I failed.

A note on how I failed Viny (C4E’s CCO) and myself by not being able to ship a printable draft of book2.

Towards the end of Ocotber (or may be early Novemeber), I made a promise to Viny (and myself) that I would have a printable first draft of book2 (of at least 80K words) by end of Nov 30, 2022.

Today is the 29th. And I dont have that.

I failed.

Even though a lot was riding on it. Lot was Viny’s complete loyalty and the first right to get her to work with me once she passes out of college. I can’t stress enough how much I need someone like her around me at C4E. And yet, I failed.

This post is an attempt at reflecting on what I did to create an environment around me that would ensure that I dont fail. I will talk about habits I stacked to ensure that I dont fail. Of course all these are meaningless – after all, I failed! Maybe lessons for the next time?

Here we go…

Four things.

A/ I was off Social Media.
Like really.
I removed all apps from my phone and the only time I would check twitter / linkedin etc was to check on something for work. I was even able to reduce my screentime to about 4 hours a day. This meant I had more time than I could’ve ever asked for.

B/ I was travelling.
Wait.
This is an excuse.
People that travel write books all the time. Look at them travel bloggers. They are literally on the road all the time and yet they are firehoses of content. I did travel but it does not mean I couldn’t write. All I had to do was write 3K words a day. Which, btw, is NOT a big deal for me.

In fact, truth be told, I “found” 75K words for book2 written over various drafts. I compiled all those into Scrivener and I could’ve “cheated” to write the balance 5K and declare the draft ready. I mean the very thought is making me puke. Why would I cheat? Especially to my own people?

The point is, I could not write.

3/ I was snafu’d at work.
True there’s a lot going on with work. I am struggling. And I am thriving. And I am somewhere in the middle. As a small business owner / manager, you are always somewhere in the middle of these three. As a small business owner you have to try to do multiple things while paying your people fair and square. As a small business owner time is not a commodity that you can control.

The point is, I should’ve known these before I made the promise. So, this one doesn’t hold. This is an excuse.

4/ I controlled my “desires”.
Lol. Sounds fancy.
Lemme talk about it with little more rationality. So, most of November, I did not have coffee. Or coke. Or any random snacks that I keep munching on all the time. I wanted complete abstinence from anything and everything that may distract me. I managed to stay away for a large part to be honest. But it did not help concentrate.

What could I have done different?

A, I could’ve been a tad more pragmatic. I could have taken a long time hozion to work on the draft. Instead of a month, may be two, three. Or whatever. Just that pragmatism is not my cup of tea.

B, I could have made and followed a routine that’s non-negotiable. That I would sit at a Starbucks everyday at 7 AM and do nothing but write for 2 hours. I know that I am extremely good at this (getting up early and reaching a starbucks and sitting with my laptop open). There is nothing that stops me from this. I guess I got lazy πŸ™

C, I could have found a writing buddy to write this with. In my experience, it always helps. If not that, I could’ve found an accountability partner if nothing else. Again, I did have Viny to reach out. But for some reason, I was unable to get her help.

D, I could have reminded that age old adage – Real Artists Ship. In fact, if there is one takeaway that I want from this, it would be this. While writing this, I made this wallpaper that I would use on my desktop. Till I get another slap on my face next time. PS: Other things that have made to my desktop wallpapers are Mememto Mori and This Too Shall Pass. Will make these wallpapers as well.

Guess this is about it. I know I failed. And it’s not a good feeling to have.

And, in the end, Viny, I am sorry. I let you down. I’ll try harder. If you want to give me another chance. Do lemme know.

041121 – Morning Pages

Here’s a morning pages on Diwali.

8:48. Home.

I have started to do a new thing. Rather than the morning pages on this blog, I start my day by writing an email to Team SG. And then I copy-paste it here and redact some parts of it that I want to keep within my team. So while I still live in public, I get even more honest than I can be on a public blog. In fact, I want to reach a point in life where I am able to open my emails, WA chats, and conversations to the world and yet sleep in peace. I know I am far from that but I hope I am there someday.

