the buttons gave me when I typed like a maniac! I wrote off touch-screen phones. Look at them now. The other thing that I was terribly wrong about was fashionable masks. Rishi told me that we can work on making fancy, glittery masks but I told him that no one would use the fancy ones. People would want safety over anything else. But look at them now. They now make wedding dresses and matching masks. I know people that have some 10 different masks to go along with what they are wearing!

2. aPicADay. I have been on this streak since the beginning of the year where I am posting a pic a day on my public Instagram profile. I am beginning to lose interest in that. May be cos am holed up inside a lot? Maybe I am so busy with daal-roti efforts that I am stuck for inspiration? I dont know. But I need to reset it. No, I will not stop with it. Even if I dont have anything interesting to say, I will continue to post whatever boring ones I can click.

3. Ankur Tewari. I am listening to him croon on his guitar as I type this. And I love it! Here’s the track for the day.

4. Saurabh Garg’s IPO. Here’s the mad idea of the day. I have been thinking about this for a few days. And I will put this in action today. The idea is fairly simple. I will go to all the people that trust me and can “bet” on me and ask them for a 5 lakh rupee investment in me! I will create this fund and take bets on things that I’ve always wanted to do. In exchange, I will promise half of whatever I make in life to those who invest (to be distributed in proportion to what they invest in me). Of course, there is no chance that any of these ideas will work out (remember am wrong a lot?) but I will take a shot. One life.

Most of these ideas will be ludicrous but that’s ok. And I will ask only the closest friends. And the ones I reach out to are the ones that will have enough and more lying around to allow me to play. And if I lose their money, they would not feel bad about it.

One of my principles in life is to never mix money and relationships but I am lately realising that I need to depend more on people that care for me, rather than seeking solace in strangers.

Let’s see how this goes. In case you want to invest in me, lemme know.

5. Nothing else. Time to get back to work. These last few days have been maddening. So much so that am unable to focus on my babies. Fuck focus, am unable to even read emails, respond to texts or return phone calls. This is not like me. I hate when people go incommunicado (I got the spelling right by myself!!!) and I would never ever do this. But I haven’t been able to. It sucks. Deep down I cry about it. But I don’t know what to do about it. There’s no excuse for this and it’s the worst thing ever. But thanks for the patience and understanding of my partners, things are ok. I hope this phase passes soon. And I am back in action.

This is it for the time being. And no, no #book2 today either.

Over and out.

PS: I must write someday how my best work happens when I have the money to not bother about basics! #note2self

190221 – Morning Pages

Quick post today. Did not have time to write, format, edit, spell-check etc.

Read at peril.

4:59 AM

I slept at 2ish. I was up at 4ish. I have way too much work on my plate and thus this thievery of sleep. I know this is not good but I have to juggle this. On top of this, people I care for are being dicks and that’s affecting my output. But I shall remain calm and carry on.

I will write this alongside work. I will steal moments and every time I take a break I will write this. I have a question to start things with. What to do about morning pages on days like today? I mean I don’t have a minute to die and yet I want the non-stop streak? Do I just log in and post a para and get over with it? Or do I actually prioritize this over others? Do I not count the days I don’t write 1000 500 words?

5:43. Met ASTwitter yesterday. He gave me a reality check. I am lucky to have him around in my life. He asked me tough questions about what I am doing in life (when I told him am thinking to shuttle between Mumbai and Goa). He made me realize that I am being an irrational fool. Something RGMDI has told me often! Thing is, if I cant convince him, I don’t think I can convince anyone else. He makes me see the mirror and unlike all the other people I know, he’s super blunt!

6:37. I like this. Work deeply without interruptions. Break. Write something random. Probably forget what was clouding your head at 4:59. Think of things to write. Recommend music. Like, right now, am listening to this one…

7:44. Took a break. Showered. Waiting for clock to hit 7:54 so that I can leave for Starbucks. I am so fucked with work. I am going to get so many stinkers that it’s not funny. Anyhow.

While I was showering, an epiphany happened. Probably cos of this stranger I met yesterday at Starbucks. So this girl walked up to the community table that I generally sit on. She goes, can I sit here. I was like, sure. And then she said, without me asking, I went to give up and I just could not. Took me a while to understand what she was talking about. Once it dawned on me, of course, I had to intervene. We got talking and she was there for an hour or so. We talked and I hope she went home fine and she’s ok now. The point is while talking to her, I revealed all the darkest secrets about me – you know, problems with work, money, relationships, Mumbai, Goa, life, et al. And I realized that it is super duper easy to talk to a stranger. I’ve never felt this comfortable talking to anyone about my issues. Not even to SG2, VG, VK, or AG (le seale, tera naam aa gaya). May be that’s why I depend on a blog? Maybe that is what inspires me to live in public?

Another thing I realized is that when going gets tough, pushy-ness often tilts you over the edge. Like right now, I am being pulled in like 5 directions by 5 people. And I am this close to giving up. But of course, I cant. Again, that’s not the point. The point is that I just need to become less pushy with people around me. I’ve seen how toxic things and work and cultures can get. I need to become nicer.

The last thing I am realising now is that I am getting old. You know, how it creeps up on you? I was very sure of pulling an all-nighter today. But guess what? I fell asleep and couldn’t finish my things. Growing old is no fun 🙁

So that.

I think that’s about it. Need to move my butt. Need to decide what to do of the morning pages on the day when I don’t have Internet. Or when I have so much work that I cant write. Like today.

It’s 7:54. Gotta go.