So, yesterday was a blur. I dont even know where the day went. I did nothing significant or special. I dont know what it was but I was literally a zombie. I, as they say, sleepwalked thru the day. I slept at like 9. And then I woke up at 8ish. 11 hours. For someone like me, if I sleep more than 6 hours, I get mindfucked. So there.

Anyhow, Today’s Diwali. Happy Diwali to each of you!

Growing up, Diwali was an important festival. For two reasons. One, each Diwali, I would come back home to my parents from wherever I was. Most times it’s been easy. At least since 2010, the work I do allows me to control how I spend time around these large festivals. Super grateful for that. Two, I’ve for some reason treated it as the beginning of the new year. Not sure if it’s true. But it has stayed with me even though I have stopped identifying myself as a Hindu. So, to date, I consider this as a new beginning and I try and start planning the next year with all the gusto that one can imagine. 

This year is no different. I am home. Yay! And I have started to think about what I’d do #in2022. I just realized that I can type started with just the left hand!

Here are the top three things that I want to do #in2022. These are in order of priority.

  1. Get debt-free. I will not commit to anything that requires substantial money till I can pay off my debt. I will continue to take smaller shots and make tiny investments (these are the ones that create opportunities for me) but I will pay back the loan by end of 2022. I cant live with the stress that I have people that I owe money to. 
  2. Write book2. I have been dreaming about it since 2013-14. I need to write it. I know what I write may not make a lot of noise but I have to have to have to write. It’s something that gives me my identity. Everything else, every other attempt at getting an identity has failed. This is the only one that I think I have left. 
  3. Get fit. I hate the days when I am unwell. Like yesterday. From today on, I am getting mindful about what I put in my system. I am not eating carbs. From tomorrow. Today is the last day of carbs. Ok. Lo-carbs. I cant remove carbs altogether. And I will get regular with yoga at least. I can’t work out and I can’t run. So, yoga! As they say, yoga se hoga! If I have to wake up early for that, I shall. 

Apart from these three, I have a million things that I want to do. I will talk about those as I get along. Funny, money doesn’t feature anywhere in this list. Let’s see when I get to that. 

And here’s a large decision. This somehow dawned onto me as I was waking up. That I would write book2 in public. From 15th November onward, I will replace morning pages with text for book2. And try and complete it by end of this year.

I will seek help from the community and I will post updates on Twitter and Instagram and all that. I will share chunks of unwritten texts. I will talk loudly about my process. And I will seek support and inputs from people on how the book is shaped. Even if the book becomes stale and no one buys it, I will tom-tom about it.

The morning pages would be reduced to the journal bit. Let’s see how the experiment goes.

That’s it for the day.

As I end this post, here’s wishing each one of you a very happy Diwali. I hope the year ahead is full of love, luck, happiness, and abundance. For you, your families, your loved ones, and everyone around you. May each of you gets everything you seek. And if there’s anything I can do to push your agenda ahead, please please do let me know. 

And here’s the song of the day – Somewhere Over the Rainbow. Here…

And here’s the journal!

  1. Emoticon: :(. I have no recollection of the day apart from one or two calls. Was like a zombie!
  2. Mindful Index (on a scale of 10): 0. I tried sitting down for a session of Headspace but was interrupted.
  3. Things that I am grateful for
    1. I was at home and I could sleep in peace. On a day when I wanted to sleep and rest it out.
  4. Things that would make my today great
    1. Letter to bade log. I need to send it today. Most of it is ready. Today is as good a day to send as any.
  5. A daily affirmation.
    I have what it takes to create opportunties for people around me.
  6. Amazing things that happened yesterday? 
    1. I could sleep ok, on a day I need to sleep. That was amazing.
    2. I got an opportunity to write for a film. I may not be able to get it but at least I had an opportunity. That in itself is great. Need to capitalise more on these.
  7. What could have made yesterday better?
    1. If I did not feel so sleepy throughout the day, it would have been better.
  8. Quote for the day
    “Luck = Opportunity X Preparation”

Here’s the streaks…

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • NOFAP – 0
  • #noCoke – 1
  • #noCoffee – 1
  • #aPicADay – o
  • Daily Journal – 28
  • Money spent – 3856
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • Daily Mail to #teamSG – 28
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0. I sat down yesterday but I was unable to.
  • Minimaslism Counter – -3 +1.
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 28

090821 – Morning Pages

Quick note before I dive head-on into a long day ahead.

6:41. Woke up a few minutes ago. Today’s gonna be a long long day. To a point that I dont have a single minute to spare till about 6 PM. It’s one of those when everything seems to have come together to pack the calendar so chock-a-block that I can’t even die!

So, my mind’s blank.
Lemme talk of inane things.

It’s raining right now. It hasn’t rained in a few days. I just love it when it rains. I am not sure what about it though. I know things go wet. You catch a cold. The nose gets choked. The clothes dont dry and they start to stink. And yet I love it! Given an option, I would live at a place where it rains all the time. Lol. As they say, what you wish for.

Ok. I know what to talk about. Yesterday, yet another filmmaker rejected #tnks. He’s not the first and I know he’s not the last. I will keep trying. I know the film may not do well – there are way too many layers and the story is way too simple. But at some point in time, I shall get it made. Let’s see when. #lifeGoal, you know!

That reminds me, I have to start work on #book2 today. My millionth attempt. A lot of things have come together to make this happen. Lemme talk about those.

  1. I need to have an incredible success to open doors for me. I need it. I want it. I deserve it. There is no other thing that I have in my hand that I control by myself that could get successful.
  2. Logistically, the slot from 8 AM to 9:30 AM is vacant. So I need to fill that in.
  3. I have a lot pent up inside me. I use this blog for venting a few feelings / thoughts. But I need to channelise my energy. So I shall.

Honestly, I dont even know where I am in the story. I mean I recall the broad plot that it’s a treasure hunt based in Goa that spans three timelines and there’s 9 characters inspired by Navrasas and by Mahabharata. I know I am trying a lot. I know I dont even have a story per se. But whatever it is. Will write. I will get a few words in every day. Build it up. And see where I land. The world celebrates and rewards success and output more than anything else. So need to do that.

My only worry is that I may fall off once I hit a wall. And then once I am incommunicado for 15 days in September. I am thinking, I will make a board of directors, etc that will help me stay on track (I will send them updates about the book every day). If you want to encourage me to write this book, lemme know. I will add you to a list of people that I use as beta readers as I write the book. Send me a message here.

In other news, at a whim, yesterday I decided that I will work out of Kathmandu for a few days in October. SG2 thinks that it may not be a good place to live (she says there’s too much pollution, too much traffic, a lot of disorganized mess et al). Let’s see what my research uncovers. Will start planning and figuring it out over the next few days. And if Kathmandu is not happening, I will for sure try to work from someplace apart from Delhi (even though I would love the Delhi mausam in October and beyond – you know, nip in the air and all that?).

Thing is, I am probably trying to run away. I think I have the inability to face my demons and every time I hit a crisis, I need a change in scenery. From moving out of the house (to a coffee shop), to hitting the road (at every opportunity I get), I like the idea of remaining on the move all the time. I think I am suited for becoming a long-haul trucker! In fact, may be this move away from Mumbai is a move in that direction? I am suffering clearly and there is no end in sight. Maybe this move will help me? Let’s see.

And here’s streaks…

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 151
  • #noCoffee – 0. Had two. Venti. Tall. Both Americanos.
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Money spent – 200 + 200 + 135 + 140 + 381 + 206 + 445 + 190 (1897)
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 241